In-law problems?
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Hi AutumnBronze, Thanks...I'm struggling to make more time online here. Still trying. hehe.
2ppaamm, Picolo, Tree Nymph...wah, u ladies are 100% understanding and very generous. I'm perhaps the self-confessed devil. I totally believe they love my son...on the other extreme, so do child-abusers and criminals who commit 'crimes' on their loved ones. Some people don't know how to love the 'right' way (not saying My way is THE way) or in my case, within perimeters and also, they are loving him for their Self-Gratification. I cannot bring myself to just see the superficial of all these incidents as everything has an underlying interpretation. To cut the long story short, hubby finally spoke to MIL and guess what? The story is now shortened to just the fact that I disallowed PIL to spend time with my son. I refused to let them bring him to Mac. FIL totally did not register my conversation to him abt the car seat. He just told MIL that i said NO. This story is now the Fact. In cases when it's their word against mine, I know I'll never win. Better to just stay dumb, play the devil and hope they don't hate me so much. What can I say?buds:
While the suggestions from most wud be that in future a car seat be in[quote].......get another car seat for your FIL's car.
place in the ILs car to avoid future and prolonged issue with regards to
car safety based on the car seat preference...
Getting the ILs a new car seat for the boy is only about a quarter of the
problem solved in surfermom's case. On the day, this blatant display of
drama unfolded... there were indeed three ways to work round it.
1. Ask the ILs to drive to Mac's in surfermom's/surfermom DH's car,
since the car seat is in place...
2. Remove the car seat from surfermom's/surfermom DH's car and
fix it in the ILs car instead... ( if they aren't used to driving someone
else's car )...
3. Get Mac's to deliver.
Again, this would've only solved ONLY the issue for that day..treenymph:
Reading into surfermom's recent posting and the ones before, i personally....... BUT I also think you have to talk to both of them about lying to you. Tell them that kids learn from adults and if they are doing this, they are not setting a good example to the kids. If its to me, the lying part is more serious then the safety part. but talk to them properly.
have the feeling, through her sharings of course, that her kinda ILs are
beyond the talking and discussing phase. Especially since it ain't their 1st
time doing something which is outright opposite of the mother's wishes...
What more to talk to them about their lying to her. :shock:
I wud think that they'd think she was ill-bred. And that wud evoke yet
another unwanted eruption. While i agree that what they did isn't a
good example, there isn't a place with such people where one can sit
down and 'talk properly' cos honestly... i've been there. Cause in the
1st place the DIL has no place in family hierarchy to begin with..
While it is fine to overlook some trivial issues where baby is concerned..
safety issues are important.. health issues are important.. respect issues
are also equally important though hard to seep through. Getting a very
reluctant husband to the talking does make it worse cos there won't be
any conviction in what he wud say to his parents, hence making him the
victim in both sides of the party.. making him the least fun person to have
for the next few hours, days or even weeks cos he's been made to do
something beyond his will. Like many have cited, being a son or dotter
to their parents, there's this shadow of a stamp over both eyes where
due trust is natural.. and whatever one does is normal.. and definitely
not an issue. They just won't see things the way another person does
in a big deal.
Mebbe some wud not agree with me and my views on this but... for me,
i wud rather not come to the point where i would be too late... i cannot.[/quote]Buds really nailed it! They just CANNOT see from another perspective apart from theirs. For everything they did, they really thought that they were doing me a Big Favour! MIL felt maligned, she said she was trying to help me, hence sending maid over when we are out (she has our keys), she comes over to 'check', she will suddenly appear in front of me to play with my son etc. She thinks she's very noble and often says she must be the best MIL in the world. She says she's such a great person but why must she suffer? Sounds familiar? After hubby asked her to return the keys and to call before she comes. She said they will feel paiseh to hv to call before coming. She's SAD that I don't allow her to spend time with my son and having to call before coming means she will come less. Now, I just don't understand how calling before coming is more paiseh than suddenly appearing in my face at 8+am (me still in PJs). U see, this is really their perspective and they cannot understand the rest of the world's reasoning that it IS common practice / courtesy to call someone b4 going to their home (even if it means having keys). How to talk to them?
As Buds says, they prob think i'm ill bred for having such 'rules' and for being ungrateful. However, I've been enduring all these sudden appearances for years. When my baby was much younger and 100% on BM, she'll suddenly appear behind me when I'm breastfeeding him on the sofa (i'm still breastfeeding but no such issue now). Yet they never thought that they are ill bred but it's always me for suddenly now showing my black-face. It's because I've enough.
I might be more particular about safety/health (like Buds) than some moms. This is cos I know what is danger. I've done extreme sports for half my life, had close shaves, seeking danger...thank God i'm still in one piece. I endeavour to impart to my son a keen understanding of where danger lurks (let's say certain types of waves, certain seas etc) etc. However, I will not condone straightforward asking-for-it danger like no seatbelt, no car seat etc. My hub did say to buy a car seat for them but i said no, why should we buy for them? Even if they have one, it doesn't mean I'm going to let my son go everywhere with them. This is due to alot of BAD VIBES from them that I really don't feel comfortable letting my son out of sight and into their care. Call me possessive, I think I am. I actually don't need 'rest' fr my son. To me, 24/7 is not enough even tho' I'm already spending 24/7 with him. I take it upon me to bring him to work, to all my appointments, deliveries etc. My stand is that my child is MY responsibility (parents) and not grandparents. I've never disallowed them from spending time with him but it's now miscontrued this way. Ya, imagine me telling them abt the lying bit. They will be like 'huh?' they will think i'm accusing them of lying (which is what they did, right?) but to them, it's NOT lying, they were bringing him for a walk...just a little further, that's all. Why am I so petty and accusative?
I shudder to think what else they'll say abt me behind my back esp when my new SIL (BIL's new wife) is the all-dutiful great DIL, fair, gentle, 'yes-girl' and hardly any opinion abt anything who stays with them. About the gate which MIL didn't lock, hubs said she did not remember not locking. Her word against mine. Nothing more to say. If ever something happens to my son and 'furry son' (dog), like the other ladies said, cannot forgive and cannot forget!!! This goes for the cutting-his-hair episode too. If the scissors had gone into his eye, how to forgive? She was only trying to help me, right? Help that is beyond limits and unasked for is not just 'kay poh' but also 'yue bang yue mang'. -
shine_fs:
To be fair, give me a little more time, more wisdom I really will forgive. But to forget is not possible. I guess I can only look back (like 2ppaamm) and think certain things. IF we can always live like this (On Hindsight...I SHOULD HAVE done this, that), then we will never make mistakes, no regrets, plus, I would hv won 4D a thousand times!
True lor how to do that when we are the one gets hurt so badly........Emelyn:
How to forgive ? How to forget ?
Tough lah.... -
winth:
Oh, it won't be long hitting 100pgs with upcoming CNY stories with the Outlaws. I've one reunion dinner and 1st day with them...I can contribute a couple of posts before going on hols on day 2. Stay tuned!Wow...
This thread has an amazing 82 pages.
I wonder how fast before it turns 100 :? -
surfermom:
My son refused to leave with him and was pulling my maid along.
Surfermom,
I wanted to highlight this to you some days back, but it slipped my mind. Your son's reaction, to me, is v telling as to how he perceives your FIL. Is he like that with your MIL as well???
Or am I reading too much into this?? As I have a tendancy to ....
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surfermom, agree with you just have to be firm on certain issues…let them say what they want. Even if you play the angel, they will still complain :x
My FIL went to buy 4D with 5 year old nephew and left him outside the shop.
The poor chap gone missing for awhile and luckily knew his way home. About the whole issue all my MIL’s concern was ‘your dad wants to kill himself leh…blah’
His idea of play time with my boy was giving him a lighter, or have him watch wrestling on TV. Not forgetting smoking around the poor boy with asthma…
How to tahan? Leave our kid out of our sight when your ILs’ love like that.
I can tell from relatives faces what kind of fussy n whatever DIL she had made me appear like. Bo pian… -
autumnbronze:
Autumnbronze, Yes, my son ALWAYS behaves like this with them. U r not over-sensitive. I always feel that babies/kids know the best and feel the vibes better. I don't say 'fulfill their self-gratification' anyhow. My son's reaction gives me this conclusion, partly. There were a few days when I was very busy organizing an event hence I left him with helper at home. MIL came over to play with him so helper can do work. It turned out that my 2yr old suddenly became sticky to my helper and refused to play with her. She left in half an hour. She complains that my son is too close to maid (which is NOT cos I'm also around him the entire day, not my helper alone). I muz say that right now, my son is slightly better as they will bribe him with chocolates, french fries and toys.surfermom:
My son refused to leave with him and was pulling my maid along.
Surfermom,
I wanted to highlight this to you some days back, but it slipped my mind. Your son's reaction, to me, is v telling as to how he perceives your FIL. Is he like that with your MIL as well???
Or am I reading too much into this?? As I have a tendancy to .... -
auntieM:
Speechless! If I'm in that situation, no need to think, FULL DAY CHILD CARE regardless how many battles I have to fight. Fight bullies in school easier than fighting passive smoke and 'negative influences'. How u tahan? Wah.surfermom, agree with you just have to be firm on certain issues...let them say what they want. Even if you play the angel, they will still complain :x
My FIL went to buy 4D with 5 year old nephew and left him outside the shop.
The poor chap gone missing for awhile and luckily knew his way home. About the whole issue all my MIL's concern was 'your dad wants to kill himself leh....blah'
His idea of play time with my boy was giving him a lighter, or have him watch wrestling on TV. Not forgetting smoking around the poor boy with asthma....
How to tahan? Leave our kid out of our sight when your ILs' love like that.
I can tell from relatives faces what kind of fussy n whatever DIL she had made me appear like. Bo pian..... -
surfermom:
Autumnbronze, Yes, my son ALWAYS behaves like this with them. U r not over-sensitive. I always feel that babies/kids know the best and feel the vibes better. I don't say 'fulfill their self-gratification' anyhow. My son's reaction gives me this conclusion, partly. There were a few days when I was very busy organizing an event hence I left him with helper at home. MIL came over to play with him so helper can do work. It turned out that my 2yr old suddenly became sticky to my helper and refused to play with her. She left in half an hour. She complains that my son is too close to maid (which is NOT cos I'm also around him the entire day, not my helper alone). I muz say that right now, my son is slightly better as they will bribe him with chocolates, french fries and toys.[/quote]Then use that as a cue and never lose sight of it ..... my 2 centsautumnbronze:
[quote=\"surfermom\"] My son refused to leave with him and was pulling my maid along.
Surfermom,
I wanted to highlight this to you some days back, but it slipped my mind. Your son's reaction, to me, is v telling as to how he perceives your FIL. Is he like that with your MIL as well???
Or am I reading too much into this?? As I have a tendancy to ....
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Autumnbronze, Yup…I will. Thanks for reminder.
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surfermom:
:!: AuntieM, OMG, THIS is really bad. How DID you tahan??? Does DH know??
Speechless! If I'm in that situation, no need to think, FULL DAY CHILD CARE regardless how many battles I have to fight. Fight bullies in school easier than fighting passive smoke and 'negative influences'. How u tahan? Wah.auntieM:
surfermom, agree with you just have to be firm on certain issues...let them say what they want. Even if you play the angel, they will still complain :x
My FIL went to buy 4D with 5 year old nephew and left him outside the shop.
The poor chap gone missing for awhile and luckily knew his way home. About the whole issue all my MIL's concern was 'your dad wants to kill himself leh....blah'
His idea of play time with my boy was giving him a lighter, or have him watch wrestling on TV. Not forgetting smoking around the poor boy with asthma....How to tahan? Leave our kid out of our sight when your ILs' love like that.
I can tell from relatives faces what kind of fussy n whatever DIL she had made me appear like. Bo pian.....
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