Club SAHM
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buds:
Dearest Buds,TheAnswer, i used to earn slightly more than hubs too. I try not to engage in any rants pertaining to job fulfillment (I loved my job tremendously!) or of any pay raise/appraisal if i can help it. I offer to pay for meals out during outings.. belanja his and my families out for family makans.. and also arrange for our family hols. It's like indirectly saying if we got more, we can splurge a bit more.... on everyone. Good things must share.
Whether or not they appreciate, it was my sincere contribution.
So i don't let any http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php get to me. Just brush everything aside as http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php.
When i just graduated, I was making around $500 more than him every month. I kept to simple pleasures (no branded goods because he feels inadequate when I buy them even if I am paying out of my own pocket). I know he is unbalanced cos I am financially so much better than him. Currently, I am making around 3K more than him. Usually I pay when we go to more expensive restaurants (usually once a month). I do not mind paying at all. On weekends, he will usually want to cook at home. Yes, he can cook and clean plus housework if I arrow him. Ok, I try to look at his plus points. Both of us love hawker food and food courts also.
But sometimes he really piss me off so much so that I hurt his ego unknowingly. On good days, everything is really great. He can be sweet and all that. Everything was at peace until last night. When work gives him hell, he gives me hell. I do agree with you not to ask about work. I will try harder next time. Last night I was overwhelmed so things kinda came out wrongly. For now, he is not back yet. Friday nights are cycling nights with buddies. I see how later. Maybe make small talk. He should be in better mood later. Usually after exercise he feels better. Maybe can treat him to his favorite unhealthy home fried nuggets and fries + a can of coke light. He is like a big kid! -
vinegar:
How about scheduling your DC's classes on weekends?buds,
thks for offering help.For me,it is not the matter of having more time for myself,it is more of having more time wf my DH.
i can sneak out 1 or 2hours to do quick shopping or exercise when kid out for tuition.
but having meal wf DH is out of question coz no caregiver n DH not keen.
DH and I spend some time alone at cafes and restaurants whilst DS2 is attending classes. Cos some of the places have parking issues, usually both of us need to send him... One drives and waits whilst the other sends or fetches DS2. -
TheAnswer:
reconciled? no la...i all along very good relationship wf my mum,despite she sayang my brother more.what i mean is i told her how appreciative i am,for the things she had done for me.Before i become sahm,i used to take thing for granted...didn't realise even making a bowl of soup takes such great effort.
Glad you reconciled with your mum. Heart warming. I also love my mummy more now.vinegar:
somehow,when i think of my mum,i think i deserve it to be treated this way by my DH.
I remember my mum ever told me tat u don't think working is big shark,SAHM also has lots of things to do.I nvr realise it till i married.I apologised to my mum. -
vinegar:
reconciled? no la...i all along very good relationship wf my mum,despite she sayang my brother more.what i mean is i told her how appreciative i am,for the things she had done for me.Before i become sahm,i used to take thing for granted...didn't realise even making a bowl of soup takes such great effort.[/quote]Ic. Yeah, same here. Took a lot of things for granted when I was younger.
Glad you reconciled with your mum. Heart warming. I also love my mummy more now.TheAnswer:
[quote=\"vinegar\"]somehow,when i think of my mum,i think i deserve it to be treated this way by my DH.
I remember my mum ever told me tat u don't think working is big shark,SAHM also has lots of things to do.I nvr realise it till i married.I apologised to my mum. -
KSmom8:
DC hv tuition/cca during wkdays,refuse to hv wkend tuition.Furthermore,wkend slots all taken up...long waiting list..
How about scheduling your DC's classes on weekends?vinegar:
buds,
thks for offering help.For me,it is not the matter of having more time for myself,it is more of having more time wf my DH.
i can sneak out 1 or 2hours to do quick shopping or exercise when kid out for tuition.
but having meal wf DH is out of question coz no caregiver n DH not keen.
DH and I spend some time alone at cafes and restaurants whilst DS2 is attending classes. Cos some of the places have parking issues, usually both of us need to send him... One drives and waits whilst the other sends or fetches DS2.
anyway,now think back,i also don't really enjoy having meals wf DH.Last time yes,now no...coz he nid to entertain phone calls fr. his employee or MIL. -
buds:
Vinegar, don't let him pick anymore until no bones left. .
haha....indeed......no bone oredi...left skin...hehe...
now before serving his dinner,i always say,\"if too much rice/vege,then leave it there,i can eat tmr.\"
my DH does help out in housework.But i try to reject his help,coz i worry he tired,accusing me of not being supportive or later he keeps complaining. -
vinegar:
I never reject when DH offer to help with housework. In fact, I will only be too happy. :rahrah:buds:
Vinegar, don't let him pick anymore until no bones left. .
haha....indeed......no bone oredi...left skin...hehe...
now before serving his dinner,i always say,\"if too much rice/vege,then leave it there,i can eat tmr.\"
my DH does help out in housework.But i try to reject his help,coz i worry he tired,accusing me of not being supportive or later he keeps complaining. -
Yes. Never reject when your spouse wants to chip in. He is trying to \"support\" you by offering. Let him. This way you will feel supported and your load lightened. He gets to show you that as a hubby he is trying to be involved.
@ vinegar... i find that your case is more a communication problem more than anything. Because you have allowed the bone to be picked on far too long, you have resigned to what you think is your destiny. You have to think positive if you want to get out of the rut and of course you have to try something (or everything) if you truly want your relationship with your DH to improve over the course of the coming weeks and months and hopefully over the years as husband and wife. If you let it be how it is now status quo and accept your fate like it's jinxed then no matter who advises you or who tries to help you... it will never work because you are not open to actually solving the issues at hand. It will always be just ranting. Improve your quality of life. Try. Life is too short to throw it away just like that. Life can be better if you push forward positively. No one in this thread has not gone through rough times with our hubbies. Myself included. In fact, I should've got to know ammonite earlier so i would be privy to her pan idea.
I may have saved myself a couple of years of anguish and lost youth. But oh well... it's all done now and i cannot look back in regret. The only way is forward since this is still the man i chose to be with despite having a choice to get out. This time though i think i need to stock up on more pans. Is there a sale for pans this March hols?
:rubhands: -
vinegar:
You can also bring lunch to your DH (to his office) since cannot make time for it during other times. Can eat together in his office, not out in fancy restaurant or anything but still eat together mah.buds,
thks for offering help.For me,it is not the matter of having more time for myself,it is more of having more time wf my DH.
i can sneak out 1 or 2hours to do quick shopping or exercise when kid out for tuition.
but having meal wf DH is out of question coz no caregiver n DH not keen.
Share a secret with u.. I recall last time before i married hubs, ex-bf would cook fried rice and have it wrapped up nicely together with note for me left at the office. There were occasions where he'd place a stalk of flower too. I can be too busy preparing stuff sometimes that i just didn't wanna go out. Would tell him i packed sandwiches in preparation for a busy day. My boss would either take it up to my classroom like special delivery or page me to come down and they'd tease me to no end abt it. I love that boss, so motherly and super understanding. Sometimes they get little treats too.. since he got to bypass them to get the food to me.
Hokay.. all said and done though.. if your DH still doesn't actually fancy lunching with you at all, despite the efforts you put in.. i really have nothing to say. :sad:
Need 2 hands to clap. -
KSmom8:
KSmom8, i like to think that i try my best and hope that my best is good enough. I don't know if i can speak on behalf of all sahms but we are happy as long as we are loved and appreciated for the work we do around the house, the kids, the ILs and of course the big kid. Whatever else we get from our sahm arrangements are extras... like when buds_hubs was forced to take over the laundry cos i didn't want to do it no more (i mean all i ever do is housework? bbbuut it never ends!) to the point that now he's so auto with it we have more time for the kids or for each other and other time for ourselves like... for him to watch bola or me to surf. How i gao tim is by working my time around the children.. daily menu (ideas) done in my head.. volume processing of ingredients used to cook prepared in advance.. etc etc.. apart from all the nitty gritties, i suppose i am so used to intermittent sleep from breastfeeding and from being the insomniac since school days, i survive on little sleep and i'm ok. I am not a coffee person. If i drink coffee it might keep me up for days mebbe. :nailbite:This is my 2nd time as a SAHM.
My first time as a SAHM was when DS1 was a baby/ toddler. I was the bao ka liao mum, did all the housework, cooking and even took DS1 on walks to the supermarket / zoo / parks almost everyday. It was satisfying to be present to watch DS1 walk and talk, and even to sit for 1 hour plus to feed him ( though frustrating most of time ). But I was sooo tired and gave up as a SAHM.
Buds, it's still amazing to me that you can gao tim everything with 4 kids!!!
When DS2 came along, I knew I couldn't do it all as a SAHM. The maid does the housework and I don't try to cook every meal. Once every few weeks, I take a break and have lunch / tea with friends. My mum helps babysit or I do it when the kids are in school.
Not everyone enjoys being sahm for varying reasons but it's ok. We are what we are. There is no right and wrong. Some of us were never the domesticated cats type.. some of us are.. Others may thrive under pressure and there will be others who can't multi-task.. A few may be able to take it easy close one or two eyes but some seek daily perfection.. We may have some amongst us who are selfless and all sacrificial but like it that way.. Even if there are amongst us as well who don't want to do it all because we don't see it as our way of life in the long run... it is all ay okay.. No right and wrong. We do what we do in whatever ways we can and if we have tried our best. Our best should be good enough.
Your household your rules.. own time.. own target.
As for the lazy ones... well, you know who you are too.
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