In-law problems?
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my mil always collect those soft drinks cans. & i always hope one day she will kena fine by NEA.
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Funz:
Thanks Funz,I think as parents, especially as mothers, we will feel sad if our kids decide to live abroad and we do not get to see them as often as we would like. So can understand your MIL's concerns about when you guys will be coming back. Even more so since she has only your DH and SIL.
And being asians, we are brought up with the men being the main breadwinner kind of culture. It is the norm for women to work these days but I will not agree for my son to depend on his wife nor my son-in-law to be depending on my dd to bring home the bacon. I will also prefer for DD to work rather then be totally dependant on her husband financially. I mean choice is ultimately hers but that will be my preference.
I guess that's why I am usually more upset with myself because RATIONALLY i can see where it is all coming from but emotionally, i still feel so helpless and unhappy because i dont subscribe to those ideology. So i feel bound by expectations that i dont agree with.
That's why i say, coming from a different family background, i find it tough to see eye to eye with her. My folks set me and my siblings off to different parts of the world when we were young. So to us, being a family, never meant that it has to have close physical proximity. And I think it is a fallacy to think that just because some women opt to be a SAHM, they will be financially beholden to their partners. Certainly it wouldnt be in our case, neither does my DH 'depend' on my income. But i understand that it will LOOK like that to others, esp to MIL and her relatives. From where i stand, i dont care how it look to others and i shdnt have to explain myself but because my MIL cares, and my DH cares how his mom cares... so i have to care...
I dont think i am explaining it very well but i appreciate what you wrote coming from the other point of view which i do not ascribe to but need to take into consideration. :roll: -
Thanks Chenonceau for the encouragement and good tips!
I guess if it is a foregone conclusion that i will have to go back because of PILs, i should just be gracious about it instead of beating my head on the wall. :stupid: Heh i think i am just lamenting my future loss of 'physical distance' where i am away from all that entanglement.. sort of like a little kid being drag back to school after a delicious holiday...
Alot of what you said resonate with me and i am also immensely practical. My family and i are Aus PR more than 10yrs ago cos my brothers both studied here since 16. And to maintain the PR, it is mandatory to stay 2years in Aus out of 5 years to obtain another 5yr PR. I actually managed to scrap thru 10 years without staying in Aus to meet that requirement through connections with my bro who was working here (now he moved to HK). But this would have been the last chance for me if i do not move to Aus by 2009 (I had DD in dec08). Which is why DH and I made the move, so i can apply PR for DD and DH, to give DD more options in the future.
Our decision to move here was strategic to begin with and i also wanted to give a different way of life a chance. I worked 8 years in a VWO as a psych and it was enough, and needed a change. It is only coming here that i found out that this is a life i feel will be good for our family in the long run. DH feels similar and agrees, but i guess how PIL feels trumps any positives we may have in Aus. DH was even contemplating that me and DD can continue to stay in Aus while he shuttles between SG and Aus, doing his business (he started his own design stuff while doing his PHD) but i refused. I think if that were to happen, i will be even more resentful or upset that PIL's feelings is a factor in our family \"breaking\" up. What's the point of staying in Aus if my DD will have a half here, half there father? So yes.. you are right... if have to go back, means have to go back and go back all together.
So now i am not just contented with having Aus PR (or else 5 years later we will have to go thru the agonizing decision of whether to give up or come back to Aus when DD is in pri sch, more likely we will need to give up cos PIL will be older...), i insisted we stay in Aus a full 4 years so that i qualify for Aus citizenship, apply for myself and DD, THEN go back where DD can hold dual citizenship. So no matter what, even if i am unhappy with what's going on with, must stay in SG etc, DD will have the option of coming back to Aus whenever she wants. I am tied down, but i dont see why DD should be too... if life is so that my DH feels he has to take care of his PIL in SG and i love my DH enough to stay with him, the least i can do is to ensure my next generation do not have to be tied down on account of the older generation.
That's how my parents brought us up and i think in a lot of ways, me and my bros benefited from their \"sacrifice\" and made us more grateful of them. But i know to alot of people, ours is not the 'conventional' family model and probably looks unfeeling and weird (since we only see each other like once a yr or something since i am in Aus, one in HK, one in Thailand, parents in China and travels all over the place). Still, i'd say we are very close and know what's going with each others' lives, never afraid to say what we think or feel with each other. So in a way i think as a family, i am alot closer to mine than DH is to his because they only do the \"polite\" talking and nobody dare to articulate their views or say No to each other. And thats after years of living under one roof! :roll:
Chenonceau, i've read your blog and your postings here and it always make so much sense... so Thank you! When it is the time for me to go back, i will definitely put some of those suggestions in place (esp abt that uncle, though knowing me, it will be so tough!). For now, i better enjoy myself as much as i can... cos in 2 yrs time, i am going to feel so sayang for myself and DD..
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Chenonceau:
Man.. you really hit the nail on the head with this one.. That's exactly how i feel and exactly what my MIL said (not to me, but to my DH...). She also asked him to reconsider whether to marry me or not because our family \"level\" so different. Thankfully my DH is also an enlightened 'modern' guy (but come to family, he is very soft hearted la.. not that it is a bad thing!) so he didnt listen to her. I think tt's why i appreciate my DH alot and if possible try not to stress him out because i know he does try to 'shield' me also just in some situations, cannot means cannot lor. He definitely know going back to SG doesnt make much sense in alot of levels for me and DD so he is very apologetic but what to do, like you say, it is a battle neither of us can win (for him, getting get over the guilt, for me.. cos i am married to him.. hahaha!).
You need your own counter propaganda machine that details the new age values. We now live in the 20th century. I am an educated woman. I hold a job and bring in the dough... keep my man alive so he can do his PhD. Women are no longer chattel. Even an educated girl from a poor family should not be expected to do this.
It is not my fault that my family is rich. Why marry me if you didn't want an educated woman who can supplement the family income, make wise investment decisions? I had this discussion with DH many many years ago. I told him point blank that I didn't intend to STAY married to someone who expected me to bend my head (become stupid and opinionless in deferring to him and is relatives completely) and live in poverty until I die. I told him that I was prepared to work hard WITH him... love him... support him, but I didn't intend to throw away all my years of education and become stupid to please his family so that everyone can live poor but happy.
My MIL once commented that things would be very different IF I had come from a poor family, and THEY had been rich. Oh well... too bad for them.
But now all's said la.. decision also made.. i am just grumbling in the forum cos even when i bring out news or what about SG that is slightly errrr.. negative, my DH will look at me and say in that puppy-eyed expression \"i know what you are trying to do dear... u know how the argument will go right?\"...
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aurorin:
:udawoman:Alot of what you said resonate with me and i am also immensely practical. My family and i are Aus PR more than 10yrs ago cos my brothers both studied here since 16. And to maintain the PR, it is mandatory to stay 2years in Aus out of 5 years to obtain another 5yr PR. I actually managed to scrap thru 10 years without staying in Aus to meet that requirement through connections with my bro who was working here (now he moved to HK). But this would have been the last chance for me if i do not move to Aus by 2009 (I had DD in dec08). Which is why DH and I made the move, so i can apply PR for DD and DH, to give DD more options in the future.
Our decision to move here was strategic to begin with and i also wanted to give a different way of life a chance. I worked 8 years in a VWO as a psych and it was enough, and needed a change. It is only coming here that i found out that this is a life i feel will be good for our family in the long run.aurorin:
This is great! Half the battle won.DH feels similar and agrees,
aurorin:
Maybe can convince PIL to go over there? I realised after a while that the balance of power in a family MUST and WILL shift towards myself and DH. The old folks grow older and more frail. After a certain age, they begin to fail in their judgment. I spent close to 20 years playing a defensive strategy where I blink back tears and ignore... where I smile and then proceed to quietly do what I think is best for my DD and DH... and the old folks even though they did not at that time realize so. Then I woke up one day to realize that the olde folks needed me more. So... be patient.... but i guess how PIL feels trumps any positives we may have in Aus. DH was even contemplating that me and DD can continue to stay in Aus while he shuttles between SG and Aus, doing his business (he started his own design stuff while doing his PHD) but i refused. I think if that were to happen, i will be even more resentful or upset that PIL's feelings is a factor in our family \"breaking\" up. What's the point of staying in Aus if my DD will have a half here, half there father? So yes.. you are right... if have to go back, means have to go back and go back all together.
DH's family was traditional to the point where he felt compelled to give MIL his salary, and leave himself just some spending money. That was when I gave him the ultimatum about staying poor all my life. I argued that we were both educated and therefore are in a better position to manage and grow wealth than his parents. If his parents were any good at wealth management, then they wouldn't be as poor as they were. So we pulled back that salary, pooled both our salaries and placed it into a savings fund that we later used for investment. So much gossip flew around the extended family then. I was the money grubbing DIL... girls from rich families love money. Today, all that is past. No more such gossip. Then again, no praise either... no thank you. Just silence and grudging respect (because what if I refuse to share my largesse?)
But I don't care. I don't need their love nor their gratitude. I pledged to love my husband, and this I have done. Like you, because HE cares... I must care but I don't expect anything in return except my own husband's love and deep respect.
aurorin:
I've learnt that it is hard to explain this to families who have never sent out a diaspora... or who've never experienced this kind of family. Forgive them for they know not what they do, I reckon... and shrug my shoulders. No need to explain. I just smile, nod and repeat their advice back to them in different words. Then I do what I think is best for DH, DD and DS. My claws come out only when people prevent me from doing what I think best for my kids.But i know to alot of people, ours is not the 'conventional' family model and probably looks unfeeling and weird (since we only see each other like once a yr or something since i am in Aus, one in HK, one in Thailand, parents in China and travels all over the place). Still, i'd say we are very close and know what's going with each others' lives, never afraid to say what we think or feel with each other. So in a way i think as a family, i am alot closer to mine than DH is to his because they only do the \"polite\" talking and nobody dare to articulate their views or say No to each other. And thats after years of living under one roof! :roll:
aurorin:
Awwwwwwwww.... :love:Chenonceau, i've read your blog and your postings here and it always make so much sense... so Thank you! When it is the time for me to go back, i will definitely put some of those suggestions in place (esp abt that uncle, though knowing me, it will be so tough!). For now, i better enjoy myself as much as i can... cos in 2 yrs time, i am going to feel so sayang for myself and DD..
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aurorin:
Understand you perfectly well. Just like I know MIL means well when she keeps wanting the bring DD to church and calling everyday to pray with her over the phone, trying to influence DH by influencing DD, etc. But it still irks me to no end.
Thanks Funz,
I guess that's why I am usually more upset with myself because RATIONALLY i can see where it is all coming from but emotionally, i still feel so helpless and unhappy because i dont subscribe to those ideology. So i feel bound by expectations that i dont agree with.
That's why i say, coming from a different family background, i find it tough to see eye to eye with her. My folks set me and my siblings off to different parts of the world when we were young. So to us, being a family, never meant that it has to have close physical proximity. And I think it is a fallacy to think that just because some women opt to be a SAHM, they will be financially beholden to their partners. Certainly it wouldnt be in our case, neither does my DH 'depend' on my income. But i understand that it will LOOK like that to others, esp to MIL and her relatives. From where i stand, i dont care how it look to others and i shdnt have to explain myself but because my MIL cares, and my DH cares how his mom cares... so i have to care...
I dont think i am explaining it very well but i appreciate what you wrote coming from the other point of view which i do not ascribe to but need to take into consideration. :roll:
So at the end of the day, I feel petty and mean and small. :razz: Well you get my drift lah.
DH and I decide how we want to live our lives. MIL wanted us to let her care of DD but I insisted I am more comfortable with my mum. And told DH if he doesn't want to be caught between his mother and me over how our DD is cared for, he has to let me have my way with this. When DS was born, MIL told DH it was only fair that she care for DS since my mom got to care for DD. DH knew my answer but he was torn as he knew MIL would be disappointed. At the same time, he knew and agreed with my rationale. MIL did say some rather hurtful stuff to DH, something along the line of him having no say in this marriage. DH and I decided and agreed on how we should live our lives. So long as DH and I are in agreement, PILs and my parents will have to accept our decisions for it is our lives. And so far, they do come around to our thinking. -
mummyJune:
No, you are definitely not petty. I will be super mad if my daughter's hair was cut by someone I dislike. Who gave her the right to cut the hair ?hi mummies, am i being petty here? pls read on.
last night when i went to my MIL place to fetch my kids, i noticed my daughter(13mths) hair is so short. i asked my mil iszit she brought my daughter for haircut. she said go downstairs cut, $10 so x hor. den ask me nice anot. i said Y cut so short, like boy. I was very unhappy to c my daughter's hair cut until so short. BUT after awhile mil laughed & said FOC 1 la, is my SIL cut (her 2nd DIL). upon hearing that, my face went black & blood boiling. i never like my other SIL, worst, still go & cut hair for my daughter. i was so angry.
i feel that mil seems to be 'testing' my reaction. mayb she wants to see what will i say since previously she said bring my daughter downstairs for $10 haircut, den after that said is FOC haircut done by her 2nd DIL.
Am i very petty abt the hair thingy? haiz, very angry so ve to rant here.
Why ??? She is not the mother. Why did she allow her daughter-in-law to cut your gal's hair ? Sorry, I know I should not be rubbing in more salt. -
Not petty at all esp if you don’t like that SIL.
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Hi aurorin,
Aiyo, so sayang lah, your Aus PR/citizenship quest I mean! Coming back to SG during this period of time will be stressful as the cost of living here is so high, no relief in sight. Got to squeeze into MRT cause cab fare so high. Your MIL’s dream is for you to have a HDB=>upgrade to condo.+> then…? Anybody told your MIL yet how much is the HDB and condo prices nowadays? Pre-school fees is also very high here, currently a group of parents are up-in-arms and petitioning for govt. ministries to put in some controls. For us we are constantly worried about our kids and their future. No way of escape due to our age (I feel) although my hubby is always talking we should emigrate. Australia is a nice place and if you manage to settle down there with your HB and DD will be good.
In order to do that both your PILs and HB need a paradigm shift. I have a cousin who is an only boy with 3 sisters, also pack up and move to Australia with his wife and kids. He wants to emigrate and that is what he has done. The old folks will be left in the care of his eldest sister who is in SG.
I know I am not saying anything that you don’t already know and not rubbing in anything. Just having read your very interesting posts and wanted to comment. Thank you very much for sharing with us! -
Hi aurorin,
It’s not easy to get PR in Australia.
If your hubby wants to return to SG bcos his uncle/mother said so, it is a pity. You are staying confortably there…to uproot and return here will be stressful for your daughter. Not only that, there is no work life balance here. There is keen competition studying in schools here and you may not have the luxury of spending as much time with your daughter when you return.
The old one hopes you can let her look after your daughter so that she can ‘show off’ to her relatives that she is wanted.
If there is another sister-in-law of mine who wishes to ‘mummyeeee’ her, by all chance, please go ahead. I couldn’t be bothered…and I am too happy to be left alone.
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