In-law problems?
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minnie2004:
Sorry minnie2004, but I feel a bit against this mentality. Your parents are his 'half parents' and grandparents to your kids. Thought we should still give some allowance whether they need it or not, it's a gesture of feel - they are not some distant uncle/auntie with whom there are no ties.Unlike you, my DH is not willing to support my parents at all as he thinks they're not his parents (despite the fact that I gave up my job for the sake of our kids). Sometime he would ask me where the money I sent my parents comes from, I tell him it's from my own investments. Since he knows I have a long-term stock portfolio which generates nice dividends, he can't say anything
Maybe due to the same blood flowing in their veins, his brother also has the same mentality - when his wife's parents' business was facing liquidity problems, he refused to help them despite having a high-flying career. His wife, on the other hand, can't help her own parents as she has no income being an SAHM, despite having a master's degree
Imagine if such persons only have gals. Next time, does it mean that once married, really out of the door? and your gals won't have to provide for parents?
My hubby will compare what I give to my parents vs what he give to his - but then I will remind him that they gave up their time and put in loads of effort to bring up our kids. He'll tiam tiam after that. -
Hi hquek,
My hubby knows that his parents will never be able nor willing to give up their time and effort for our kidsโฆin the first place, they just donโt bother. -
duriz:
Thanks a lot for your best wishes.qizai:
My own story:
Good to hear another side of the story in our ever-growing in-law saga/thread.
My best wishes to you and your DW, qizai.
Your fighting spirits are commendable.
Take good care of eachother and your children.
Sigh, her very own mother
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janet_lee88:
well, my mil is happy to help us on an adhoc basis (like if we need to dash out to do something) but will never stay at home and take care of kids. My own parents had to adjust their hours just so they can accomodate our timing (long story there).Hi hquek,
My hubby knows that his parents will never be able nor willing to give up their time and effort for our kids...in the first place, they just don't bother.
I would still expect my hubby and I to provide (even minimal sum) to both sets of parents - to the extent that we can afford.
Honestly, every house has neverending story and it's own intricacies, I'm just going from MY point of view with MY experiences which definitely does not apply to all. So anyone with negative experience, please do not take offence. -
hquek:
Sorry minnie2004, but I feel a bit against this mentality. Your parents are his 'half parents' and grandparents to your kids. Thought we should still give some allowance whether they need it or not, it's a gesture of feel - they are not some distant uncle/auntie with whom there are no ties.
I know, but some husbands (incl mine and his bro) don't think it that way, probably due to the bring-up by MIL . I'm sick and tired of arguing with him. Whoever is the breadwinner seems to speak louder :stupid:
Maybe I should post this in the SAHM thread to warn fellow sistas before taking the decision to quit their jobs :roll: -
minnie2004:
Hi minnie2004, yup, I know what you mean about concerned parents feeling worried and disappointed at their highly educated daughters becoming stay-at-home moms, especially those parents who have little or no education, who felt that education is the key to a better life.qizai:
All visits to their home on weekends are made to be guilt-invocation sessions, with words like \"Your dad worked so hard last time, it's all to give you a good education\" etc...
Hi qizai, I kind of understand where your PIL are coming from. After spending $$ on educating their daughters, they become SAHM earning nothing. Although for our generation, we don't expect our kids to support us when we are old, our parents' generation still has that kind of mentality. But I do agree they shouldn't have spent your hard-earned money for luxurious holidays with their youngest one.
My parents are also a bit disappointed when I quit my job to become an SAHM. They thought I've wasted all my education. It's not so much that they're scared I can't support them as I still send allowance to them every month, it's more that they feel I should have my own career instead of relying on my husband too much. They think men are not reliable.
Unlike you, my DH is not willing to support my parents at all as he thinks they're not his parents (despite the fact that I gave up my job for the sake of our kids). Sometime he would ask me where the money I sent my parents comes from, I tell him it's from my own investments. Since he knows I have a long-term stock portfolio which generates nice dividends, he can't say anything
Maybe due to the same blood flowing in their veins, his brother also has the same mentality - when his wife's parents' business was facing liquidity problems, he refused to help them despite having a high-flying career. His wife, on the other hand, can't help her own parents as she has no income being an SAHM, despite having a master's degree
Your parents had your interests at heart, because the issue of concern is about you, not them, like you said.
I can fully understand if my MIL is disappointed or worried, or even angry for a few months, at my wife's decision. But 7 years of wrath and emotional blackmail and still counting .... sigh...
On a positive note, I've learnt a lot about life, reflecting on this ๅฎถๅ saga.
What's life all about?
We all want love, happiness, respect, health and fruitful relationships.
Sometimes people like my MIL think that money is the key to happiness, and she is willing to sacrifice mother-daughter&son-in-law relationships on it. What's the point of having $1 million, but people shun you for good? And the only people that don't shun you makes you worried that they're there for the goodies you can hand out.
Are millionaires with estranged relationships necessarily happier?
Money is to me but a means to an end to make people I care about happy. That includes myself of course, but it's by no means only myself.
What's the point of going to conflict over $$ at the expense of relationships, if one can help it?
If I drop dead tomorrow (touch wood), all I care about is whether I have done enough for my family or not. -
minnie2004:
....... it's more that they feel I should have my own career instead of relying on my husband too much. They think men are not reliable.
qizai:
My daddie has similar thoughts, not so much about men not being reliableHi minnie2004, yup, I know what you mean about concerned parents feeling worried and disappointed at their highly educated daughters becoming stay-at-home moms, especially those parents who have little or no education, who felt that education is the key to a better life.
or me relying solely on my husband, but more to keeping myself socially
adaptable thoughout my marriage years and maintain my own financial
stability. But i chose to stay home since i couldn't get a reliable caregiver
after my 2nd daughter was born as my mom wasn't in the best of health.
Plus the children are mine. I do not want to burden my parents with the
burden of having to spend their retirement years taking care of children
all over again. Just thought they should spend time doing stuff they like,
travel the world, spend quality of life together, immerse themselves in
spiritual fulfilment..... in short to be able to enjoy their silver years to
the fullest.minnie2004:
I gave up my career because i wanted to........ Unlike you, my DH is not willing to support my parents at all as he thinks they're not his parents (despite the fact that I gave up my job for the sake of our kids).
I believed that i can provide the best care at that time of my life for
both my children. It wasn't easy but i learnt as i went along. No amount
of childcare experience truly prepared me for what motherhood really was
until of course when the children were of pre-school age.
Like other moms i too, learnt from trial and error... books... elders...
friends' experience... internet... (etc).
I have never really thought of it as quitting the work force so much for
the 'sake' of the kids... or for the family and so on. My husband's
sacrifice then on is to swap his role to being the only person
providing for the family, on top of providing for his family.
Hence, i do not really see it so much as a long term sacrificial act... even
if it reality, it is. I have friends who quit jobs for the sake of families and
when hell breaks loose it comes back in arguments as \"sacrificed soo
much for the family...\"
When it comes to sacrifice, i suppose one or the other would contribute
a small sacrifice anyhow either for personal benefit or family. Just that
the sacrifice may not be in exact context between us. But whatever it
is, it is meant for the happiness and well-being of our family how we
deem it to be.minnie2004:
You have good foresight dearie. :salute: Kudos........ Sometime he would ask me where the money I sent my parents comes from, I tell him it's from my own investments. Since he knows I have a long-term stock portfolio which generates nice dividends, he can't say anything
Plus it is a healthy &
positive note that you are not totally financially reliant on your husband.qizai:
Dear qizai, my husband shares similar sentiments as yourself. I on theIf I drop dead tomorrow (touch wood), all I care about is whether I have done enough for my family or not.
other hand, hope i have done enough to have raised my children well
to know that they can take care of themselves and one another... on
top of being emotionally, financially and spiritually prepared as well.
All we want is best for our families, regardless of how we are brought
up... our beliefs... our perspectives in life and regardless of the issues
we have to deal with every breaking day.
It is lovely to be able to share with one another here the different
perspectives of our lives so at least we do know there are people
out there and that being here... we are never alone. :hugs: -
hi qizai, itโs impressive and amazing how you are supporting your wife in all this, and how it is HER mum thatโs giving her grief.
I wish I am able to be SAHM - except that I wonโt last half a day (itโs awfully hard work to stay at home, way harder than working)
I agree with you. At the end of the day, it should be our kidsโ upbringing and happiness that is at stake. So what if one has $1M at end of day if their kids turn out wayward; I rather have $1 and see my kids do well in life than otherwise. -
qizai:
I fully empathize with your situation.
Thank you for understanding my feelings. :hugs:
Coming from a guy... and also a husband at that too... i am heartened
to know that there are more husbands out there who do understand
what wives have to go through... & have that sense of empathy for
their spouses. Truly heartening..qizai:
Yes, very true. Someone has to give in.I feel that in the name of family harmony, sometimes one has to give in..
But there are limits to everything.
The limit is your own sanity.
So while my husband gives in and entertains his family's whims...
I, on the other hand give in to him but the only thing that really
disrupts my sanity is the fact that unlike you, he NEVER empathizes
with what i have to go through for him and his family... not verbally..
not physically.. not emotionally. And to think i have been here FOR
him all this time. Any feedback from my part will be taken negatively
and taken as petty complains against his family.. i'm very sad each
time he accuses me of this. I don't understand why after all this
time, he doesn't see that i am just human and all i ask if for some
understanding and some compassion... humour me a bit if have to
or immerse me in even more love... but no... that's not the case
and so now i have stopped hoping.
10 years is too long to hope for a miracle. I have to make things happen
for myself to preserve my own sanity. The fact that i am like 5mths
pregnant now also doesn't seem to bear that much weight..
(with my ILs)qizai:
I see myself assertive but the point is my ILs have extremely strong personalitiesIt wouldn't help if one keeps on backing off, and the antagonizers only view this as weakness and an excuse to do it even more.
You probably need to assert yourself.
and if you as much as say a little something they always come back at you
with double the force and very quick too, plus on top of that they will deem
my retort as retaliation and a form of disrespect... and then it will spiral
again with the fact of how ill-bred i am. My parents are also like always
at the end of it all since they raised me.qizai:
I agree. All we need is some peace... definitely not all the never-ending crap.We gave $600 to them monthly even though it's financially hard on us in a single-income family.
We don't need gratitude, all we need is peace. But all we get is this shit.
$600 a month a sole income is a lot to give to your ILs. Does it mean you
also still give to your own parents as well a similar amount? Then, it IS
extremely taxing on you.
But at least you do give. Mine doesn't.
When i was still working up till my first child was about 2.5yrs old, i never
failed to give to my ILs as well and well i suppose that was too long ago
to recall to be appreciated. On top of that i give to my own parents as well.
I never forced hubs to give to mine cos i didn't want it to seem like i put a
gun behind his back to do so and then it would not be a sincere giving...
But he gives to his parents without fail during that time.qizai:
I was torn between trying to be the best juggler... best mom to my girls..My wife used to be guilt-stricken and torn between being a good mother and being a good daughter to the point of depression (She bore it all, and I bore it for her sake, even though I was a volcano wanting to erupt for years).
to being the best DIL i could and i had post-natal depression for my 1st
born. It was horrible. To make it worse hubs didn't believe in PND crap..
He just thought i was making it up.. MIL did nothing good except criticise
everything i did, from not having a bigger and longer nipple for my baby
to suckle properly... from having stale breast milk fed to her grandchild..
from poor parenting skills... sigh... you name it laa... i have heard it all. I
can never forget any of them. To which hubs always say, why can't i just
let go.qizai:
That's why after 10 yrs, though a little rusty... they are indeed still working. :evil:Sometimes if you don't flex your own nuclear warhead, people take you for a weakling and fire their Skud missiles at you everyday. Sometimes you need display of your own military might to keep the peace.
We had a brief run-in with MIL at a relatives house and the first thing she
did when she saw me, was roll her eyes at me. :whut: Under everyone's
watchful eyes this time, everyone told me to just concentrate on taking
good care of myself and my baby & try not to stress myself silly thinking
about her (which is truthfully a tad late laa..) but i appreciate their care,
concern and kind understanding. It is definitely felt even if not heard. :love:qizai:
That's why i posted a note of caution...I love peace, but I reckon a big fight is necessary in order to keep the peace. Irony, but applicable.
Hope that helps.
Beware of scalding. :evil: -
hquek:
hi qizai, it's impressive and amazing how you are supporting your wife in all this, and how it is HER mum that's giving her grief.
I fully agree with you hquek. :hi5:
It is highly impressive to note that this husband is a helluva support pillar
for his very fortunate wife. She is very very lucky to have you as her husband.
Ya, and some more she kena tekan from her own mother (his MIL).hquek:
Don't wish for something unknown! :!: It is VERY HARD work!I wish I am able to be SAHM - except that I won't last half a day (it's awfully hard work to stay at home, way harder than working)
It IS way harder than working. It is a 24-7 office you can't get out of
and not get leave from... provided your employer is very understanding. :lol:
Like they say, the grass ain't always greener on the other side.
Psst. I myself planning to make my appearance into the work force again.
There you are wishing to be be SAHM. :hugs: Well, we can't have it all
even if we wanted to, can we?
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