Cold Wars (with your spouse)

[linggg]

mommy2two, thanks for your kind words.


My mom was a single-mom who brought me and sister up when I was only about 9yo. She and my dad divorced because of ‘irreconcilable differences’, which was truly the case. Both were already unhappy by the time I was 2-3yo and filed for divorce, hence went through a couple of years of separation. But then they didn’t give up, they tried to get back, and my sister came along. Despite all their efforts, they really couldn’t make it work together, so the divorced went through.

However, and I only found this out much later - when I was about 16-18yo, my aunt told me that she observed that I was very temperamental (at times subdued, at times throwing tantrums) when my parents were trying to make it work, unlike after the divorce. I became much more like my former self after the divorce went through.

My mom and dad broke up but it was, I would say 70% amicable. They became acquaintances and my mom who got custody of us, never stopped my dad from seeing us, even bringing us to visit our paternal family after the divorce at times.

What I’m trying to say is, divorce is not necessarily the worse-case scenario for the kids. In fact, I acted out while my parents were trying to make it work, probably because I could sense the unhappiness around me. Kids just want to see parents happy. If the marriage isn’t making you happy anymore, and is doing you more harm than good, my view is that divorce isn’t the end of the world; it can even be a good thing for all parties. So long as post-divorce, both parents don’t become enemies. Don’t play mind games or be sour, for the kids’ sake. After the divorce, my parents were amicable and sometimes even sharing a smile when we meet up. As a kid, I no longer saw mommy and daddy fighting, I saw them becoming ‘friends’. And you know ‘friends’ to kids represent fun, play, company, happiness. Which is probably why I gradually resumed my old self.

My mom never spoke bad about my dad after the divorce (even though he never gave maintenance - yes, my mom received next to nothing). She always told us, he’s our dad no matter what. And when we were older (secondary school), it’s eventually up to us to accept or reject him in our lives next time. I’m not saying my mom’s a saint, she also had her fair share of unpleasant things to say about my dad. But she kept those words to the minimal in front of me and my sis, only turning to other adults for outpouring, not to the kids. I never knew all these until I was much older.

I am not advocating divorce, but I would say an amicably divorced couple maintaining goodwill in front of the kids, might be a better option than a whole but depressed and unhappy family. Everyone has the right to pursuit happiness, don’t be mistaken that staying together for the kids is always the best option. Had my parents forced their marriage to continue but engaged in cold wars all the time, I might have become a delinquent by the time I was a teenager.

Good luck mommy2two!

[cherrygal]

My heart goes out to you both - mommy2two and lingg. Good luck and always place the interests of your children first in no matter what you do.

[kaitlynangelica]

I always wonder, with all these cold wars and whatever, how do the babies come about?


So often I hear of mothers divorced with 2 or 3 kids…and I just wonder…am sure conflicts don’t happen in a split second or overnight…along the way still got mood to make babies?

[cherrygal]

Yup, pple forget that they were once in love… haiz


And sometimes, kids can cause the friction too…

So, if we are not the motherly or fatherly type, try not to have any kids or just have one at most. Sometimes I think many of my disagreements with DH would be non-existent if we didn’t have kids.

[Sun_2010]

kaitlynangelica:

I always wonder, with all these cold wars and whatever, how do the babies come about?


So often I hear of mothers divorced with 2 or 3 kids.......and I just wonder........am sure conflicts don't happen in a split second or overnight......along the way still got mood to make babies?

2 reasons
1. Hormones: powerful things these :evil:
2. Hope: Much more powerful thing.
There is always hope that one spouse will change for the better, things will work out , everything will be ok. quite often things get better, not perfect but to varying degrees. But sometimes they dont. Sad. But all said Thank God there is always hope.

[kaitlynangelica]

Sun_2010:

kaitlynangelica:

I always wonder, with all these cold wars and whatever, how do the babies come about?


So often I hear of mothers divorced with 2 or 3 kids.......and I just wonder........am sure conflicts don't happen in a split second or overnight......along the way still got mood to make babies?

2 reasons
1. Hormones: powerful things these :evil:
2. Hope: Much more powerful thing.
There is always hope that one spouse will change for the better, things will work out , everything will be ok. quite often things get better, not perfect but to varying degrees. But sometimes they dont. Sad. But all said Thank God there is always hope.

The part about hope is so very true.....

I know of women who have told me....they gave into their husband's request for sex in the hope that it will better the relationship.

But what lifetime of grief when the desired outcome isn't reached and you are saddled with a bunch of kids.

[Mychildren]

mommy2two,


If u feel like letting out your frustration & have no one to speak to, just write here. Its a form of letting out. I think there are many kind souls here who will read & respond back. :grphug:

[mommy2two]

thank you for your kind gesture... sometimes it's much easier to \"talk\" to pple who have similar experience and who wun judge you.

it gets harder to share such feelings with family and close friends. every family has their problems, some are just lucky that both adults have the same goals and expectations.

to those who are still in the same situation as me --> :hugs:
and those who managed to reconcile. i'm happy for you

Mychildren:

mommy2two,

If u feel like letting out your frustration & have no one to speak to, just write here. Its a form of letting out. I think there are many kind souls here who will read & respond back. :grphug:

[verykiasumummy]

mommy2two:

thank you for your kind gesture... sometimes it's much easier to \"talk\" to pple who have similar experience and who wun judge you.

it gets harder to share such feelings with family and close friends. every family has their problems, some are just lucky that both adults have the same goals and expectations.

to those who are still in the same situation as me --> :hugs:
and those who managed to reconcile. i'm happy for you

Mychildren:

mommy2two,

If u feel like letting out your frustration & have no one to speak to, just write here. Its a form of letting out. I think there are many kind souls here who will read & respond back. :grphug:

i certainly agree... i find it hard to tell even my close friends because they may tell one another n the whole group will know about it sooner or later...

its better to tell it all here....

[Imami]

:grphug: Come and pour your frustration here, if u need. Chances are, you will get responses from folks in the same boat. Acceptance and understanding is impt. And you get both from people who are in similar situations like you.