In-law problems?
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Angelight:
Teehee! Actually hor... I still fear sometimes. I don't think the apprehension ever really goes away. One can try, but will never be perfect.Chenonceau:
Gentleness is a woman's strength. If we are not afraid, we can afford to be gentle. When one fears, one tends to be emotional and in being emotional, to do others violence.
So so true...and such wise saying, Chenonceau! -
My first post in this thread.
I also have in law problem to share and lately the problem is getting out of hand. My MIL is staying with me for about 3 years (ever since my DS goes to P1). We give her the authority to mend the kitchen as she like to cook and i personally feel that what she actually want is the authority to mend the whole household including how to handle my kids. She always feel that what i done (in term of upbringing the kids and household) always on the wrong side. Complaint to my kids numerous of times. Lately she is bringing my SIL into our family problems. Ex: MIL find that the chinese physician that we bring our kids to is no good, she will ask my SIL to talk to me and on other occasion, when MIL buy junk food for my kids she will use my SIL’s name, so that we, parent unable to forbid kids not to eat.
My relationship with DH is turn to worse ever since his mother stay with us. We fought lots of times due to that. On one occassions DH actually telling me off saying that since I do not respect my MIL so dun had up for a respect from her. Yes, its truth that i never greet my MIL whether i am going out or go home but does that wrong till she have to bad mouthed me in front of my kids so many times. MIL is also double faced (acting angelic in front of DH and bitchy on his back) making DH did not believe me if i complain/telling me my displeasureness.
Am i too petty or unfillial? am really at my end wits in handling her. -
Hi racoon12, does your mil still have her own flat or she sold it off to stay with you. If she still has, then maybe you can put your kids in childcare and tell her to go back to where she belongs. :evil:
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i think all of you should sit down and have a discussion.
everyone has a turn to voice their opinions, displeasure etc. everyone should try to accommodate each other and lay down firm rules and boundaries. all the rules and agreements and boundaries should be noted down so as to dispute future disagreements.
it is very important to tell everyone at the start of the discussion that this is not personal but for the good of the family. also make sure emotion does not run high during the discussion. keep cool.
maybe you should take a step further by greeting your mil whenever you see her like in the morning and before you sleep. just say bye before you leave for work and hello when you are back. -
Sall - Yes, MIL do have her own house which is now occupy by SIL and her hubby. the reason my MIL with me are to take care of my boi when he is come back from school in fact my gal is in Full day child care. Am just considering of enroll my boi to after school care as an alternative.
LOLmum - i lost my respect towards my MIL over the years staying with her make me dreading in greeting her. I know it is a lame excuse however seeing her pulling all her trick toward me making me wishing that i can make my MIL disappear from my face forever. -
racoon12:
How To Fight and WinSall - Yes, MIL do have her own house which is now occupy by SIL and her hubby. the reason my MIL with me are to take care of my boi when he is come back from school in fact my gal is in Full day child care. Am just considering of enroll my boi to after school care as an alternative.
LOLmum - i lost my respect towards my MIL over the years staying with her make me dreading in greeting her. I know it is a lame excuse however seeing her pulling all her trick toward me making me wishing that i can make my MIL disappear from my face forever.
(1) No matter HOW you dislike her, do the right thing. Greet her. Buy her gifts. Remember b'day. All these are unimportant things that you can give in on. This makes you look good in front of the referee (your husband)
(2) Don't irritate your husband by making him take sides. If I have anything to say, I will say it myself. I bounce the idea off him first, then I say it. Sell the idea to your husband first. This ensures that whatever I say to his Mom has his blessings. He will keep quiet. That is all I ask.
(3) If you dun need to explain, don't. More words = more trouble. Just say \"ok\", and then proceed to do what you want discreetly. After that, if caught out, smile sweetly and explain that it was so that you could save her work/bother/stress.
(4) Ignore all noise, gossip and bad things. Be sweet and gentle and nice 99.99999% of the time. Once in 20 years, you blow up ONCE only... and when you do, do a good job of it. Go all out. Find a very good reason and put on the best theatrics you are capable of. Make them REMEMBER the crazy woman pushed to the limits of her endurance. I did that ONCE in 20 years when I cornered evidence of Mom-in-Law telling my children that I am a bad mother. Even then, I waited about 3 months before exploding. I collected evidence... then I dragged the child to my husband and yelled and cried and kicked chair and furniture and called my child to witness of the many times I was bad mouthed. Then I waited some more for husband to digest and feel conflicted. THEN I confronted his mother and yelled and cried and pointed to all the nice things I did for her... and all my sacrifices for this family and why do I deserve this treatment... and why is it that nothing I do is good enough. Everyone got a shock. No one thought I was capable of such a tantrum and no one forgot.
(5) Tolerate all the unimportant stuff. Choose your battles. Prepare your husband. Sell your position (without referring to his mother) and then act/speak.
(6) Don't lose control of yourself. The one who provokes the conflict has the control. You allow yourself to be provoked, you always lose.
Your case is same as mine. Her flat was opposite mine. FIL and SIL stayed there. She was always in my flat and criticising me and overturning my decisions because she had to look after DS and DD. I made alternative arrangements for DS and DD, telling my husband that the school system has changed and his mom cannot cope. Then, I hinted to husband that it was not normal that she abandons her husband and spend all her time with us. Then I asked for the room back.
Not once did I care about the gossip she was spreading behind my back. Not important. I had an end-deliverable in mind
(1) I want that room back
(2) I want control of my kids
(3) I want control of my house (where I put furniture and what soy sauce I use is my business)
(4) I want control over my family finances
All other battles that did not involve these, I let her win. I am always very respectful, even when I tell her unpleasant news. -
Wow, Chenonceau, I must print out your \"How to fight and win\" and paste it on my fridge! I like this part best \"Don't lose control of yourself. The one who provokes the conflict has the control. You allow yourself to be provoked, you always lose.\"
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Wah, Chen, you can write a book on battling MILs. Shall we title it Battle Hymn of the DIL. :evil:
To those who are finding it a challenge to keep your emotions in check,
Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
Proverbs 12:16
A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
However horrible your MIL is, if you do your due diligence, no one can fault you. -
Chen....
do you accept disciple??? I really have to kongtow with u in handling MIL. -
Funz:
My soulmate!! :hugs:
To those who are finding it a challenge to keep your emotions in check,
Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
Proverbs 12:16
A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
However horrible your MIL is, if you do your due diligence, no one can fault you.
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