What to do: Fighting in School

[ammonite]

I will find out what exactly the FT said. It could have been a case of misunderstanding or using the wrong words unknowingly. It happened between my son and his FT teacher last year and both of them were SO angry with each other. It also happened a few times between my korean neighbour and some of the neighbourhood boys. They accused him of lying and he was so angry that they were forcefully taking his things away - he meant to lend, not give.


I will also find out if the other child was in scuffles with others, or this was also the first time. This is just to get a sense of what the situation was, and if you are dealing with a one-off, or something more problematic. If one-off, forget it. If it is more problematic, tell your son to stick with his friends and avoid the other child. If they are in the same group, consider telling the teacher to change his group if it becomes a problem in the longer run. (but they may also become friends in the future, so just kiv first).

[Rational_Parent]

I think this is only me…


Boys fighting, to me, is a process of growing up. This is where a boy learn how and when to draw a line between right and wrong, learn not to cross certain boundaries, learn that aggression benefits no one, learn to stand up to bully and protect oneself, and learn to defend the weak if necessary.

But too much fighting means a boy has a character flaw, may be anti-social, may have a superiority complex and so on. Conversely, if a boy does not get into fights at all could mean that he’s anti-social, has inferiority complex and so on.

Bottom line fighting to me is not all that wrong if within reasons (e.g. was constantly provoked, had to stand up to a bully) particularly when playing with others. It also gives me opportunities to educate the child and find out traits I might not know if DS doesn’t gets into a fight. I rather my DS fight and learn when young than when they have a mind of their own. I’ll be more worried if a boy has never once fought during his childhood.

As for punishment, it’s still the ‘Carrot and the Stick’ method for me. Deny the child what they love to do most for a period is my preferred punishment. For example, one of my children love to play computer games and chat with other gamers. Depending on the reason for a fight, teachers input and frequency of occurrences, the duration of the computer ban is imposed accordingly. I’ll be lenient if my boy fight in defence of himself or others, and will teach him other ways to deal it given the same situation.

Surely we all fought before and learn something when we were kids, don’t we?

[kwcllf]

When my DS was in P1, some of his classmates were really naughty. Once, a few of them carried him and then threw him on the floor. On another occasion, they took his wallet and flung it away until his coins were scattered all over.


So fed up, I went to see V Principal. He hauled up everyone and gave them a stern warning. After that, all the nonsense stopped.

[Nebbermind]

There's bullying and there's pure impulse fighting. The latter is the lesser of a worry, especially in once off case. Nothing much to worry about. Just catch up with him and check how is his relation with the other boy...sometimes they end up being best of friends...donch ask me why/how!

[Strparent]

Rational_Parent:

I think this is only me....


Boys fighting, to me, is a process of growing up. This is where a boy learn how and when to draw a line between right and wrong, learn not to cross certain boundaries, learn that aggression benefits no one, learn to stand up to bully and protect oneself, and learn to defend the weak if necessary.

But too much fighting means a boy has a character flaw, may be anti-social, may have a superiority complex and so on. Conversely, if a boy does not get into fights at all could mean that he's anti-social, has inferiority complex and so on.

Bottom line fighting to me is not all that wrong if within reasons (e.g. was constantly provoked, had to stand up to a bully) particularly when playing with others. It also gives me opportunities to educate the child and find out traits I might not know if DS doesn't gets into a fight. I rather my DS fight and learn when young than when they have a mind of their own. I'll be more worried if a boy has never once fought during his childhood.

As for punishment, it's still the 'Carrot and the Stick' method for me. Deny the child what they love to do most for a period is my preferred punishment. For example, one of my children love to play computer games and chat with other gamers. Depending on the reason for a fight, teachers input and frequency of occurrences, the duration of the computer ban is imposed accordingly. I'll be lenient if my boy fight in defence of himself or others, and will teach him other ways to deal it given the same situation.

Surely we all fought before and learn something when we were kids, don't we?

well said, RParent :goodpost:

i agree totally. my DS also get involves in some scuffles/fights in Pr and Sec. No biggie, usually standing up to abusive taunting sch mate or helping a fren who was bullied.
But we still met out some punishment of course, but inside, I am a proud dad :oops:

[Jennifer]

Rational_Parent:

Surely we all fought before and learn something when we were kids, don't we?

Maybe the gender of school teachers are majority women who did not engage in fights during their childhood. Hence they do not understand the above

[ammonite]

Jennifer:

Rational_Parent:

Surely we all fought before and learn something when we were kids, don't we?

Maybe the gender of school teachers are majority women who did not engage in fights during their childhood. Hence they do not understand the above

My parents vividly remembered that I threw shoes at some boys and my father solemnly told me - good, I know now that you can stand up for yourself. :evil:

Agree totally with strparent and rational parent. I think the gender of the child also makes a difference. Boys' play and dynamics are different from girls' play and dynamics. Mothers with only daughters probably won't understand. My MIL's perspective and advice are very different from my mum's (who basically surrenders). At some point, boys establish a certain understanding among themselves.

Slight aside, there was an incident when an older boy invited my son to a race and after losing, became very angry. He was a year older and one head taller. He screamed and shouted at my son and invited him to a fight. My son shook his head and walked off to another part of the playground. The boy followed, still shouting \"come and fight! you don't dare to fight?!?!\" My son sat down and looked away. The boy stood right in front of him and went on ranting. The boy's grandmother was talking to me but I kept an eye on them. Just as I was about to stop the grandmother so that I could intervene, my son suddenly swung a fist at this boy who clutched himself and gaped in disbelief for a few seconds. Then he started screaming,\"You hit me?!?! You actually hit me?!?!\" My son looked at him with narrowed eyes, shook his head and went off to help a little girl catch grasshoppers!

I apologised to the grandmother (who also apologised to me), and also told my son to apologise. They never play together again. In fact, I have only seen him once after that incident and he didn't want to play with any of the boys at the playground and the feeling was mutual.

[ammonite]

Strparent:

No biggie, usually standing up to abusive taunting sch mate or helping a fren who was bullied.

But we still met out some punishment of course, but inside, I am a proud dad :oops:

me too...
DH too...

so not very PC to say hor.... :siam:

[heyhoe]

I think it is only fair to listen to your ds side of the story before giving out any form of punishment.


Just to share that my ds (small frame) was bullied by 2 boys, for no apparent reason. His hand was held up by a bigger size boy and kicked in the groin by another boy. :mad:

Although, it hurts I'm glad that he learn to report to the teacher and doesn't bow to the bully. On my part, I highlight to the school in writing that bullying must be nipped in the bud. By writing, I've a record on hand should the same incident happen again :evil: .

After the incident, the boy apologised to ds and we let the matter go. The only sad part is the parents never even bother to call or write in to apologise.