In-law problems?
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Imami:
Some times bad things happen and human changes for the better because they realized something more important.
I think I more blessed to meet her son :rotflmao:janet_lee88:
Your MIL is very blessed to have you...don't mind me saying, she changed only after she fell very sick. But most importantly, your efforts are appreciated.
:salute:
No I don't mind - it's a fact - she became nicer only after she fell very sick. But at least the relationship changes for the better. That's the most impt point. -
Staying with ILs is causing such a huge strain on our relationship, sometimes I dont know how to move ahead.
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ImMeeMee:
Staying with ILs is causing such a huge strain on our relationship, sometimes I dont know how to move ahead.
One of my best friends recently ‘turned face’ with her only elder brother.
My friend’s mum married her dad as something like a ‘maid’ (童养媳). Therefore, the ages of her parents are about 15 years old.
Her dad’s mum (meaning her grandma) ‘bought’ her mum to take care of her dad coz her dad was someone with lower IQ.
Her grandma abused her mum for many years. The mum, coz illiterate, suffered for that period of time.
My friend was raped repeatedly by her dad when young (and I am not sure whether her mum is aware of this though my friend didn’t tell her mum).
Her mum raised her two kids in a very tough environment and my friend was very close to her brother till about 3 months ago.
When the brother’s children were young, the mum would go to the brother’s house regularly to help to take care of her grandchildren and would stay over for a few days in a week in the brother’s landed property. The sis in law is a SAHM.
Then, the brother wanted to sell the house to get cash to do some business. After selling, the family shifted to a rented two bedroom apt. Brother then told the mum that now they have no more spare spare rooms for the mum and therefore don’t need the mum to come anymore. My friend told me about this arrangement and I told her, ‘That’s probably the first step to kick the mum out.’ That was the moment when my friend almost ‘turned face’ with me coz she said her brother treated her very well and she trusted her brother completely. (I never really like the brother all this while coz his eyes are just not so right. Feel that he is someone very particular about money and will 'eat my friend' up if there's ever any money dispute but all this while I kept my mouth shut coz cannot anyhow say else if I am wrong, may affect the sibling relationship unnecessarily).
Coz of like suddenly got kicked out of the house, her mum almost went into depression. My friend encouraged her to continue to go church and told her the arrangement was just temporary.
A few months back during a funeral of a relative, my friend asked the brother about how he intended to ‘settle mum’ (even though she seemed didn’t believe what I said previously, I had planted a doubt seed in her).
Her brother replied indirectly, “It is difficult for a house to have two women and I have to choose.”
That reply made my friend very sad.
She further asked, “OK, I will accept your wife cannot get along with mum. So what if next time mum cannot function alone anymore and needs medical care? Will you take her in?”
Her brother replied indirectly again, “It is really difficult for me.”
That was when my friend really ‘turned face’ and started to recount to the brother about how tough it was for the mum to bring them up and that kind of abusive life that the mum was suffering her her grandma and the sexual abuses by the dad.
This part of recounting actually was useless coz the brother definitely knows about all these. His problem is that he has to ‘choose one’.
My friend is a filial enough child (still single). She has no problems take care of her mum but she knows her traditional mum’s wish is to be taken care by her son and to see her grandchildren. All these wishes are not possible.
My friend didn’t tell her mum about her conversation with her brother to her mum. She knows her mum still harbouring hope to be able to stay with the son when the son shifting to a landed house again soon (and then will have spare rooms).
My friend teared when she talked to me about this matter coz she knows how heart broken her mum will be if finally she realizes her son will not want to stay with her anymore (actually is more like the sis in law doesn’t want and the husband has to follow else the family may breakup). She knows how much her mum loves the son and almost all the best things in her life she leaves them for the son. This mum is one who is likely to hold a big bag of regrets at her death bed.
In life, we meet dilemmas very often.
ImMeeMee, if you have tried your best to get along with your mum but your best isn’t good enough, then do the appropriate thing to arrange to shift out instead of seeing your two ends of candle also lighted and you may go crazy. Calm down and then plan rationally if you can (you shifted out permanently or if 3 to 5 years good enough for you?).
Once shifted out, you try to settle other more urgent things and to build your internal strength with the hope of returning to stay with them again.
If you manage to shift out, you have to treat your parents in law with double respect and care to ‘compensate’ the fact that you are ‘removing’ their son away from them (I don’t know what kind of people they are. Even if they are very ‘bad’ kind, you have to tolerate their nonsense when meet RESPECTFULLY after you shift out).
Ideally, you don’t shift out for the sole objective to escape (the moment you thinking that you can ‘escape’, then more problems will come your way. The moment you thinking of you want to grow your strength, the solutions will be on the way). Shifting out is more for you to have a bigger breathing space so that you can have some more energy to do whatever filial piety bit with / for your husband whenever is needed.
If your husband is the only son and your in laws are real old, then the matter will be more complicated coz that will not give you any choice but to continue to bite your tongue to try to figure out better ways to live along with them.
Best wishes… -
janet_lee88:
I learned long ago never to say such things to DH. No one likes their own family to be criticised no matter how bad they are. Even when MIL does something that appear to frustrate DH, I will assure him instead, that all is ok, no need to be so upset with the old folks. If I join in and rant against his mum, before I know it he will get defensive and I will be on the receiving end of his frustrations. Not worth it.Was informed by hub that his mother doesn't have any 'lai see'. Told him it is not the amount that matters...even if just $2...but if she doesn't have any 'lai see', then the suay one is her.
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insider:
Insider, thanks for your advice. Yes, things are complicated, and all the more so when we are in the midst of things and that blinds us. No solution at the moment, but still struggling internally to figure things out.
ImMeeMee, if you have tried your best to get along with your mum but your best isn’t good enough, then do the appropriate thing to arrange to shift out instead of seeing your two ends of candle also lighted and you may go crazy. Calm down and then plan rationally if you can (you shifted out permanently or if 3 to 5 years good enough for you?).
Once shifted out, you try to settle other more urgent things and to build your internal strength with the hope of returning to stay with them again.
If you manage to shift out, you have to treat your parents in law with double respect and care to ‘compensate’ the fact that you are ‘removing’ their son away from them (I don’t know what kind of people they are. Even if they are very ‘bad’ kind, you have to tolerate their nonsense when meet RESPECTFULLY after you shift out).
Ideally, you don’t shift out for the sole objective to escape (the moment you thinking that you can ‘escape’, then more problems will come your way. The moment you thinking of you want to grow your strength, the solutions will be on the way). Shifting out is more for you to have a bigger breathing space so that you can have some more energy to do whatever filial piety bit with / for your husband whenever is needed.
If your husband is the only son and your in laws are real old, then the matter will be more complicated coz that will not give you any choice but to continue to bite your tongue to try to figure out better ways to live along with them.
Best wishes…
I believe in sacrifices for the benefit of the relationship, but I do wonder at times about sacrifices into a black hole ... afterall, I have not attained the stage where I am totally selfless yet.
BTW, I am also following your 桃花谈 which is also giving me some pointers on the things to think about.
Thanks. -
ImMeeMee:
Emmm...the word 'sacrifice'...
I believe in sacrifices for the benefit of the relationship, but I do wonder at times about sacrifices into a black hole ... afterall, I have not attained the stage where I am totally selfless yet.
Dont sacrifice coz it denotes a meaning of you are giving up your ownself for the sake of another.
YOU are the most important person that you have to take care of. If you are not at peace with yourself, nothing good will come your way.
We have to prioritise things and the 'I' is the most important one that we have to deal with.
If staying together let you go hurtful and you have no means to make yourself see light, then your 无明 can only grow bigger and your relationship with anyone in the family is unlikely to improve.
To 'retreat' to a better place with the objective of regaining your ground is the second best bet that you can take. It's not about selfish but rather for the sake of everyone.
Never 'sacrifice' as such feelings eat you up slowly and others are not supposed to gain by feeding on your blood and tears...
I tend to believe that you are a good woman somehow and good people will be 'awarded' positive points to see solutions if they can stop struggling...
I know sometimes I talk as if things are so simple though I know things are 'simple' to me but very tough for others. Just regain your 'calm' and then listen to your inner voice. The solutions really are easier to see if you can stop struggling... -
what is "无明" in English ?
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surprisingly my hubby was pissed with his mother this time…anyway, my duty call is done.
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Insider, you are right. Sacrifice connotes a mindset, the word should be ‘letting go’ instead.
Actually somehow I know. It’s just that knowing and practising are different things. And I am having problems practising it cos the ‘self’ is in the way. And that is my biggest struggle.
Think you know what I mean. -
it is emotional struggle…indeed…
I’ve a good DH. But MIL is very clingy…he is not the only son,but her fav son.Don’t stay together,but she calls extremely often. I try to control,try to ignore,try to compromise,try to understand…
Told myself,afterall,she is old n lonely(despite she stays wf elder son,DIL,with few grandchildren n good helper).she doesn’t nid to worry abt money n hsework…
Insider, u r right.It is difficult to stay calm…esp.when his phone rings non-stop n he has to throw me one side n entertain her. DH n me hardly hv chance to hv meal together without kids…probably once per yr…sometimes even none.I was left alone,having meal alone,while he was outside to receive her call n talked to her almost an hour or more…I endure…tolerant…tolerant…n hv to pretend a happy & "nothing" happen kinda look…coz i didn’t wanna spoil the mood.
Really…letting go is not easy
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