Cold Wars (with your spouse)

[straffan23]

I came across this thread, and quite interestingly, recalled that I used to have many many cold wars with my husband. I'm sure 99.9% of them were thanks to my MIL or SIL. :mad: :mad: Fortunately, our marriage have survived all that - and much as I try to recall one specific war, I just can't. I think I have trained my brain to effectively wipe out negative memories and just store the more important, happy memories. :imanangel:


So, JTS, my advice is this. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we feel that it could make or break our marriage, more likely the latter - but once we get through that, most become so insignificant that we can't even remember the details. Cold wars, anger, etc, takes up much time and energy (and I'm sure they contribute to those age spots and wrinkles, too!)... forgive and forget, move on and be happy.

[mommy2two]

mychildren,


i am not affended in anyway.
i know this is not a good situation to be in; especially when my kids get the vibes out of what is happening at home. the adults are NOT talking and avoiding each other in the same room, etc.

maybe the problem now lies with me; but i just find it very HARD to believe any actual change will come with this reconciliation. History keeps repeating itself and I’m quite sick of it, to be frank. Hence right now, i’d rather just SHUT UP and focus on my kids.

I do not have HELP nor SUPPORT from my own family as they are not in Spore and as for the in-laws, they are only interested with the children (our kids are the only grandkids in the family) and prefer to have NOTHING to do with me. I am not bothered by this, not a single bit coz for sure in the future, I will recipocrate this feeling back to them. Bitter, you think? Hell, yes. And my hb is not close to his own family either and the only reason they come over is coz of our kids. I am invincible at dinner table; most of the time I fed the kids while they eat and ended up eating left overs. I don’t even treat any of my maids that way previously but my MIL thinks nothing of it with it comes to me. this "Bitterness" feeling inside me, i THANK her and her son for it.

I am numbing myself for the sake of my kids. Once I am financially more stable and am able to better provide for my kids, things WILL change.

Some people are better at solving difference opinions and have better EQ spouse; hence Cold War to them is not Cold War per se, but a cooling off period. Those who have experienced Cold War, they know what it is like. Not every marriage ends in fairy tale endings…

[linggg]

I used to believe in talking and thrashing things out rather than cold war, so me and my guy never really cold war much, at most is half a day or cold war in the morning but by evenings, both forget we’re warring and its fine.


However, there was once, just a couple of months back, we quarreled over something. I felt he was somewhat neglectful of my feelings (ok, its really a small thing, you may roll your eyes when you read the next line) - we made plans and agreed to do A, he at the super last minute got called by his brother to do B, so he just told me we’re going to do B. So I blew up. Here’s why:

1. He didn’t explain to his brother we had A planned. He just agreed to do B, without mentioning A.
2. He told me we’re going to do B, not asked if I’m cool with doing B (which I would’ve perfectly agreed to, after I found out what B was). So the point being, he just assumes I wanna do B with him (yes, I did. But it’s a simple matter of respect…"Baby you ok with doing B?" would’ve sufficed! Instead, it became "We’re doing B. Meet us there.")
3. 90% of me wanted to just let it go, it was a ridiculously small matter! Like changing dinner location only…but that day, it felt like he just disregarded me one too many times. I told him how I felt about such decisions before, and we would quarrel but will resolve very quickly becos the matter is soooo tiny. But over time, this tiny matter keeps popping up. He keeps making these assumptions, and what we planned is easily superseded by what others come up with at the last minute.

So I blew up - silently. I ignored him for 2 days, over the weekend - which is an insane amount of time spent in each other’s company, unlike weekdays when we’re at work in the daytime. I’m a talker; I’m a serious chatterbox. So it took EVERYTHING I had not to open my mouth to talk to him, even when he was pacifying me. To me, it’s the same treatment he gave me when he ignored the message I relayed to him the previous few times. He ignored me mentally (shutting out the message I repeatedly gave), so I decided to ignore him physically (cold war). I felt like he completely disregards or doesn’t see that it was a big deal to me. Perhaps becos each time we quarrel, we make up quite fast and we’re very happy again, that he assumes that for small matters, its ok to forget and repeat.

[Mychildren]

mommy2two

Frankly, I do feel sad from your post.

Your kids must be very fortunate to have a strong mum like u.
Do not bottle up your bitterness else it’ll explode somedays.
Do remain cheerful for yourself & your kids.
Hope things will change for the better one day.

[cherrygal]

Wars, hot or cold, are never good. It is ok to have a cold war once in a while but if it happens too often and for too long, the men will not treat it seriously. And if you don’t wish to go towards the "d" route, it’s best to settle the matter in a calm manner.


And if you want to look like you "won", quickly try to thrash things out when the other party tries to speak to you. If you ignore him for too long and he gives up trying to talk to you, you may then have to approach him and look like you lost…

Anyway, in every war, it’s always a lose-lose situation. Just be reminded that pride is worthless when compared to the importance of a complete family. (I am assuming the issue at hand is nothing as serious as infidelity or battering.)

I learnt from an older female colleague that "Sorry is free". Even if it were not your fault, you could start the conversation with him by asking if there was anything you did not do or make clear that had led to the argument. Sometimes we argue so much and ignore each other for so long that we may not even remember what we were angry with.

My mom always advised that you should always look at the issue with a future perspective… would this issue be important to you in say, 20 years’ time?

[mommy2two]

linggg - thanks for sharing your side of the story. indeed sometimes when 2 parties are in a long-term relationships; taking the other one for granted becomes 2nd nature. your other half did his assumptions; maybe coz he knows you well enough that you would also enjoy the other activities/changed venue, etc and these to him (and to MOST MEN) are small/tiny/minute issues.

i'm sure both of you will work things out easily since cold war are not the forte in your relationships. jia you!

Mychildren,
thanks for just listening and the kind words.
i dun think i am a strong mum, sometimes i feel like a failure to cause this type of unhappiness in my children's 'vision' of a happy & complete family. even with both parents around, it feels more like single-parenting and the other one, nothing more than just another fixture at home; like the tv or chair or whatever that doesn't MOVE or do anything interactive with them much except to scold and discipline them when they are too noisy! sigh... i wun talk much about that; makes me sick just thinking about it.

cherrygal - it is a lose-lose situation. but to him, he wants to WIN and make me look BAD and push all the blame to me except himself. you know what they say about pointing finger are the othr person n not knowing that 4 other fingers are pointing back at them? well. he is that type of person and wun admit he is wrong. SORRY is NOT in his vocabulary and even if it is, it will be via SMS and not verbally - coz he can NEVER utter that word out of his mouth, his ego and pride is that HUGE.
the D route is something i had considered, many many many times in fact. the only setback i see is that my kids will suffer when they realized their vision is broken; incomplete and might end up blaming ME. at this moment, it is not the only viable option. but for both of us to go for reconciliation; that is easier said than done. i am still not ready to accept any bullshit that comes out of his mouth; knowing that a tiger will NEVER change its stripes!

[linggg]

mommy2two, thanks for your kind words.


My mom was a single-mom who brought me and sister up when I was only about 9yo. She and my dad divorced because of ‘irreconcilable differences’, which was truly the case. Both were already unhappy by the time I was 2-3yo and filed for divorce, hence went through a couple of years of separation. But then they didn’t give up, they tried to get back, and my sister came along. Despite all their efforts, they really couldn’t make it work together, so the divorced went through.

However, and I only found this out much later - when I was about 16-18yo, my aunt told me that she observed that I was very temperamental (at times subdued, at times throwing tantrums) when my parents were trying to make it work, unlike after the divorce. I became much more like my former self after the divorce went through.

My mom and dad broke up but it was, I would say 70% amicable. They became acquaintances and my mom who got custody of us, never stopped my dad from seeing us, even bringing us to visit our paternal family after the divorce at times.

What I’m trying to say is, divorce is not necessarily the worse-case scenario for the kids. In fact, I acted out while my parents were trying to make it work, probably because I could sense the unhappiness around me. Kids just want to see parents happy. If the marriage isn’t making you happy anymore, and is doing you more harm than good, my view is that divorce isn’t the end of the world; it can even be a good thing for all parties. So long as post-divorce, both parents don’t become enemies. Don’t play mind games or be sour, for the kids’ sake. After the divorce, my parents were amicable and sometimes even sharing a smile when we meet up. As a kid, I no longer saw mommy and daddy fighting, I saw them becoming ‘friends’. And you know ‘friends’ to kids represent fun, play, company, happiness. Which is probably why I gradually resumed my old self.

My mom never spoke bad about my dad after the divorce (even though he never gave maintenance - yes, my mom received next to nothing). She always told us, he’s our dad no matter what. And when we were older (secondary school), it’s eventually up to us to accept or reject him in our lives next time. I’m not saying my mom’s a saint, she also had her fair share of unpleasant things to say about my dad. But she kept those words to the minimal in front of me and my sis, only turning to other adults for outpouring, not to the kids. I never knew all these until I was much older.

I am not advocating divorce, but I would say an amicably divorced couple maintaining goodwill in front of the kids, might be a better option than a whole but depressed and unhappy family. Everyone has the right to pursuit happiness, don’t be mistaken that staying together for the kids is always the best option. Had my parents forced their marriage to continue but engaged in cold wars all the time, I might have become a delinquent by the time I was a teenager.

Good luck mommy2two!

[cherrygal]

My heart goes out to you both - mommy2two and lingg. Good luck and always place the interests of your children first in no matter what you do.

[kaitlynangelica]

I always wonder, with all these cold wars and whatever, how do the babies come about?


So often I hear of mothers divorced with 2 or 3 kids…and I just wonder…am sure conflicts don’t happen in a split second or overnight…along the way still got mood to make babies?

[cherrygal]

Yup, pple forget that they were once in love… haiz


And sometimes, kids can cause the friction too…

So, if we are not the motherly or fatherly type, try not to have any kids or just have one at most. Sometimes I think many of my disagreements with DH would be non-existent if we didn’t have kids.