In-law problems?
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As my husband always say... \"Don't talk (bad or complain) about my mom (because in his opinion, she can do no wrong). So, why bother, anyway? My two most recent encounters...
MIL decided to be karang guni and salvaged a tricycle from someone's trash from housemoving. The tricycle is in OK condition (although it is obvious that it has gone on the outside roads), but we already have 2 kids bike at home (and DH already complaining about lack of space for the 2nd bike).... But MIL decided to give it a good rinse and placed it in my flat - in the living room - for the children to ride. :siao: :siao: My children had suffered so many run-overs on their tiny feet because they are not used to it - front narrow, back wheels so wide apart, so when one is on it the second one always gets run over... or the maid, or the father (and of course, all our toys!)... I vowed that the day I see it run over anyone's feet again, it will go to the trash immediately.
Oh... don't even wanna get started on the second one... :slapshead: :slapshead: -
karu:
This sounded like the problem we had with my parents. We were overwritten as far as disciplining kids is concerned. In fact there was a recent melt down. We are now not on talking terms & I'm torn in the middle. Now labelled as an unfillal son, taking the side of DW. Really headache!!fifiyeo:
We had a rule with the kids that they will always have to call us if PILs, the maids or any other relatives were taking them out. But my PILs were not happy and refused to let them call us before going out (outings that we are unaware of). Even cover up when maids or other relatives take them out. I've caught the maids simply taking the keys and leaving my house with my kid without even telling me to go to the supermarket!!! When we express our unhappiness over this issue, PILs argued that they are the elders so why must they follow our \"rules\". They say can means can, no need to call means no need to call.
So my ex-maids used to answer us \"You go ask your PILs lah!\"
Karu,
You just have to take the side of your wife.
I always feel that after marriage, spouse and own family should take priority over parents. It took me a while, but my hubby finally subscribed to this thinking as well.
We are fortunate to be staying on our own, but did discussed and agreed that if PIL were to stay with us, we will be upfront they need to respect our house rules since we are the owners of the flat. If they want to call the shots, they do it in their own property. I was very firm on this, and told hubby that if the day comes, and he can't say this to PIL, I will do it. I feel that I am pretty hardened by the world an am able to be emotionally detach when the need be.
If owners of the house don't exert their rights, then there will always be challenges. I am glad to see that my hubby has grown is this area, and is not able to stand firm on his ground and against the wishes of PIL if he needs to.
No easy way out. Parents will always feel they have right over their sons and this makes life difficult for the wife. Husbands must show that he is the head of his household in his flat and no father / mother / brother / sister should override that. -
Let me share my relationship I have with my autocratic mom.....
My Mom a typical elderly housewife who likes to shop and rearrange your life....
She will buy a lot of stuff like pots, pans, cutlery, cups, enough to open a café...
Anything on household discount she will surely grab.....
So when I move to a new house, she will pass me all these so call \"goodies\"....
whether I like it on not....
So everyone said I am the luckiest daughter on earth....
She will also invade my house balcony with all the plants ....
When I bring my kids on holidays , she will invade my house....
Rearrange my cupboards my clothes.....
I always hold back my temper as my kids were then under her care.....
But now I turn the whole situation around.....
I told her :
a)stop giving me her shopping goodies....I just stood firm ....
of Course she was mad...cursing me , swearing at me....for weeks....
Now of course , she will not pass me any of her shopping goodies....
b)Her Plants at my balcony , I told her I will only help to water every morning...if the plant died....I am not responsible....
Actually she even wanted to bring her pet fishes to my house.
I told her I will throw it to the drain.....
c)I told her do you like me to rearrange your stuff when you are not around....she kept quiet...but as usual she will still curse and swear behind me....
I always remind my children , if grandma passed things to them ,please make sure you will use it...if not do not bring it home...
This is how I deal with my Autocratic mum....
Be firm to tell her No.....
Yes, she will be mad....but at least the message is clear to her....
She bring things to my house , I also return things to her house.....
:evil: :evil: -
dolphinsiah:
Let me share my relationship I have with my autocratic mom.....
My Mom a typical elderly housewife who likes to shop and rearrange your life....
She will buy a lot of stuff like pots, pans, cutlery, cups, enough to open a café...
Anything on household discount she will surely grab.....
So when I move to a new house, she will pass me all these so call \"goodies\"....
whether I like it on not....
So everyone said I am the luckiest daughter on earth....
She will also invade my house balcony with all the plants ....
When I bring my kids on holidays , she will invade my house....
Rearrange my cupboards my clothes.....
I always hold back my temper as my kids were then under her care.....
But now I turn the whole situation around.....
I told her :
a)stop giving me her shopping goodies....I just stood firm ....
of Course she was mad...cursing me , swearing at me....for weeks....
Now of course , she will not pass me any of her shopping goodies....
b)Her Plants at my balcony , I told her I will only help to water every morning...if the plant died....I am not responsible....
Actually she even wanted to bring her pet fishes to my house.
I told her I will throw it to the drain.....
c)I told her do you like me to rearrange your stuff when you are not around....she kept quiet...but as usual she will still curse and swear behind me....
I always remind my children , if grandma passed things to them ,please make sure you will use it...if not do not bring it home...
This is how I deal with my Autocratic mum....
Be firm to tell her No.....
Yes, she will be mad....but at least the message is clear to her....
She bring things to my house , I also return things to her house.....
:evil: :evil:
Yup, be firm ! A No is a NO ! That's the way I deal with my opinated, autocratic mum who thinks that till now she is always right.
Yes, because of asking her to hand off in my house affairs be it small or major stuff, we talk when necessary only. -
Eeeewww … Let me share how I deal with the things she "gifted" to me.
I believe in investing a little more for quality stuff, eg. knives / scissors. My MIL would buy one over and said it is nice to use because she uses it at her place, including those back support, etc., she will buy / redeem and bring it over.
We will accept them, and later return them to her the next time we visit, saying we have no use for them. After a couple of times, she knows better to stop esle she will only be cluttering her own place. She did asked what is she going to do with them, we just said, " up to use. we have no use for it". -
daughter went to their place last sunday…as usual hubby delivered breakfast to them and fixed their modem to communicate with their precious spoilt daughter in US. the old one approached daughter who was stunned with the strong cigarette smell when she opened her mouth…my gal came back and asked me if she smokes…i told her YES, in front of my hubby. i know he doesn’t want to paint a picture of his mother being a chain smoker but that is a fact.
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BlueBells:
This sounded like the problem we had with my parents. We were overwritten as far as disciplining kids is concerned. In fact there was a recent melt down. We are now not on talking terms & I'm torn in the middle. Now labelled as an unfillal son, taking the side of DW. Really headache!!karu:
[quote=\"fifiyeo\"]We had a rule with the kids that they will always have to call us if PILs, the maids or any other relatives were taking them out. But my PILs were not happy and refused to let them call us before going out (outings that we are unaware of). Even cover up when maids or other relatives take them out. I've caught the maids simply taking the keys and leaving my house with my kid without even telling me to go to the supermarket!!! When we express our unhappiness over this issue, PILs argued that they are the elders so why must they follow our \"rules\". They say can means can, no need to call means no need to call.
So my ex-maids used to answer us \"You go ask your PILs lah!\"
Karu,
You just have to take the side of your wife. I always feel that after marriage, spouse and own family should take priority over parents. It took me a while, but my hubby finally subscribed to this thinking as well.
We are fortunate to be staying on our own, but did discussed and agreed that if PIL were to stay with us, we will be upfront they need to respect our house rules since we are the owners of the flat. If they want to call the shots, they do it in their own property. I was very firm on this, and told hubby that if the day comes, and he can't say this to PIL, I will do it. I feel that I am pretty hardened by the world an am able to be emotionally detach when the need be.
If owners of the house don't exert their rights, then there will always be challenges. I am glad to see that my hubby has grown is this area, and is not able to stand firm on his ground and against the wishes of PIL if he needs to.
No easy way out. Parents will always feel they have right over their sons and this makes life difficult for the wife. Husbands must show that he is the head of his household in his flat and no father / mother / brother / sister should override that.[/quote]Yes. There was no question about whose side I'm on.
Guess we're looking at things from a different pov with parents. They have the thinking that as elders, they'll have the final say. But the signals sent to the kids are totally against our way of disciplining them. The episode took place at parents' home. We've yet to go back since then. DW is still very upset whenever we talked about my parents or anything relating to them... Sometimes she even thinks that I'm siding them. That put quite a bit of strain on our relationship & makes things really difficult. I'm trying very very hard to bridge the cracks but it seemed to be very difficult as DW is not prepared to forgive & forget. Now parents are also getting upset as they don't get to see grandkids as often as before & I am looked upon as a unfillial son. Only hope that time will heal the pain on both sides & I have harmony on both fronts. Dunno what can be done?? -
oh … ok … things happened at PIL’s place.
Here is how we tackle issues like this.
We specifically made known to both sets of grandparents and our children that we, parents of the young kids, cannot be override. 靠山不可比父母大 - this is our stand.
To our parents, we told them they have had their time bringing us up their way, now it is our time to bring up our children our way. If they want, they can produce another sibling and do their job as parents again. And if they were to override us, children gets double the punishment when we reach home. Period.
To the children, we told them that should they ever try to shun away from us for any punishments due to them at grandparents’ place, they will receive double the punishment when they return home. And we don’t care if it were the kids running to the grandparents or the grandparents running to the kids. As long as we, the lawful parents are being stopped from disciplining our child, the children gets double the punishment.
Tell you, this works wonders; especially since the younger one kena 2 strokes of cane instead of 1 when she was much younger because my mum intervene. Of course, we also made it very clear that her 2nd stroke of cane was due to grandma’s intervention, and she should let grandma know about it.
In the end, children reject the grandparents when they are due for discipline, and grandparents simply have to hands off. -
The kids disciplining portion is not as challenging as we no long the send the kids over. I’ve also put the message across.The tricky part is the reconciliation between us and parents. I don’t want the relationship to be strained indefinitely.
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karu:
The kids disciplining portion is not as challenging as we no long the send the kids over. I've also put the message across.The tricky part is the reconciliation between us and parents. I don't want the relationship to be strained indefinitely.
Tricky situation. For that you have to get through to your wife. Make sure she understands that you agree with her but there is no way you can cut all ties with your parents as you would not want your own kids to cut all ties with you should they have any disagreements with you in future.
How we handle our relationships with our parents are examples for our kids next time.
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