In-law problems?
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cherrygal:
My hubby can keep quiet at gatherings at my uncle's place...or else he will walk out to the garden. I can't.Agree, men and women take things very differently. Many sons-in-law just drift in and out of family gatherings from a third-person perspective, while daughters-in-law take comments very personally.
I can only enjoy CNY at my mom's place.
At my mom's place, he has no problems discussing football or IT with my cousins and uncles. Women tend to be sensitive. -
Define comparing and boasting.
If someone had a child who did really well for PSLE, is it a crime to speak of it with pride at a CNY gathering?
If someone had a change of job which is paying 20% higher, is that not something one would share at these gatherings?
It’s a joyous occasion where extended family gets together and catches up about personal developments.
Define ‘sincere’.
People are dressed up to the nines, made up, carry ang-pows around, I can’t think of a more ‘fake’ environment than CNY.
Is it not the whole point? To open the valve and let off a little steam?
If one chooses to see the speck in the eye of the offender, that is what one will see and lose sight of everything else. People are complex, there are seldom ever completely evil people with no redeeming features.
I read so much damning testimony here. Ask yourself, are you willing to have your relatives read what you post here on KSP about them? What would their impression be of you if they did so? Would you be someone THEY want to hang around with?
Would it kill to seek out a frosty relation and find some way to connect at a common level?
Is that not what the occasion is to be used for? To build relationships?
Try it this year, you may surprise yourself and would have lost nothing (except some saliva). -
3Boys:
Thank you 3B :salute: , for saying all the things I have wanted to say in this thread..... for a long timeDefine comparing and boasting.
If someone had a child who did really well for PSLE, is it a crime to speak of it with pride at a CNY gathering?
If someone had a change of job which is paying 20% higher, is that not something one would share at these gatherings?
It's a joyous occasion where extended family gets together and catches up about personal developments.
Define 'sincere'.
People are dressed up to the nines, made up, carry ang-pows around, I can't think of a more 'fake' environment than CNY.
Is it not the whole point? To open the valve and let off a little steam?
If one chooses to see the speck in the eye of the offender, that is what one will see and lose sight of everything else. People are complex, there are seldom ever completely evil people with no redeeming features.
I read so much damning testimony here. Ask yourself, are you willing to have your relatives read what you post here on KSP about them? What would their impression be of you if they did so? Would you be someone THEY want to hang around with?
Would it kill to seek out a frosty relation and find some way to connect at a common level?
Is that not what the occasion is to be used for? To build relationships?
Try it this year, you may surprise yourself and would have lost nothing (except some saliva).
:imanangel:
This is FAMILY , have an open mind and take every comment with a pinch of salt. Everyone is someone's else IL. Every DIL will be a MIL.
what your kids see now, will they accept in the future if YOU are treated the same way by their spouses ?
What I detest most is one partner telling his/her spouse to 'not love' his/her own parents/siblings. :mad:
...errrrrr.. happy new year 2013 ?? kong hei fatt choy ?? :snuggles: -
Yes, I agree that women are usually more sensitive. But some in-laws are really too much. Even their own sons notice the crude remarks without wivies having to complain.
-
Strparent:
Haha! Thanks for the validation!
Thank you 3B :salute: , for saying all the things I have wanted to say in this thread..... for a long time3Boys:
Define comparing and boasting.
If someone had a child who did really well for PSLE, is it a crime to speak of it with pride at a CNY gathering?
If someone had a change of job which is paying 20% higher, is that not something one would share at these gatherings?
It's a joyous occasion where extended family gets together and catches up about personal developments.
Define 'sincere'.
People are dressed up to the nines, made up, carry ang-pows around, I can't think of a more 'fake' environment than CNY.
Is it not the whole point? To open the valve and let off a little steam?
If one chooses to see the speck in the eye of the offender, that is what one will see and lose sight of everything else. People are complex, there are seldom ever completely evil people with no redeeming features.
I read so much damning testimony here. Ask yourself, are you willing to have your relatives read what you post here on KSP about them? What would their impression be of you if they did so? Would you be someone THEY want to hang around with?
Would it kill to seek out a frosty relation and find some way to connect at a common level?
Is that not what the occasion is to be used for? To build relationships?
Try it this year, you may surprise yourself and would have lost nothing (except some saliva). :imanangel:
This is FAMILY , have an open mind and take every comment with a pinch of salt. Everyone is someone's else IL. Every DIL will be a MIL.
what your kids see now, will they accept in the future if YOU are treated the same way by their spouses ?
What I detest most is one partner telling his/her spouse to 'not love' his/her own parents/siblings. :mad:
...errrrrr.. happy new year 2013 ?? kong hei fatt choy ?? :snuggles:
You are the nice guy in the forum. Me? I'm the evil loud mouth, no loss to my reputation if I speak a few hard truths.
KHFC! May you and your family have a prosperous 2013! -
Think I am of the wrong gender? I concur with 3boys on most of what he has shared.
I had my fair share of grouses with ILs but if I reflect upon it objectively, they are but little irritations that do not pose major life altering problems. What’s past is past. And after over 10yrs, I think I can understand why they behave the way they do.
I love any major festivity. Be it xmas, cny, even qingming and mid autumn. I make it a point to observe the traditions of these festivals. Initial few years, I do not like how MIL, even after DH had given her spending money for CNY shopping, will insist that DH brings her to do the purchases and asks DH to sign for all her purchases with his credit card and in the end not pay a single cent for them. But over the years, I accepted it, we can afford it so why let something like that spoil the whole festival. Initial years, the visitings were filled with confusion and frustrations but DH and I learned to circumvent certain things and once we know what to expect, no more frustrations. In fact we became more amused than frustrated. Yes there are the usual too skinny, too fat, too fair, too dark, too short, what school, what grades, what CCA, etc comments, sincere wishes and advises, we take it to heart. Barbs and thorny remarks, we let them slide. If really super irritated, I am well capable of dishing out honey coated barbs. Once or twice a year only no big deal.
I just want my kids to have the chance to experience and enjoy the kind of closeness I had both with my maternal and paternal relatives. To have the chance to look forward to all these festivities like I did when I was a kid. And hopefully when they are grown to want to give their own children that opportunity as well. -
Funz:
:goodpost:Think I am of the wrong gender? I concur with 3boys on most of what he has shared.
I had my fair share of grouses with ILs but if I reflect upon it objectively, they are but little irritations that do not pose major life altering problems. What's past is past. And after over 10yrs, I think I can understand why they behave the way they do.
I love any major festivity. Be it xmas, cny, even qingming and mid autumn. I make it a point to observe the traditions of these festivals. Initial few years, I do not like how MIL, even after DH had given her spending money for CNY shopping, will insist that DH brings her to do the purchases and asks DH to sign for all her purchases with his credit card and in the end not pay a single cent for them. But over the years, I accepted it, we can afford it so why let something like that spoil the whole festival. Initial years, the visitings were filled with confusion and frustrations but DH and I learned to circumvent certain things and once we know what to expect, no more frustrations. In fact we became more amused than frustrated. Yes there are the usual too skinny, too fat, too fair, too dark, too short, what school, what grades, what CCA, etc comments, sincere wishes and advises, we take it to heart. Barbs and thorny remarks, we let them slide. If really super irritated, I am well capable of dishing out honey coated barbs. Once or twice a year only no big deal.
I just want my kids to have the chance to experience and enjoy the kind of closeness I had both with my maternal and paternal relatives. To have the chance to look forward to all these festivities like I did when I was a kid. And hopefully when they are grown to want to give their own children that opportunity as well. -
Funz:
Yep yep.Think I am of the wrong gender? I concur with 3boys on most of what he has shared.
I had my fair share of grouses with ILs but if I reflect upon it objectively, they are but little irritations that do not pose major life altering problems. What's past is past. And after over 10yrs, I think I can understand why they behave the way they do.
I love any major festivity. Be it xmas, cny, even qingming and mid autumn. I make it a point to observe the traditions of these festivals. Initial few years, I do not like how MIL, even after DH had given her spending money for CNY shopping, will insist that DH brings her to do the purchases and asks DH to sign for all her purchases with his credit card and in the end not pay a single cent for them. But over the years, I accepted it, we can afford it so why let something like that spoil the whole festival. Initial years, the visitings were filled with confusion and frustrations but DH and I learned to circumvent certain things and once we know what to expect, no more frustrations. In fact we became more amused than frustrated. Yes there are the usual too skinny, too fat, too fair, too dark, too short, what school, what grades, what CCA, etc comments, sincere wishes and advises, we take it to heart. Barbs and thorny remarks, we let them slide. If really super irritated, I am well capable of dishing out honey coated barbs. Once or twice a year only no big deal.
I just want my kids to have the chance to experience and enjoy the kind of closeness I had both with my maternal and paternal relatives. To have the chance to look forward to all these festivities like I did when I was a kid. And hopefully when they are grown to want to give their own children that opportunity as well.
There will always be relatives we don't relate to, especially on the ILs side, who may have a whole different set of reference point on issues.
I mean, why let the small barbs spoil the occasion for us?
My kids lurrve CNY. They love the dressing up, the visitations, the candy, the chatter, the great food, the company, the goodwill....and the ang-pows! When they grow up, one hopes these memories will stay with them, instead of some grey/grumpy experience.
Aiyah, give and take a little lah! If you go into the visits expecting a bad experience, that's exactly what you'd get out of it. Why not put on a bright smile and a bright dress and have great time! -
3boys, I also want to put on a bright dress and bright smile and have a great time. But CNY gathering is also the time when I will be asked insensitive though maybe well meaning questions like \"when are you going to have a second child?\", or \"better hurry before you get too old!\", or \"why only stop at one, so lonely for the poor child!\" etc.
It always saddened me to hear such questions but pray tell me, how do I graciously reply to such insensitive questions except to give them a sad smile. :sad: To make matters worse, my BIL has 3 kids, so the relatives will be comparing yet again...even dd has been asking why her cousins have siblings and she doesn't. I don't know how to answer her.
Sorry a bit off topic, but I just want to explain why so of us dread CNY gathering. Jia jia you ben nang nian de jing. Every family has its own issues. -
Angelight:
Angelight,3boys, I also want to put on a bright dress and bright smile and have a great time. But CNY gathering is also the time when I will be asked insensitive though maybe well meaning questions like \"when are you going to have a second child?\", or \"better hurry before you get too old!\", or \"why only stop at one, so lonely for the poor child!\" etc.
It always saddened me to hear such questions but pray tell me, how do I graciously reply to such insensitive questions except to give them a sad smile. :sad: To make matters worse, my BIL has 3 kids, so the relatives will be comparing yet again...even dd has been asking why her cousins have siblings and she doesn't. I don't know how to answer her.
Sorry a bit off topic, but I just want to explain why so of us dread CNY gathering. Jia jia you ben nang nian de jing. Every family has its own issues.
there was a time early on, before we had 3B, that we had trouble conceiving. It was frustrating, and there was this older gentleman in church, well meaning, who constantly ribbed us about starting a family.
Every Sunday.
Most irritating.
I went up to him and told him firmly to stop, that it was really none of his business.
It stopped. We were and are still cordial, but he had overstepped.
But I didn't stop going to church on account of his comments. I didn't dread going because he was going to be there asking that same question. There is a bigger picture about CNY, the barbs should not detract from that.
Perhaps you'd want to take a stand with each one of those folk and state very firmly that the topic was out of bounds, and then at least you will have peace for this and subsequent CNYs. You don't ever have to feel the dread again, you don't have to resent your relatives again. Do they even know HOW you feel about this? How about you come clean and give them a chance to get back on your good books?
Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. It's not the fault of CNY, it's an occasion and a valuable one.
Cheers.
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