In-law problems?
-
auntieM:
Recount the freak incident to him the following day.Winth.....your road crossing incident was scary :scared:
Heng all is well.
DH: Just got to take care of our children ourselves. Can't trust others. -
millan:
Sometimes I do pause and think, how will my relationship be with with my future DIL when I am. By then I am considered an educated MIL, how will I behave? Do I want to take care of my grandson? Do want to stay with them ? ho my hubby wld love to) If they go tour w/o me, will I be angry? If they go pathology, will I be angry? If they e to eat out and dun eat with me, will I be angry?
Being more educated , will I demand more or will I be more understanding?
Actually MIL and DIL relationship is not easy, easy for MIL and Son In lw but not MIL and DIL. Not sure if you all notice, the trend is to stay with your mum but not MIL...
my MIL is an educated MIL, she holds a degree and is a mensa member. so am I. But I was treated like an eighteen mother who knows nothing under the sun. She is prejudised against me, thinking that I am not a good mother and I can't teach my kids well. She thinks highly of herself and thought that the world revolves around her - she is the empress dowager of the house.
I'm not defending myself - I may not be the perfect DIL who will knee and serve MIL tea every morning, and be around to do her bidding. I do have my own mind, fiercely independent and am able to deduce and conclude well too. But when the time comes for me to be a MIL, I don;t want to stay with them. I want my kids to be happy and to be on their own. i've suffered so many years, i don;t want my kids to have the same problem as me so many years ago. i want to have a peaceful relationship with my DILs!
milan,
to answer your questions:
1. my MIL does not really look after my kids - they are ranked the lowest in her list of priorities. For example, my mum went for surgery recently and can't help me look after the kids (with maid's help) on her 'duty days'. my MIL told us, in front of hb of course, that no problem, she will stay in the house to help us keep an eye on the kids. then on monday, she told me that she has to go malaysia to meet up with her sister and go fishing. will leave on wed and back only on sunday. luckily i'm able to apply for urgent leave and put my DS1 to emergency child care for days that I couldn't with my DD2.
my take - i will not want to look after the grandkids full time. but should the need arise, i will help out. I tell myself that i have to be grateful if my kids' MILs are willing to help out with the child-caring and the giving the grandkids the best care possible. and i will be responsible - to keep my promise and not back out. just the opp of my own MIL
2. nope, not staying with the married kids. they will stay on their own and take charge of their own families. when their kids come, i hope they will be great parents themselves.
3. we travel with our parents. In fact, we travel more times with PIL then with my own parents and we do pay for them too. so for this one, i hope that my kids and their family will be able to spend time with us and prob take turns to travel with us once a year or two. but i won't dare to hope too much... afterall, there's also a generaton gap later on.
4. dining - we dine with my PIL almost every day, since we stay together. even weekends, PIL also think that we have to dine with them. not much chance to dine with my own parents. If we have to dine with my parents, i have to have solid reasons. -
3Boys:
... 2) Who defends the voiceless? Pack mentality kicks in quickly when there is an easy target like an MIL. Torn to shreds in a forum? All harmless fun yes....? ...
I don't suppose you would classify mine under tearing one to shreds?
My issues are SO real and for me, i'm just over and beyond everything.
All i want is my life back, where i can be my happy-go-lucky self, get to
wear shorts and be bra-less in my own nook, bring my friends, family &
relatives over for makan and catch up without having the \"how-dare-you-
bring-people-into-MY-house-without-MY-permission\" kinda look and not
having to hear her literally talking about me \"loudly\" behind closed doors
or make snide remarks abt me and my family (ie. my parents), or having
to constantly bear with pretense and sarcasm when i haven't even done
anything bad, harmful or deadly to deserve any kind of mistreatment for
the past how many years? *pant* *pant*
The worst is trying so hard so many times to make me and hubs have our
big arguments... i really don't appreciate her antagonizing and provoking..
not to mention over-interfering... or telling my children that i don't love
them... or any other thing! Since i don't get to have her to be like a
mom to me, all i want is out! She doesn't like me. But she doesn't want to
let me go! Doesn't want to let us get out of this house! I've been trying my
darnest best to be as respectful a DIL as i could manage and not without
difficulty or some bit of retaliation when things get too much... I understand
her need to be demanding or authoritative but not when i'm doing fine
managing my household and my children, right? I just listen when she
sarcastically puts her advice across... I just listen when she nags at me
at how fine she raised her son and how no one can take her place... I
just listen and silently cry when she tries to come up with ways for us
to quarrel with one another... I just let her gossip about me to other
people since my conscience is clear... I make effort to cook and share
what i have so that she doesn't need to rush to cook after work just for
her and FIL to eat... Being an ex-nurse, i medicate her and massage her
(if she paiseh i get my girls to massage her) when she is not feeling well
and having those bouts of her chronic asthma... Each time i pray i will add
her in my prayers, asking God to soften her heart with me... I tried. I
swear i did.
So, i'm really not here to poke fun at her or my situation. All i want is a
venue to know i can *gulp* safely rant, since i dun like to tell real
people my problems (also partly not to embarrass my own family - well
she is family too since i married her son, right?) so i am just darned
stress that i still hafta soldier on day after day after day, just not being
my true happy self. I have to constantly be guarded. I don't understand
the need why.... when this roof over my head is supposed to be home...
my home... our home (as hubs puts it). I just think it's a house. For all
this time, there have been too many unhappy memories in this house,
easily over-weighing the happy ones and i just get depressed even trying
to reflect on it.
Do advise, honestly, if anyone here thinks i don't and i should not speak
here in the name of purely letting my heart out. So that i minimize the
risk of losing my sanity. Or losing total respect hence going totally berserk
one day.... whichever comes first.
ChiefKiasu:
Mebbe not just justifying themselves but dueling one another in a publicAssuming that KiasuParents.com survive another 10 to 20 years, there will MILs aplenty to defend themselves here :siam: .
forum. Yikes! :siam: Thank God for girls.
-
winth:
Ain't \"others\" referring also to his mommy? :siam:
Recount the freak incident to him the following day.auntieM:
Winth.....your road crossing incident was scary :scared:
Heng all is well.
DH: Just got to take care of our children ourselves. Can't trust others. -
winth:
winth,CNY coming.
SIL bec she is now married out so had to have CNY dinners with her own in-laws. So, now reunion dinner is changed to reunion lunch and I'm free from the reunion dinner with PIL.
After struggling for so many years on how we should arrange reunion dinners, finally, and thanks to SIL, now I get to have reunion dinner with my parents.
Last time, CNY was like dat:
- CNY eve, eat reunion dinner at MIL place as a family
- Day 1, eat dinner at MIL's elder sis place with her relatives*
- Day 2, eat dinner at MIL place together with her relatives* (she's ranked number 2 among the sisters)
- Day 3, eat dinner at MIL's younger sis place with her relatives*
*same batch of relatives
I'm no one's daughter and FIL doesn't get to eat dinner with his own relatives. Only first day of CNY, morning is allocated for him to visit his elder brother.
Last CNY, lagi worse, went for Malaysia trip with her side relatives to Cameron (nightmare trip), back home by Day 1 evening. Day 2 supposed to follow the above schedule, and was told that we just need to pay respects to my parents on Day 2 lunch hour.
you win liao! and you go with it?? :shock:
my MIL also treats me like I'm no one's daughter and we have to follow her's and her daughter's schedule. cos only her daugher and herself has a mother and no one else has a mother leh... -
buds:
buds,3Boys:
... 2) Who defends the voiceless? Pack mentality kicks in quickly when there is an easy target like an MIL. Torn to shreds in a forum? All harmless fun yes....? ...
I don't suppose you would classify mine under tearing one to shreds?
My issues are SO real and for me, i'm just over and beyond everything.
All i want is my life back, where i can be my happy-go-lucky self, get to
wear shorts and be bra-less in my own nook, bring my friends, family &
relatives over for makan and catch up without having the \"how-dare-you-
bring-people-into-MY-house-without-MY-permission\" kinda look and not
having to hear her literally talking about me \"loudly\" behind closed doors
or make snide remarks abt me and my family (ie. my parents), or having
to constantly bear with pretense and sarcasm when i haven't even done
anything bad, harmful or deadly to deserve any kind of mistreatment for
the past how many years? *pant* *pant*
The worst is trying so hard so many times to make me and hubs have our
big arguments... i really don't appreciate her antagonizing and provoking..
not to mention over-interfering... or telling my children that i don't love
them... or any other thing! Since i don't get to have her to be like a
mom to me, all i want is out! She doesn't like me. But she doesn't want to
let me go! Doesn't want to let us get out of this house! I've been trying my
darnest best to be as respectful a DIL as i could manage and not without
difficulty or some bit of retaliation when things get too much... I understand
her need to be demanding or authoritative but not when i'm doing fine
managing my household and my children, right? I just listen when she
sarcastically puts her advice across... I just listen when she nags at me
at how fine she raised her son and how no one can take her place... I
just listen and silently cry when she tries to come up with ways for us
to quarrel with one another... I just let her gossip about me to other
people since my conscience is clear... I make effort to cook and share
what i have so that she doesn't need to rush to cook after work just for
her and FIL to eat... Being an ex-nurse, i medicate her and massage her
(if she paiseh i get my girls to massage her) when she is not feeling well
and having those bouts of her chronic asthma... Each time i pray i will add
her in my prayers, asking God to soften her heart with me... I tried. I
swear i did.
So, i'm really not here to poke fun at her or my situation. All i want is a
venue to know i can *gulp* safely rant, since i dun like to tell real
people my problems (also partly not to embarrass my own family - well
she is family too since i married her son, right?) so i am just darned
stress that i still hafta soldier on day after day after day, just not being
my true happy self. I have to constantly be guarded. I don't understand
the need why.... when this roof over my head is supposed to be home...
my home... our home (as hubs puts it). I just think it's a house. For all
this time, there have been too many unhappy memories in this house,
easily over-weighing the happy ones and i just get depressed even trying
to reflect on it.
Do advise, honestly, if anyone here thinks i don't and i should not speak
here in the name of purely letting my heart out. So that i minimize the
risk of losing my sanity. Or losing total respect hence going totally berserk
one day.... whichever comes first.ChiefKiasu:
Mebbe not just justifying themselves but dueling one another in a publicAssuming that KiasuParents.com survive another 10 to 20 years, there will MILs aplenty to defend themselves here :siam: .
forum. Yikes! :siam: Thank God for girls.
i understand you fully. our situation is almost similar except we have maids to help out with the household chores.
maids - my MIL trust her maid and sayang her much more then my kids and us. She will listen to the maid - including all the untrues and nonsense and quarell with me... how's that?
3boys,
Respect is earned, not given. when we meet any elders, we will respect them, no matter who they are and what they do. that includes my MIL. But when they start to be unreasonable, bitchy, undependable, doesn't show respect to others and even mocking their own DILs infront of others... then the ''respect account'' in the 'bank' will be withdrawn bit by bit. sooner and later, this account will have to be closed due to deficit balance!
generation gap, there sure is one. but give some benefits to the younger generation that they may do a good job although its via a different way. have to give space and time to the younger generation too. Respect the younger generation too! -
Speaking of the nearing CNY, i frankly do not mind festivities and
gatherings. I excel in it just because my conscience is crystal clear.
I make effort to acknowledge everyone in the family and make effort
to call everyone by the name that they're called within the family. This
is one time MIL will pretend that everything's almost fine especially in the
presence of the men... cousins, uncles, her ILs' side... I find that i thrive in
a big group setting being simply put - that i am a very people person.
I take pride in knowing what each aunt likes to do in her free time, which
uncle likes which TV programme, which grandpa likes which kind of food
(i'll cook it) and which cousins like what, so i can mingle fairly with each
and every one of them (be it sports, BGRs, school, (etc) within one short
gathering.
I enjoy being around people. I enjoy being around family. Even if it's just
during that one gathering... I get to be myself. We will all catch up, enjoy
good makan and everything's nice and well with everybody. I don't even
care anymore that MIL has to bitch about her issues with me (as if really
have... :roll:) cause i know it is during these kinda family reunions
everyone else gets to see me for who i am. I don't pretend to be
someone i'm not and i never do.
I engage everyone in conversation with my silly banter or talk politics
and heavy stuff with those who like it that way... I make the guests
laugh... remember the names of their children and grandchildren... where
they stay and what they still do. The educator side of me handles most of
the children well and at times i have a group of children automatically
sitting around me listening to me casually talking about something which
is actually nothing but is interesting to the small children... I help out with
the serving of the feast and also with cleaning up the table. I am involved.
I am part of this family and i want to be remembered as family... while i
still can at least.
For me, i look forward to festivities and any form of family gatherings...
unlike hubs. :politebleah: He will try to wriggle his way out of even any
mention of one. :siam: Truth be told, i have the list of addresses for all
the family members and their contact numbers. Aunties have asked that
i call them or visit them once in awhile, don't hafta wait for gatherings or
festivities to meet up. I told hubs if he always tai-chi his way out of these
meet ups, next time no one will remember him esp the older ones.
Or worse no one might turn up for his funeral! :!:
Even sometimes when he has to work, my girls and i will join MIL with her
rounds. This SIL wud never even think of doing... SIL asked how i managed
and i truthfully told her, i don't mind as i am usually the one who initiates
that we check on the old folks once a while. SIL does get irritated at times
when the relatives dun even remember her name, while i get big hugs at
the door and called by name or nicknames. She'll ask, \"Wah, you all seem
to know each other very well hor..\" At that, i usually just tell her, \"They're
all family, sis.\" Now smile... :hugs: -
tree nymph:
Wah, pei-fu! :udawoman:3boys,
Respect is earned, not given. when we meet any elders, we will respect them, no matter who they are and what they do. that includes my MIL. But when they start to be unreasonable, bitchy, undependable, doesn't show respect to others and even mocking their own DILs infront of others... then the ''respect account'' in the 'bank' will be withdrawn bit by bit. sooner and later, this account will have to be closed due to deficit balance!
generation gap, there sure is one. but give some benefits to the younger generation that they may do a good job although its via a different way. have to give space and time to the younger generation too. Respect the younger generation too!
Can even explain in banking terms leh.. :salute: -
CNY is coming soon, but i've no mood for it... have not started getting the festive goodies and not remotely interested to get the new notes and collecting different angbao from the diff banks...
something happened when i was 7 mths preg with #2. I stayed over at my mum's place on friday and went back on saturday. it was near to CNY and the maid has got the instructions to clean up the house. My MIL was saying that there's not enough hangers in the house and kept asking me to get it. only thing is i was quite busy and was also waiting for hb to go market to get it together. (actually, MIL has her own car and knows how to drive perfectly, but didn't want to get the hangers but wanted me to do it cos she doesn't want to waste her time getting them). that saturday, i came back to a very messy cupboard. my clothes were hang in the hangers but they looked very untidy. when i took one hanger out, i realized that there are at least 3-4 piece of blouses in one hanger and the blouses are facing different directions and some are crumpled. i was :!: ! one by one, i pulled out the hangers and some of the blouses on the hanger dropped and i was crying and getting angry at the same time.
maybe my hormones were acting up then too lah, but i cried and cried and asked the maid what have she done to my cupboard and my clothes. she told me that my MIL asked her to clear up my cupboard - just throw some clothes away since i can't use my normal clothes and am wearing preggy clothes hence can free up the hangers. i was like :x :x :x
i felt like packing everything into a suitcase, take my DS1 and leave. while i was still debating if its a case of miscommunication between the maid and MIL, my FIL sheepishly informed me that he heard the instructions given to the maid from MIL and it was waht the maid had done! :!:
MIL has one extra 3 door full size cupboard FILLED with her old working clothes which are more then 10 years old hanging. why didn't she clear some of it? why did she touch my stuff???
:nunchuk: -
buds:
hemmhemm...
Wah, pei-fu! :udawoman:tree nymph:
3boys,
Respect is earned, not given. when we meet any elders, we will respect them, no matter who they are and what they do. that includes my MIL. But when they start to be unreasonable, bitchy, undependable, doesn't show respect to others and even mocking their own DILs infront of others... then the ''respect account'' in the 'bank' will be withdrawn bit by bit. sooner and later, this account will have to be closed due to deficit balance!
generation gap, there sure is one. but give some benefits to the younger generation that they may do a good job although its via a different way. have to give space and time to the younger generation too. Respect the younger generation too!
Can even explain in banking terms leh.. :salute:
:evil:
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