In-law problems?
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Sall - Yes, MIL do have her own house which is now occupy by SIL and her hubby. the reason my MIL with me are to take care of my boi when he is come back from school in fact my gal is in Full day child care. Am just considering of enroll my boi to after school care as an alternative.
LOLmum - i lost my respect towards my MIL over the years staying with her make me dreading in greeting her. I know it is a lame excuse however seeing her pulling all her trick toward me making me wishing that i can make my MIL disappear from my face forever. -
racoon12:
How To Fight and WinSall - Yes, MIL do have her own house which is now occupy by SIL and her hubby. the reason my MIL with me are to take care of my boi when he is come back from school in fact my gal is in Full day child care. Am just considering of enroll my boi to after school care as an alternative.
LOLmum - i lost my respect towards my MIL over the years staying with her make me dreading in greeting her. I know it is a lame excuse however seeing her pulling all her trick toward me making me wishing that i can make my MIL disappear from my face forever.
(1) No matter HOW you dislike her, do the right thing. Greet her. Buy her gifts. Remember b'day. All these are unimportant things that you can give in on. This makes you look good in front of the referee (your husband)
(2) Don't irritate your husband by making him take sides. If I have anything to say, I will say it myself. I bounce the idea off him first, then I say it. Sell the idea to your husband first. This ensures that whatever I say to his Mom has his blessings. He will keep quiet. That is all I ask.
(3) If you dun need to explain, don't. More words = more trouble. Just say \"ok\", and then proceed to do what you want discreetly. After that, if caught out, smile sweetly and explain that it was so that you could save her work/bother/stress.
(4) Ignore all noise, gossip and bad things. Be sweet and gentle and nice 99.99999% of the time. Once in 20 years, you blow up ONCE only... and when you do, do a good job of it. Go all out. Find a very good reason and put on the best theatrics you are capable of. Make them REMEMBER the crazy woman pushed to the limits of her endurance. I did that ONCE in 20 years when I cornered evidence of Mom-in-Law telling my children that I am a bad mother. Even then, I waited about 3 months before exploding. I collected evidence... then I dragged the child to my husband and yelled and cried and kicked chair and furniture and called my child to witness of the many times I was bad mouthed. Then I waited some more for husband to digest and feel conflicted. THEN I confronted his mother and yelled and cried and pointed to all the nice things I did for her... and all my sacrifices for this family and why do I deserve this treatment... and why is it that nothing I do is good enough. Everyone got a shock. No one thought I was capable of such a tantrum and no one forgot.
(5) Tolerate all the unimportant stuff. Choose your battles. Prepare your husband. Sell your position (without referring to his mother) and then act/speak.
(6) Don't lose control of yourself. The one who provokes the conflict has the control. You allow yourself to be provoked, you always lose.
Your case is same as mine. Her flat was opposite mine. FIL and SIL stayed there. She was always in my flat and criticising me and overturning my decisions because she had to look after DS and DD. I made alternative arrangements for DS and DD, telling my husband that the school system has changed and his mom cannot cope. Then, I hinted to husband that it was not normal that she abandons her husband and spend all her time with us. Then I asked for the room back.
Not once did I care about the gossip she was spreading behind my back. Not important. I had an end-deliverable in mind
(1) I want that room back
(2) I want control of my kids
(3) I want control of my house (where I put furniture and what soy sauce I use is my business)
(4) I want control over my family finances
All other battles that did not involve these, I let her win. I am always very respectful, even when I tell her unpleasant news. -
Wow, Chenonceau, I must print out your \"How to fight and win\" and paste it on my fridge! I like this part best \"Don't lose control of yourself. The one who provokes the conflict has the control. You allow yourself to be provoked, you always lose.\"
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Wah, Chen, you can write a book on battling MILs. Shall we title it Battle Hymn of the DIL. :evil:
To those who are finding it a challenge to keep your emotions in check,
Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
Proverbs 12:16
A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
However horrible your MIL is, if you do your due diligence, no one can fault you. -
Chen....
do you accept disciple??? I really have to kongtow with u in handling MIL. -
Funz:
My soulmate!! :hugs:
To those who are finding it a challenge to keep your emotions in check,
Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
Proverbs 12:16
A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
However horrible your MIL is, if you do your due diligence, no one can fault you. -
racoon12:
Chen....
do you accept disciple??? I really have to kongtow with u in handling MIL.
No lah... I sound good only. Half the time, I was pretty lost myself. -
Angelight:
Wow, Chenonceau, I must print out your \"How to fight and win\" and paste it on my fridge! I like this part best \"Don't lose control of yourself. The one who provokes the conflict has the control. You allow yourself to be provoked, you always lose.\"
You go gal!! -
Chenonceau:
Chenonceau, :udawoman: .
How To Fight and Win
(1) No matter HOW you dislike her, do the right thing. Greet her. Buy her gifts. Remember b'day. All these are unimportant things that you can give in on. This makes you look good in front of the referee (your husband)
(2) Don't irritate your husband by making him take sides. If I have anything to say, I will say it myself. I bounce the idea off him first, then I say it. Sell the idea to your husband first. This ensures that whatever I say to his Mom has his blessings. He will keep quiet. That is all I ask.
(3) If you dun need to explain, don't. More words = more trouble. Just say \"ok\", and then proceed to do what you want discreetly. After that, if caught out, smile sweetly and explain that it was so that you could save her work/bother/stress.
(4) Ignore all noise, gossip and bad things. Be sweet and gentle and nice 99.99999% of the time. Once in 20 years, you blow up ONCE only... and when you do, do a good job of it. Go all out. Find a very good reason and put on the best theatrics you are capable of. Make them REMEMBER the crazy woman pushed to the limits of her endurance. I did that ONCE in 20 years when I cornered evidence of Mom-in-Law telling my children that I am a bad mother. Even then, I waited about 3 months before exploding. I collected evidence... then I dragged the child to my husband and yelled and cried and kicked chair and furniture and called my child to witness of the many times I was bad mouthed. Then I waited some more for husband to digest and feel conflicted. THEN I confronted his mother and yelled and cried and pointed to all the nice things I did for her... and all my sacrifices for this family and why do I deserve this treatment... and why is it that nothing I do is good enough. Everyone got a shock. No one thought I was capable of such a tantrum and no one forgot.
(5) Tolerate all the unimportant stuff. Choose your battles. Prepare your husband. Sell your position (without referring to his mother) and then act/speak.
(6) Don't lose control of yourself. The one who provokes the conflict has the control. You allow yourself to be provoked, you always lose.
Not once did I care about the gossip she was spreading behind my back. Not important. I had an end-deliverable in mind
(1) I want that room back
(2) I want control of my kids
(3) I want control of my house (where I put furniture and what soy sauce I use is my business)
(4) I want control over my family finances
All other battles that did not involve these, I let her win. I am always very respectful, even when I tell her unpleasant news.
Must have been a tough fight....
:evil: I can relate to some of the tips you gave. I think esp. important is the #2 - not to irritate the hubby & ask him to take sides....cos' they can't. I have went through the stage when DH & I were always quarrelling.....but things have improved. Either DH has become 'cleverer' or perhaps, when I back-off and not be so harsh/pressurising on him, he stopped being defensive & started to 'see the truth' for himself.
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not only DILs are having a tough time. my cousin’s husband was controlled by my cousin’s mother, who is my aunty. after they got married, my aunty told her son-inlaw to move into their house since my cousin is the only daughter, he moved in. but my aunty still control him, even after their daughter is born, my aunty took care of her grandaughter fulltime. For many yrs we never seen my cousin’s husband at all, even during Chinese New Yr visitings, when my relatives asked abt him, my aunty juz say oh he’s working. Or when some aunties briefly asked when is my cousin going to ve another child, my aunty juz said no need la, 1 is enough. it was only recently den my uncle revealed that his daughter & husband r offically divorced cos he could not stand my aunty being so demanding & controlling.even wat time he come home from work also must report to my aunty, where he go also must report. my uncle felt that my aunty was too much. even my cousin dun bother with her mother anymore, she goes clubbing every weekend.
deep down, all of us felt that it is wrong for my aunty to control her daughter & husband. we felt sad for my cousin especially for her young daughter who is only 3.5yrs old. sad that my aunty had ruined her daughter’s marriage.
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