桃花谈

[insider]

Imami:

What I mean is, in all aspect (be it academic, moral/social education), the parents need to be able to lower down to the kids’ level and see what blind spots the kids are facing. Cannot all the time“我妈妈也是这样教我的” or to repeat the same words again and again despite the kid catch no ball...

Nothing along the line of manipulation. Parents and care givers should not manipulate the children. I believe this (to manipulate the kids) breeds a bigger problem to come. 在孩子的心里，父母by default are held in high regards. So I believe, we should preserve this respect our children have for us.

Only young children (beyond a certain age, I think this quality somehow has been eroded) gives unconditional love...

Yes, your above is very right...

Imami:

For 1, you said this about me:

Then, you said this about your builder friend:
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?p=964671#p964671...
My question came about because I thought福报 needs to be earned. It’s not going to increase if one doesn’t do anything. So your advice to me was to 修口行心 and there was nothing about my work or how I should spend my time. For this builder friend, you say his 福报 is no good coz he has very little time to 清心寡欲?

I believe is friend maybe really have poor 福报. (I won't know coz I don't intend to tell his 命 but the way that he has been living his life already shows so - ultra busy, fat (no time to take care of himself), rich but 三餐都没时间吃好, always troubled, etc).

The first thing I need to tell him that he can CHANGE it instead of just believing in it and carry on with his 驴子转磨 lifestyle.

If he day in and day out just working, real working to the extent of feeling 'lost' enough to sms me that message, he will have no time to rest and think and ponder about meanings of 生命 (which is basically just to 把自己做好 and then the rest will follow).

We need to find time to 清心寡欲. Then our minds can be clearer and perhaps can do some 'life planning' that will include sparing time for loved ones as well as doing charity work.

This friend is in a state whereby he feels he 'deserved' to work so hard, to be so 烦 in order to make money.

But I will be telling him if his money bowl is not that big, then just don't work so hard and if he wants to make easier moeny, perhaps donate 20% of his income to charity since he doesn't really use the money to enjoy life. The moment he starts to do more charity work, his 福报 will increase. He has to stop looking at only his 命 and to start looking outside of it and then things will start to change.

His Master is a learned monk from Thailand. This one is someone whom my friend has been following for years. And so my input will just be an input and then I will leave it to him to believe whether his destiny of poor 福报 is indeed a fixed one or not...

PS: Friend ever asked me whether I want to meet this monk to tell my fortune but I declined. Think I still prefer to believe in myself at this moment. At later part of my life, then maybe yes, I will follow a learned one...

Imami:

For 2, I wonder if the seeding (be it good or bad, be it anyone), is it definitely from an earlier generation? Eg. My bad seed must be from either my parents or grandparents, cannot be from someone in my generation, cannot be from someone without blood relationship?

As said, the seed is either you carried forward from previous lives or was planted in this life.

If planted in this life by your parents, then it carries multiplier effect.

If planted by others and not your parents, then it carries effect.

So in a sense, I will always try to study the 'seed' of a 魔 to see whether can resolve it (most of the time by forgiving, 放下）.

That friend whom I mentioned above. He gave permission to remove the life supporting machine of his dad when doctor gave the dad's children's option to do so during his dad's last moment. He thought it was a rationale move. Then his Master told him he had committed a very big sin for doing that and that he therefore had incurred much 业障. This piece of note from his Master troubled my friend a lot and therefore he started chanting scripture hopefully to remove part of the 业障.

After he shared with me about how he was troubled by his Master's note, until now I am still pondering about the 'truth' of it. More or less, I go back to my orginal Guiding Principle of I do things out of pure goodwill. if I have to remove any life supporting machines of a person for the purpose of relieving that person from pain and to move on, perhaps I will still do it. If there's 业障 incurred, then so be it coz basically I still feel 问心无愧 and I would still classify the removing act under 仁 (compassion to want to end the sufferings), 智 （a well thought decision), and 勇 (the courage to pull the plug).

So as you can see from my friend's case, not everyone is suitable to have their fortune told...

尽信命不如无命，
尽信人不如无人，
尽信书不如无书。

We still need to activate our 慧 to interpret many things personally in face of so much information available around us...

[concern2]

Question: When we talk about having faith, faith in our children, that they will be fine, faith that things will turn out fine; this concept of 'Faith', how do you explain it in Mandarin and to an athiest?

[SAHM_TAN]

Ya, academic result is a bummer. I don’t know why I’m so hang up abt it. I don’t remember my parents being so particular abt it when I was young, I don’t remember much abt my life actually. Late last year I have decided not to bother so much abt the results but I’ve not been very successful. I know she’s a good child and I should be happy that I don’t have to deal with real problems in regards to her. Maybe I no problem find problems?

[Imami]

concern2:

Question: When we talk about having faith, faith in our children, that they will be fine, faith that things will turn out fine; this concept of 'Faith', how do you explain it in Mandarin and to an athiest?

Erm... I no master but I can chip in la hor? Hehe

Faith can also be 信念。it can also be construed as \"confidence in\" ( eg I have confidence in my husband that he would not stray).

[sunflower]

insider:

That friend whom I mentioned above. He gave permission to remove the life supporting machine of his dad when doctor gave the dad's children's option to do so during his dad's last moment. He thought it was a rationale move. Then his Master told him he had committed a very big sin for doing that and that he therefore had incurred much 业障. This piece of note from his Master troubled my friend a lot and therefore he started chanting scripture hopefully to remove part of the 业障.

After he shared with me about how he was troubled by his Master's note, until now I am still pondering about the 'truth' of it. More or less, I go back to my orginal Guiding Principle of I do things out of pure goodwill. if I have to remove any life supporting machines of a person for the purpose of relieving that person from pain and to move on, perhaps I will still do it. If there's 业障 incurred, then so be it coz basically I still feel 问心无愧 and I would still classify the removing act under 仁 (compassion to want to end the sufferings), 智 （a well thought decision), and 勇 (the courage to pull the plug).

So as you can see from my friend's case, not everyone is suitable to have their fortune told...

尽信命不如无命，
尽信人不如无人，
尽信书不如无书。

We still need to activate our 慧 to interpret many things personally in face of so much information available around us...

I really feel sad for your friend. He is in bondage. I agree that not everyone is suitable to have one's fortune told. In fact, I would advise NOT to seek such information.

I knew of someone, a very nice, kind-hearted and caring man, who listened to wife and doted on son. I do not know why but he went fortune telling one day when wife was pregnant with 2nd child. The fortune-teller told him that if the 2nd child would be a son, he (and family?) would encounter misfortune (exactly what I’m not sure). He was VERY troubled by it. It tuned out that the 2nd child was really a son and he some how went to self fulfill the “prophecy” by taking his own life. I still feel sad for the loss of his life while writing about it. :sad:

[sunflower]

SAHM_TAN:

Ya, academic result is a bummer. I don't know why I'm so hang up abt it. I don't remember my parents being so particular abt it when I was young, I don't remember much abt my life actually. Late last year I have decided not to bother so much abt the results but I've not been very successful. I know she's a good child and I should be happy that I don't have to deal with real problems in regards to her. Maybe I no problem find problems?

Yes, please do not be TOO kan cheong with regards to children's academic, especially girls, who bear grudges more easily than boys. My friend badly strained her relationship with her daughter because of academic results. I'm worried for them as to how are they going to reconcile. The hurt and damage done were really very deep.

[insider]

concern2:

Question: When we talk about having faith, faith in our children, that they will be fine, faith that things will turn out fine; this concept of 'Faith', how do you explain it in Mandarin and to an athiest?

“Faith” basically is just an Unshakable Belief.

As what Imami said, it’s a 信念, literally translated as “trust” and “seed” (“seed” as in a thought. A 念 is always a ‘seed’ that carries in itself tremendous potential power; just like a tiny seed can grow into a giant tree…).

This信念 will be tested time and again by the ‘demons’ inside us as well as by our surrounding people / environment coz one is likely to be one of the few odd ones out when he / she does not seem to follow the ‘norm’ (such as feeding babies with the best formula milk <which to me all this while I feel is absolutely unnecessary coz that’s ‘over provision’), go for piano/whatever enrichment, go to the ‘best’ school, etc).

When I say “faith in our children”, it should be interpreted more as a faith in ourselves, that as long as we live ‘properly’, then our ‘properly’ will rub onto them and from there, they can find their own ways to be good persons from whereby ‘correct’ doors will be opening for them with meeting of the ‘correct’ people = everything will be in order for them to lead their lives.

mummyv shared the books (http://www.esotericscience.org/article16a.htm). I briefly browsed through the website and have ordered the books via amazon.uk. I think the author is an atheist who tried to ‘fuse’ science and religions together and so those books maybe interesting to read (I am always interested to know about how westerners interpret Buddhism and the author’s writing seems to be heavily skewed towards Buddhism from the way I read his ‘analysis’).

When comes to thinking about the Philosophy of Life, even atheists need to read widely with such readings to include readings on world major religions. From there, they form an opinion that will be the basis of their morals and direction in life and living. If don’t read, it is difficult to ‘concoct’ such deep knowledge by self unless like my mum who was born with tremendous wisdom.

My daughter now is still an atheist. She obtains most of her Buddhism knowledge from me and from the books I recommended her to read while at the same time, she is also quite well versed in the Bible and Christianity. I don’t really bother with what religion she will eventually take up or she will still remain as an atheist. As long as she is a good person with a sound moral compass, nothing really matters to me…

I don’t think I have really answered your question as I myself feel inadequate to put my answer clear enough across. As we are dealing with something ‘abstract’ here, it may not be possible to explain things real clearly coz much ‘intangible’ emotions / feelings are involved in such sharing. Basically, it’s ‘experiential’ and so difficult to pen down such with words…

[insider]

SAHM_TAN:

Ya, academic result is a bummer. I don't know why I'm so hang up abt it. I don't remember my parents being so particular abt it when I was young, I don't remember much abt my life actually. Late last year I have decided not to bother so much abt the results but I've not been very successful. I know she's a good child and I should be happy that I don't have to deal with real problems in regards to her. Maybe I no problem find problems?

See, you know academic result is a 'bummer' but you still cant help and be so hung up about it.

That's 无明. It disrupts the peace (清心寡欲）that you are supposed to enjoy.

This very short but meaningful Buddhism script* (pertaining to your \"no problem find problems\" which is \"common\"):

菩提本无树，
明镜亦非台，
本来无一物，
何处惹尘埃。

It took me quite a while to understand the script.

Basically it talks about actually there's nothing to worry but then somehow we just choose to worry (like in your situation of you just got so hung up by academic results).

Actually you have something to fall on in your childhood, that you can remember last time your parents didn't really have to work too much on you but you still grow up quite finely.

You may apply the same to your kids. For me, my expectation has always been 70, anything extra is 'celebration time' and my kids got to celebrate a lot coz most of the time they hit 'target'. Anything below then I just have to sit with that child for a few times then should be on target again.

I DON'T sit with any of my kids much regarding their schoolwork as you know. They have to be independent in their basic duty of studying without having the thought / hope of someone will have the responsibility to sit besides them in order for them to do this 'basic duty'.

I shared before:

If a child is 'destined' with a 60/100 quality of life, he will get that level even if he studies until PhD.

If a child is 'destined' with a 80/100 quality of life, he will get that level even if he stops at O level.

How much we 'force' or coax kids to study will not change this destiny much.

The only thing that we can do to improve on one's destiny is via developing compassionate individuals - this one to me is a Sure Win...

So, you try to develop your own interest and do your own things. If you find you really cannot stop tailing behind your kiddos' backs on their studies, then make some arrangement and return to work. First and foremost, you have to live a fulfilling life, then your kiddos are likely to also live fulfilling lives coz you are the MODEL...

I shared about my second sis who has 3 GEP kids. My second sis' life is so unfulfilling and it is not difficult for me to foresee that her 3 kids are unlikely to have fulfilling lives coz the imprint (seed) of what a fulfilling life should be is not with her kiddos at all...


PS:
This script was written by 六祖慧能. The story of this enlightened one is very interesting. He was born ultra poor and never had a chance to go school. Then one day he saw a 佛经 (think is the very complex 金刚经）on a table with a guest in a 客栈. He casually asked the guest to read the book to him. He could understand the gist of it just by listening (meaning he was born with tremendous 慧根）. Then he went on to 拜师 and subsequently passed on as an enlightened 佛.

For those who are interested in his story, 仿佛居士”慧能谈“ is a very interesting book to read (I remember I started the book at night and 'chase reading' till morning to complete it...)

[ruohoo97]

insider:

The only thing that we can do to improve on one's destiny is via developing compassionate individuals - this one to me is a Sure Win...

So, you try to develop your own interest and do your own things. If you find you really cannot stop tailing behind your kiddos' backs on their studies, then make some arrangement and return to work. First and foremost, you have to live a fulfilling life, then your kiddos are likely to also live fulfilling lives coz you are the MODEL...

This is interesting point. many of us quit our career to be SAHM, you seems to suggest otherwise.

[cmm]

sunflower:

Yes, please do not be TOO kan cheong with regards to children's academic, especially girls, who bear grudges more easily than boys. My friend badly strained her relationship with her daughter because of academic results. I'm worried for them as to how are they going to reconcile. The hurt and damage done were really very deep.

My son told me something when I picked him up from school just now. He said his teacher told them a story today in class. It's the story of the boy who cried wolf.

I was about to ask him for the moral of the story when he volunteered \"This story teaches us not to tell lies. But my friend A said she will continue to tell lies. This is because her mother is always angry with her, so she wants to tell lies to take revenge on her mother.\" :yikes:

I told my son that this is not the right way to treat one's own mother (had to undo whatever bad influence A might have imparted to my son ), that A's mother would be very hurt to know what A said.

Feel sad for this child as she already has such deep rooted dislike for her mother at such a young age (P1). I'm not sure though if the cause of their conflict is due to academic pursuits.