In-law problems?

[popireis]

sleepy:

Actually I would have :siam: immediately :nailbite: won't dare to consider marrying the son :nailbite:


My mum hinted to me to set right expectation from day 1. She shared countless times about a neighbour's daughter experience of being treated like a maid in her bf's house when they're not even married. Yet that neighbour's daughter still dutifully park herself at bf's house every weekend to help clean his house. That neighbour was super pissed with her daughter and her bf's family. True enough, after marriage, she is like the desinated maid for her dh's entire family. And when she come home complaining to her mum, her mum told her that was the expected outcome

After hearing that scary tale so many times, I dare not offer to do any housework whenever I visited my dh's (bf then) house. I tried not to visit too often too, only on special ocassion when invited. Must set expectation from day 1. And I never offer to wash dishes or clean up after dinner either. At most I bring my plate to the basin. Of course MIL writes me off as an incapable DIL but at least she has very low expectation of me in the domestic dept since day 1 :evil:

Hahaha dunno why I nvr :siam: at that time :rotflmao:

But I oso nvr do any housework for them la, only wash the dishes after dinner, even though I know MIL expected more than that. Even after marriage, and during the time when we stayed together, I oso still stick to washing dishes only :rotflmao:

Reason being I know what I do will NEVER meet her expectations, so no point trying too hard. And due to busy work schedule, plus looking after kids after work, where got time to do more? I leave the sweeping and mopping to DH (when we dun hv maid) :evil:

Doesn't your MIL complain about it? Mine broadcasted to all her relatives about my \"incapability\" to cook (I prefer western style cooking and it doesn't suit my MIL taste) and do housework and I oso kena from Grand-MIL and the 三姑六婆.

Now I have learnt to just ignore (they still bring this up every now & then and mocked my cooking though they have nvr tasted my cooking before). As long as my DC loves it, who cares about the rest!

[SAHM Chew]

sleepy:

popireis:

When I visited DH (then BF) house for the first time to have dinner, his mum (now my MIL) already expected me to clean the kitchen, toilet & wash the dishes after them.


I was taught from young, as a \"guest\", we should not be messing around other people's house as a form of courtesy, apparently in this case, I was wrong! I was the \"studious\" type, nvr done any housework my whole life in my mother's house. So I was young and innocently naive and did not know the \"expectations\" from my \"future\" MIL.

Thus when I didn't do as expected (I helped to wash the dishes after dinner but did not clean and mop the floor and wash the toilets), I was immediately given the cold treatment. And DH heard complaints from his mum after I left. From then on, she would always find faults with me le...

I am my mother's precious daughter, and my mum will feel heart-pain if she knows I am bring treated like a 'maid' in someone else's house. Would you ask your son's GF during her first visit to clean, mop the floor and wash the toilets for you? Would you want your own daughter to be treated like a 'maid'?

己所不欲，勿施于人.

I always tell my DH, I think wat his mum need is not DILs but Maids. All her sons should marry maids....

Actually I would have :siam: immediately :nailbite: won't dare to consider marrying the son :nailbite:

My mum hinted to me to set right expectation from day 1. She shared countless times about a neighbour's daughter experience of being treated like a maid in her bf's house when they're not even married. Yet that neighbour's daughter still dutifully park herself at bf's house every weekend to help clean his house. That neighbour was super pissed with her daughter and her bf's family. True enough, after marriage, she is like the desinated maid for her dh's entire family. And when she come home complaining to her mum, her mum told her that was the expected outcome

After hearing that scary tale so many times, I dare not offer to do any housework whenever I visited my dh's (bf then) house. I tried not to visit too often too, only on special ocassion when invited. Must set expectation from day 1. And since I'm the guest, I never offer to wash dishes or clean up after dinner either (although I think out of politeness I should offer but I really dare not start). At most I bring my plate to the basin. Of course MIL writes me off as an incapable DIL but at least she has very low expectation of me in the domestic dept since day 1 :evil:

I am also sort of expected to do the housework for my ILs as we stayed together. Initially, I did whatever I can as we are staying in a landed house, therefore, I try to help out in area which I did not use. Eg, living room, dining room, and even painting the exterior of the house, gate, cleaning of the whole level one ( wiping all the doors, windows, packing the whole kitchen) before CNY as nobody (mil, sil) are not willing to clean although they used the place everyday.
But after the huge quarrel with MIL in 2011, I kept my distance, although we are still staying together. 2012 CNY, ILs, SIL expected me to do my duties as what I have done every year before the huge quarrel, to clean up the house and painted the house. I did not do that.
This year, they knew that I will not do it, therefore, they ask the cleaning aunty to come over and clean.
In my opinion, I felt that I should just do my job, to look after the kids, n not be a maid to them. Once I started to be the maid, I am expected to do it.
Now, I realized that since I kept my distance, there are less issues.

[Imami]

sleepy:

MMM:

I felt sad as my auntie is a very nice lady. I wondered if things would have been different if she had stayed with her son... This incident made me have a different view of things. We are staying with pils but my parents are on their own since I am the only child. I told my dh that I don't think I would allow my parent to stay alone especially if one has passed on.


I told my dc that we should treasure our loved ones. This applies to grandparents. They should not be rude/ take them for granted and instead should be appreciative as we never know when they would suddenly leave us. It would be too late to regret when things happen.

Yes, no matter what wrong or grievances in the past 别太计较.
Our ILs are afterall aged.

MIL lives with BIL after FIL passed away to help babysit their kids. But couple years back she was 'kicked out' by SIL when they don't need her 'service' anymore so she quietly moved back to her own flat.

MIL's relative is currently free loading in her house on weekdays. Relative returned to Malaysia on weekends. Although not paying rental, the plus point is at least there's someone around on weekday evenings. On weekends she will be home alone though so dh will call every weekend to check on her

My mum always tell us - 不要计较, 不要比较,最好是不要呱呱叫

[vinegar]

In my opinion, I felt that I should just do my job, to look after the kids, n not be a maid to them. Once I started to be the maid, I am expected to do it.


:goodpost:

[vinegar]

sometx i feel my son treats me as her maid.He always throws his dirty socks to me n ask me to wash…


DH also expects me to cook everyday…like a maid…

Hmm…muz learn 不要计较.

[SAHM Chew]

And although I stayed with my ILs n SIL, MIL never help me to look after my 3 kids. Claiming that she did not know how to look after them as she did not look after her own kids until 5 years old.


I have no problem with that, but I have problems with her unhygienic issues, eg. Placing shoes on dining tables, using table cloth to wipe my kids’s shirts…
And when I am teaching my kids, she likes to interrupt , and give comments like " don’t need to force the kids lah, if he can study, then he will study, if cannot study, then don’t force" my boy was only k2 at that time… And she tells this in front of him… Excuse me, to me, every child is bright, just that they can be lazy, so if he is lazy n you encourage it, doesn’t it make the matter worst? And when I ask her to look after the kids (k1) when they are doing homework, while I am doing housework or cooking, my kids been lazy, will kick up a fuss and refused to do as they know that the grandma will excuse them, while me, the mother on the other hand, will not tolerate any nonsense from them. My MIL hold their small hand and write the words for them, the easy way out.
From that time onwards, I never ask my MIL to look after them, when they need to do any school work.

[popireis]

sleepy:

She didn't oppose her son courting me though. She thought I'm a good catch for her son because of my many paper qualifications & perceived earning power. But she didn't count on me becoming a SAHM that's why started picking on me after I quit my job aiyo I had a lot of hard time during those years Fortunately 都是过去的事 now she more or less resigned to accept my non income generating status. I'm grateful

Oh during those few years when I was a SAHM, I was nitpicked by her non-stop! I oso suffered the most during those years. Later I realised she was not happy about my non income generation too. She even said I am not fit to be PT maid cos I can't do housework well if not I can work PT to supplement my DH income. For that, DH stood up for me and said why should I be PT maid with my qualifications? I am grateful to him for that.

Now that I am back in the workforce and gaining \"status\" (as she sees it), she is showing some \"respect\" and had been nicer to me since.

[vinegar]

conflict of interests btw MIL n DIL…is always hard to manage.


My mum stays wf my bro…she nvr interfere how her DIL manages her 3kids.If she not happy wf her shouting,she’ll divert her attn by staying in her room,or go out.

She goes out with her frds during wkend…she does all the cooking wf help fr. maid.

how my SIL communicate wf my mum? Using notes.She’ll paste a note on the fridge(states if she or her kids will be back for meal or not).They seldom talk…so less communicate,less conflict.

[sleepy]

vinegar:

sometx i feel my son treats me as her maid.He always throws his dirty socks to me n ask me to wash.....


DH also expects me to cook everyday..like a maid...

Hmm....muz learn 不要计较.

Cannot 不计较. Must set right expectation from day 1 too :evil:
I always reinforce to my kids must treat me like the empress & not the maid. Dh too.
Told them I didn't sign up to be a maid.

Whenever we go grocery shopping & if there aren't that many bags to carry that they couldn't manage, I will let dh and kids carry all the shopping bags. The first few times dd1 will ask 'mummy why are you not taking anything?' and my model answer is always 'that's the purpose of having husband and children so that I don't have to do labour work' Now she doesn't even ask, just quietly grab her share of bags

[vinegar]

when we first got married,i used to say,"dear,why not u ask ur mum to come?" I didn’t know my MIL was so sensitive to the words:"your mum"…


Then she told my DH," ask ur wife"…

then my poor DH is sandwich btw:ask ur wife n ask ur mum…

Then i slowly changed to "ask ma"…

Until now,my SIL (my own bro’s wife) still says,"ur mum,ur sister" to my bro.Nothing happen…my mum & me also bo chap…That’s why i feel more ease going to my mum’s pl.