In-law problems?
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The Simz:
You own your person and are a voting adult? If you can decide what government you want in this country, you can decide where you want to pass the night, surely. It would be perfectly appropriate to nicely tell your PIL to his face that you would like to spend more time with your parents and have decided to stay at their place.Coolit & MMM
I overheard my hub talking to my fil and he insist that I stay at his place though my hub already reject the offer for me. Now I'm so worried that he will turn up in e airport and have a game of tussle with my mum. Their house has a vacant room now cos they just sent my grand mil to an old folks home. The grand mil is also another terror!
Does not that sound reasonable? -
Funz:
Nope... not at all. Everyone in the family has a right to a bit of love and consideration. It isn't a zero sum game. Just because we respect the elderly does not mean that the little ones must sacrifice. Everyone can get a bit of love.I will celebrate the birthdays and all even after the death of someone close. Will not be a big affair but celebration all the same. I don't think we should deprive a celebration of an event of someone who is alive and in this world with us just because someone died. I tend to think, all the more we should have these small celebrations and treasure them.
screwed view? -
Chenonceau:
Yup, agree with that. If you have already made your intentions clear to them, and they still turn up at the airport, just tell them you appreciate the trouble they have taken but you have already decided you will be staying at your mum's.
You own your person and are a voting adult? If you can decide what government you want in this country, you can decide where you want to pass the night, surely. It would be perfectly appropriate to nicely tell your PIL to his face that you would like to spend more time with your parents and have decided to stay at their place.The Simz:
Coolit & MMM
I overheard my hub talking to my fil and he insist that I stay at his place though my hub already reject the offer for me. Now I'm so worried that he will turn up in e airport and have a game of tussle with my mum. Their house has a vacant room now cos they just sent my grand mil to an old folks home. The grand mil is also another terror!
Does not that sound reasonable?
You will not be living with your ILs right? So can be a bit more firm with your stand since no need to see their face to pass the day.
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The Simz:
Double standard !!! Their own daughter can be close but tells daughter in law she is now married woman and don't bother with her family :mad:
Janet, Funz
Their married daughter, my elder sil, is very close to them. So I guess they are selective tradition. Those that benefit them, they said it tradition and those not beneficial, they said it's the modern world, no need to follow tradition.
Coolit & MMM
I overheard my hub talking to my fil and he insist that I stay at his place though my hub already reject the offer for me. Now I'm so worried that he will turn up in e airport and have a game of tussle with my mum.
The grand mil is also another terror! -
The Simz:
Hi The Simz,
Coolit & MMM
I overheard my hub talking to my fil and he insist that I stay at his place though my hub already reject the offer for me. Now I'm so worried that he will turn up in e airport and have a game of tussle with my mum. Their house has a vacant room now cos they just sent my grand mil to an old folks home. The grand mil is also another terror!
Maybe you could buy them some gift, give to them at the airport if they come
but stay firm, just say you have another place. You are not showing them
disrespect. You can thank them very nicely and show appreciation but since
you already made plans, you also cannot cancel. -
Chenonceau & Funz
Maybe you are right! Guess being a SAHM had robbed me off my courage and self esteem! I need to work!!!
Janet
Life isn’t fair, thats why all of us are gathered here to rant!
Coolit
Buy present? Good idea! Don’t know will i remember to pass it to them. Imagine the long flight with a tot and still have to control whatever emotions when I see them. So worried to face the whole clan, without my hubby, for a few weekends! -
In such situations, emotional control is very important. Mustn't let the other person get to you. People can be childish in how they try to get at you. But if you really think about it, there is really nothing worth fighting about. So, just ignore whatever is irritating but unimportant. Always stay very reasonable and logical, though frank and forthright. Most times, the truth hurts bad enough that how one says it should be very gentle. This way, over time, the in-laws learn that you will be as fair to them as you would like that they be fair to you. If you become emotional (because you're scared), you risk inflicting hurt on another and then the issue escalates.
Another trick I learnt is to raise the same issue repeatedly and gently to raise important issues. My in-laws are downgrading from a 5-room equivalent apartment to a 4-room equivalent apartment that I built for them within my own property. I did not think that they should bring their huge sofa set.
Everytime I raised the issue, she would tell me not to worry about it. From experience, I knew that she would go right ahead and bring her sofa, then find that it is too big, and then I would have to pay someone else to take it away. I raised the issue about 4 times before we successfully negotiated a good compromise. Raise the issue... back off. Raise the issue... back off. Raise the issue... back off.
This gives both parties the chance to cool off over a potentially contentious issue. It gives both parties a chance to think and to try and understand the other's perspective. This way, people don't get scared and overwrought and start digging stubbornly into their position. They're still willing to discuss. It turned out that mil wanted to move the sofa to give my sis-in-law a couch to sleep on when she comes back home for hols. So, I offered my own guest room, and all is now well. Phew!!
This said, I did throw a hissy fit once in 2 decades. It was a very memorable hissy fit, and I had every excuse to be angry. Mil had taken to whispering bad things about me to my kids. My kids kept telling me. I don't mind at all gossip about me by family and friends, but don't drag in the kids into adult politics. It was a hissy fit to remember. I refused to see or talk to her for weeks. When it all blew over, I noticed that she no longer tussled with me over my kids. I now own my kids. What I say concerning my kids' upbringing, goes.
If an issue is really important, I tend to push the limits of the relationships. Oft times, DIL are afraid of offending husband and in-laws etc... without realizing that things DO blow over, and if you choose your battles carefully (battles that defend a reasonable position) and win every one (BECAUSE they are reasonable and defendable) that you choose to fight, people will learn to leave you alone. I never allow myself to be provoked into a conflict (most things that happen in families are peanuts anyway). Some people will do that just to feel good. If I choose to engage, it is because I have a reasonable position that is defendable and fair to all parties. And there are also times when I apologise sincerely.
The right to choose where you spend the night is imminently defendable. -
All along my mum look down on my husband. now she found another issue to look down on him & that is just because he doesnt have a licence & doesnt own a car. she even went around telling my relatives how inconvenient it is for us not to ve a car since we ve 2 young kids. sometimes when she wants to plan a dinner together, she always say aiya yr husband dun ve car, or else can go here/there eat.(my bro has a car , so wat?) i always reply i can take taxi wa, more convenient. sometimes even my aunties come & ask me y my husband doesnt want to learn driving. But when they ask & ask, i really dun want to reply them anymore. so irritating.
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The Simz:
What to do ? The best thing to do is to avoid them...easier said than done but no choice. We need to keep our sanity.Janet
Life isn't fair, thats why all of us are gathered here to rant! -
I have over time adopted this stance. No need to argue with them, no need to be rude, no need to avoid them like a plague. Do my due diligence as a DIL, visit them, look after them when they are sick, celebrate their birthdays with them, let them totally dote on kiddos, accept whatever stuff they buy for us even if we don’t use them at all. When they nag or give well meaning advise that does not interfere with how I run things at home, just nod and say ok. I let all the barbed comments just slide off me, I take whatever they say at face value and not show that I understand any of the ‘in-between-the-lines’.
I think I am rather thick skinned loh. So I can ignore a lot of nonsense. And really after so many years, to a certain extent I can understand why they are the way they are.
It helps that DH is not that super duper close to them though he does at times feel a lot of guilt towards them and may over compensate during those times. We don’t live with them so that couple of hours here and there, doesn’t affect me that much anymore.
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