In-law problems?

[Imami]

DesertWind:

Imami:

my mil only changed after she fell very very sick. Her children were either very busy (daughter working shifts, got maid and kid prob, younger son's wife in and out of hospital due to complicated pregnancy) or not in sg (my hubby). I try to help where I can.

You are a good DIL, Imami! :salute:

Nah... No la. Not being humble here, but really no la. My parents in law didn't accept much of my help. I believe they know/feel guilty that I am saddled with a lot since my hubby travels a lot for work. But at least they appreciates my thoughts.

[SarChar]

I hope u have enjoyed your CNY gatherings as much as I did.


I am aching all over from cooking for more than 40 people today…DH has 12 siblings & 20 nieces/nephews!

We have met up for the last 3 days and will be meeting again with more than 1/2 the clan tomorrow…and then everyone again for the next 2 weekends!

[Imami]

SarChar:

I hope u have enjoyed your CNY gatherings as much as I did.


I am aching all over from cooking for more than 40 people today....DH has 12 siblings & 20 nieces/nephews!

We have met up for the last 3 days and will be meeting again with more than 1/2 the clan tomorrow....and then everyone again for the next 2 weekends!

Wow, this is sooo nice (if you are on good terms with everyone). Are you cooking for all the Gathering?

Cny is also a time I meet my whole extended family, everyone at one go. It's like a gathering of some sort. My mum cooks for every meal and my sil washes every time. The rest of the adults help to clear the food and table while the older niece and nephew take care of the younger one.

[janet88]

DesertWind:

Imami:

my mil only changed after she fell very very sick. Her children were either very busy (daughter working shifts, got maid and kid prob, younger son's wife in and out of hospital due to complicated pregnancy) or not in sg (my hubby). I try to help where I can.

You are a good DIL, Imami! :salute:

Your MIL is very blessed to have you...don't mind me saying, she changed only after she fell very sick. But most importantly, your efforts are appreciated.
:salute:

[vinegar]

if u nice to her,she suspects u've ulterior motive.

When u stay away fr. her,she treats that u wanna severe the relationship.
When u r too close to her, she'll call u non-stop.

how to deal wf this kinda MIL? :?

[Imami]

janet_lee88:

Your MIL is very blessed to have you...don't mind me saying, she changed only after she fell very sick. But most importantly, your efforts are appreciated.
:salute:

I think I more blessed to meet her son :rotflmao:

No I don't mind - it's a fact - she became nicer only after she fell very sick. But at least the relationship changes for the better. That's the most impt point.

[AdonciaTang]

Imami:

janet_lee88:

Your MIL is very blessed to have you...don't mind me saying, she changed only after she fell very sick. But most importantly, your efforts are appreciated.
:salute:

I think I more blessed to meet her son :rotflmao:

No I don't mind - it's a fact - she became nicer only after she fell very sick. But at least the relationship changes for the better. That's the most impt point.

Some times bad things happen and human changes for the better because they realized something more important.

[ImMeeMee]

Staying with ILs is causing such a huge strain on our relationship, sometimes I dont know how to move ahead.

[insider]

ImMeeMee:

Staying with ILs is causing such a huge strain on our relationship, sometimes I dont know how to move ahead.

One of my best friends recently ‘turned face’ with her only elder brother.

My friend’s mum married her dad as something like a ‘maid’ (童养媳). Therefore, the ages of her parents are about 15 years old.

Her dad’s mum (meaning her grandma) ‘bought’ her mum to take care of her dad coz her dad was someone with lower IQ.

Her grandma abused her mum for many years. The mum, coz illiterate, suffered for that period of time.

My friend was raped repeatedly by her dad when young (and I am not sure whether her mum is aware of this though my friend didn’t tell her mum).

Her mum raised her two kids in a very tough environment and my friend was very close to her brother till about 3 months ago.

When the brother’s children were young, the mum would go to the brother’s house regularly to help to take care of her grandchildren and would stay over for a few days in a week in the brother’s landed property. The sis in law is a SAHM.

Then, the brother wanted to sell the house to get cash to do some business. After selling, the family shifted to a rented two bedroom apt. Brother then told the mum that now they have no more spare spare rooms for the mum and therefore don’t need the mum to come anymore. My friend told me about this arrangement and I told her, ‘That’s probably the first step to kick the mum out.’ That was the moment when my friend almost ‘turned face’ with me coz she said her brother treated her very well and she trusted her brother completely. (I never really like the brother all this while coz his eyes are just not so right. Feel that he is someone very particular about money and will 'eat my friend' up if there's ever any money dispute but all this while I kept my mouth shut coz cannot anyhow say else if I am wrong, may affect the sibling relationship unnecessarily).

Coz of like suddenly got kicked out of the house, her mum almost went into depression. My friend encouraged her to continue to go church and told her the arrangement was just temporary.

A few months back during a funeral of a relative, my friend asked the brother about how he intended to ‘settle mum’ (even though she seemed didn’t believe what I said previously, I had planted a doubt seed in her).

Her brother replied indirectly, “It is difficult for a house to have two women and I have to choose.”

That reply made my friend very sad.

She further asked, “OK, I will accept your wife cannot get along with mum. So what if next time mum cannot function alone anymore and needs medical care? Will you take her in?”

Her brother replied indirectly again, “It is really difficult for me.”

That was when my friend really ‘turned face’ and started to recount to the brother about how tough it was for the mum to bring them up and that kind of abusive life that the mum was suffering her her grandma and the sexual abuses by the dad.

This part of recounting actually was useless coz the brother definitely knows about all these. His problem is that he has to ‘choose one’.

My friend is a filial enough child (still single). She has no problems take care of her mum but she knows her traditional mum’s wish is to be taken care by her son and to see her grandchildren. All these wishes are not possible.

My friend didn’t tell her mum about her conversation with her brother to her mum. She knows her mum still harbouring hope to be able to stay with the son when the son shifting to a landed house again soon (and then will have spare rooms).

My friend teared when she talked to me about this matter coz she knows how heart broken her mum will be if finally she realizes her son will not want to stay with her anymore (actually is more like the sis in law doesn’t want and the husband has to follow else the family may breakup). She knows how much her mum loves the son and almost all the best things in her life she leaves them for the son. This mum is one who is likely to hold a big bag of regrets at her death bed.

In life, we meet dilemmas very often.

ImMeeMee, if you have tried your best to get along with your mum but your best isn’t good enough, then do the appropriate thing to arrange to shift out instead of seeing your two ends of candle also lighted and you may go crazy. Calm down and then plan rationally if you can (you shifted out permanently or if 3 to 5 years good enough for you?).

Once shifted out, you try to settle other more urgent things and to build your internal strength with the hope of returning to stay with them again.

If you manage to shift out, you have to treat your parents in law with double respect and care to ‘compensate’ the fact that you are ‘removing’ their son away from them (I don’t know what kind of people they are. Even if they are very ‘bad’ kind, you have to tolerate their nonsense when meet RESPECTFULLY after you shift out).

Ideally, you don’t shift out for the sole objective to escape (the moment you thinking that you can ‘escape’, then more problems will come your way. The moment you thinking of you want to grow your strength, the solutions will be on the way). Shifting out is more for you to have a bigger breathing space so that you can have some more energy to do whatever filial piety bit with / for your husband whenever is needed.

If your husband is the only son and your in laws are real old, then the matter will be more complicated coz that will not give you any choice but to continue to bite your tongue to try to figure out better ways to live along with them.

Best wishes…

[Funz]

janet_lee88:

Was informed by hub that his mother doesn't have any 'lai see'. Told him it is not the amount that matters...even if just $2...but if she doesn't have any 'lai see', then the suay one is her.

I learned long ago never to say such things to DH. No one likes their own family to be criticised no matter how bad they are. Even when MIL does something that appear to frustrate DH, I will assure him instead, that all is ok, no need to be so upset with the old folks. If I join in and rant against his mum, before I know it he will get defensive and I will be on the receiving end of his frustrations. Not worth it.