In-law problems?
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carilyn:
:snuggles: :salute: :goodpost:My mil has dementia and is verbally and physically abusive. Well, even without dementia, she is a very nasty and negative person. Even without the illness she was not a nice person to handle. She was dependent on me but not nice to me...and we have no support from his other siblings whether emotionally or financially. Initially I was full of self sympathy and got negative but through online support groups, I found ways of discharging myself. I wrote journals to vent my anger and frustrations and often after reading back the journals, I realized how childish and silly I am to get angry over things and getting upset for hours. Intentionally or unintentionally, it's already bad that nasty things happen, and to brood over it and make oneself miserable only makes matters worse.
I've since learn to handle things in a more positive way ( I'm still learning so at times still bottles up negatives feelings). But more important, I'm really thankful to her for giving me such a wonderful husband. One day I will be naggy too( tho I will try hard not to be) and maybe negative and nasty, but with such a patient husband, I trust he won't detest me and will continue to treat me well like his mum who has not been treating him well since young. -
carilyn:
I've since learn to handle things in a more positive way ( I'm still learning so at times still bottles up negatives feelings). But more important, I'm really thankful to her for giving me such a wonderful husband. One day I will be naggy too( tho I will try hard not to be) and maybe negative and nasty, but with such a patient husband, I trust he won't detest me and will continue to treat me well like his mum who has not been treating him well since young.
You are really a big-hearted person. I admit I am not able to handle this as well as you. :salute: -
No, I’m not big-hearted at all. I’m also petty and very resentful in the beginning. My husband is a very good person who will never abandon anyone in need, esp when that is his mother, no matter how nasty she treats him. My constant anger and negative feelings is causing a lot of pressure to him, and I know it’s not that he wants things to turn out that way. He has to handle 2 negative women in the house everyday, and that makes me feel terrible too. It made me realize that a unhappy household will bring us to nothing. So, if situation is that it cannot change, someone has to change. Mil is a dementia patient, she can’t change. Hubby already trying his best to maintain harmony in the family, so it’s my turn to do something. Someone told me marriage is a package, dun only expect the good side, accept the unpleasant sides too. Give and take. That knock sense into me.
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Carilyn, I am touched by what you said. Yes, you cannot change what happened to you, but you can change your reactions to your circumstances. Only then can we be a happier person. :hugs:
carilyn:
No, I'm not big-hearted at all. I'm also petty and very resentful in the beginning. My husband is a very good person who will never abandon anyone in need, esp when that is his mother, no matter how nasty she treats him. My constant anger and negative feelings is causing a lot of pressure to him, and I know it's not that he wants things to turn out that way. He has to handle 2 negative women in the house everyday, and that makes me feel terrible too. It made me realize that a unhappy household will bring us to nothing. So, if situation is that it cannot change, someone has to change. Mil is a dementia patient, she can't change. Hubby already trying his best to maintain harmony in the family, so it's my turn to do something. Someone told me marriage is a package, dun only expect the good side, accept the unpleasant sides too. Give and take. That knock sense into me.
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I totally agree with what most of you said about making the best of the situation and try not to instill negative thoughts etc. On the other hand, I also feel that forummers must also respect other's views and right to air their grouses and rants. This is a forum that is created to let forummers discuss and air their voices, which at times we may not be able to do so with friends & relatives. It is another way for forummers to release their tension and gain sanity. It is as good as when we \"chat\" with our colleagues about our bosses. Who will not talk about their bosses behind their backs, may I ask?
Of course I'm not saying it's right to do so. Hwr, most of the time after some ranting, it gives us the sanity to move forward. Or even allow us to think back and reflect. So I feel that for those who are lucky or brave enough to \"retaliate\", should not \"condemn\" the rest.
We often talk about school bullies and cyber bullies. Think about it, if the mistreating is done wilfully, isn't it also a form of bullying? Will we ask our kids to accept bullying as it is (if it's school bully), and even ask them not to think negatively jus go ahead and enjoy school? No, we will want them to talk about it, and from there gain some learning points and decide what to do from there. Will we ask our kids to get along with the bullies or try to reduce the chances of conflict?
In the same manner, when some avoid gatherings or find other forms of avoiding conflicts such as playing games, it is jus another way of reducing chances of conflicts. In another word, it is also trying to create \"harmony\". Who would want to witness or even be part of the conflicts during the festive seasons?
条条大路通罗马. There are many ways to reach a destination, no single method applies to everyone. As long as it fits the purpose, suits the person and done with good intentions, I don't see what's wrong. Gaming is another way to bond with the younger generation of cousins even if it does not suit the oldies!
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popireis:
:goodpost:I totally agree with what most of you said about making the best of the situation and try not to instill negative thoughts etc. On the other hand, I also feel that forummers must also respect other's views and right to air their grouses and rants. This is a forum that is created to let forummers discuss and air their voices, which at times we may not be able to do so with friends & relatives. It is another way for forummers to release their tension and gain sanity. It is as good as when we \"chat\" with our colleagues about our bosses. Who will not talk about their bosses behind their backs, may I ask?
Of course I'm not saying it's right to do so. Hwr, most of the time after some ranting, it gives us the sanity to move forward. Or even allow us to think back and reflect. So I feel that for those who are lucky or brave enough to \"retaliate\", should not \"condemn\" the rest.
We often talk about school bullies and cyber bullies. Think about it, if the mistreating is done wilfully, isn't it also a form of bullying? Will we ask our kids to accept bullying as it is (if it's school bully), and even ask them not to think negatively jus go ahead and enjoy school? No, we will want them to talk about it, and from there gain some learning points and decide what to do from there. Will we ask our kids to get along with the bullies or try to reduce the chances of conflict?
In the same manner, when some avoid gatherings or find other forms of avoiding conflicts such as playing games, it is jus another way of reducing chances of conflicts. In another word, it is also trying to create \"harmony\". Who would want to witness or even be part of the conflicts during the festive seasons?
条条大路通罗马. There are many ways to reach a destination, no single method applies to everyone. As long as it fits the purpose, suits the person and done with good intentions, I don't see what's wrong. Gaming is another way to bond with the younger generation of cousins even if it does not suit the oldies! -
carilyn:
No, I'm not big-hearted at all. I'm also petty and very resentful in the beginning. My husband is a very good person who will never abandon anyone in need, esp when that is his mother, no matter how nasty she treats him. My constant anger and negative feelings is causing a lot of pressure to him, and I know it's not that he wants things to turn out that way. He has to handle 2 negative women in the house everyday, and that makes me feel terrible too. It made me realize that a unhappy household will bring us to nothing. So, if situation is that it cannot change, someone has to change. Mil is a dementia patient, she can't change. Hubby already trying his best to maintain harmony in the family, so it's my turn to do something. Someone told me marriage is a package, dun only expect the good side, accept the unpleasant sides too. Give and take. That knock sense into me.
:goodpost: Super like! -
popireis:
:goodpost: yes, I agree with you fullyI totally agree with what most of you said about making the best of the situation and try not to instill negative thoughts etc. On the other hand, I also feel that forummers must also respect other's views and right to air their grouses and rants. This is a forum that is created to let forummers discuss and air their voices, which at times we may not be able to do so with friends & relatives. It is another way for forummers to release their tension and gain sanity. It is as good as when we \"chat\" with our colleagues about our bosses. Who will not talk about their bosses behind their backs, may I ask?
Of course I'm not saying it's right to do so. Hwr, most of the time after some ranting, it gives us the sanity to move forward. Or even allow us to think back and reflect. So I feel that for those who are lucky or brave enough to \"retaliate\", should not \"condemn\" the rest.
We often talk about school bullies and cyber bullies. Think about it, if the mistreating is done wilfully, isn't it also a form of bullying? Will we ask our kids to accept bullying as it is (if it's school bully), and even ask them not to think negatively jus go ahead and enjoy school? No, we will want them to talk about it, and from there gain some learning points and decide what to do from there. Will we ask our kids to get along with the bullies or try to reduce the chances of conflict?
In the same manner, when some avoid gatherings or find other forms of avoiding conflicts such as playing games, it is jus another way of reducing chances of conflicts. In another word, it is also trying to create \"harmony\". Who would want to witness or even be part of the conflicts during the festive seasons?
条条大路通罗马. There are many ways to reach a destination, no single method applies to everyone. As long as it fits the purpose, suits the person and done with good intentions, I don't see what's wrong. Gaming is another way to bond with the younger generation of cousins even if it does not suit the oldies! -
I personally don’t stay with my ILs but I have a friend who just moved in with the hubby’s family, she just gave birth to a baby boy. Her MIL and her are like water and fire man, she chooses to stay in her room the entire day and not allow MIL to touch the baby… she’s always scolding her about the way to bathe the baby, how to feed, did you give breastmilk etc… put it simply, control freak.
but i guess this kinda things take two hands to clap too, because of the tension between them, the hubby is always the one stuck in between hai -
If the relationship doesn’t start off on good note, a baby will make things worse. A first time mother, a newborn…totally green. There will be lots of stress when bb is hungry and new mother doesn’t have milk yet. The new mother not only on confinement but also confined herself and bb in the room all the time. What happened is the bb getting jaundice bcos there is no ventilation nor sun. The list goes on…
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