桃花谈

[insider]

Jennifer:

Lately I reflected on my relationship with my late mother.


Thank you, insider.

I think I am prepared to visit her now.

My hair stood when I read about Jennifer is ready to visit her late mum coz I presume this thing must have been bugging her for a long time.

Really we don’t need to live our life so hard, as in cannot 放下 this and cannot 放下that.

Jennifer if now you can choose to 放下, then I can somewhat assure you your family will gain a lot in many ways coz you have removed an absolutely unnecessary embedded powerful negative energy (coz it involved a Mother figure) in you and all in a family will have a bigger chance to open their 无明 as you have taken the small but important step to be the Leader…

I borrowed from the saying of Neil Armstrong:

\"That's one small step for Jennifer, one giant leap for her family\".

Jennifer 加油！！

[fable]

HyperKiasu:

insider:

errr...don't know which question to take first for my this 10 min coffee break time...


Will take some questions tonight.

Meanwhile, maybe someone can help me to answer this particular question of ruohoo below pls.

[quote=\"ruohoo97\"]
Instead of concentrating my efforts in grooming my kids’ in their academics, I concentrate in building the 慈祥 look in them.
Could do share an example to build 慈祥 ?

Can an act of kindness a day help ? [/quote]My Chinese is lousy so I apologise if this is not relevant, but since he was young I have told my son that his 'superpower' is his ability to make people happy. When he smiles at someone and gets a smile in return, or holds the door open for the next person, or shows appreciation for the food he is eating, I sometimes point out to him that he is practicing his superpower, and making the world a better place, one good deed at a time.

[ruohoo97]

Thanks all for shared " building 慈祥＂ we often say ＂慈祥的老奶奶＂hardly heard any one say 慈祥的小孩。but I do appreciate that some kids are quiet and stable; some are active and mangzhang.


So here we are talking about character building. Kindness, peacefulness,considerate so on. The kind and peaceful heart does reflect a radiant facial expression. But we also often say,人不可貌相。some outside 衣冠楚楚，inside 禽兽！

[insider]

jedamum:

when he was home, everyone will tread with caution. I see the same happening in my household too - kids being especially caution when dad is around.

Hi jedamum

can you elaborate why everyone will have to 'tread with caution' when your husband is around?

[insider]

ruohoo97:

So here we are talking about character building. Kindness, peacefulness,considerate so on. The kind and peaceful heart does reflect a radiant facial expression. But we also often say,人不可貌相。some outside 衣冠楚楚，inside 禽兽！

ruohoo ah,

if you have the real '慈祥' 'coating', you can smell a wolf even the wolf is in sheep skin...(that's why I am not so concerned about my two bigger kids kena conned etc. I simply have this instinct that they will be ok.)

Anyway, dont 'small look' at 禽兽. They are actually intelligent animals. They will not pick on people with 正气 （慈祥 doesnt equate stupid but is a form of 正气 that even spirits also cannot go near).

禽兽 tend to go after people with big 无明 / 邪气 coz those are easier to con...

[insider]

BeContented:

Personally I think 慈祥 look should have some link to 相由心生.


When a person is at peace, no bitterness, no resentment or with lesser negative thoughts, their look will naturally have a softness in them.
Should be applicable to both adults & kids but just that adults tend to look harsher due to the many life challenges & longer journey. Most kids tend to have a more 'peaceful/pure' look.

How to look 慈祥 .... Probably we need to first work on keeping them happy, have less grudges, & learn to be able to forgive & less selfish.

Ps : din realise insider already responded. Took me so long just to type above using phone.

Thanks BeContented for your efforts in punching on those tiny keys...

At least you got the part about 相由心生 very correctly.

You heard of 仁者无敌？I just know about this power of compassion and if one really can harness it, one will become invincible...

Perhaps to add a bit more to your post, that we 'work on keeping them happy' AND we must also demonstrate to them what things make us happy coz to Give is the basic of building Compassion...

[Xiao Hu]

insider:

So, go find some good books to read and you maybe able to be a much better person years down the road (isn’t it the same thing like we always tell our kids? Have you been doing this yourself??)

At the closing of this thread, I will recommend some books that I feel are very enlightening. You may try reading them if your Chinese is ‘powderful’ enough...

Hi Insider,
What are some of the books you would recommend? 等到頸都长頚鹿了...

Thanks in advance,
Xiaohu

[insider]

mummy so kiasu:

I have strongly discouraged her at that point of time. I had intention to help them to save their marriage. However, I have accidentally found out that my dad had fallen for someone. A relationship takes 2 hands to work & I knew that there is no way to save my parents' relationship.

My parents have divorced for 5 years. My dad is happy with the other woman & my mum has not forgiven him. She used to be angry with me whenever I visit my dad or talk about him. I did not hate my dad & I understand that the broken marriage is a problem between my parents. They have done their parts as parents to bring up my siblings & me.

Know what? My 21 years old daughter (in UK) just skyped me for help, asking me how she can console her same age best friend (in Spore) coz her best friend's parents are now in cold war and probably in the process of divorce coz the mum found the dad got a woman outside.

Friend told my daughter that now the mum (a highly educated woman with a successful career) has turned to be unreasonable and irrational and the whole house like got caged with live wires all around.

Wise parents will never put all this kind of stress on their kids for their failed marriage. But these hurts and pains from betrayal are just too much for many to take, whether one is highly educated or not.

I told her to advise the friend to stay out of her parents' quarrels and disputes and to maintain neutral whenever possible. Just don't get sucked in and then forced to take side (both parents have been providing the kids well).

I can imagine your mum's hurts when she divorced at about 60 (and I hope she did get herself some $$$). If really cannot tahan the existence of another woman while your dad is in love with another one with no signs of returning, divorce is not a bad idea.

Hope your mum can figure out the part about 缘分已尽 and can 放下 in the near future.

恨 gnaws the heart of a person up bit by bit and it gets reflected on the face. If she cannot live happier than what your dad is living his life now, she suffers a double failure. She just has to figure this thing through and most of the time, she has to go through this process alone...

You are right to understand both your parents have provided for their children and right to remain neutral.

Never get sucked in else your family Qi will be affected to.

You can learn a great deal from their divorce and then use their mistakes to fortify your own family ties. (as said, wise people learn through the mistakes of others while the unwise ones have to go through the mistake itself to learn the lesson)...

Trust me one day you may get to understand fully the embedded 'intangible' reasons of your parents' divorce relative to your personal journey in your marriage and your parenting path...(can't elaborate the 'theory' here coz really abstract).

PS: If your Qi is stronger than your mum, then you may attempt to 'counsel' her, else just be there for her without 'poking' her. I am yet to speak to my second sis about her conflicts with her kids coz I assess she has the same amount of Qi as me and I have no confidence at all to 'win' her. So I am still waiting for a good moment to 'attack' her. Never talk when the other person is not willing to listen. Just wait...

[insider]

Xiao Hu:

Hi Insider,
What are some of the books you would recommend? 等到頸都长頚鹿了...

Thanks in advance,
Xiaohu

This one needs to consolidate leh.

I will do the list up after my final round of answering a meaningful case in my pm...(by this weekend I hope).

wait huh...

[jedamum]

insider:

jedamum:

when he was home, everyone will tread with caution. I see the same happening in my household too - kids being especially caution when dad is around.

Hi jedamum

can you elaborate why everyone will have to 'tread with caution' when your husband is around?

Insider,
That means try our utmost best to put on our best behavior ? No noisy discussion etc.
I had re read some of the response here and trying to reflect and see if it could be my subtle influence on my kids in response to my own experience as a child.
I feel that the mood in the house greatly hinges on my ability to juggld the three males. It overwhelmp me sometimes and I had to remind myself to put husband first but it tempting to over spend time with kids.