2010 PSLE English
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mine is i wrote she was a con woman that had just been released from prison but she was unwilling to turn over a new leaf and started cheating people again. Thus the police were after her again.
DD of sesame -
wad bout sythesis regardless of where she/elsa goes, elsa/she always brings her handphone with her
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wad is synthesis the question on elsa
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snowman.697:
it's not out of point, for compo, u must build up suspence and make it exciting. To excite the reader, the writer must make a twist so that the reader can have a touching/emotional feeling at the ending. Think positive, not negative.
What? out of point!flametree:
i chose number 3 for compo. i wrote that the granny sat besides at bus stop. boarded bus tog. bus was jam packed but i got a seat but refused to let granny sit coz i was dead tired. suddenly bus jammed brake and she lost her grip and flew out of the bus's windscreen and died on the road. i became a \"murderer\".
flametree DS
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CVPSMASH:
Urm on average I would say a 30?[/quote]
I would give it a 30-31. How much do you usually score in school?yongjianrong:
[quote=\"CVPSMASH\"]For Compo,I chose question 3.
That's my compo.
The class was yawning away as the lesson, in the teacher's monotonous tone began to pall on us all. \"Ring!\" The school bell rang to signal the end of school. I sat bolt upright, just like all my other bleary-eyed classmates, waiting impatiently for the teacher's signal to dismiss us. When he did,we sprang up from our seats and rushed out of the school.
\"Jane!\" my friends, Amelia and Eunice called out for me.\"Hello!\" I shouted back waving at them. Together, we walked to the bus stop. The wait for the bus seemed like eternity. Suddenly, a sallow nondescript elderly woman staggered towards us. Concerned, I rushed over to support her. \"Are you alright?\" I asked politely. \"I... I have been robbed! The ... the robber pushed me and I fell, my legs hurt badly...\" she sobbed uncontrollably.
I was stunned. My instincts nudged me that we should report the robbery. We advised the elderly woman, \"We think that you should report the incident to the police. We will accompany you there.\" She assented feebly, apparently still badly-shaken by the robber. On our way to the police station, we supported, consoled and commiserate with her.
When we reached the police station, the elderly woman was asked to give a statement. After that she thanked us profusely. The police officer also praised us for giving her the right advice. Embarrassed from the compliment, I smiled sheepishly.The police officer then informed the elderly woman's son to pick her up.
Knowing that she would be well-taken care of, we left and headed back to the bus stop. Our feet seemed to have wheels. I also noticed that there was glint of joy in my friends' eyes. At the same time, I could not help but beamed with pride as we had done a good deed.
Wondering how much I would get?
:?:
How about 28/40? -
I disagree that just coz a compo has a twist it means that it is a great piece of work. Sometimes, writing a twist for the sake of the twist makes the story bland and boring, if u know what I mean. In content, to score 18-20 marks, one must be sure to include ample ideas which are fully developed. Also, if u keep on developing suspence and puking out all the phrases that u rot learnt, the marker will get fed up. You should vary the mood through out the story to make sure the story is not a drag.
Juz my 2 cents worth.
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dericklee:
Beauty Queen--> Erm, its ok, i guess. u added in some ''outside knowledge'' and that is good. it's not out of point, but i guess it score well. Anyway, it's not funny.
Hahabeauty queen:
my was she was chased by loan shark syndicate group and the extreme suns heat made her dehydrated and parched cauing her to walk unsteadily. I try stop that gy go stab my back and also my friends and slah old lady throat. I wake up smelling a familiar scent look around but was total darkness. Hear my mother sobbing. Ask her waht happen to friends. They die, and i lose my eyesight due to a hitting somewhere in the backbone which causes eyesight to be lost(got read somewheree before) then say i will think my own eyes will return if justice is served.
Described it using alot of phrases. If this ok.....? Really out of point but quite funny. Did u really write this?
I write mine lose her precious jewels so faint of shock. Friends & I find Jewels. Give us some. We very rich. Very happy . I think quite gd compo.
Derick Lee--> ur story is seriously out of point, not to demoralise u, but just to say, an old woman who lost maybe alot of $$$ worth of jeweries would not one day go to a bus stop, walking towards a teenager/boy/girl, bending down like as if she is very old. image that. I think in reality, that would happen in 1 in a trillion. -
the kiasu student:
Beauty Queen--> Erm, its ok, i guess. u added in some ''outside knowledge'' and that is good. it's not out of point, but i guess it score well. Anyway, it's not funny.
Hahadericklee:
[quote=\"beauty queen\"]my was she was chased by loan shark syndicate group and the extreme suns heat made her dehydrated and parched cauing her to walk unsteadily. I try stop that gy go stab my back and also my friends and slah old lady throat. I wake up smelling a familiar scent look around but was total darkness. Hear my mother sobbing. Ask her waht happen to friends. They die, and i lose my eyesight due to a hitting somewhere in the backbone which causes eyesight to be lost(got read somewheree before) then say i will think my own eyes will return if justice is served.
Described it using alot of phrases. If this ok.....? Really out of point but quite funny. Did u really write this?
I write mine lose her precious jewels so faint of shock. Friends & I find Jewels. Give us some. We very rich. Very happy . I think quite gd compo.
Derick Lee--> ur story is seriously out of point, not to demoralise u, but just to say, an old woman who lost maybe alot of $$$ worth of jeweries would not one day go to a bus stop, walking towards a teenager/boy/girl, bending down like as if she is very old. image that. I think in reality, that would happen in 1 in a trillion.[/quote]
Hi,
Why not?
The old woman had alighted from a bus some time ago. When she reached home, she realised that she had lost her valuable. She believed she might have lost it between the bus stop and home. So she was walking towards the bus stop...................
Can or not ? -
Jojothehusky:
Mine is I say that got robbers rob the granny money, ask my friends and I to help. One friends say we too young, should call police. But another friend ignored. Went to find robbers(granny told us which direction the robbers went). My friend that suggested call police still did so as she did not feel safe. The friend that ignored demanded to the robbers to hand money over when she spotted them. Robbers never give money back but started chasing us with knives. My friend who ignored kenna stabbed. The police then arrived. They split into 2 groups one go and find robbers(as they go away earlier on) the other went to attend to my friend that kenna stabbed. But too late my friend stopped coughing(that means die liao). Every one shocked. Granny kept on saying that her fault. We assured her that it wasn't. I also got say I will nver forget this day. Even though robbers caught liao but I still feel angry whenever I see robbers be it on TV or whatsoever. I still got say I want to become police next time.
Hi,
I see you exercising vigorously. You are dead serious you want to become a policeman. Wait kenna stab ok?
Just for a laugh! -
snowman.697:
You actually memorised the compo?
I've edited it for you
The sun was shining mercilessly with its blazing rays,casting short distinct shadows on the pavement. I was walking to the bus stop with my friends, Sue and Susan. When we reached the bus stop, we waited patiently for the bus to arrive. While I was waiting, an elderly woman, who was walking unsteadily, walked towards me.
'May I know how get to Northpoint Shopping Mall?' she asked me.
'First, you cross the road, then turn right and then left.' I replied in a polite manner.
Upon hearing what I had told her, she walked away ungainly.
Suddenly, a deafening crash filled the air. It was such a terrible symphony that even the deaf Beethoven would be able to hear. Loud piercing screams could be heard too. Anxiety charged through my veins and beads of perspiration trickled down my pale and sallow face.
'Is it an accident?' I thought to myself as wild thoughts raced through my mind. Out of the blue, an explosion reverberated from the car. When I looked over my shoulder, I saw the most horrendous sight I had ever seen. A blue car had knocked down the elderly woman whom I had just spoken to a while ago and had then collided into a big oak tree. My friends and I stood rooted to the ground petrified, with eyes and mouth gaped widely. The car was engulfed in flames. The glass panels of the car were shattered into smithereens. Some of them were stained with blood which made them gleam like rubies under the sunlight.The metal parts of the car were dented due to the sheer impact. After I had regained my composure, I promptly whipped out my phone and dialed the number '999' while one of my friends, Sue called for an ambulance. The scene was soon crowded with onlookers.
Within minutes, wail of sirens could be heard from a distance. Soon, an ambulance and a police car arrived at the scene. Without a moment of delay, the rescue team sprang into actions. Paramedics rendered medical assistance to all the victims while the police condoned off the area. Some of the policemen asked for statements from witnesses while the rest of the policemen investigated the cause of the explosion -> Isn't that obvious?.however, they left no stone unturned.
Luckily,the driver was not seriously injured as he managed to scamper out of the car in the nick of time. However, the elderly woman was very seriously injured and had to be hospitalised for further observation and treatments. Unfortunately, some passers-by were also hurt because of the blast or by flying debris from the car. After the victims who were seriously injured were sent to the hospital, the car was pulled upright by a lorry crane sent by a logistics company while the workers were busily clearing up the wreckage. After what seemed like an eternity, the police finally found out what had exactly caused the explosion. Petrol had leaked from the car's fuel tank and ignited upon impact.
Together with my friends, we continued to wait for the bus to arrive. Every detail of this incident would forever be etched in my mind.
Comments
- Subj verb agreement
- Bad sentence structure
- Dialogue needs new paragraph
- Good use of phrases
- Friends?
Content - 14 (I originally gave 17 but you only talked about what YOU did, and your friends did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, so it does not answer one of the points)
Language - 16
Total - 30/40
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