桃花谈
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mummy OnABudget:
mummy,Been a silent reader all this while and honestly i have learn alot, i have never forgave my ex for leaving the family.
Never forgave my dad for not being at my mothers death bed when i was 12 he told me he was too busy to come told me a 12 yr old to settle things on my own.
i must thank the lord above though he took away my mum he gave me my granny who brought me up since small, without her endless encoragment i may have always stuck at the hole.
But this yr i dont know where i got the strength to really start to let go the harted towards my daddy i called him up and went to se him as usual normally our cny meeting is silence but this yr was different i made small talk with him and amazingly we even can gossip about some stuff together yes i am still learning to let go totally it will take time alot of it, but i guess this is a very good start.
Whereas for my ex i have totally gave up on him even for the kids sake as even my son has given up on the father he said he will never turn up want la u see he never answer his calls at all and this yr i will not be taking the initative to go down mil side to try to mend i am tired already.
You have three male figures in your life so far
- your dad
- your husband
- your son (I presume you only have a son)
The first one hurt you a lot due to reasons unknown to us.
Something happened in your marriage and then the second one hurt you too.
Now you have to be careful that your son may grow up to be the third man who will also hurt you.
This is not to frighten you but I prefer to fore warn you.
You need to go and reflect any linking of your grudges against your dad previously that had led to your failed marriage. This process will take time and so pls take your time (throw away all the feelings of \"he is wrong and I am right\" and do an objective reflection).
If you can manage to find out the root problems of your marriage, then you have a higher chance of totally 放下 your husband (there's a 'mend' word in your writing and I am still not sure what this 'mend' word meant to be).
Now you are in the process of reconciling with your dad, which is a great step.
Next your have to work on forgiving your husband, wishing him well, and then 放下 him completely. (think of how my friend forgave her dad who raped her repeatedly when she was to tiny. She managed to totally 放下 else how to move on with her life? She is quite successful in her career right now.)
The moment you can figure all these out, your whole aura will change.
The moment you 放下, you may meet another man who can truly value you and bring you happiness (I know you don't really think about this possibility now but the possibility is there and so you maybe wanna start thinking. Don't forget, I kind of 'specialise‘ in 桃花...).
The moment you 放下, your child will change for the better.
Continue to seek God's Grace to have the strength to put down the unnecessary burden and be free.
Please have faith and take your time to work through your emotions instead of trying not to think about it coz it hurts too much...
Best wishes...
Add a PS:
If you cannot forgive your husband, then please never enter into any new relationship coz the chances are you will meet Another Him and you may have to repeat the cycle again. Your negative energy will either repulse positive man and / or attract negative man.
So, please try to 放下 coz that is the only right path to move forward... -
GLORYmum:
Dear insider,
Your posts are inspirational, encouraging and a million times more effective than Adam Khoo workshop IMHO tho i hvnt attended any yet and it is without hefty cost. :rahrah:
:thankyou:
paiseh paiseh....
I am a bit like 隔山打牛 leh coz I don't have more complete info of someone's hurts and have to 'guess' a bit here and there and so may end up giving wrong advice...(好心做坏事...)
But overall, I am happy that many are willing to share to make this thread a meaningful one.
谢谢!! -
BlueBells:
first is build the 仁. If you have the 仁，your will open up your 智. Once you have the 智， then the 勇 will be there.
I figured if one day, I am able to rebuke / correct MIL for her flawed values just as I would if she is my own mum, our relationship will be better. I need the 智 and 勇 to approach this.
so train yourself to have more 仁 first - by being compassionate and forgiving towards everyone and start with your family members...
if without this 仁，then one will not be as 'powderful' when he/she wants to 'convince' another party to listen...
Thanks BlueBells for taking the time to contribute!
PS:
When dealing with old folks, I feel it's not so important whether they are right or wrong. If things are of not life threatening nature, even if they are wrong we can also close one eye instead of trying to correct them...For example, not everything that my mum does is correct but I will just oblige to keep her happy coz making her happy (and not making myself happy) is my Guiding Principle whenever I come into contact with her. Nothing matter more than the Happiness of my mum - that's my Guiding Principle that I will never lose sight of!) -
Funz:
Fortune telling is sort of like a Pandora Box and so I don't encourage people to purposely go and tell fortune.I have this thing that has been kinda a nagging worry that surfaces now and then. That is why I don't quite like the idea of fortune telling...
This thread brought that nagging worry back again.
You see I don't even tell the fortune of my own kids until recently I told for my niece.
My elder son, as you know, has always been a daredevil that loves sports that make my heart skips a beat.
His main star is a 七杀 star - is a star that will not be contented with staying at the same place and doing the same thing. It's a chiong and chiong star. Basically this full of fighting spirit star comes with high probable chances of injuries.
If I would have seen his stars earlier, I might have worried myself unnecessarily for the past 19 years.
All this while, I have been keeping my cool and accepted his risk taking nature (coz even if I want to stop him, I don't think this will bring the both of us anywhere coz he is unlikely to listen). What I have been doing is still to grow my internal wisdom to rub on him so that he can be protected by the 'membrane'.
He is such a kind boy. So, he should be fine...
PS:
Earlier on you mentioned someone told you you'll always have a 贵人 with you. I suspect this 贵人 is the 解神 star which is a 'force' or someone who may appear to help you to 逢凶化吉. So, don't be too affected by the talk that your son will 'ke' you. You are a relatively strong woman and so should have enough wisdom to receive the 'force' of 解神 to deal with your son even he is really going to be your 克星. You see, he can be a 克星 but then if you are strong enough with the help of 解神, then you can overpower him to prevent him from 克ing you.
Continue to be kind and nothing can harm you... -
insider:
Insider, thanks for teaching this perspective.vinegar,
Little assignment for you to do...
1. Draw a monthly chart with 31 boxes.
2. Abstain from shouting / screaming at your child even you are going crazy (still so small at 9, cannot keep being so 'rude' to him huh. Wait til he turns 13 then you will know his full colours) .
3. Put a Star Sticker on each day that you reflect you do not shout at him.
4. If you can consecutively get 30 stars without any break in between, then you will be rewarded with a much better behaved child.
Game enough to play?
PS:
If 30 stars are too 'far' for you, then you start with a 7 Stars, then 14 Stars, and so on. It's ok to keep failing but you have to keep trying...
As parents we are all too aware of this strategy when managing our kids' behaviour, and motivating them using a reward system towards desiared behaviour. And yes, we always start with small steps, and then stretch our goals ...
But it never occurs to me to turn the tables on we ourselves when we do not 'behave'. For me, its just right there but it has not been there.
谢谢点醒. -
Hi insider,
your post is very inspirational and enlightening to me, i am still tracking and reading it since day 1, sometime, i will re-read it
you've mention that it is no good to look for fortune teller.
last year, i have been to one
reason being is , DH has not been doing well in his job and things were not smooth for him. he is at a cross-junction and kind of lost. then someone recommended me a Fengshui master and i tot no harm trying and see if there is any improvement.to cut the story short, after seeing him, things did improve a little. his biz pick up, slowly but steady.
FS master mentioned some of the things you've said here too, such as doing good, have good thought and never steal or rob, control temper (esp DH, he is a good man but quick-tempered). she said DH life is not smooth due to his bad tempered. and also, he reminded him to be filial to his mother, the closer he is to her, the better his life will be..
but may i know what adverse consequeces will we have like what you mentioned on seeing a fengshui master to 改运? -
insider:
My younger boy is a chiong type person, very blunt with his words and actions. At the age of not reaching 2 y.o. he got into an accident with his tricycle while going down a slope after getting me to agree to let go of the handle of the tricycle. There were a blood gushing, yet he told me no need to see doctor. He needed stitches.My elder son, as you know, has always been a daredevil that loves sports that make my heart skips a beat.
His main star is a 七杀 star - is a star that will not be contented with staying at the same place and doing the same thing. It's a chiong and chiong star. Basically this full of fighting spirit star comes with high probable chances of injuries.
If I would have seen his stars earlier, I might have worried myself unnecessarily for the past 19 years.
All this while, I have been keeping my cool and accepted his risk taking nature (coz even if I want to stop him, I don't think this will bring the both of us anywhere coz he is unlikely to listen). What I have been doing is still to grow my internal wisdom to rub on him so that he can be protected by the 'membrane'.
He is such a kind boy. So, he should be fine...
I feel that whenever I listened to him and do things his ways, many times I regret my decision. I always say \"It is wrong to listen to a Wong\"
This morning, he set up a test for me. I managed to keep my cool. :rahrah: -
Jennifer:
:rahrah: well done Jennifer, :please:insider:
My elder son, as you know, has always been a daredevil that loves sports that make my heart skips a beat.
He is such a kind boy. So, he should be fine... That sounds like my eldest son too. He had three injuries due to play soccer. Yet he is such a kind, gentle boy, I just feel God will take care of him:)
My younger boy is a chiong type person, very blunt with his words and actions. At the age of not reaching 2 y.o. he got into an accident with his tricycle while going down a slope after getting me to agree to let go of the handle of the tricycle. There were a blood gushing, yet he told me no need to see doctor. He needed stitches.
I feel that whenever I listened to him and do things his ways, many times I regret my decision. I always say \"It is wrong to listen to a Wong\"
This morning, he set up a test for me. I managed to keep my cool. :rahrah: -
The case that I received:
- Mum with a successful career
- Husband is relatively illiterate,rude, bo chup, watches porn, etc
- Regularly quarrel with husband in front and behind of kids. Both ‘hate’ each other
- Difficult to discipline, rude teenage kids
- Her mum was previously against divorce as family is Catholic
- Attempted to use Fengshui to change things to the better. One Fengshui master said cannot divorce else she will suffer in her career. The other master advised divorce else spouse may drag her down.
- She is ashamed of if ever get a divorce
- She is concerned about not being to give her kids a 'complete family' without a father figure.
- She seems like going crazy.
She is asking me what she should do. (A short summary advice here first - dont need to go crazy coz her situation is so much better than many other cases that I have seen. She is with 'upper hand' actually that I am not so worried but her 无明 takes a better control on her than her rational. So mummy, pls stay calm).
Part 1
Put the kids' disciplining issues aside first as those are not top priority now. This one can only 'repent' later after solving own internal problems first.
Mum has to reflect deeply on what background she was being attracted to her spouse. Attraction is usually ‘Seed’ based and so she must try to recall who she hated in the past that she subconsciouly carried that seed with her that she went to attract by / attracted to this man.
The spouse was either originally like this before marriage (and mum only discovered after marriage) or became like this only after marriage with bad seeds in him activated by the mum (or conditioned by the mum to become what he is today).
If mum can recall who her spouse resembles and the reasons of why she hated the other figure, then must resolve hatred against that figure and if necessary, patch up with that figure – this is Step 1 of 放下, to release the negative energy embedded in her.
PS:
Today is Friday and so readers here know that I will be 'busy'. I will put my thoughts, incl Fengshui on this case by this Sunday if I can.
PS2 to all readers:
Please do not add your comments on this case until I finish all my parts ok? Else maybe confusing for that mum.
PS3:
Kindly be informed that I will not response to PM and you have questions, you may post here. If you are uneasy to use your original nick to post a question, then use a new one. I was sharing with one of the forummers that actually I would like very much to meet Chief in person to joke joke a bit, but then as I have been too open in my sharing, showing my face maybe unfair to those whom I have ever mentioned before. So, I can't meet anyone in person... -
Part 2
To work on resolving past hurts may take years and you don’t really have that kind of time else the kids will suffer even more. So, to work on separation / divorce issues concurrently while you work on past issues. (in the meantime, be gentle to the kids no matter how defiant they are. They are rpobably also in a state that is as lost as you.)
It’s not clear that how long you have been fighting with you spouse but I assume have been going on for a period of about 10 years.
If cannot talk across with the spouse about peaceful living – talk about separation.
Get a lawyer to give you legal advice on how to proceed.
Tell your husband calmly that a separation is good for all as it gives time for both parties to reconsider as well as giving the kids a more stable environment to thrive on. Pick a time when both parties are calm then bring up the separation issue. Never do it while in heated moments.
Custody of kids – tell him you will respect kids’ decision (if your kids don’t want to choose you, then you have to accept and again reflect why their decision is like this). Never show him that you want to have your kids’ custody, even though you really want it. The moment he can sense, he will fight. You must fight with a very calm and neutral way instead of provoking him to make use of all means to hurt you. Be prepared for the hurts but I hope you can take the hurts as short term pain towards longer term benefits – that will be your Guiding Principle – hold it closer to mind in order to endure all sorts of abuse that maybe coming your way. Always disagree calmly (try to pace him down instead of letting him pace you up). NEVER ARGUE (which I think is what you have been doing with him and since you know it is not effective, and so why not you try new tricks instead of keep having to argue with him?)
Narration of spouse seems that he can be a violent man. So, take necessary precaution to ensure own safety to handle this separation case.
You need to walk out of this fatal blind spot:
That it is not a shameful thing to divorce but it is a shameful thing to live in utter misery! Your life is so precious and so how can you let yourself live in misery for so long and still intend to carry on just coz ‘it is shameful to get a divorce’? You should be maybe a few years younger than me only and so shld be more modern than me in thinking and shld have a circle of friends who are not judgmental against divorce women (btw, I am a few happily divorced women around me leh).
So don’t need to hide. It’s ok even if people know that you are not getting around well with your husband. You must know, usually behind everyone there’re painful stories to tell, but then most of us pretend like we are very ‘happy’ and we act ‘happy’ despite all the struggling in us. Little did we know that the moment we are willing to share, others will share too and then that’s what bring people together coz there’re emotional connections. Perhaps you cannot connect emotionally with your husband and this unwillingness to share or don’t know how to share effectively is one of the main reasons.
Even if people want to gossip, let them gossip. Gossips can’t hurt you if you don’t allow them to. Really, nothing can hurt you if you don’t take them at heart. Why would you want to hurt yourself with what some 三姑六婆 talking? Let them talk and feel happy for them if such talks give them joy!
Please, there’s nothing shameful about having a divorce – who planted this seed in you huh? (again, here you have to go and think why you feel divorce is a shameful thing. There must be something impactful that ever happened to you that made you have such ‘old fashioned’ thinking. This is an absolutely unnecessary burden that you have been carrying with you.
If you are a Catholic who cannot divorce, then please approach your pastor to see whether he can shed some light about you need to save yourself from drowning first, then you can save your kids, then you can have a clearer mind to think through about Self and God again. Tell him you have tried your best but your ‘weak’ best may not be good enough for the moment. If you have faith in God, God will not let you 走头无路 though the 路 you still have to figure out yourself. You can only figure it out if you remain calm and rationale else even if God wants to shower you with Grace, you also cannot receive it coz your mind is so occupied with unnecessary anxieties and worries.
You seem to have only superficial friends instead of good friends else you will not appear to be so lost and helpless (taking that you own a successful business, your IQ should be enough to support you not to reach this extent).
People with no good friends also reflect something about themselves – unwilling to compromise, lower self esteem (as in mind a lot about how people look at them), sensitive, 小器, etc. If you have no good friends, then you have to think whether you are also such kind of person coz if you are also such, then whatever you are faulting your husband are the things that you also have been doing…
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