In-law problems?

[pecalis]

cwc:

Oh yes. Are you comfortable and will your FIL allow and be cooperative?
I did once had to wash/bath my FIL butts after he poo and stained all over the place cos MIL 'hide'. It felt terrible And generally, my FIL also resistant to have me help him when he goes to pee, think he also feels terrible. So it became a very difficult issue until we hired a helper. But then, getting a helper who is willing to wash/bathe for male may not be easy too.

Pecalis is right about drawing boundaries....MIL should be first choice. Do get their commitment to help out so that you won't be burnt out.

The 1st time my friend had to wash her mil when she couldn't control her bowels was a rather traumatic experience for her. Though she tried to put up a brave front, she told me she broke down and cried when she was out of the house. However, a a few episodes, both of them got used to it. Again, her mil was alert and very cooperative, though suffering great pain as her body just deteriorated day by day...

[janet88]

Hi Ladies,

MILs very biased and double-standard…when there are problems at home, they will say their daughters are married off or else there is this crap about them working and cannot take leave. But when there is FUN, they will include the daughters.

My hubby is not eldest son, but always at his mother, sister and brother’s beck and call for family nonsense. Should there be a day when caring for his parents come, I will not want to get involved bcos there is ONE eldest son around.

[chinchin]

Hi everybody,


Thanks for the advices.After reading all the postings I feel quite scare, not prepared to wash my FIL’s backside ha ha. Maybe should follow cwc footstep go back to work. Fil hospitalize now still have some times to think about it.

[janet88]

chinchin:

Hi everybody,


Thanks for the advices.After reading all the postings I feel quite scare, not prepared to wash my FIL's backside ha ha. Maybe should follow cwc footstep go back to work. Fil hospitalize now still have some times to think about it.

Hi chinchin,
Did you address your concerns to hubby ? Maybe you would like to tell him about this. After all, the BEST person to clean up FIL is MIL HERSELF.

[chinchin]

Hi janet,


Pil always quarrel not on good terms that why mil don’t want to take care.Hubby did suggest get a maid but who is paying?

[janet88]

chinchin:

Hi janet,


Pil always quarrel not on good terms that why mil don't want to take care.Hubby did suggest get a maid but who is paying?

Yeah, the bottom line is WHO is paying ? Besides, maid is not solution...they do choose jobs and employers esp now.
The other way is to ask your hubby to clean up his father.

[chinchin]

HA ha very good suggestion then he will understand.

[chinchin]

I think better start praying hard Hope god and doctors can perform miracles for me and my fil

[janet88]

chinchin:

HA ha very good suggestion then he will understand.

It's only right for him to clean up his OWN father...don't think his father will be comfortable having daughter-in-law clean and wash.

[dolphinsiah]

pecalis:

If your hubby is very filial, he'll probably want to take care of his father, since his mother brought this up. However, it's strange that your mil insists tt you take care of her husband - shouldn't she be the 1st choice? Your sil's children shouldn't be her priority. It seems tt she's just conveniently 'dumping' him to you, not your hubby since you'll be his main caregiver. However, if you are mentally prepared to help take care of your fil, then go ahead but must draw certain boundaries, like whether to employ a maid to help with household chores and caring for him. Bear in mind tt if he is very ill, you'll need to bath him (are you comfortable doing that? Or will a helper be less awkward?) What about the your sil and mil coming in over every weekends to take over so tt you can have a little break like couple time or even family time with your kids? It is very tiring and draining to take care of very ill or terminal patients. My friend's mil just passed away 2 weeks ago and I could see that the whole family is drained.

My hubby volunteered to take care of his mother when she had to undergo 4 mths of chemotherapy as my fil is not a good caregiver and my mil was really depressed at that diagnosis. Of course, it became my duty to take care of my mil (include bringing her for chemotherapy every 3 weeks and changing her stoma bag every few days) - however, she is great mil and a great patient, very cooperative and I gladly serve her. We did get a helper so as to relieve me of household chores, as I have 3 kids to take care of too, plus my hubby is outstation half the time. Her medical is taken care of by the govt but my hubby paid all other expenses. In fact, I have a single sil who is living alone and she should be the 1st person to volunteer to take care of her own mother but we don't know why she didn't volunteer. Anyway, my hubby, being filial, just did what was needed but he didn't dump the responsibility onto me. We discussed and agreed on this decision. Again, she is a great mil and is in remission for 3 yrs now:)

Pecalis ,

I think you are a great DIL...sending your MIL for chemo and changing her stoma bag.... :udawoman:
I know changing stoma bag needs a lot of efforts and very stressful...always worry about leakage... :scared:
Undergo all these when hubby was carrying a stoma bag.... :frustrated:

Reading all the posts about taking care of PIL ....make me feel very depress about how nowdays people treat relationship....everything very calculative.... :stupid:

I see myself growing old ...become ill no one to take care of me....
Because children no time ...no money....to care of me.... :siam:

But when children is ill , parents will rush to look after them...take leave....clean their poo...wash them up.... :grphug:

Old Age Parents nobody wants to look after.....
This is the current society....very realistic :shock:

I tell myself ...I must keep lots of $$$ , when old and unwell check into a nursing home....and wait to die....
Do not want to be a burden to the kids and society..... :gloomy:

Why this world is so cold and realistic....

Hubby lost his cancer battle several months ago....
Now learning to face the society as a WIDOW.... :?

So as a Widow , I must prepare to take care of myself when old and ill

Recently I read a lot of short writings buddishism view of life...

I learnt we should always learn not to be calculative....learn to let the others gain more than oneself...

It will be peace to your heart and good karma....