In-law problems?
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vinegar:
While we should not bear grudges against the old folks and respect them for they are our elders. We should not lose our 'self' as well.sometx i feel my son treats me as her maid.He always throws his dirty socks to me n ask me to wash.....
DH also expects me to cook everyday..like a maid...
Hmm....muz learn 不要计较.
I've never been outrightly rude nor do I ignore my ILs but there is no way they will be able to make me feel like a maid.
MIL gave me a list of 'how tos' and that included brewing nourishing soup for DH and how he likes his coffee, etc. I say thank you very much and I will try them out some time. I will wash the dishes after dinner but don't expect me to sweep and mop.
If DH takes me for granted, he will run out of clean underwear.
As for kids, well, you want your clothes washed, you jolly well put them in the laundry basket. They are expected to be polite and show deference to their elders and that includes our helper. -
vinegar:
Now that you say I realise our strange habit .when we first got married,i used to say,\"dear,why not u ask ur mum to come?\" I didn't know my MIL was so sensitive to the words:\"your mum\"......
Then she told my DH,\" ask ur wife\".....
then my poor DH is sandwich btw:ask ur wife n ask ur mum......
Then i slowly changed to \"ask ma\"....
Until now,my SIL (my own bro's wife) still says,\"ur mum,ur sister\" to my bro.Nothing happen....my mum & me also bo chap....That's why i feel more ease going to my mum's pl.
During our conversations, DH always refers to his mom as my mother-in-law( we have a word for it) and my mom as his mother-in-law, as in
\" Did you check with your mother-in-law regarding the dates?\" or
\"My mother-in-law cooks the best pasta\"
And i do the same. Actually for Bil too.
While we did not start out purposely, it was more of a fun thing after marriage , i believe it has a subliminal effect on our bonding with each others family. -
I also refer to MIL as ‘your mum’ to DH. We both address our mums as mummy so if we say mummy, that will lead to ‘your mum or mine?’. As for SIL and her DH, I will refer to them by name.
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Funz:
:salute:
While we should not bear grudges against the old folks and respect them for they are our elders. We should not lose our 'self' as well.
I've never been outrightly rude nor do I ignore my ILs but there is no way they will be able to make me feel like a maid.
It takes great self esteem to realise that. :salute:
MIL gave me a list of 'how tos' and that included brewing nourishing soup for DH and how he likes his coffee, etc. I say thank you very much and I will try them out some time. I will wash the dishes after dinner but don't expect me to sweep and mop.
If DH takes me for granted, he will run out of clean underwear.
Good for you :rahrah:
As for kids, well, you want your clothes washed, you jolly well put them in the laundry basket. They are expected to be polite and show deference to their elders and that includes our helper.
Funz, I wanted to do that when I read your post a few days ago but I am typing handicapped on on iphone/ipad.
So now here I go :udawoman:
I wish I had your wisdom when i started out my life as a DIL. I learnt along the way , the vagaries of people and our unintentional expectations . Not that I have much regret , but I could have saved some heart pain and scars if only I had the big picture firmly in mind.
So your words should help many :xedfingers:
Grandparental love is one of the treasures for children ( and vice versa) , hard to find an alternative to that. :snuggles:
I now have to take the pain to explain to DH , my mil's actions. Not that I agree with it, but I still defend it, and try to show him her action from her perspective. It can be painful at times as sometimes I am the brunt of her actions. I have to constantly remind him, he may not agree with her, she may be wrong, but he should talk to her as an adult and not be mad at her. She is his mother dammit!
Sometimes i grumble to him that I should be the one grumbling, and he should be the one convincing. oh well,
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Agree with Funz.
请神容易,送神难
Important to over-manage the relationship with ILs from the beginning to set the tone and expectations right, otherwise it can become very difficult later on. Some husbands can manage both mother and wife well but some cannot even see the tension simmering before their eyes. -
If DH takes me for granted, he will run out of clean underwear.
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Unfortunately,DH washes his own underwear
But...if DH makes me angry,he'll survive on maggi mee for few days.
Kids will DH,\"Mum's kitchen will close for a week.\"
Still give up after 2days,heartpain to see him eating maggi mee :sad: .He knows my weakness. -
While we should not bear grudges against the old folks and respect them for they are our elders. We should not lose our 'self' as well.
totally agree...difficult to do....oredi started as \"maid\"...too humble n submissive for few yrs....now difficult to switch...esp...hv been SAHM for yrs,financially depend on DH.
At times,I also feel slowly lose my identity.Hv been few yrs didn't go catch up wf frds.DH gives permit to go,but no time,no heart....Keep thinking all the things which r undone at home....clothes hvn't ironed,kids' homework,hvn't marinate the chicken...etc...Sound silly,right? :oops: -
Sun_2010:
Wah paiseh. I was not that wise lah. I had my fair share of ranting at ILs too and there were arguments with DH over them as well. But I realize soon enuf that the ones who were suffering were DH n I. Well actually more of just 'I' cos men being men, they tune out pretty easily. And I am left to stew.
:salute:Funz:
While we should not bear grudges against the old folks and respect them for they are our elders. We should not lose our 'self' as well.
I've never been outrightly rude nor do I ignore my ILs but there is no way they will be able to make me feel like a maid.
It takes great self esteem to realise that. :salute:
MIL gave me a list of 'how tos' and that included brewing nourishing soup for DH and how he likes his coffee, etc. I say thank you very much and I will try them out some time. I will wash the dishes after dinner but don't expect me to sweep and mop.
If DH takes me for granted, he will run out of clean underwear.
Good for you :rahrah:
As for kids, well, you want your clothes washed, you jolly well put them in the laundry basket. They are expected to be polite and show deference to their elders and that includes our helper.
Funz, I wanted to do that when I read your post a few days ago but I am typing handicapped on on iphone/ipad.
So now here I go :udawoman:
I wish I had your wisdom when i started out my life as a DIL. I learnt along the way , the vagaries of people and our unintentional expectations . Not that I have much regret , but I could have saved some heart pain and scars if only I had the big picture firmly in mind.
So your words should help many :xedfingers:
Grandparental love is one of the treasures for children ( and vice versa) , hard to find an alternative to that. :snuggles:
I now have to take the pain to explain to DH , my mil's actions. Not that I agree with it, but I still defend it, and try to show him her action from her perspective. It can be painful at times as sometimes I am the brunt of her actions. I have to constantly remind him, he may not agree with her, she may be wrong, but he should talk to her as an adult and not be mad at her. She is his mother dammit!
Sometimes i grumble to him that I should be the one grumbling, and he should be the one convincing. oh well,
My parents too were exceptional. They kept reminding me, come home and talk to us. Rant to us if you must but dun bring all these back to your husband and never be disrespectful towards them. We did not raise you to be such.
So I guess while there is no need to bend over backwards to please them, we still have to do our due diligence as a DILs. Make it easy for our husbands to stand on our side. -
vinegar:
You need to be well in order for things to be well at home. No harm or damage will be done if you skip the housework or homework occasionally.While we should not bear grudges against the old folks and respect them for they are our elders. We should not lose our 'self' as well.
totally agree...difficult to do....oredi started as \"maid\"...too humble n submissive for few yrs....now difficult to switch...esp...hv been SAHM for yrs,financially depend on DH.
At times,I also feel slowly lose my identity.Hv been few yrs didn't go catch up wf frds.DH gives permit to go,but no time,no heart....Keep thinking all the things which r undone at home....clothes hvn't ironed,kids' homework,hvn't marinate the chicken...etc...Sound silly,right? :oops:
The objective of being a SAHM is to ensure the well-being of children, and this can only be achieved by you taking care of yourself well. The priority should not be housework. This is my humble opinion. -
Our mental well-being is very important.
We should try not to be affected by unhappy incidents or problematic people.
Prioritize…do not be a slave to the housework or the house. Easier said than done…I feel so frustrated at times.
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