桃花谈

[Funz]

Giggler1:

Thanks insider,


I know what I should do now.

My mum always call to ask for extra every month and her calls never fail to put me in dilemma.

I not sure the real reason of her asking that sum although she said it's to pay debt. But I don't understand how she can incur such a huge amount of debt. She didn't want to say the truth.

So every month, I'll fork out the extra amount that she asking although I not willing to give her. Cos by not giving her, I'll feel guilty as I've failed my duty as a daughter.

Really at a loss on how I can solve the problem.

This sounds like DH with his parents previously. And everytime he gets the call he gets all upset.

Are you able to afford that extra that your mum is asking for? If it is within your means, you can change your mindset about that extra that your mum is asking for.

I told DH to do the following. Instead of giving his parents the full amount, he should give say maybe 80% and put aside the other 20%. Same goes for any extras that he thinks he wants to give to his parents for CNY or birthdays or year end bonuses. When he started doing that, the resentment lessens and all these money is already put aside for that purpose anyway so he does not feel that additional burden every month.

So for eg, if he has been giving $500 all this time, he still continue giving $500 and put aside $125 for when the parents asks for more. If he is thinking of giving his parents $1000 for CNY, he should give $800 and hold $200. If they don't ask, that amount stays with him.

Just a suggestion to help overcome the frustration.

[dolphinsiah]

Giggler1:

Thanks insider,


I know what I should do now.

My mum always call to ask for extra every month and her calls never fail to put me in dilemma.

I not sure the real reason of her asking that sum although she said it's to pay debt. But I don't understand how she can incur such a huge amount of debt. She didn't want to say the truth.

So every month, I'll fork out the extra amount that she asking although I not willing to give her. Cos by not giving her, I'll feel guilty as I've failed my duty as a daughter.

Really at a loss on how I can solve the problem.

I would like to share how I give my mom allowance....
I am those people who on and off will forget to give allowance when too busy...or give double ....

So when Mum reach retirement age 65 , I put money in her CPF Retirement Account...so each month she is able to receive her allowance...
On top of that the money put inside can earn interest...

so far so good...leh. I put enough money to last her 15-20 years...
So any mishap happen to me I know she is well taken care....

Note : I don't work for PAP nor CPF....just think this is a good way to help the old folks keep their pocket money :moneyflies: :moneyflies:

[Giggler1]

Hi Funz, you’re so right! I get all upset when I received such calls. Initially when the amount is still within my means, I give her 100%. But gradually she increases the amount every month. And I realised that she asked from my brothers and DH too! Now DH told me to stop giving her the extra as it’s getting too much. But I know I will definitely feel guilty and bad about it.


Hi dolphinsiah, I’ll check out CPF arrangement.

Thanks!

[insider]

dolphinsiah:

Master Tenzin Palmo

Thanks dolphinsiah for introduce this new Master (I read mainly Chinese books).

Did a brief comb on her background and think worth reading more (but Tibetian route is a very tough one).

Caught this and extracted to share (coz it reminded me of one of the questions of will my husband support my idea of 出家 and reaffirmed my belief on the definition of 'True Love' towards whether parents, spouse, children, and the rest）:

Master: As to why I got reborn in that family, my mother was superb. Even when I said to her, when I was nineteen, oh, I’m going to India. Her immediate reaction was, oh yes dear, and when are you leaving? She didn’t say, oh how could you leave me, your mother? Or wait a bit dear until you get a bit older and you know your own mind. She just said, well, when are you going? And that was because she loved me, not because she didn’t love me.

...

Master: ...My mother’s love was really not based on attachment. Her love was genuine love. To make me happy, not how I will make her happy.

http://www.mro.org/mr/archive/23-3/articles/samsara.html


PS: Yes, today is MAHJONG DAY! That's one of the few 'sins' that I have...

[dolphinsiah]

Master Tenzin Palmo , \"Cave in the Snow\" is available in the library....


I am very impressed with her current work...she setup a Nunnery in India...

Because she felt that Nuns were not given equal treatment....
Nuns are the ones always behind the kitchen preparing stuff for the monks...

She came to Singapore....I love her talks ...she can relate Buddhism teachings to our lives....which really widen my thoughts....

Mahjong time is my mum favourite time too...she managed to teach DD after her A levels...so now Public Holidays , she will remind us must spend time to play Mahjong with her....

[Imami]

Met my mum this morning. I have been sharing with her what has been said about this thread. Today I shared with her about giving wife/parents money. I said the idea I got from reading so far would be to give generously, within one’s means to parents and to wife. If one gives generously, one will also earn back the money easier.


Mom asked what if the recipient quanders away the money? No concept of how to spend sensibly? I replied not all receiptients can "see the money" but it should not become a show stopper for giving money.

I shared with her how my mil blew the full one month’s allowance from her daughter on a black top ($400 大钱）。 one day I went to pil’s place for dinner. Sil (husband’s sis) said,"yy (my name), I tell u something, then u see got anything wrong or not" then she told me how mil blew the whole month’s allowance on a top. Mil defended she bought that for some relative’s wedding dinner. This defend invited fil’s " 好买不买，卖一件黑色的＂

I told my mum - if mil a few years then short circuit once, then ok la. But if she a few months short circuit once, then maybe need to consider how if she shd be given "in kind" instead of hard cash.

I added that my parents didn’t have this prob so I gave them in cash (although I also pay for their phone bills and utility. Would hv paid for the conservancy fee if not for my father’s insistence to pay himself). If they hv prob, I would not give them so much cash. Instead I would provide in kind instead eg order groceries on their behalf, top up their ezlink On their behalf.

But heng my parents quite sensible. In fact sometimes I don’t understand why my mum got so much money? When she was still working a few years back, she was only drawing slightly more than $1k. Although she receives another $1k plus from her children, she still need to pay for groceries, transport etc. But hor, her bank account is still growing and I have to say, grow quite fast too.

辛苦了大半辈子，终于儿女都长大了，苦尽甘来。

[Gooby]

I like to share the below with everyone which I find it very meanful.


Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to
make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

[vinegar]

My mother’s love was really not based on attachment. Her love was genuine love. To make me happy, not how I will make her happy.


insider,
that is a good one....wish my MIL knows u....

however,most older generation(our MIL n mother) might not able to understand.....

[vinegar]

I told my mum so long as they grow up healthy n happy,i am contented.


It is oredi not easy to earn living "now",it would be tougher in future…

[vinegar]

everytime he gets the call he gets all upset


this sound like my DH also. MIL calls DH a few times everyday.She is very persistent,won't stop calling until he picks up. Not bcoz of asking $, bcoz of asking attn.DH has to entertain her,no matter how busy he is.DH has changed his phone plan bcoz of her.

If one day she nvr call,i'll strike toto. :evil:

My mum nvr short of cash,bro gives her a lot. But I still give her. One time she asked a few thousands fr me coz she wanted to go traveling n afraid to ask for my bro.I couldn't fork out that amt in one go.Then later,i realise it is not the $$ she wanted,it was the attn she nid. I neglected her for some tx due to my health prob.After giving attn she wanted :please: ,she ok oredi.