In-law problems?

[nightlone]

rojakz:

Need some advise here. Currently my maid stays with my PIL not too far from our house. They take care of my kids during the day, fetch them from kindy /childcare. Now the headache part comes because my DS1 is gg to P1 next year. We opted to send him to a school nearer to our hse because the school (there's only 1) near my PILs hse is really really bad.


But we recently found out from the school bus operator that they may not be able to send DS1 back to my PIL hse cos they dont have a route there. MY PIL dont really want to stay with us and even when we suggested that we bring the maid home MOn-Fri to help us look after DS, they got upset with us.

Initially, we hired the maid was to look after my MIL who had a stroke 3yr ago. She is mobile now and a bit coherent although not fully recovered but can still manage on her own. Initially, the cost of the maid was supposed to be co-shared with my SIL but she has defaulted on so many payments for the 1st maid that we totally borne the cost of this 2nd maid on our own.

Our finances definitely dont allow us to hire a 2nd maid or to even send DS1 to an after school care. An after school care cost about $400/month near my hse. Should I just heck it and bring the maid home? Really headache now... i know if I do that my FIL will just hate us and we'll be branded as unfillial among relatives.

We even suggested for my SIL to share the cost of the maid but my FIL refuses to ask her, saying stuff about daughters being married out etc... Any ideas to share??

I only have one thing to say: You must do what is best for yourself and your kids.
Others be damned.

[nightlone]

janet_lee88:

fifiyeo:

I really have great dislike towards my PILs. They have never failed to make me feel like an outsider. Always never failing to remind me that this is \"their\" family and I'm an invader.


Anyway I've always told DH that they are his parents and I will never stop him from visiting or taking care of them. But don't ever expect much out of me. DH has never been on very good terms with them. I used to try to bridge the gaps but after being blamed and accused of this and that, forget it liao. None of my business!

Same here...we can shake hands.
Got shit, 他们很亲. Otherwise, we are outsiders.

I told hubby he is free to visit them but don't expect me to do the same. I can't and I do not believe in being a hypocrite.

same same!! *shake hand* I really really really super hate them.
i used to be more tolerant. but now i will do what is best for me and for my family.
why must i give in when no one's giving in? why must i be unselfish when no one is?
if i don't want something done, i will do it myself. for eg, if i don't want my son to watch a certain cartoon and his cousin is, i will just switch off the tv or change channels and say that i don't allow. the cousin dared to say his house doesn't have that channel. I just told him that he can ask his parents to subscribe. If he wants to stay here, then he follows my rules. If not, he knows where the front door is.
That's all. I don't negotiate. I don't give face. I don't go and think so much if people hate me. Towards them, i must be this way if not all hell breaks loose. I just do what I think is best for my family.

[nightlone]

BlueBells:

karu:

[quote=\"fifiyeo\"]We had a rule with the kids that they will always have to call us if PILs, the maids or any other relatives were taking them out. But my PILs were not happy and refused to let them call us before going out (outings that we are unaware of). Even cover up when maids or other relatives take them out. I've caught the maids simply taking the keys and leaving my house with my kid without even telling me to go to the supermarket!!! When we express our unhappiness over this issue, PILs argued that they are the elders so why must they follow our \"rules\". They say can means can, no need to call means no need to call.


So my ex-maids used to answer us \"You go ask your PILs lah!\"

This sounded like the problem we had with my parents. We were overwritten as far as disciplining kids is concerned. In fact there was a recent melt down. We are now not on talking terms & I'm torn in the middle. Now labelled as an unfillal son, taking the side of DW. Really headache!!

Karu,

You just have to take the side of your wife. I always feel that after marriage, spouse and own family should take priority over parents. It took me a while, but my hubby finally subscribed to this thinking as well.

We are fortunate to be staying on our own, but did discussed and agreed that if PIL were to stay with us, we will be upfront they need to respect our house rules since we are the owners of the flat. If they want to call the shots, they do it in their own property. I was very firm on this, and told hubby that if the day comes, and he can't say this to PIL, I will do it. I feel that I am pretty hardened by the world an am able to be emotionally detach when the need be.

If owners of the house don't exert their rights, then there will always be challenges. I am glad to see that my hubby has grown is this area, and is not able to stand firm on his ground and against the wishes of PIL if he needs to.

No easy way out. Parents will always feel they have right over their sons and this makes life difficult for the wife. Husbands must show that he is the head of his household in his flat and no father / mother / brother / sister should override that.[/quote] :goodpost:

[janet88]

In-laws always think they are in control…and as such, the daughters in law suffer. The husbands should be aware of what’s happening…but again, some old ones have dual characters in front and behind their sons’ backs.

All these years when I tell hubby his mother dearest has different tones but he doesn’t believe me…she is always behaving like an angel in front of her sons. Marital relationships can break down as such.

Now I don’t give a damn anymore…he can visit them for all I care. Don’t get me and children involved…or else they will be smelling cigarette smoke or getting food poisoning.

[dardarr]

Well… If you really love your husband, you will learn how to love your in laws. Don’t corrupt your mind with all the negativities about in laws that your friends and relatives tell you. If you can’t stand your in laws, can you stand your own parents?


Many times, we can live with our own parents’ shortcomings but why not in laws. Unless, you are telling me that you can’t even stand your own parents, what makes you think that you are so perfect that your children will be able to stand you.

My husband’s family is my own family too. Open your heart and they they will open theirs to you too. Life is about handling relationships… family, friends, colleagues and many others.

Your marriage will only be happy when there is harmony!

[fifiyeo]

dardarr:

Well... If you really love your husband, you will learn how to love your in laws. Don't corrupt your mind with all the negativities about in laws that your friends and relatives tell you. If you can't stand your in laws, can you stand your own parents?


Many times, we can live with our own parents' shortcomings but why not in laws. Unless, you are telling me that you can't even stand your own parents, what makes you think that you are so perfect that your children will be able to stand you.

My husband's family is my own family too. Open your heart and they they will open theirs to you too. Life is about handling relationships... family, friends, colleagues and many others.

Your marriage will only be happy when there is harmony!

Well said but not always a possible case. It takes 2 hands to clap.

For years I tried to open my heart to my ILs. In the end, they picked on me since I could put up with it. It is obvious that people like my ILs tend to pick on those (outsiders + relatives) whom they think they can bully. They leave the fiercer DIL totally in peace. Finally I gave up giving in to them and voice up or show my displeasure when they went overboard. Now they stopped picking on me like before. Even try to be super nice at times. However, if I open my heart and be nice, there they go again and their nasty side shows again. Actually it was my DH who is always wandering why I can put up with all the nonsense from his parents.

[janet88]

I can open my heart...but from start, SHE has already drawn the line clearly...always saying 我的儿女. It's a 2 way traffic...cannot always be expecting DIL to give in and not reciprocate.


My eldest SIL is the fierce one and she calls the shots. I am ok with her.
But the old one is jealous and always creates misunderstandings between us...fortunately my SIL and I know who is the culprit. I hate it when she carries tales...in front of me tell tales about SIL, hoping I will agree with her.

[straffan23]

The foundation of any good relationship is mutual respect. Dardarr… if you have been in any or our situation, you might have a different outlook. Just to sight the most recent example - last weekend, I was out with DH for about 2 hours. The children were at home with my helper. When I reached home, the home was quiet. My children were gone. My maid told me that my MIL has "drop by" and took the kids to her place.


Of course, this was done without consultation or even informing DH or myself. According to maid, MIL said "NO NEED TO TELL ONE!!". When they were finally home, DH told her to "please inform us the next time you take the kids out"… just to receive a tongue lashing and lots of shouting from MIL… along the lines of being unfilial… useless son… horrible DIL, etc etc. Because "She is the grandmother!! Why need to ask?? Why need to ask!!! Useless son!!!"

So, in her opinion, because she is the MIL and she is the grandmother… it is her god given right to drop in (she has keys, so she just open the door herself!!) anytime she likes… does anything she likes… and take my children anywhere as she deem fit. Make sense? To this, who wants to "open the heart"… Some of us here are way past that stage. We have done it, failed miserably… and the only way forward is to keep that heart to ourselves and make sure it continues beating!

[dolphinsiah]

straffan23:

The foundation of any good relationship is mutual respect. Dardarr... if you have been in any or our situation, you might have a different outlook. Just to sight the most recent example - last weekend, I was out with DH for about 2 hours. The children were at home with my helper. When I reached home, the home was quiet. My children were gone. My maid told me that my MIL has \"drop by\" and took the kids to her place.


Of course, this was done without consultation or even informing DH or myself. According to maid, MIL said \"NO NEED TO TELL ONE!!\". When they were finally home, DH told her to \"please inform us the next time you take the kids out\"... just to receive a tongue lashing and lots of shouting from MIL... along the lines of being unfilial... useless son... horrible DIL, etc etc. Because \"She is the grandmother!! Why need to ask?? Why need to ask!!! Useless son!!!\"

So, in her opinion, because she is the MIL and she is the grandmother... it is her god given right to drop in (she has keys, so she just open the door herself!!) anytime she likes... does anything she likes... and take my children anywhere as she deem fit. Make sense? To this, who wants to \"open the heart\"... Some of us here are way past that stage. We have done it, failed miserably... and the only way forward is to keep that heart to ourselves and make sure it continues beating!

I fully understand how you feel....When you have an Elderly who likes to pop in and invade your lives....

My mom always do that to me....

But now I sort of 'Cool down quite a bit'
I look at her at how she aged , she must be feeling uneasy about getting old and we the Younger ones start not to take her 'Orders' from her....

I know she might live longer than me ....but who knows what will happen tomorrow....

So now each time she invade my life.....I will try to think.....

a)if she is gone tomorrow , I will miss her ... :scared:
b)she is my mom , my children grandma....so we just try to put up her unreasonable ways .... :siam:

[karu]

I guess there’s a diff between our own parents & parents in law. It’s easier to tolerate our own parents than in-laws. It’s MIL for the case above.