Home for kids

[Namie]

He is home with the domestic helper. Not that I have not thought of no-pay leave or part-time employment. But it will be quite impossible with our family’s financial situation - both parents-in-law suffered stroke and have mobility difficulty, mother-in-law fractured her hip bone last year, my parents need monthly medical treatment too.


Right now, what I did was plan all his tution classes in the afternoon, one hour after he got home. This way, at least he gets to spend his time wisely. I know he has a kind heart. He recently signed himself up to be an altar boy because he wanted to help the priest. I think anyone who thinks in this way cannot be bad at heart.

[Imami]

Pls don’t send your kid to homes. I personally know of Familes who have kid’s in homes for a period of times. Not that they are irresponsible (in that they don’t want to mend the right themselves) but I believe they are just incapable of disciplining their kids. But I have to say their kids are not just unmotivated, not doing well in school and only watch tv. These are trivial, compared to what those kid’s I know (being sent to homes) did. They sniff glue, play truant, steal, vandalize, extort etc.


Sending kids to homes, in my opinion, doesn’t work for all kids.

One must know the positive outcome of working hard in order to feel motivated. Aside from the outcome, one must have the reason to do it. Many a times, we are motivated to move on because there was someone who loves and believes in us.

Maybe life has taken a toll on both you and your spouse and hence you are considering "outsourcing" you kid to home for his own good. Perhaps it is not convenient for you to bare all to us. Perhaps you would like to consider seeking some form of counseling help from professionals first? Feiyue offers family Counseling services. They may be able to offer good solutions to your case.

[Rational_Parent]

Namie:

He is home with the domestic helper. Not that I have not thought of no-pay leave or part-time employment. But it will be quite impossible with our family's financial situation - both parents-in-law suffered stroke and have mobility difficulty, mother-in-law fractured her hip bone last year, my parents need monthly medical treatment too.


Right now, what I did was plan all his tution classes in the afternoon, one hour after he got home. This way, at least he gets to spend his time wisely. I know he has a kind heart. He recently signed himself up to be an altar boy because he wanted to help the priest. I think anyone who thinks in this way cannot be bad at heart.

What home is @lmami referring to? The homes I know with bad hats are the Singapore Boys Home where Juveniles who have been charged for criminal offences and not old enough for the mainstream prisons are placed, and another in Pasir Panjang for drug addicts. These homes should be avoided of course.

The Salvation Army is different. I think the home is now called “The Haven” in Pasir Panjang Road. In the past, there were The Salvation Army Children’s Home, Girl’s Home and the Boys Home. There was even a Nursery Home in Upper Bukit Timah a very long time ago. In the good old days, there were folks who could not afford to raise kids, or have Tiger girls, or had children out of wedlock (especially during the British rule days), would placed their kids in these homes and left them there for good when they were supposed to pay regular visits and pay a monthly nominal fee. Many though, placed their kids there because they have no time to look after a large family and there is only one bread winner in the family due to tragedies, separation or divorce.

If the boy had demonstrated a soft spot, how bad can he be other than misbehaving when parents are not around? I’m sorry to learn about your dilemma which apparently stemmed from stress and over-burdened of also having to look after handicapped elderly folks. There should be other worthy homes but you should seriously consider homes such as The Havens or wherever The Salvation Army chooses to place him for he’ll definitely get the necessary attention he needs.

It appears tuition does not seem to do much good for the boy. If it does then he would have demonstrated progress a long time ago. There are not a lot of cheers in the house, what with a domestic worker having so many tasks and no time for him, and handicapped elders who need attention of their own. So maybe a few words about sending the boy away where he can get the necessary attention might just turn him around or even turn him on i.e. wants to go. This way, kinship is maintained.

As the saying goes, “Desperate situation calls for desperate actions”. And your situation certainly sounded like desperation to me.

[Flowermonaster]

Namie:

He is home with the domestic helper. Not that I have not thought of no-pay leave or part-time employment. But it will be quite impossible with our family's financial situation - both parents-in-law suffered stroke and have mobility difficulty, mother-in-law fractured her hip bone last year, my parents need monthly medical treatment too.


Right now, what I did was plan all his tution classes in the afternoon, one hour after he got home. This way, at least he gets to spend his time wisely. I know he has a kind heart. He recently signed himself up to be an altar boy because he wanted to help the priest. I think anyone who thinks in this way cannot be bad at heart.

Hi Namie, sorry for jumping to conclusion that you could be irresponsible parent. I think your boy is really sweet to offer his help to be an altar boy. Please don't put him to a home, your boy might think you don't want him. My solution might not be great but you can consider putting him to a before/after school care centre? At least he will gets his homework done there.

[Lilac66]

Hi namie, I’m sorry to hear the situation you’re in. IMHO, explaining about having to work hard for his own future may not be the best way to handle your boy. He’s unlike a matured and sensible kid whom such advice may propel him to self motivation.


I feel the kid may associate both his parents with just homework, nagging and nothing else now. As much as I know it won’t come so easily to you at this juncture, try to make the kid know he’s loved by both of you. When he feels loved, it’ll give him security… When that’s in place, maybe he’ll want to do things not only for himself but also to please his parents, make them feel proud of him.

At this moment, perhaps just do everything in baby steps… As long as he can get down to do something, no matter how small , praise him. Loads of patience is needed now, and hopefully you’ll see some improvement along the way…good luck

Just my 2 cents…

[Namie]

The kind of home I have in mind is the type like army camp - teaching children responsibility, completing tasks within specific time, no wastage. That would be good.

[limlim]

tuition and financial difficulties doesn’t belong to the same place… IMO…


Anyway, word of advise for you is, tuition is not for the un-motivated kids. It’s just a waste of money.

If the kid is motivated, but need help, then maybe it is ok to have tuition.

But if the kid not keen in studies, tuition is no difference from money down the drain.

Of coz, if you’re rich, you can do what some rich parents do, by engaging tutor so as to keep the kids in check and watch over them (Like highly educated nanny)

But, if you’re not very well-off, why waste the money. It can be put to better use.

[limlim]

My kids in lower primary usually does their homework by themselves. They come to me when they encountered difficulties. I try not to chase after them to ask them to do what they're supposed to do.


Give them one time jialat jialat one for not doing homework.. and they learnt. :evil:

[alng]

Dear Namie, I am so sorry to hear the situation that you are in. I just want to say don’t give up on your child. If you, as a parent, give up on him, who else in this world will be more motivated than you to train and groom him? To support, encourage and motivate him?


You did not mention the age of your child. But have a good talk with him. How about asking the father to have a man to man talk with him? Find out the problems and solve the problems together as a family.

[ammonite]

Namie:

Hi! We have been very patient with him since he was in P1. Both of us work very long hours and by the time we reach home everyday, it is around 9.30pm. Just imagine, we wake up at 5.30am and work till 9pm daily and longer during peak.


We set homework for him and everyday without fail, not a single question is done. Came out with garbage excuses like forgot, thought I said homework was for tomorrow, etc. The whole week went by and it still wasn't done. This was his behaviour since P1.

In addition, everyday without fail there will be notes from teachers saying he did not hand in his homework and he didn't even care!
.... If he doesn't wake up now, he will lead a worse life than us in the future.

Hi Namie,

Your working hours are indeed very very long. You must be feeling so tired. On the other hand, it does also mean that your son hardly sees you. You may not have a good grasp of his needs, and he does not understand your concerns. He is still young.

I don't think there is such a boot camp in Singapore, and it may not be what he needs. Very often, esp for boys, they will say they forgot when it is because they do not know, or they can't find (homework). As simkhoo said, he could have an underlying learning difficulty, or REALLY lack organisational skills. My son too lacks organizational skills and has poor vision skills and at my request, his teachers will seat him next to an organized child who helps him find things and make sure he has what he needs. It makes a huge difference to his daily experience in school, and also saves the teachers from a lot of frustrations.

The work in school these days is not that easy. Many kids will not be able to do them without some form of help or guidance in P1 or 2. If your son needs close supervision, you can consider student care, or a 1-1 tutor who can help him with his homework. One of my neighbours with long working hours and travels regularly does just that. Admittedly it cost a lot of money to do it her way, but just to show that kids do need that much supervision. My neighbour has a tutor for every subject coming in 2-3 times a week, once to help her son with his homework, and once to coach. She also arranges for close friends and relatives to drop in regularly and just sit around her house so that her children are always surrounded by familiar faces. Her husband works more regular hours and her maid really cares for the kids. Every weekend she takes her 2 kids out for a meal and a movie for bonding.

One of my former colleagues (we sometimes worked till 10pm) would call home regularly through the day, once to check on her kids after they get home from school, once more to check if they have done their homework or tingxie etc, once around dinner time to check on status and just a chat, once more before she headed home. Once a week she would rush home to cook their favorite dinner, her maid would buy and prepare all the ingredients earlier in the day. I often thought of her as a telephone mum.

You should email his teachers to try and understand more. Explain your situation, and ask them what they think are the problem areas and if they can help support him in any way in school. Also ask them for their suggestions on what you can do from your end.

If you have long hours, you must think about building up a support network in the form of friends, relatives and neighbours. It takes a bit of effort but is good for your child. More pairs of eyes on him equals more accountability. make use of technology. Call him, message him, schedule mini time slots with him. During your break time (lunch), it may be better to find a quiet place to recharge yourself and just let go of all worries for 10 min. You will feel better.