In-law problems?
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Wow, Chenonceau, I must print out your \"How to fight and win\" and paste it on my fridge! I like this part best \"Don't lose control of yourself. The one who provokes the conflict has the control. You allow yourself to be provoked, you always lose.\"
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Wah, Chen, you can write a book on battling MILs. Shall we title it Battle Hymn of the DIL. :evil:
To those who are finding it a challenge to keep your emotions in check,
Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
Proverbs 12:16
A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
However horrible your MIL is, if you do your due diligence, no one can fault you. -
Chen....
do you accept disciple??? I really have to kongtow with u in handling MIL. -
Funz:
My soulmate!! :hugs:
To those who are finding it a challenge to keep your emotions in check,
Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
Proverbs 12:16
A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
However horrible your MIL is, if you do your due diligence, no one can fault you. -
racoon12:
Chen....
do you accept disciple??? I really have to kongtow with u in handling MIL.
No lah... I sound good only. Half the time, I was pretty lost myself. -
Angelight:
Wow, Chenonceau, I must print out your \"How to fight and win\" and paste it on my fridge! I like this part best \"Don't lose control of yourself. The one who provokes the conflict has the control. You allow yourself to be provoked, you always lose.\"
You go gal!! -
Chenonceau:
Chenonceau, :udawoman: .
How To Fight and Win
(1) No matter HOW you dislike her, do the right thing. Greet her. Buy her gifts. Remember b'day. All these are unimportant things that you can give in on. This makes you look good in front of the referee (your husband)
(2) Don't irritate your husband by making him take sides. If I have anything to say, I will say it myself. I bounce the idea off him first, then I say it. Sell the idea to your husband first. This ensures that whatever I say to his Mom has his blessings. He will keep quiet. That is all I ask.
(3) If you dun need to explain, don't. More words = more trouble. Just say \"ok\", and then proceed to do what you want discreetly. After that, if caught out, smile sweetly and explain that it was so that you could save her work/bother/stress.
(4) Ignore all noise, gossip and bad things. Be sweet and gentle and nice 99.99999% of the time. Once in 20 years, you blow up ONCE only... and when you do, do a good job of it. Go all out. Find a very good reason and put on the best theatrics you are capable of. Make them REMEMBER the crazy woman pushed to the limits of her endurance. I did that ONCE in 20 years when I cornered evidence of Mom-in-Law telling my children that I am a bad mother. Even then, I waited about 3 months before exploding. I collected evidence... then I dragged the child to my husband and yelled and cried and kicked chair and furniture and called my child to witness of the many times I was bad mouthed. Then I waited some more for husband to digest and feel conflicted. THEN I confronted his mother and yelled and cried and pointed to all the nice things I did for her... and all my sacrifices for this family and why do I deserve this treatment... and why is it that nothing I do is good enough. Everyone got a shock. No one thought I was capable of such a tantrum and no one forgot.
(5) Tolerate all the unimportant stuff. Choose your battles. Prepare your husband. Sell your position (without referring to his mother) and then act/speak.
(6) Don't lose control of yourself. The one who provokes the conflict has the control. You allow yourself to be provoked, you always lose.
Not once did I care about the gossip she was spreading behind my back. Not important. I had an end-deliverable in mind
(1) I want that room back
(2) I want control of my kids
(3) I want control of my house (where I put furniture and what soy sauce I use is my business)
(4) I want control over my family finances
All other battles that did not involve these, I let her win. I am always very respectful, even when I tell her unpleasant news.
Must have been a tough fight....
:evil: I can relate to some of the tips you gave. I think esp. important is the #2 - not to irritate the hubby & ask him to take sides....cos' they can't. I have went through the stage when DH & I were always quarrelling.....but things have improved. Either DH has become 'cleverer' or perhaps, when I back-off and not be so harsh/pressurising on him, he stopped being defensive & started to 'see the truth' for himself.
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not only DILs are having a tough time. my cousin’s husband was controlled by my cousin’s mother, who is my aunty. after they got married, my aunty told her son-inlaw to move into their house since my cousin is the only daughter, he moved in. but my aunty still control him, even after their daughter is born, my aunty took care of her grandaughter fulltime. For many yrs we never seen my cousin’s husband at all, even during Chinese New Yr visitings, when my relatives asked abt him, my aunty juz say oh he’s working. Or when some aunties briefly asked when is my cousin going to ve another child, my aunty juz said no need la, 1 is enough. it was only recently den my uncle revealed that his daughter & husband r offically divorced cos he could not stand my aunty being so demanding & controlling.even wat time he come home from work also must report to my aunty, where he go also must report. my uncle felt that my aunty was too much. even my cousin dun bother with her mother anymore, she goes clubbing every weekend.
deep down, all of us felt that it is wrong for my aunty to control her daughter & husband. we felt sad for my cousin especially for her young daughter who is only 3.5yrs old. sad that my aunty had ruined her daughter’s marriage. -
yeah, sometimes it is not just the dil who suffers, sil too.
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racoon12:
I kinda been through and still going through, so can feel your frustration.My first post in this thread.
I also have in law problem to share and lately the problem is getting out of hand. My MIL is staying with me for about 3 years (ever since my DS goes to P1). We give her the authority to mend the kitchen as she like to cook and i personally feel that what she actually want is the authority to mend the whole household including how to handle my kids. She always feel that what i done (in term of upbringing the kids and household) always on the wrong side. Complaint to my kids numerous of times. Lately she is bringing my SIL into our family problems. Ex: MIL find that the chinese physician that we bring our kids to is no good, she will ask my SIL to talk to me and on other occasion, when MIL buy junk food for my kids she will use my SIL's name, so that we, parent unable to forbid kids not to eat.
My relationship with DH is turn to worse ever since his mother stay with us. We fought lots of times due to that. On one occassions DH actually telling me off saying that since I do not respect my MIL so dun had up for a respect from her. Yes, its truth that i never greet my MIL whether i am going out or go home but does that wrong till she have to bad mouthed me in front of my kids so many times. MIL is also double faced (acting angelic in front of DH and bitchy on his back) making DH did not believe me if i complain/telling me my displeasureness.
Am i too petty or unfillial? am really at my end wits in handling her.
MIL rented out her flat and has been staying with us for the last 3 yrs. Initially, DH & I had a lot of arguments over them (FIL passed on recently), MIL was especially challenging as she would try to interfere into our lifes. Anyway, some time back, I had a big fight with her & for weeks, I refused to talk nor greet her. We were avoiding each other and I was reluctant to do anything for her (which include chaffeuring her to & fro from work). But after I have cooled down, have started greeting her again.....cos' I believe, as the elder, we should give them some due respect, so do try at least the minimal, I'm sure your DH will appreciate that and it will do you good in the long run.
As for DH not believing, think gotta try other approaches. I used to get upset when DH didn't believe or chose to ignore my unhappiness. But after I kinda back-off and not pressurize DH as much, he was more open and could see the 委屈 /injustice on my part, which I'm fine as long as DH is aware and not blindly believe MIL 100%.
Now I avoid conveying or getting info from MIL cos' frequently end up with conflicting info ie. MIL would deny her words or just simply claim didn't understand or didn't hear me. These days, I would tell DH to clarify whatever he wants to know from MIL himself.....dun go through me to avoid miscomm. Saves me lotsa headache. And of course, some other stuff which I will avoid and leave it to him to settle himself....guess, nothing beats learning the hard way :evil:
Like what Chenonceau mentioned, choose your battles and dun irritate your DH to take sides. Let him feel and he will learn :evil:
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