In-law problems?

[Funz]

janet_lee88:

Was informed by hub that his mother doesn't have any 'lai see'. Told him it is not the amount that matters...even if just $2...but if she doesn't have any 'lai see', then the suay one is her.

I learned long ago never to say such things to DH. No one likes their own family to be criticised no matter how bad they are. Even when MIL does something that appear to frustrate DH, I will assure him instead, that all is ok, no need to be so upset with the old folks. If I join in and rant against his mum, before I know it he will get defensive and I will be on the receiving end of his frustrations. Not worth it.

[ImMeeMee]

insider:

ImMeeMee, if you have tried your best to get along with your mum but your best isn’t good enough, then do the appropriate thing to arrange to shift out instead of seeing your two ends of candle also lighted and you may go crazy. Calm down and then plan rationally if you can (you shifted out permanently or if 3 to 5 years good enough for you?).

Once shifted out, you try to settle other more urgent things and to build your internal strength with the hope of returning to stay with them again.

If you manage to shift out, you have to treat your parents in law with double respect and care to ‘compensate’ the fact that you are ‘removing’ their son away from them (I don’t know what kind of people they are. Even if they are very ‘bad’ kind, you have to tolerate their nonsense when meet RESPECTFULLY after you shift out).

Ideally, you don’t shift out for the sole objective to escape (the moment you thinking that you can ‘escape’, then more problems will come your way. The moment you thinking of you want to grow your strength, the solutions will be on the way). Shifting out is more for you to have a bigger breathing space so that you can have some more energy to do whatever filial piety bit with / for your husband whenever is needed.

If your husband is the only son and your in laws are real old, then the matter will be more complicated coz that will not give you any choice but to continue to bite your tongue to try to figure out better ways to live along with them.

Best wishes…

Insider, thanks for your advice. Yes, things are complicated, and all the more so when we are in the midst of things and that blinds us. No solution at the moment, but still struggling internally to figure things out.

I believe in sacrifices for the benefit of the relationship, but I do wonder at times about sacrifices into a black hole ... afterall, I have not attained the stage where I am totally selfless yet.

BTW, I am also following your 桃花谈 which is also giving me some pointers on the things to think about.

Thanks.

[insider]

ImMeeMee:

I believe in sacrifices for the benefit of the relationship, but I do wonder at times about sacrifices into a black hole ... afterall, I have not attained the stage where I am totally selfless yet.

Emmm...the word 'sacrifice'...

Dont sacrifice coz it denotes a meaning of you are giving up your ownself for the sake of another.

YOU are the most important person that you have to take care of. If you are not at peace with yourself, nothing good will come your way.

We have to prioritise things and the 'I' is the most important one that we have to deal with.

If staying together let you go hurtful and you have no means to make yourself see light, then your 无明 can only grow bigger and your relationship with anyone in the family is unlikely to improve.

To 'retreat' to a better place with the objective of regaining your ground is the second best bet that you can take. It's not about selfish but rather for the sake of everyone.

Never 'sacrifice' as such feelings eat you up slowly and others are not supposed to gain by feeding on your blood and tears...

I tend to believe that you are a good woman somehow and good people will be 'awarded' positive points to see solutions if they can stop struggling...

I know sometimes I talk as if things are so simple though I know things are 'simple' to me but very tough for others. Just regain your 'calm' and then listen to your inner voice. The solutions really are easier to see if you can stop struggling...

[phtthp]

what is "无明" in English ?

[janet88]

surprisingly my hubby was pissed with his mother this time…anyway, my duty call is done.

[ImMeeMee]

Insider, you are right. Sacrifice connotes a mindset, the word should be ‘letting go’ instead.


Actually somehow I know. It’s just that knowing and practising are different things. And I am having problems practising it cos the ‘self’ is in the way. And that is my biggest struggle.

Think you know what I mean.

[vinegar]

it is emotional struggle…indeed…


I’ve a good DH. But MIL is very clingy…he is not the only son,but her fav son.Don’t stay together,but she calls extremely often. I try to control,try to ignore,try to compromise,try to understand…

Told myself,afterall,she is old n lonely(despite she stays wf elder son,DIL,with few grandchildren n good helper).she doesn’t nid to worry abt money n hsework…

Insider, u r right.It is difficult to stay calm…esp.when his phone rings non-stop n he has to throw me one side n entertain her. DH n me hardly hv chance to hv meal together without kids…probably once per yr…sometimes even none.I was left alone,having meal alone,while he was outside to receive her call n talked to her almost an hour or more…I endure…tolerant…tolerant…n hv to pretend a happy & "nothing" happen kinda look…coz i didn’t wanna spoil the mood.

Really…letting go is not easy

[vinegar]

"Dont sacrifice coz it denotes a meaning of you are giving up your ownself for the sake of another.


Is it worth to sacrifice if one can’t have more kid bcoz of inlaws? Due to DH cannot leave them aside.If MIL finds out, she’ll make trouble. So hv to give up our fertility treatment plan.

[vinegar]

now i am no longer enjoy going out wf DH even there is chance for us to go out as couple. Indeed it has created a strain in our r/s. We do things separately nowadays.Coz I no longer wanna share my thought or feelings wf him…knowing that he’ll share everything wf his mum. He seems doesn’t understand…coz he has lived wf his mum for the past 32yrs.He feels it is a norm for her to call everyday,he feels it is norm to share everything wf her.


I’ve to learn to accept it…even after 10yrs of marriage…i am still learning to accept.Coz he expects me to accept it.

I understand his difficulties.Coz if one day he ignores her mum’s call or doesn’t share his daily life wf her,she’ll be upset.

I would rather go out wf friends than wf DH nowadays.I would rather share my feelings wf my friends…I would rather do things alone,if i can’t find any friends.

[cherrygal]

yes, being married to a mama’s boy is no bed of roses… hang in there


But sometimes when I am in a generous mood, I will thank her in my heart for producing such a nice boy that takes good care of me… we just can’t get past the "self" at times, like what ImMeemee mentioned.