Spouse or Kids? Which comes first?

[autumnbronze]

This is really really a tough question. I resisted answering this for a while because I wanted to sit on it.


Then I came to this conclusion ... finally.

I want the best for my DS. I can shower him with all the love in the world, but if I neglect my DH, he will be unhappy, which in turn will make me unhappy, which in turn will affect the way I treat my DS, which in turn will make him unhappy.

It has to take two in order for my DS to thrive in a positive environment. Hence, I decided that DH has to come first. I make him happy, he makes me happy, he makes DS happy, I make DS happy, DS is happy and I will in turn again be happy.

Does that make sense?? :?

Ultimately, I just want my DS to be happy always. That cannot happen if DH and DW are not happy together.

Just my 2 cents worth of personal opinion....

[schweppes]

This is an interesting question to answer. Whilst I agree with many of the mommy posts who said that their kids come first, I do agree with Autumnbronze that our DH is important to us as well.


I love my children to bits and will do anything reasonably possible for them within my means and ability. On the other hand, my DH is important to me as well. If my kids come first all the time and I neglect him, then that's not what a good marriage and the foundation of a good family should be built upon.

IMO, the cornerstone and core of a strong family foundation is the love, stability and trust between husband and wife. And on that strong foundation, that's where we build our family and to love and nurture our children as all parents would and should.

So, to keep the balance between DH and children, for me, it depends on the situation or circumstance. Maybe you can call it \"taking turns\". I tell my family that there's only one of me and they have to share me.

On some days/ occasions, the children will come first, and on other days/ occasions, then DH will come first. So no one gets neglected.

BUT, even as a mother and wife, one must not forget that we are our own person too.

In other words, DON'T FORGET about taking care of yourself and that there are days where YOU should come first. I realise that I need to take care of myself too and have my own ME time. Because when you take care of yourself, you can take better care of your family too.

Just my humble opinion... :love:

[autumnbronze]

schweppes:

This is an interesting question to answer. Whilst I agree with many of the mommy posts who said that their kids come first, I do agree with Autumnbronze that our DH is important to us as well.


I love my children to bits and will do anything reasonably possible for them within my means and ability. On the other hand, my DH is important to me as well. If my kids come first all the time and I neglect him, then that's not what a good marriage and the foundation of a good family should be built upon.

IMO, the cornerstone and core of a strong family foundation is the love, stability and trust between husband and wife. And on that strong foundation, that's where we build our family and to love and nurture our children as all parents would and should.

So, to keep the balance between DH and children, for me, it depends on the situation or circumstance. Maybe you can call it \"taking turns\". I tell my family that there's only one of me and they have to share me.

On some days/ occasions, the children will come first, and on other days/ occasions, then DH will come first. So no one gets neglected.

BUT, even as a mother and wife, one must not forget that we are our own person too.

In other words, DON'T FORGET about taking care of yourself and that there are days where YOU should come first. I realise that I need to take care of myself too and have my own ME time. Because when you take care of yourself, you can take better care of your family too.

Just my humble opinion... :love:

Ahhhh Schweppes,

You have put it so beautifully succintly

Basically, SPOT On, in my opinion .....

Thank you for expressing it so clearly and logically. This has taught me not to KPO ard the site at ungodly hours in the morn in my tired but not sleepy state

Obviously, from this I SO totally agree with you ....

[schweppes]

haha... thanks Autumnbronze. :lol:

[schweppes]

KopiYing:

I notice that some or most of my friends, after having babies, they still have couple time. They put their kids with their parents or in laws and spend quality time with their spouses. In fact i really envy them coz I have no one to put my toddler. And it's impossible to leave him with the maid and hubby & I spend time outside...


Is it really that important to have couple time? What if I dont have the priviledge? Will our relationship turn bad?

My second child is arriving soon and couple time is totally out of the question! Sigh....I really envy those who could watch movie, have a nice dinner together.

Hi KopiYing
I know how you feel. I envy my friends and my brother for having couple time with their spouses. Even my bro will park his kid with my parents whilst he and his wife go out on dates.

Unfortunately I do not have that privilege. My parents will say that they are tired or unwell if I say I want to leave my kids at their place overnight. Also, I never had a maid. I send my kids to childcare (when they were younger) and now that they are older, they only go to my parents' place after school. Maybe that's why my parents are not keen to help look after my kids at night (even if it's for one night) as they look after them in the day.

Yes, I do agree that couple time can be quite difficult - especially with baby on the way. Who has time to think \"romance\" when you are so, so, so tired and have to worry about night feeds, diaper change and body aches. Have been through that all, and I know how you feel.

Guess there is a time and place for everything. In this instance, the kids will come first as they are young and really needs mommy's attention.

So, where possible, steal a moment with your DH. Couple time need not mean going out. It can be a quiet moment over dinner or supper, or watching some mindless TV show or rented DVD movie together - if you can still keep your eyes open by then.

hquek:

Anyway, perhaps for now, you may have to endure the lack of couple time a bit. But take sometime, just sit with him after the kids have gone to bed. Any min is better than none at all.

Agree with hquek that you can find pockets of couple time...

It will get better when the kids are older. Now, that our kids are older (10 and 12yo), sometimes we leave them at home (they are happy to stay home alone now - their sense of independence), both DH and myself will go out for maybe 2 hours - the reason is to run errands and buy grocery but we steal some time at Starbucks or even the kopitiam and we are happy with what little we can get. Not quite \"date night\", but hey, some time out together better than none at all.

Just want you to know that you are not alone. Take care. :love:

[KopiYing]

Hi schweppes


Hey thanks for responding

Yup, like what u said, this is the itinial stage. Kids will grow eventually and hopefully can rekindle the flame :lol: Our couple time now is chatting after baby has slept, though sometimes hubby said he wanna koon liao. Ha! But it's good to talk abt everything & anything.

We had a few hrs of couple time last week after I had my checkup coz maid was at neighbour's hse & son in childcare. Though time is short we really cherish it and I really enjoyed the steak lunch :love:

[mummyjoyce]

One of my colleague told me this : wife/hubby is freehold and children are leasehold.

Thus both are impt and should not negelect spouse.

[schweppes]

KopiYing:

Hi schweppes


Hey thanks for responding

Yup, like what u said, this is the itinial stage. Kids will grow eventually and hopefully can rekindle the flame :lol: Our couple time now is chatting after baby has slept, though sometimes hubby said he wanna koon liao. Ha! But it's good to talk abt everything & anything.

We had a few hrs of couple time last week after I had my checkup coz maid was at neighbour's hse & son in childcare. Though time is short we really cherish it and I really enjoyed the steak lunch :love:

Most welcome, KopiYing :grphug: :lol:

[kiddo]

Enjoy reading all your post in this thread - very enlightening and cheery exchange


Hubby and me know who should come first -DS always come first being the only child - hubby knows it and he encouraged it because he knows I will flip if anything happen to DS. Maybe because we have DS very late in the marriage.

The first 6 years was tough when the boy was young but we manage and it get better- we have less or no couple time then.

DH will soon take centre stage because at the end of the day DH will be the one that hold your hand. It started to \"dawn\" on me as boy goes into sec school.

[janet88]

This thread is really interesting.

Children are leasehold, but that doesn’t mean that the spouse can be forgotten just because he/she is freehold.

My hubby and I do not have much couple time since the kids arrived - son is 10, daughter is 5+. Our time revolves around them. I am a SAHM, and it’s stressful facing them all the time. But the strange thing is when I am away from them, I miss the kids very much.