桃花谈

[Busymom]

insider:

Busymom:

To be filial, does it mean that the child cannot disobey the parents in any way? What if the child genuinely thinks differently from the parents?

Emmm…filial piety doesn’t mean a child cannot disobey the parents in ALL situations. (I will use ‘disagree’ to replace ‘disobey’ here first to state my views).

In our relationships with all people (children and our parents incl), most of the time we can ‘agree to disagree’ (oh, how familiar it is to read this in every forum!). However, we all know when someone disagrees, that someone can approach the matters in several different ways to make the opposite party feels:

-\tRespecting your disagreement coz you disagree amicably, or
-\tUpset by your disagreement coz of unnecessary sarcasm / challenges / bad tone embedded in the disagreement.

When we disagree, we must be able to disagree in a manner that the other party knows your position without feeling hurtful / resentful.

A matured person will know how to bring an disagreement across ‘peacefully’ while an immature one may bring unnecessary ‘wars’ via the disagreement (trust you have seen enough of flame wars if the other party retaliates).

Not all of us are lucky enough to have understanding parents or parents-in-law. Some of these elderly maybe capable of driving people up the walls. If these elderly are unreasonable, such as wanting to feed your child Coke when the child is only 2 years old, you may disobey gently but firmly and this disobedience is not unfiliar. However, if you disobey in an unfriendly manner, or even rudely and fiercely and then you go home and make a big fuss out of it by complaining excessively to your spouse and others, then it is not filial = negative points in multiplier effect.

We cannot view the elderly, esp the more uneducated ones, at the same level as ourselves (more educated) most of the time. They may do things and interpret things differently from us coz they do not have the opportunities to gain knowledge that we deem as ‘common sense’. At their age, their emotions and thought process are / maybe different from us. For example, they may dote on their grandchildren in really unhealthy ways that we disagree / disallow but we all know they do it out of love for their grand kids only. Its only when we can fully appreciate their love for our kids, then we maybe able to be ‘less harsh’ in our disobedience towards them when values clash.

Perhaps I add something here. Having blessings from grandparents can also receive ‘jackpot’ positive points in multiplier effects (in fact, receiving blessings from any old person will enjoy this effect coz it involves filial piety).

This is CNY and I am quite sad when eldest brother’s family did not come to visit my mum for 拜年 coz my eldest brother is not in good term with my sis-in-law. Both my brother and his wife are so unwise to deprive their son from receiving blessings from my mum (‘blessings’ here refer to having an adult meeting a young one and feels 疼爱 for that young one. It comes in a very simple form of a handshake between the grandparents and the child and/ or a pat on the head/shoulder that usually couple with the words, “要乖乖” or “要听话” or “学业进步”. These are ‘free’ blessings that have positive multiplier effects but some coz of their stubbornness, just refuse to allow their kids to receive such from their grandparents.

Everyone of us comes with a certain amount of 福气 in our life and we plus and minus this 福气 as we are living along till the day we die. No matter how much or how little 福气that one has, he / she will never use up all his / her 福气 in this life. The ‘balance’ 福气 will be given to the people whom that person wants to bless before he / she dies and this 福气 = positive points that come with multiplier effects and so it is more valuable than the money that this person leaves behind (as inheritance).

Similarly, before a person dies, he / she will leave behind some 怨气 or regrets. Don’t be part of this 怨气 coz this carries negative points that also come with multiplier effects if it comes from the elderly, esp our parents.

My dad had several wives and my grandma wasn’t very kind to my mum at the earlier stage of their relationship.

At my grandma’s last breath, she told my mum, “Ah xxx, you don’t worry. You are such a good person. Your children will be fine.” (my mum just recounted this to me again yesterday)

This is tremendous blessings and all her kids are overall OK judging from the ‘standard’ of children born around my era (different era got different ‘standards’). My mum slogged a lot when she was younger and now her ‘pocket money’ from all her children is about $4,000 - $5,000 per month. As said earlier, my parents’ 6 kids are filial children in general (but each of us does have our own temperament that we try to monitor each other to please our mum if things don’t go right). With this huge allowance (for an old folk), my mum will happily splurge on my other siblings who require financial help (we don’t help our poorer siblings directly and any financial help will come from my mum to her child).

As you can see, my grandma blessed my mum. Then not only my mum benefits, I (as a grand child) also benefit. So, the relationship is a direct one.

Therefore, don’t deprive your children from receiving blessings from their grandparents just because maybe you cannot see eye-to-eye with them. A parent’s 无明 affects a child (if the child doesn’t born with sufficient wisdom to fend for himself/herself).

Going back to the original question.

Most of the time we can just oblige the old folks and don’t fight with them over things that are not life threatening. Most of the time we disagree coz of our own internal ‘instinct’ to ‘fight back’ coz their patterns are just so different from ours and we want our ways. No point fighting coz even on the surface you win, you lose all those positive points AND in multiplier effects… (same lah, no point for a husband to fight with the wife over small things else usually will kena ‘punishments’ in multiplier effects and so smarter ones most of the time will just oblige and close the case. Men usually can get this ‘concept’ easier than women, meaning most women don’t get it).


PS: Imami's reply is a succinct one and is right. My reply tends to be more long winded...

Thank you, insider. Although your reply is a much longer one, I appreciate it a lot as you have explained filial piety from a few angles.

I think for my parents' generation, any form of disagreement, especially if it's a non-negotiable point to them (a matter of different views actually), would be deemed as 不听话. 不听话=不孝顺. My dad is not a good husband nor a good father, but he is an extremely filial son. Hence he could not accept anything less than a gold standard from us.

Anyway this is already 陈年往事. Don't think he is sore about it anymore. As for myself, I barely remember some of those really fearful days, until now.

[insider]

Imami


It seems like you were born with very good 慧根 but you also have the 魔 that is as strong as your 慧.

Somewhere along the line, you ‘relaxed’ and you let the 魔 overpowered your 慧, and during that period of time, you accumulated many bad seeds (perhaps you incurred many curses from many people). Some (I hope most) of the bad seeds ‘matured’ during the time you gave birth to your son. And yes, your son appears to be like your ‘saviour’ – that though he seems to have caused so much pain and anguish during the delivery and subsequently during those dark two years, at least you had some of your bad seeds ‘removed’ (消业).

I think maybe last time your lived next to me coz you had about the same kind of childhood environment as me – gambling dens, prostitutes, druggies, gangsters, suicides, etc. Actually I can be a ‘professional’ gambler coz I used to follow my mum in and out of gambling dens since when I was around 5 years old to age about 11.

I know almost all the gambling ‘patterns’ by the age of around nine – 牌九、四色牌、骰子、麻将、poker、三支伯、四支配、十二支、十三支、etc. I just picked the ‘rules’ up by observations.

My second brother has a big dragon tattoo on his body and I was sort of being ‘protected’ by his gang since young coz I am his sister. Sometimes these Gor Gors would play with me too but they have never ‘touched’ me. Last time gangsters got more 义气; nowadays those so called ‘gangsters’ I no longer think so. During my dad’s funeral few years back, it was like a 黑社会 occasion with big gangs marched in together, bowed, and shouted loudly their triad’s name (though my brother has ‘retired’, his ex-gang mates still would give face). I found the scene quite ‘amusing’…

That kind of environment we soaked in when we were young perhaps was about the same with me maybe more directly involved with the sight and sounds of the people and things. The direct experiences were ‘rich’ with the images and smell somehow still can be quite vivid in my brain (sign of ageing: 往事忘不了、近事记不牢).

Nevertheless, there has never been a moment in my life that I have gone astray (don’t say about I like to play mahjong and drink wine now lah). Throughout my life, I was strongly guided by an ‘invisible light’ that I remain cheerful and hopeful with no anger or grievances at all. So, in a sense, the 魔 inside me is not as strong as my 慧, and therefore, I don’t have to go through a period of time like you to ‘invite’ curses upon myself. I was able to be like compassionate and kind throughout my life so far even during those times that I had like almost nothing to give…

My dad has 7 siblings and his parents were nice enough people, esp my paternal grandma whom I remember her as being kind and gentle (缠脚woman from China). When I was young, she used to pat on my head and said kindly, “must be 乖乖”. My paternal grand dad was a more stern man. There was a scene that was engraved in my head deeply, that there was once my grandma who stayed in the kampong came to ‘town’ to visit my dad. She dared not take the lift. So, my dad piggy back her up to my 7th storey flat while we kiddos trailing behind them. Now when I close my eyes, I still can see that image. My dad was a filial son.

My mum is the eldest in her family of 6 siblings. She worked very hard during young time helping my grandma to take care of all the young ones besides having to tend to the farm animals. My mum sacrificed herself completely in a way as she is the only one in her family who never attended school at all. My maternal grandma doted on all of us. My maternal grandpa was a ‘distant’ figure (meaning not close) but he did visit my mum now and then to ask for money.

When I was young, I knew of my two sets of grandparents were nice enough people and my parents’ relationships with respective set of parents were overall cordial.

I was asking you for more details coz I wanted to try to study the ‘origin’ of your 魔. But your dad seemed like quite a nice enough person (someone similar to my dad who was hot tempered but loved his kiddos in his own ways).

The relationships:

Paternal Grandma (blamed yr dad for causing spouse to die. Here I assume she ‘cursed’ yr dad = multiplier effects. Maybe you can share how was her last moment relationship with your dad?)

Dad – bad tempered (presumed a ‘cursed’ man with multiplier effects from own mother and ownself does not have enough ‘power’ to fend off the curses)

Mum – good nature (your dad bears some good seeds to marry her. This one seems like the ‘Leader’.)

You – kind but later chose not to be kind and then recently decided to ‘U’ turn (‘rubbed’ by the curses that dad carries as well as mum’s good seeds).

To be continued… (too long. So going to ‘submit’ by parts and in between may edit a bit here and there).

PS:
This ‘analysis’ is just for illustrative purposes only as complete information is not available…

[insider]

Cont Part 2…


As said, we should minimize curses, whether cursing others or let others curse us.

千夫所指，不疾而死 - that is the power of curses…

During the dark years of your life, your bad seeds of curses ‘matured’, leading to your sufferings. Your 慧was completely covered though it was still there but you couldn’t see. You allowed 魔 to guide you.

I deem you to be someone who can be larger than life. You are endowed with a good brain and good 慧根 (these two don’t always go together). To ‘save’ you, the supernatural power gave you your son to awaken your 慧 again. However, you have to know that your 魔 most likely is still inside you (coz the power of curses may yet to be fully ‘expired’).

You may see your son as a child similar to you when you were younger – understanding and kind (you may verify with your mum casually about this – how were you when you were young? Was it similar to your son?)

Here, you have to be careful of a vicious cycle – that your son, though born with 惠根, can one day also decides not to be kind anymore and starts to be ruthless. Therefore, at the beginning part when he gave you the light to walk out of the dark alley, preferably you have to ‘polish’ your 慧 so that he will not be rubbed with too many bad seeds to lead him towards that painful path. Your son, though endowed with much 慧 at birth, this 慧 needs to continue to grow instead of being covered by bad seeds sown onto him incidentally.

Your past painful experiences serve meaningful purposes, that if one day your son also runs into similar monstrous stage like you, you will know what he is going through, and then you will have the strength to guide him through. We should not be afraid of problems as long as we have the strength to bite the bullet calmly and solve them as and when they come.

As parents, we are the pillars for our kids when they are in troubles. Whenever I am in troubles, I think of my mum, and that will always give me strength to sail on. So, we have to work towards being a stronger self so that our kiddos can harness on this intangible strength to sail on their life too whenever they are in troubles. We have to build the faith and the trust in them that they can weather all kinds of problems in life and such strength will determine the stress taking level that each will have when they face problems.

When I said that ‘you can be larger than life’, I mean you are ‘fortunate’ to be given such growing up environment to see and feel more about human and mankind. People like us who been through quite a bit is because God knows we are able to take it and in the process, we get toughen up and be strong enough to help those in needs. Not everyone is ‘fortunate’ enough to have such experiences and therefore, they stand a smaller chance to build stronger offsprings.

I see many people feel so stressed about events that I feel are ‘small’. But to them, those events are just so BIG and so BIG and I just can’t make them see that actually those are ‘non-events’. I recognize that I cannot put them through the same life experiences that I have been through and therefore, they cannot have the same kind of mental strength as me. So, they have to continue suffering coz those are ‘growing pains’…

If you re-pick up your 慧, practice

如果修心太难,
那就先修口.
修了口, 如果修心还是不行,那就修行.
成功的修了口和行,
修心应该不难了.

Your 福报 at later part of your life will be enormous.

I consider myself at this age enjoying good 福报, coz I am seldom troubled by anything. My heart is calm most of the time. I sleep soundly even though the sky seems like going to fall. So, I can sort of predict I will have a 好死, coz I am ‘relax’ and don’t hold grudges or hatred in me at all (basically I recognize grudges or hatred as 毒蛇猛兽 that I will not allow them to stay in my system).

The last 10 years of a person’s life determines whether that person has good 福报 or bad 福报. Whatever success or glamour or wealth that one enjoys during young time is not important if during his older age, he is troubled by this and that and cannot die peacefully. During our young time is the best time for us to sow good seeds, even if sowing of such good seeds would mean we have to ‘lugi’ in some ways sometimes.

From the way you described your relationship with your in-laws, you seem to be guided back by your 慧 again. When you stop bearing grudges, your become the 仁者无敌. 仁 is a very powerful element that can ‘conquer’ the ‘enemy’ without having to use any weapons. I cant really describe how 仁 feels like, but it’s an ‘aura’ that will ‘pacify’ even a murderer – something like this which is abstract. I have that ‘aura’ coz some individuals, incl new acquaintance and my two elder kids, have commented me so. Any chaotic situation can be ‘calmed’ by my arrival, it’s an abstract ‘aura’ thing that is related to ‘Qi’.

It’s quite strange for me that you still cannot 放下 that $700. That was a childhood event and looking at it from another angle could be a good event for you to break up with her. If she didn’t steal your money, you might continue to be friend with her. And if you continued to be friend with her, you might end up doing something illegal with her subsequently and then landed yourself up in Girls’ Home or jail. So, you have to actually thank her for stealing your money! I met numerous events like this in my life about betrayal. But ALWAYS I can find a way to forgive that someone and ‘thank’ that someone and I move on. Cannot 赔了夫人又折兵……

I can sense that you are very ‘powerful’, that you have the ‘nature’ to be groomed into someone very useful to the society. I am not shy to say I am grooming three useful individuals for the future society. My three kids are likely to contribute and to help many others in their own ways during their lifetime and that’s the legacy I am leaving behind for the 尘土 that raises me. So you see, when we ‘groom’ ourselves, we indirectly groom our offsprings and with that, high chance of 福报连连.

I once think that people like us actually may make better politicians than those sitting in the cabinet, coz we know how people from the ‘underground’ need as well as how people from the ‘upper society’ want…

PS:
The 魔 in you - to be minimized/removed by your praying to your paternal grandma if you know where she was buried and/or sowing more good seeds yourself by helping others. If you are ‘powerful’ enough, talk gently with your dad about his impression of his mum. If he still holds grievances, help him to untie the knots. 清明 go 扫墓 together if your grandma is somewhere around.

You are doing very good with your in laws – multiplier effects – you / your family may experience more good things after they pass on (not that I am cursing them but I am taking Death as a matter-of-factly).

I sincerely wishing your son well coz it’s such a joy to have a child with good 慧根 to begin with! You really don’t need to do much for your son but you have to 修yourself then all will turn well…

PS2:
About having a second child, medically are you fit after your first delivery? ‘Logically’ you should have a daughter in my ‘hunch’. If you are medically fit but still unable to conceive, then you have to think of whether the memory of your first delivery is still haunting you. If it is, then conception will be much more difficulty coz sub-consciously, actually you are fearful to have second one which indirectly mean, you don’t want a second one. If you ‘don’t want’, then don’t have…

[MR06]

Imami:

insider:

Imami


Thanks for taking the time and guts to write...

Your account is 'interesting' and I can see more 'good' than 'bad' from your past experiences.

Now I working. Will elaborate more when free.

Good job!!

Most welcome Insider. I am glad to have finally pass up something that I think can ‘see the world’. As I write, there was a part of me which wonder if I would be judged from now on. I do know, from experience, being able to consolidate and to share it, is part of the healing process.

Fear not my friend,

Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.

Nancy Lopez

[smurf28]

Living in a grateful world


Be grateful to those who have hurt or harmed you,
for they have reinforced your detetmination.

Be grateful to those who have deceived you,
for they have deepened your insight.

Be grateful to those who have hit you,
for they have reduced your karmic obstacles .

Be grateful to those who have abandoned you,
for they have taught you to be independent .

Be grateful to those who have made you stumble,
for they have strengthened your ability.

Be grateful to those who have denounced you,
for they have increase your wisdom and concentration

Be grateful to those who have made you
Firm & Resolute
and Helped you in your Achievement.

[smurf28]

Living in a grateful world


Be grateful to those who have hurt or harmed you,
for they have reinforced your detetmination.

Be grateful to those who have deceived you,
for they have deepened your insight.

Be grateful to those who have hit you,
for they have reduced your karmic obstacles .

Be grateful to those who have abandoned you,
for they have taught you to be independent .

Be grateful to those who have made you stumble,
for they have strengthened your ability.

Be grateful to those who have denounced you,
for they have increase your wisdom and concentration

Be grateful to those who have made you
Firm & Resolute
and Helped you in your Achievement.

[Imami]

Busymom:

Thanks, Imami.

There was a time when my mom was very against a decision that I had made. I talked to her every night, for many hours. At the end of each session, I thought that I had almost managed to talk her around. However, the next morning, she would go back to her old stubborn self and I would be back to square one again trying to persuade her. She was probably in a big patch of 无明. Or maybe I was...

She finally accepted my choice, after a long time. Initially out of her love for me, but eventually she realized that I wasn't wrong. However, my dad didn't forgive me for causing her such grievance, for a very long time. In his mind during that whole time, I probably was the most unfilial child in the entire universe. I dreaded going home every night, not sure when I may step on a land mine and get blown into pieces.

:hugs: :hugs: 都过去了。

[Imami]

MR06:

Imami:

Most welcome Insider. I am glad to have finally pass up something that I think can ‘see the world’. As I write, there was a part of me which wonder if I would be judged from now on. I do know, from experience, being able to consolidate and to share it, is part of the healing process.

Fear not my friend,

Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.

Nancy Lopez

thanks mr06. Becos of your Id, for some reason, I always think of James bond :rotflmao: .

The part in red is very true.... :sad:

[Imami]

smurf28:

Living in a grateful world


Be grateful to those who have hurt or harmed you,
for they have reinforced your detetmination.

Be grateful to those who have deceived you,
for they have deepened your insight.

Be grateful to those who have hit you,
for they have reduced your karmic obstacles .

Be grateful to those who have abandoned you,
for they have taught you to be independent .

Be grateful to those who have made you stumble,
for they have strengthened your ability.

Be grateful to those who have denounced you,
for they have increase your wisdom and concentration

Be grateful to those who have made you
Firm & Resolute
and Helped you in your Achievement.

:hugs: thanks for sharing. this is very nice indeed

I hv personally experienced the parts in red and reached the point when I actually became grateful for these people. ESP the one on \"abandon\". Without him \"abandoning\" me, I wouldn't hv been so independent.

[concern2]

insider:

I am not shy to say I am grooming three useful individuals for the future society. My three kids are likely to contribute and to help many others in their own ways during their lifetime and that’s the legacy I am leaving behind for the 尘土 that raises me. So you see, when we ‘groom’ ourselves, we indirectly groom our offsprings and with that, high chance of 福报连连.

Insider, I think by sharing on this thread here, you are 'grooming' more individuals than you think

Imami, thanks for sharing your story too! Really, 三人行必有我师！ :salute: