桃花谈
-
Part 2
To work on resolving past hurts may take years and you don’t really have that kind of time else the kids will suffer even more. So, to work on separation / divorce issues concurrently while you work on past issues. (in the meantime, be gentle to the kids no matter how defiant they are. They are rpobably also in a state that is as lost as you.)
It’s not clear that how long you have been fighting with you spouse but I assume have been going on for a period of about 10 years.
If cannot talk across with the spouse about peaceful living – talk about separation.
Get a lawyer to give you legal advice on how to proceed.
Tell your husband calmly that a separation is good for all as it gives time for both parties to reconsider as well as giving the kids a more stable environment to thrive on. Pick a time when both parties are calm then bring up the separation issue. Never do it while in heated moments.
Custody of kids – tell him you will respect kids’ decision (if your kids don’t want to choose you, then you have to accept and again reflect why their decision is like this). Never show him that you want to have your kids’ custody, even though you really want it. The moment he can sense, he will fight. You must fight with a very calm and neutral way instead of provoking him to make use of all means to hurt you. Be prepared for the hurts but I hope you can take the hurts as short term pain towards longer term benefits – that will be your Guiding Principle – hold it closer to mind in order to endure all sorts of abuse that maybe coming your way. Always disagree calmly (try to pace him down instead of letting him pace you up). NEVER ARGUE (which I think is what you have been doing with him and since you know it is not effective, and so why not you try new tricks instead of keep having to argue with him?)
Narration of spouse seems that he can be a violent man. So, take necessary precaution to ensure own safety to handle this separation case.
You need to walk out of this fatal blind spot:
That it is not a shameful thing to divorce but it is a shameful thing to live in utter misery! Your life is so precious and so how can you let yourself live in misery for so long and still intend to carry on just coz ‘it is shameful to get a divorce’? You should be maybe a few years younger than me only and so shld be more modern than me in thinking and shld have a circle of friends who are not judgmental against divorce women (btw, I am a few happily divorced women around me leh).
So don’t need to hide. It’s ok even if people know that you are not getting around well with your husband. You must know, usually behind everyone there’re painful stories to tell, but then most of us pretend like we are very ‘happy’ and we act ‘happy’ despite all the struggling in us. Little did we know that the moment we are willing to share, others will share too and then that’s what bring people together coz there’re emotional connections. Perhaps you cannot connect emotionally with your husband and this unwillingness to share or don’t know how to share effectively is one of the main reasons.
Even if people want to gossip, let them gossip. Gossips can’t hurt you if you don’t allow them to. Really, nothing can hurt you if you don’t take them at heart. Why would you want to hurt yourself with what some 三姑六婆 talking? Let them talk and feel happy for them if such talks give them joy!
Please, there’s nothing shameful about having a divorce – who planted this seed in you huh? (again, here you have to go and think why you feel divorce is a shameful thing. There must be something impactful that ever happened to you that made you have such ‘old fashioned’ thinking. This is an absolutely unnecessary burden that you have been carrying with you.
If you are a Catholic who cannot divorce, then please approach your pastor to see whether he can shed some light about you need to save yourself from drowning first, then you can save your kids, then you can have a clearer mind to think through about Self and God again. Tell him you have tried your best but your ‘weak’ best may not be good enough for the moment. If you have faith in God, God will not let you 走头无路 though the 路 you still have to figure out yourself. You can only figure it out if you remain calm and rationale else even if God wants to shower you with Grace, you also cannot receive it coz your mind is so occupied with unnecessary anxieties and worries.
You seem to have only superficial friends instead of good friends else you will not appear to be so lost and helpless (taking that you own a successful business, your IQ should be enough to support you not to reach this extent).
People with no good friends also reflect something about themselves – unwilling to compromise, lower self esteem (as in mind a lot about how people look at them), sensitive, 小器, etc. If you have no good friends, then you have to think whether you are also such kind of person coz if you are also such, then whatever you are faulting your husband are the things that you also have been doing… -
insider:
Insider,PS:
When dealing with old folks, I feel it's not so important whether they are right or wrong. If things are of not life threatening nature, even if they are wrong we can also close one eye instead of trying to correct them...For example, not everything that my mum does is correct but I will just oblige to keep her happy coz making her happy (and not making myself happy) is my Guiding Principle whenever I come into contact with her. Nothing matter more than the Happiness of my mum - that's my Guiding Principle that I will never lose sight of!)
Thank you for the insights. In all the years that I have been married, I am always happy.
Most of the time, I managed well. If anything were to irk me, I would then share frankly with my hubby when we reached home. I am thankful that hubby is a very objective person who will hear me out and discuss the matters objectively, we will then decide what to take away for keeps or what we should look out for so we don't fall into the same mis-steps, or what approach we will take if similar situation arises for us. It applies to both sides of our families.
In one of your earlier posts regarding your nieces, you mention that perhaps your older niece can be the leader of her family. How do we tell if a household lacks a leader? Or what are the traits of one? -
:goodpost: :thankyou:
Fairy:
Hi,
Seems that many of the sharings concerned relationship with in laws, particularly, MIL. I remember reading many years ago, about the story of a woman who was so angry with her MIL that she plotted to kill her. I googled and found it! Hope it can be a source of inspiration for some of us.....
The Poison of Love
by Dr. Yang, Jwing-Ming
A long time ago, a girl named Li-Li got married and went to live with her husband and mother-in-law.
In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all. Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.
Days passed days, and weeks passed weeks. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing the poor husband great distress.
Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it.
Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs. She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all.
Mr. Huang thought for awhile, and finally said, Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you.
Li-Li said, \"Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do.\"
Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs.
He told Li-Li, \"You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some pork or chicken and put a little of these herbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspects you when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen.\"
Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.
Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.
After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument in six months with her mother-in-law, who now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.
The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter. Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening.
One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again. She said, \"Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law! She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her.\"
Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. \"Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. All of the herbs I gave you were simply to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her.\"
MORAL: Friends, have you ever realized that how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you? In China it is said: The person who loves others will also be loved.
Dr. Yang, Jwing-Ming, is a renowned author and teacher of Chinese martial arts and Qigong. Born in Taiwan, he has trained and taught Taijiquan, Qigong and Chinese martial arts for over forty-five years. He is the author of over thirty books, and was elected by Inside Kung Fu magazine as one of the 10 people who has \"made the greatest impact on martial arts in the past 100 years.\" Dr. Yang lives in Northern California. -
PART 3 - INTERRUPTED
As I was penning my ‘strategy’ to you, suddenly I have this thought that your husband may be also reading the site that you go to.
So, I will stop here for a while else my ‘strategy’ may not be effective.
Pls pm me if you are ok with me continuing with the sharing in the open.
I hope you can understand that they are some others who are also suffering like you and all can learn from each other.
PS all readers:
I will go on with the fengshui part nonetheless when I can find time…
TGIF!! -
insider:
Since these guys are not young, how do you know that they are not married men? Match making your girlfriends will involve a certain amount of risks. Your girlfriends might blame you if these guys end up with hidden agenda. Better to be safe than sorry. Not easy for middle aged women to let go of failed relationships. You are a smart woman with a happy marriage, try not to keep in touch with that over friendly man. Once again, thank you for sharing with all of us here.limlim:
Per title mah.....
no answer to my question..... :sad:
ok lah ok lah limlim. Stop hopping around 'gloomily' and i will take this small pocket of time to share something light (so as to 'justify' the thread title? heeheehee...).
Any person of sexual attraction that appears outside one's marriage = 烂桃花.
He still appears to be 'very keen' despite knowing that I am married.
He is a few years younger than me and has been smsing me like almost every weekend to go out (in groups).
Just like he is a 烂桃花 to me, actually I am also such to him coz if I am someone who is flirtatious, then may end up like Gay or one of those recently 'famous' ones with a broken family.
He is an experienced businessman and I do expect some sort of 'maturity' in him and let's see whether I can 'straighten' something with him discreetly this weekend to remain as an acquaintance or a simple friend.
If by this weekend either of my friends cannot find any possible chemistry with the man whom I 'spotted', then I will stop meeting him again. (his friend looks 'brighter' than him in terms of 慧根).
Actually all these men make me wonder about the danger of 烂桃花 which are quite aplenty outside if one is not careful enough and the danger of a spouse mis-picking up one if he / she is in a bad mood and from there, to start a probable tragedy... -
mummy so kiasu:
hahaha...my girls are all veli smart people, capable of conning men if they want to.
Since these guys are not young, how do you know that they are not married men? Match making your girlfriends will involve a certain amount of risks. Your girlfriends might blame you if these guys end up with hidden agenda. Better to be safe than sorry. Not easy for middle aged women to let go of failed relationships. You are a smart woman with a happy marriage, try not to keep in touch with that over friendly man.
These are all matured people who are not born yesterday.
So far, those men except one claimed that they are single. These claims need to be verified.
As said, I am never worried about how people want to blame me as long as my initial intention is a good one. I will open the door for them and then it's up to them to look see. Even if subsequently they got conned is still a good experience...
No worry about me. I 桃花 specialist mah. Have seen enough men to know how to handle. This younger man is nowhere near my 'power' and so no worry at all (I can sense people's Qi and so will avoid if I feel I am unable to handle).
He can be a 桃花 in another sense if I manage to change his perhaps current 'ulterior motive' towards me. He is in a business related to my husband and there is a possibility of collaboration somewhere sometime. I don't anyhow shut my door unless if I definitely have to. Who knows one day he can even be my husband's buyer/supplier!
四海之内皆兄弟 - my network is quite extensive coz of my never 拒人于千里之外...
A short story:
I used to go to a massage parlour regularly and could chat well with the male boss. My kids were asking me how come need to be so friendly huh? I just said friendliness is free mah...
My centre lease was expiring and I had to relocate.
I spent about 9 months looking for a premises with no suitable location.
OK lah, if no luck then I had to plan to close down the centre lor. (towards $$$, I 看得 very kai.)
On the last day of the 6th month before the centre's lease expiry, I received a call from this man unexpectedly. (all centres are required to give parents 6 months notice for closure / relocation. Meaning if by the 6th month before lease expiry I still cannot find a location, then I have to inform all parents about the likely closing down fate of the centre).
He told me he had closed down his massage parlour and became a property agent. And that he had a location for me and whether I wanted to take a look at it.
Strange coz I had not told anyone, include my staff, about I need to relocate the centre (it has always been a 'secret' for centres in such predicament so that parents would not be shaken and might start consider withdrawing and transferring kids).
I just met him to take a look at the new premises.
It was signed.
I managed to transfer my WHOLE centre to the new premises upon the lease expiry!
See, my friendliness is free but then the returns can be so bountiful...
PS: This man is a 贵人 who brought me millions...
PS2: People with weaker Qi cannot be like me hor. Those with weaker Qi must preferably be see no evils, hear no evils kind then can have a higher chance of do no evils...
PS3: Suddenly remember Ah Lam's saying,
\"你怕黑吗？如果你怕黑，那你不是白白的活着？“...... -
insider:
Thanks Insider. I am not so worried about DS bringing ill fortune to me but it got to me because he said the relationship between me and DS will be bad. I think every mother's fear is her own children getting estranged from them. And having this stranger looking at your birth details and saying it with so much conviction, it was unsettling.
Fortune telling is sort of like a Pandora Box and so I don't encourage people to purposely go and tell fortune.Funz:
I have this thing that has been kinda a nagging worry that surfaces now and then. That is why I don't quite like the idea of fortune telling...
This thread brought that nagging worry back again.
You see I don't even tell the fortune of my own kids until recently I told for my niece.
My elder son, as you know, has always been a daredevil that loves sports that make my heart skips a beat.
His main star is a 七杀 star - is a star that will not be contented with staying at the same place and doing the same thing. It's a chiong and chiong star. Basically this full of fighting spirit star comes with high probable chances of injuries.
If I would have seen his stars earlier, I might have worried myself unnecessarily for the past 19 years.
All this while, I have been keeping my cool and accepted his risk taking nature (coz even if I want to stop him, I don't think this will bring the both of us anywhere coz he is unlikely to listen). What I have been doing is still to grow my internal wisdom to rub on him so that he can be protected by the 'membrane'.
He is such a kind boy. So, he should be fine...
PS:
Earlier on you mentioned someone told you you'll always have a 贵人 with you. I suspect this 贵人 is the 解神 star which is a 'force' or someone who may appear to help you to 逢凶化吉. So, don't be too affected by the talk that your son will 'ke' you. You are a relatively strong woman and so should have enough wisdom to receive the 'force' of 解神 to deal with your son even he is really going to be your 克星. You see, he can be a 克星 but then if you are strong enough with the help of 解神, then you can overpower him to prevent him from 克ing you.
Continue to be kind and nothing can harm you...
As for the 贵人 thing, it came from this same guy so I don't put much stock in it. :razz: But if I do look back, life has been pretty smooth. Whenever I am about at breaking point, somehow things will straighten itself out. -
insider:
Since these guys are not young, how do you know that they are not married men? Match making your girlfriends will involve a certain amount of risks. Your girlfriends might blame you if these guys end up with hidden agenda. Better to be safe than sorry. Not easy for middle aged women to let go of failed relationships. You are a smart woman with a happy marriage, try not to keep in touch with that over friendly man.limlim:
Per title mah.....
no answer to my question..... :sad:
ok lah ok lah limlim. Stop hopping around 'gloomily' and i will take this small pocket of time to share something light (so as to 'justify' the thread title? heeheehee...).
Any person of sexual attraction that appears outside one's marriage = 烂桃花.
He still appears to be 'very keen' despite knowing that I am married.
He is a few years younger than me and has been smsing me like almost every weekend to go out (in groups).
Just like he is a 烂桃花 to me, actually I am also such to him coz if I am someone who is flirtatious, then may end up like Gay or one of those recently 'famous' ones with a broken family.
He is an experienced businessman and I do expect some sort of 'maturity' in him and let's see whether I can 'straighten' something with him discreetly this weekend to remain as an acquaintance or a simple friend.
If by this weekend either of my friends cannot find any possible chemistry with the man whom I 'spotted', then I will stop meeting him again. (his friend looks 'brighter' than him in terms of 慧根).
Actually all these men make me wonder about the danger of 烂桃花 which are quite aplenty outside if one is not careful enough and the danger of a spouse mis-picking up one if he / she is in a bad mood and from there, to start a probable tragedy... -
Hi Insider Da Jie,
My relationship with my mother was similar to your niece with your sister. The difference was that I was timid and faced my mum with fear then.
I am conscious about the fact that i am behaving like my mum having short temper, shouting and screaming when things do not go smoothly as i want. I know this is NOT right as I have been hurt before and i do NOT want my children to be fearful of me. I restrain myself with all my might when things do not go smoothly. And when I did restrained, I feel extremely frustrated inside like why I can’t even be angry when things make me angry.
It is like there is this loud, big, ugly, strong monster inside me, desire to jump out at each slightest opportunity. I do not want it to come out and suppress it. Suppressing it is very hard and frustrating for me. I need a lot of mental strength to do it.
After reading this para about the vicious cycle, I have scary vibes over me, as I was the One who disrupt the positive Qi in the house.
{It is important for a house to be filled with as many positive points as possible and a person to be surrounded by as many positive points as possible. Therefore, it’s crucial for parents to try to control their temper as much as possible and to avoid nagging, scolding, quarreling, etc at home (concept of 家和万事兴、家衰口不停）. All these breed negative points within a home and with more and more negative points, even good stars that are supposed to be shining bright will be dimmed by all the negativities in the house = most if not all at home suffer from moodiness, low spirit, etc, and thereby breeding more negative points – vicious cycle.}
I do want good stars to shine brightly for my dh, ds and dd. Since 8 feb, I have been suppressing the monster inside me. I will look away when I saw things that will invite the monster out. I will take a breath and adjust the vol. of my voice when I need to repeat my instructions again.
My hb was a little uncomfortable he say why dun I just spit what I want to say and not hold it inside. I think he saw the part that it was really difficult for me, made him feel uncomfortable. I ask for some time, it will be alright soon.
Ds used to cry his way thru when I coach him in his studies which frustrated me very much. These few weeks, I have been adjusting my expectations on him and this week, he is pretty much on auto mode, whining was less than usual and wanting to do more even when I told him to go and rest. He is more vocal, speaking up for himself. He wanted me to check one of the problem sum if he had done correctly. It was a difficult one and i frowned my brows, he saw my expression and say,"Tell me what went wrong, dun scold me hor!" in a light hearted way. Omg, I realized I must be doing that all the while and he was hurt, didnt know how to react but with tears. I smiled and acknowledged his words. And guess what, he got that tricky problem sum correct.
From time to time, the monster do sneak out but it is getting weaker. I need to build my positive stars to shine brightly to clear up my 无明 that have been around for years.
谢谢insider大姐! -
Brown bear
My situation is quite like yours. I also have to try very hard to restrain myself and at times when it builds up too much I explode like a volcano. Am trying to work on this part too.
Hello! It looks like you're interested in this conversation, but you don't have an account yet.
Getting fed up of having to scroll through the same posts each visit? When you register for an account, you'll always come back to exactly where you were before, and choose to be notified of new replies (either via email, or push notification). You'll also be able to save bookmarks and upvote posts to show your appreciation to other community members.
With your input, this post could be even better 💗
Register Login