In-law problems?

[winth]

pretty pls…

[MMM]

We are staying with pils since we got married. It's my 10th year bet I survived it


Frankly despite staying together for 10 yrs, I rarely speak to my mil. We've a maid so we do not have housework stuff to argue about. When we used to stay in a 3 bedrm and before having kids, I would go straight to the room when I reach home. I rarely sit around in the living room,etc... bet we are self-sufficient in our own room. Friends were amused that I don't know how to operate our TV in the living room (bet you can guess how often I use it). My mil is alittle deaf on one ear and sometimes talking to her would means \"shouting\". Also, she is not the type of auntie who got alot of things (eg. my mum) to say and I am not particularly \"sociable\" so end up nothing to say to each other. Look on the bright side, since we don't communciate much, there's probably lesser conflict. Though there are angry moments, eg. I like to shop when I travel for work so naturally I would end up buying alot of stuff for the kids (eg. clothes). My mil once commented to my ex-maid that why should I waste $ on clothes might as well keep $. My ex-maid related this to my mum. She has always been a housewife and I feel that she is under the impression that probably the $ comes from my hubby??? Which my mum know that I am financial independent, don't need a single cent from her son and instead I am helping her son to support the house, car, kids education, etc... But I subscribe to the chinese culture and firmly believe in harmonious family so I just let the matter rest.

Meanwhile for my fil, he is a retiree, shares watching everyday. I recalled the 1st few times I visited their place, he looked at me from head to toe (really glaring type). Just like what happened on TV (can't imagine it's happening to me :? ). My hubby is their only son and they have 4 daughters. So he had to be doubly sure his future dil is ok. Outsiders view him as a very fussy and difficult to get along person (eg. my housing agent auntie who met him when she was helping us with our unit rental). She told my father's eldest sister (my da gu) that she wonder how I got along with my fil. He is fussy, straightforward and can sound blunt/ offensive if you don't know him). But I think I prefer this type of character as very transparent. My mil is \"everything OK\" but in fact, I don't think she is the really \"everything OK\" type. So naturally I prefer my fil more. While we were doing renovation of our current house that lasted 1 yr, we had alot of opportunity to interact. Fortunately, we survived that with minimal conflicts since there are times when we had different ideas. Fortunately hubby and me are very much align so we take a utd stand. Besides I can tell that my fil respect me and treats me well. I gather that he understands that I am also earning a reasonable income and \"not sponging\" on his son. I am supporting the family, kids,etc... and also when it comes to kids' education, it's obvious that I'm more hardworking while his son takes it easy.

Meanwhile for my 4 sils, they are the type who don't mind other people's business so we got along fine. However, my youngest sil used to stay with us when we first got married (for around 3 yrs). She is same age as me. I am already introvert but she is worst! Under the same roof, but we don't talk. Fortunately she got married. We are ok just that she is the quiet type. However, I do get along fine with his 3 other sisters esp his eldest sis (10 yrs my snr) lives opposite our unit before we shifted. Though she is the da jie, she rarely come and interrupt in our house stuff. I am sure my mil will have complained to her abt me but so long I don't hear it, I don't care.

I think one must be easy going and not take everything too hard inorder to live together as a family. Sometimes just got to close one eye otherwise you will feel very miserable if everything also gets on your nerve. As I grow older, I appreciate that we are actually staying together and can take care of each other. I didn't have such thots when I was younger. Somehow I think it would be nice to stay with the kids when we are old as well but I wonder abt staying with my dil :roll:

[buds]

[quote]But one thing I know I'm very lucky is that I don't stay with them, bec if I had, maybe I had already :stupid: liao.[/quote]
Yes, winth.
You ARE very lucky!



Let's start with this liner.



My IL's UNDER ONE ROOF with us..
:faint:

[jawcee74]

I think i agree not to see each other so often, maybe like once a month or durring CNY, Family get together or kids birthday. I am lucky not to stay with PILS anymore as they are \"rather\" hard to handle especial my MIL is a total control freak! Any issues also want to take a hand on it.


I have bad experience with MIL when my child went into hospital due to her non profession care. :stupid:

[winth]

My SIL never realises how it felt to be married, had to tend to 3 families - ours, my parents and my ILs, or how tiring it was to be tending for 2 children and still have the energy to go over to their house early for dinner or even go for family outings together.


So her comments were always crude:
- why are you all always so late for dinner? I'm so hungry! (children wake up at 5pm, we rushed there liao, but reach only at 6)
- don't understand why you want to stop at 1? Don't know how to take care is it? (that time DS2 isn't born yet, for we had planned for a 4 year gap)
- how come your tastes so obiang (out-dated) one? Buy such childish tops? (well, personally, I felt that her taste is really auntie, I'm serious) And anyway, her bf (now husband) bought the exact same design and colour when he went to Taiwan and now they wear the same top as we did, but she didn't say obiang leh
- dasao, bec you sit beside me (when we playing black jack), now all my cards are losing cards. I was like wa lao... tat was the last year I ever played black jack with her family relatives
- last CNY, she refused to come wish us 'Happy New Year' and refused to take ang pow from her bro. Dunno why, siao cha bor. DH had to offer to her and shake her hand while she black face in front of us.

She will like greet her brother 'kor' and though I'm at the gate with hubby, she will still greet only 'kor'. So now, to make myself feel less miserable, I will walk alot slower than DH so that when it's time she greets, I won't feel so bad bec I am not around.

It feels terrible bec I'm really feel like I'm invisible and that SIL of mine gets her way with so little 教养. Once, after work, I saw her along the MRT platform. While I had wished I didn't see her, but bec I saw her, had to greet right. So I said, 'Hi, hello!'. She then said, 'Aiyoh, 吓死我!' with the action patting her heart like she almost suffered heart attack. I was like :shock:

When my DS1 was born, my MIL wanted to take care of DS1. Luckily I stopped it, and told them that I will stay home to take care bec I witness how careless she handled my niece. My niece (born 3 months earlier than DS1) was taken care of by my MIL, stomachache and dihorrea every week. Found out from my cousin-in-law that my MIL was feeding coarse rice porridge to her when she was only 2 months old. And my SIL, never failed to complain about how late my cousin-in-law came to fetch the niece, then few days later, complained that cousin-in-law came so early without warning to fetch niece. I was like heng ah... if not like that also kanna complained liao.

[jedamum]

jawcee74:

I think i agree not to see each other so often, maybe like once a month or durring CNY, Family get together or kids birthday.

How will we as parents feel if our kids only visited us once a month or during CNY and other special occasions only?

[schellen]

jedamum:

jawcee74:

I think i agree not to see each other so often, maybe like once a month or durring CNY, Family get together or kids birthday.

How will we as parents feel if our kids only visited us once a month or during CNY and other special occasions only?

Well, if we want our kids to visit us more often, then we must welcome them and their families. If not, I doubt they will want to come just to hear us scold and complain about them. If I were them, I would definitely not want to visit.

[winth]

[quote]Well, if we want our kids to visit us more often, then we must welcome them and their families. If not, I doubt they will want to come just to hear us scold and complain about them. If I were them, I would definitely not want to visit.[/quote]
Agreed!

If they just treat me (and my parents) like human, I would definitely try to do my part bec I know I will become MIL too, since I have 2 sons.

We used to visit them Saturdays and Sundays, until my husband himself said, STOP. Cannot tahan. Bec when he's there, he will need to sit for hours to hear complaints about 'price of fish', 'problems with my FIL (got affair)', 'problems with my BIL (juvenile problems - now got court case)', 'house got leaking problem', 'no money', endless issues.

I used to participate by hearing out their problems and offering advice to my MIL, but somehow she give that kind of face that 'I don't wish to hear'. Even when my hubby offered advise, she will attack him back that the problems now are not fault of hers. But well, it's clearer than water where the problems lie.

[winth]

[quote]I tend to use age as a guide as to how to treat in laws. If they are still young and healthy, then maybe can don't visit that regularly (when they are young and healthy, usually it will also mean you and husband are still young and more 'immatured' in a way = more conflicts). When they are getting old and more frail = you are also getting older and wiser = lesser conflicts = the visits have to be more regular... [/quote]
I did tell DH that we will DEFINITELY take care of our parents' old age. When they dun have shelter, we will offer, when they no longer can take care of themselves, we will shoulder it, for we are both eldest of our siblings.

But now, bec parents still very healthy and young. MIL still got loads of energy to complain, so now not the best time to do all the above.

[buds]

[quote]....... \"rather\" hard to handle, especially my MIL is a total control freak! Any issues also want to take a hand on it. [/quote]
Oooh...
I so dig this one jawcee74.
My experience was post-delivery.
My daughter was born pre-mature
and mighty small. Developed quite
severe jaundice. Had to upgrade
from one blue flourescent light to
double blue lights...

I kept travelling to the hospital every
single day to ensure she was receiving
and responding well to treatment under
the light. I was very afraid, that if the
jaundice deteriorated, she might need
a blood transfusion or worse - kidney
transplant. So, she must always be under
the light.

One fine day, rushing after post natal
massage care and stuff... went to the
hospital as usual fingers crossing the
day will be a better day... only to find,
my baby was GONE! As in not in her baby,
tray in the nursery under the blue light as
she always was! I panicked! I asked the
nurses where she was and they helped me
look.

Found her with baby near a communal sitting
area with other visitors of the hospital with
baby in her arms. Gawd, was i riled up.
Hubs was with me at that time and saw my
face change, i told him, YOU... go deal with
your mum... i can't do it right now. I went
straight to the head nurse.

First, i asked how baby was doing.
She said not too good, the bilirubin level was
at a consistent high and plus she must always
be under the blue light every minute of the day.
I asked her... why is baby not under the light then?

\"Oh, cos your mother came and insisted we bring the
baby out to her for awhile, so i thought since it was
your mum, its ok lah. But its been awhile now and
baby's return to the nursery as yet.. hope you can
help us bring her in, plus not good to put her out
there in air-con environment and with other visitors.\"

Duh..

I replied, \"Firstly, that's my MIL... and not my own mum
per se. Secondly, even i as the worried mummy missing
her daughter terribly.. hoping she'll get better everyday dun
even get her out of the blue light. I'll just talk to baby from
outside the tray, with minimal touches here and there, stroking
and humming.. Thirdly, i did not authorise anyone to remove my
baby from where she's supposed to be - and my own parents know
that, cos they are praying that with consistent treatment baby can
come home as soon as possible. With immediate effect, i do not allow
any visitors to bring baby out of the nursery other than my husband and
myself.\"

The following day - my daughter had to be placed in intensive care.
Reason being... not responding well to treatment in the ward nursery.
Hence, intensive monitoring is required by the special caregivers here.
Again, it was iterated - baby shud not leave blue light until doc gives the
go ahead, to shift to single blue light and later on totally without the blue
light and see how she does.

Tho, it was heartbreaking to see baby in intensive care together with
other terminally ill, disabled babies and highly pre-mature tinies... i
felt baby was better there. Cos no entry other than the immediate
parents. And not allowed to bring babies out of there. Period.

I have bad experience with MIL when my child went into hospital due to her non profession care. :stupid:[/quote]

I understand what you mean..

When baby was able to return home, i started to try nursing her.
Being a 1st time mum, i had some challenges getting baby to latch
on. At this, MIL retorted, the baby doesn't like your milk. Give her to
me, i'll do the feeding - with the bottle. You're starving the baby to death.
My poor grandchild.

Enuf drama?

NOOOO... got a lot.

And 10 yrs down the road now,
I'm still surviving.. Why? I slowly
tell, ok.