Do you cane your child for serious wrongdoing?
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Actually the method to discipline a child effectively depends on a few things put together:
1. The character of the child
2. The level of bonding with the child
3. The maturity of the child
4. Both parents must agree the method will work for the child
All 3 needs to be considered together before we can mete out the right approach to discipline the child and not adopt what is the general practice and follow suit.
If I ranked the above conditions, it would be (2), (1), (4), (3)
Bonding is very important. The stronger the parental bonding, the more effective the type of punishment or incentive. Even for bodily punishment it does not take alot to make a child fall in place but it will always be used as a last resort warning. Also, with bonding, even if you cane the child, there will be no resentment built-up in the child.
Then comes the character. Most children I would say are born with a stubborn streak. Sometimes it is something they cannot control at their age because it is a born attribute. Other characteristic would be a strong sense of pride that would not like to be hurt in any way. So if there is bonding that exists between parent and child, meting out physical punishment will not strain the relationship but without which, the child may build strong resentment in the parent. I have that experience myself as a child and now I see that in my child. Despite having the stubborn streak, the bonding with the parent allow us to see the benefit of the punishment.
Then comes the maturity part of accepting such a punishment. Below 5, I would not recommend using this method because they lack understanding of many things and even if they do, it is half-understanding. However, by 5, most things would have been told or warned. If they insist on maintaining the old ways…then the rod may not be spared. At that age, with bonding and better understanding, they will "appreciate" the punishment better. Also, at the right age, this kind of punishment need not go on for too long, likely a brief 1-2 years would be enough to serve its purpose. Also, with maturity and bonding, they can internalise the learnings effectively. Also, should the parent make a mistake in the punishment, the maturity of the child will excuse the parent for the mistake, all these with the backing of a strong bonding.
Certainly both parents must agree to this approach otherwise there will be a constant struggle between the parents debating if the child should be disciplined in this way.
To summarise, before using the rod, parent, please think of the BONDING factor, is it strong enough to make it an effective learning lesson?
Finally, just to share an incident I witnessed recently. A child was repeatedly defying the instructions of a father. In a flash, I heard a really loud THUD coming from their direction followed by a shrill cry of pain and shock, even the mum was shocked. The child just received a heavy blow on the back from the angry dad, impact strong enough to make an adult like me jumped up. The child just continued to hide at the mum’s arm but I could sense the resentment build up in the child and the sobbing was loud. That was a strike of anger and the bonding appeared weak. The child was stubborn alright but appeared lack in maturity to really understand what hit. It took a long time to calm the child and the mum did not seem to agree to the approach as she was half calming the child and half chiding the hubby. So did you think that punishment was effective? -
my DS is 7 yrs old this year, and I started practising "thinking corner" since he was a toddler and had only sent him there 3 times.
To me, it is very important not to be the one disciplining the child when self is emotional. -
yes, I (or rather DH) use the cane. cos we still have the belief "Spare the rod (CANE) and spoil the child"-IMO
However, the usage of cane is not frequent though it is just somehwere around the house… -
tankee:
fully agree on this point.... To me, it is very important not to be the one disciplining the child when self is emotional.
if possible, should try and keep own emotions under control before administering any form of punishment,
no matter how light or how heavy. -
tankee:
You're so right, Tankee. You're a very good father, huh?my DS is 7 yrs old this year, and I started practising \"thinking corner\" since he was a toddler and had only sent him there 3 times.
To me, it is very important not to be the one disciplining the child when self is emotional.
We don't cane too. We just explain. There are times when I'm :frustrated: because DS only works on logic, but HIS logic. But aiya, there really is some truth to what kids say a lot of times. So I have learnt to back down, listen, and respect. I feel a lot of parenting about mutual respect. -
tankee:
Hi tankee,No, I do not.
I practise \"thinking corner\" and it has worked well since he was a toddler.
How did you manage to do that when he was a toddler? I have problem to get my 18 months daughter to sit/stand still for even 1 minute.
If I try to hold her, not to let her move, she will cry. -
I don't have a cane at home....(btw where to buy? Can't find it anywhere.)
Anyway, I seldom use corporal punishment. Started having a naughty corner when he is about 1 years old and then a \"happy place\" after reading about http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/positive-time-out-and-over-50-ways-avoid-power-struggles-home-and-classroom
Naughty corner is where he goes if he purposely hit people, say bad words, or is extremely wilful for the fun of it. Happy Place is for him to calm down if he is having a meltdown....genuinely upset.
For most wrong doing, he will be told why it is wrong and given a chance to apologise or correct his behavior.e.g. For throwing things on on the floor, he will need to pick everything up and put it back to where it is.
Corporal punishment reserve for either when he hit someone even being told to stop, refusing to accept his punishment of going to the naughty corner. (Thankfully, now adays the mere threat of going to naughty corner is enough most of the times) -
worryfather:
ds2 is 3.5yo and he does not stay at the 'naughty corner' for more than a min. he'll cry. i'll hold onto him ensuring that he is seated and just let him cry. i'll explain what he did that is wrong as he cry. after that, then i hug him. then later that day i'll asked him again if he remembered what he did (ie the naughty act), what i did (ie the naughty corner) and to remind him not to do it again.
Hi tankee,
How did you manage to do that when he was a toddler? I have problem to get my 18 months daughter to sit/stand still for even 1 minute.
If I try to hold her, not to let her move, she will cry.
so far so good. -
I use the cane as warning and seldom hit them unless it's very serious offence. I'll make them bend over and hit on the buttocks. Use it less than 10 times for all 3 of them. I did throw DS1 and DS3 out of the house (once for each of them). DS3 gets very frightened at the sight of the cane so it's very good deterrent. DS1 said it was very effective and he learnt his lesson well. He was so supportive when I did it to DS3 so much so that when I let DS3 in after about 3 hours, DS1 thought that I was too lenient and should let him stay out longer. Each time, my kind elderly neighbour would console them and offer them food and drink. :shock: Of course, he also chided them for making me angry and counseled them. :torchme:
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worryfather:
Hi tankee,tankee:
No, I do not.
I practise \"thinking corner\" and it has worked well since he was a toddler.
How did you manage to do that when he was a toddler? I have problem to get my 18 months daughter to sit/stand still for even 1 minute.
If I try to hold her, not to let her move, she will cry.
I do as what super nanny preached ... leave him there and walk away (and peek out-of-his sight). he will be crying. if he gets up and move away from the corner, I will appear and put him back there and repeat the cycle (extending the timeout duration by a min each cycle).
when times' up, i go to him and ask him whether he know what he did wrongly, what is the correct behaviour ... if he does not response, I will walk away again.
it is very painful to see him crying there by himself, but it works wonders.
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