Extra Marital Affair

[Honey]

westmom:

This reminds me of a personal experience when my dd was in childcare. My maid (now ex) was the one taking dd to/fro to the centre. There was this apparently well to do retired grandpa (probably 60+ and drives fancy car) who usually takes his grandchild to the centre too. Therefore grandpa and my maid sees each other often. I occasionally chatted with the grandma (sometimes she tagged along to the centre) or the daughter (child's mother). By chance, I happened to \"discover\" grandpa was \"wooing\" my maid - he had been calling my home. My maid was not pretty but has big \"highlights\". I was at wits end whether to tell or not as I am sure this will definitely hurt the nice grandma and the nice daughter and caused a family breakup. I decided not to after toying about this but got rid of my maid instead...

This reminds me of my own experience.

I am scared of these \"Grandpas\". I thot' this grandpa of 1 of dd's pre-sch friends was a family man who was just friendly. He would tell me how much this son gives him, how much that son gives him (trying to boast that he has $$$). I even know his wife, his son & daughter-in-law & are on friendly terms with them. Once (that was a few years ago) he commented that I lost weight & even pointed that my chest area is smaller as well. From then on, I keep a far far distance from him. We soon found out that he has China mistress around the area - goodness, go further lah. Wonder if his poor old wife is aware. You would never guess that he is such a DOM - dirty old man cos he dresses & looks decent, always portray a family man image. He goes for his early morning & afternoon walks - later I found out that was apparently to see his mistress & I even saw his mistress & him at the supermart! My friend (dd's pre-school classmate's mum) also witnessed him holding some China woman's hands as well but when he saw my friend, he immediately let go of the woman's hands. Can you imagine that we all know his wife & family too. Maybe his family turn a blind eye?

[tankee]

so many gold-diggers gunning after these DOMs' easy money. :x quite common these days ... :x


hopefully i wont grow old as one ... :!: :stupid:

[MLR]

Andaiz, mincy, cmm

Thank you for your support. I regret telling her not becos I think its wrong, but what happened to him after the divorce. I don’t know how is her current situation. But my guess would be that she would be ok, cos her family would have been there for her. Shes close to her brother and sister (they were always the ones who helped out during the 1st month celebrations for the chldren and also CNY get-togethers). He is the miserable one cos hes from a broken family and he was left to fend for himself since teenage time.
I regret helping him out by negotiated with the Taiwan mistress. If I had not did that, perhaps he would hv to face the music and learnt his lesson.

[buds]

I can understand how you feel, MLR.

It's like damned if you do, and damned
if you don't. When it comes to tricky cases
like these especially when it involves friends,
it's always hard. Think of it this way, had it been
us having that kind of hubs, wud we have wanted
someone who knew to tell us? This question is also
another hard one... :roll:

Some wud go by, \"What you don't know won't hurt you..\"

Others wud go by, \"The truth always hurts..\"

I had an experience where a girlfriend's fiance was hitting
on me and i decided to tell her after a few persistent invites
from the fella to take me out especially when she's working
nites... He also had many other scandalous affairs and was
known to be rather promiscuous.

They were planning to get married the following year.
I contemplated whether to tell or not to tell on the guy...
i cud lose a decade of friendship over a guy... which i thought
wasn't possible, cos me and my girlfriend were rather tight....

They got married the same year barely less than 6 mths into the
planning. And i lost the friendship.. I was hit so bad.. Her
wedding was done during the time i was working overseas.

Now, heard from some friends she was seen with another guy..

So, should a guy be worth a friendship?

Is love really that blind... :roll:

DID I do the right thing....

So MLR, you wouldn't have known how the issue would have
panned out, but the female instinct in you just felt that there
was injustice done and so you did what you did... out of care
for your friend's wife and out of frustration over your friend's
endless trysts and deception of the family man.

My heart's with ya on this, girl..

[MLR]

Thanks buds babe, you are always the one with the right words to soothe my wounds.

buds:

Think of it this way, had it been
us having that kind of hubs, wud we have wanted
someone who knew to tell us? This question is also
another hard one... :roll:

Some wud go by, \"What you don't know won't hurt you..\"

Others wud go by, \"The truth always hurts..\"

As mentioned b4, I had told DH that should there be such an act committed, I hv to be the 3rd person to know. Its my stupid pride, it would kill me for someone to tell me that my husband is cheating on me and I don't even sense it. So from my point of view, my friend's wife could be more forgiving if he had been the one who told her (I know that I would be).

[Eagle-Ladybird]

As a married man reading this thread, i find it disturbing too for some of the stories related.


But I’m also very impressed (if I may use this word) with some of the "steadfastness" and "bravery" shown/demonstrated by wifes.

Like all relationship matters, there’s no quick fix or 1 "supreme answer" to "why males (or females) behave that way". However I do believe, to a certain extent upbringing does play a significant role it the process.

I’m no expert in the topic of EMA or ONS. I’m sure there are many books out in the market on these topics. But 1 in particular, that I would like to share is (though I cannot recall the exact title) "Raising Boys" by Dr Dobson (I think its Dr James Dobson). Religion aside (as the book is written from a Christianity perpective), the book advocates active "steering" of boys, in their "vulnerable and volatile" growing years, to become a better man. To cut the story short as I do not have the book in front of me, it’s all about the values and foundational principles built into the person while growing up, that will eventually make that person robust enough to know and be guided on what is "good/right" to do.

My heart goes out to those affected parties

[Alston]

insider:

I entered my marriage in my best feelings about LOVE that I am going to marry the man whom I am going to be with for the rest of my life. However, somehow still managed to keep my two eyes wide open.


I married at around aged 26. After marriage, I still keep my job though my husband can fully support me comfortably (used to be chauffeured around in a Jaguar / Merz / etc). Somehow, I am concerned about maybe he may suddenly pass away one day (he is 10 years older than me) or somehow maybe he would engage with extra marital affair one day, I asked for monthly allowance of about 70% of his salary per month to ‘maintain the house’. I reviewed his insurance policies to make sure that I will be well provided in the event that if anything goes wrong. All the insurance policies that were subsequently purchased are all with me as the owner of the policy and he as the life insured (meaning I am the one who owns the policy and not him and he can’t do any hanky panky thing in whatsoever manner).

Then the children arrived one after another but I still continue to work and asked for ‘allowance’ to be increased. Basically I know how much he can draw from his company per month and I increased my monthly ‘drawings’ from him to about 80% of his salary (most of his expenses can be reimbursed from his company and 20% of his salary is enough for him to buy his own monthly stuff). He gives all these to me ‘willingly’ (inverted commas coz I assume it is ‘willingly’ and can’t be 100% sure that it is really so). But basically I manage the $$$ of the house and he seems like gladly allow me to do so.

I have a group of very close girlfriends. 6 of us grew up together since secondary 1. We share many things, including of clothing, shoes, books, etc. We have known each other for more than 30 years since then till now.

During one of my girlfriends’ wedding, my girlfriend X was drunk. I got my husband to send her home. During that trip, something happened in the car along Changi Road.

X confessed to my other girlfriends the next morning. They got me out for a talk. I was totally caught off guard when X told me what happened in the car between herself and my husband. Somehow, I was still managed to maintain my cool without a breaking down in front of them. I told them I needed time to think about the whole incidence. (now to think back, my ability to maintain my cool maybe due to the reason that I know I will survive well even if I have to go through a divorce with all those financial arrangements that I have made for the past so many years and so financial woes are not in the picture and so more ‘secured’ in a way).

I started to ‘plan’ my actions before calling him back for a confrontation. I have this ability to be 'calm' at times of 'disasters' (this is one of my greatest assets).

I got him to explain what happened the night before. He told me he was not sure how he would end up having a sexual relationship with my best friend in a car, added that alcohol must have affected his judgment (btw, X is a very sexy and pretty lady). He said he wanted to confess to me but worried about the consequences. I told him I wanted a separation for the time being to sort out my thoughts. I shifted out with my two young kids to a rented place and stayed there for about six months. While in the meantime, I didn’t contact X though still in touch with my other girlfriends who told me that X was really remorseful though they could understand it was difficult to forgive such an act.

I continued to work and functioned as normal as I could with the help of a very good maid whom one of my girlfriends ‘loaned’ her to me. I know my husband and X very well and both are not that sort who will purposely do things to hurt me. So what made that incidence happened was really a puzzle to me. Basically both love and care about me.

Someone entered my life during these six months. Probably I purposely let my heart opened and I met this chap who is 5 years younger than me. I was being wooed like a young girl one more time and I had to admit that re-living my youth was good. I was attracted to him and he knew that I was married with two kids then and under separation condition with my husband. That kind of he didn’t mind words, etc, were told to me and he even brought me to meet his parents. My head did swell but my feet were still firmly on the ground. Somehow, something was not right somewhere and I told myself to WAKE UP! Then, I parted with him nicely to say that my husband and my kids are still my first priority as a mistake like that was not serious enough to sentence him to death and I should not ‘punish’ him in such a way by also going astray.

That short infatuation gave me an important lesson. That people sometimes can lose their big picture if they can’t hold on that image deep in their mind. I almost did the wrong thing too and so I got to accept mu husband and X and decided that I would not want to pursue the matter any further (actually I was very bothered by the question of who ‘seduced’ who in the car FIRST during that time?).

My husband actually knew that I was seeing someone else during those months and I guessed he was terrified instead of angry. We had a good talk one day and I made him signed an agreement that in the event of divorce due to whatsoever reasons, he will not contest with me about the custody of the children as well as an irrevocable agreement that all his fixed assets will belong to me. He signed and we moved on forward.

The incidence was many years back. It does have a kind of shadow in me but it’s not such a bad one. I reconciled with X too and today we are still the best of friends. My husband and X still will meet now and then during festivals and occasions but I doubt anything will happen between them again as both should have learnt their lessons.

Overall, I feel as humans, we make mistakes. Whether the heart of a husband still belongs to a family or not, a wife should know better. I have never doubted that my husband doesn’t love me anymore (he doted on me like a princess during those days) and that my best friend X will purposely betray me. The separation of about 6 months was a punishment for both of them while in the meantime trying to find my position and standing. As long as a wife knows that a husband’s heart still belongs to the family, a fling or two maybe acceptable (though still hurtful but these flings really don’t deserve a divorce). But if a husband’s heart is no longer in the family, then to me is always no point to carry on…

Given an incidence like this, I can choose to lose both my husband and my best friend or choose to have them both. Having them both still makes me a much happier person…

Hi my dear..
Thanks for sharing your personal experience with us . I can't stop myself with out appreciating you. If I was there in that your situation i would have spoiled my total life...You took a Great decision.. !!

[Phineas]

Hi Insider.

Thanks for sharing your personal information with all of us. I really learned many things with this thread.

[sherlock]

Hi insider…

A big thanks for sharing your personal experiences with us…
I learned many things from your posting…

[buds]

Men. :roll:


The load of crap they say when they want out.
Wow, i cannot imagine how the jumping must
have affected the daughter... I hope the
husband doesn't get a nite of peaceful sleep.
Hahaa! Evil me talking.. :evil: