Wow, what a small world of mentality. That was very similar to what my GF said about her husband…


What I heard, his porn downloads are a wide range of fantasies, from groupys to SM. Lots of young girls photos, from Japs to Chinese and Thais. After he had admitted to those tyrsts, he asked my GF for anal sex and attempted new positions too. She had caved in to those requests thinking that it was all her fault that her husband strayed. However, during their sex, she felt she was being treated like an object, it was not two-way, just a one way satisfaction. He just wanted to do whatever he felt high. And the anal sex made her felt wasted, worse than a pro. And worst, she felt ill and got some ‘side-effects’. She told her husband that anal sex had caused some problems for her and he ignored her. She finally put her foot down and said if it’s anal that he wanted, it’s not with her. Thereafter, their sex was ok, except I heard, that he passed mild SD to her and caused an infection relapsed everytime they have sex. So now another reason to get less interested in each other. My GF went to see doc but she said her husband taking it lightly and kinda blame her for his condition too. Like he was ok, until they have sex kinda theory.

All these while in their marriage, when she asked him whether he is happy with their sexual relationship, he always says ‘yes’, nothing to add. I’ve heard my GF said before, that her husband mentality is, pay the bills, be at home on most days, but reserve his ‘privacy’ time. Although he says he will stopped all nonsense, she felt it is more of a divorce stopper than sincere repentance.

I wonder if Insider’s friend’s wife also is as forgiving as Insider. Like you said, she is no ‘goon’ too.

Then again, in my GF case, her husband look like a decent guy, quiet, specky, work in office, you would never suspect this nonsense. Her counselor felt he is living a double life. Perhaps he too gets recharged after pro visits, as far as my GF is concerned, he can be exceptionally patient and nice when he felt guilty towards her and kids. On other days, he is into himself and his many addictions, less on kids and her.

Well, I guess the start of all these betrayal was her two pregnancies. They were unplanned and at first he didn’t want any too. But he still encouraged her to keep the babies. And from there, I felt his ‘love’ for her was revealed. It didn’t go far. It certainly didn’t include their beautiful children until recently (if any). My GF can’t phantom, why he can’t love her and her kids? She didn’t gain weight after both pregnancies (too stress to gain weight) and still looks good, she can’t understand why can’t her husband accept her totally?

She said sometimes when she saw other husband and wife on street, both ordinary looking and so loving, she felt so envious of them. She felt she could never have this type of relationship with her husband anymore. She had somehow, only now unveil the ‘real’ him and having two thoughts about it. He made her felt worthless and little in the last 3 years. Her husband like to tell her, ‘all is fine’, but if so, why did he treat her that way?

My sympathy to Windy, it's really hard to live with someone who doesn't spare a thought for her feelings.


My GF faces similar problems too. Her husband is an addict by nature, gamble, smoke, gaming, porn surfing and downloading (hobby), and visiting pros too. She found out his visits 3 years ago and that's when he trys to stop. So far, he has stopped visiting pros (hopefully this will last), apparently, he used to visit pros when they were dating, she wasn't aware back then, only found out after he was caught 3 years ago. And she did spot some sms in his hp to pimp after her discovery. That's why she can't be sure of his words. Her husband at time will MIA and later claim hp network failure. She has given up asking him to be available for contact.

Now to save their marriage, he told her he will give up porn totally (as wife couldn't stand porn, a constant reminder that her husband likes variety and their sex is poor). He will also not hit her, this started to happen when they argue (only after she found out about his trysts). Before he was never violent to her.

However, my GF checked his pc and found out he is still surfing porn. Mind you, we're talking about serious search and download for porn here, with multiple 360G harddisks for backups and download. They have 2 young children but she really feels like throwing in the towel now. She doesn't think she can withstand further betrayal. And she worries about her kids future too.

She said her husband comes back early every day and tries to fetch kids home, weekend always spend together as family time. There're rarely time for themselves as couple or individual. And he always say the family should stay intact for kids, which she doesn't object - just very scared and insecure that his action are momentary. My GF gets upset and uncomfortable whenever his glance drift to a young female target when they're out as a family. He accused her of paranoid and she felt he's not owning up to his acts.

He did previously say he won't do a lot of things, but each time, he eats his words. Also, it may appear that he loves the family that's why he wants to hang out so much, but she's not sure of that. He always told her, he turned down other outings to please her and make her feel secure what more does she wants? :roll: Love and respect lah!

Talk about still loving him, she can't answer that. She feels in her heart, they're better off as friends then spouse now. As friend, she can accept his weakness for young girls, as spouse, she can't. It'll always be at the back of her mind she said.

She's said the relationship has reach a plain, amicable stage and wonder if she should divorce now instead of trying to salvage something that might have been gone. She feels sure that if her marriage is stranded at this point, it's surely bound for future problems with women.

Wise Insider, what would you say? you said before, that we should be forgiving and look beyond flaws. Will she be thot of as a failure for opting to leave despite her husband has 'changed'? To stay is a default, to leave would be a choice that takes lots of courage.

O dear,


I feel so guilty for seemingly 'spoiling' my kids... see, my gal hates veg and always pick them out. I allow her to pick them out so that she'll finish up the rest of the food. I don't prefer to re-heat stuff. She loves meat and fruits and will eat them easily. Yeah, I know veg is important to them...arghh... luckily, she eats broccolie on and off :roll: .

As for my son (4 yrs old then), he used to prefer milk more than normal food. He doesn't like food most of the time. I have to 'cold-turkey' him for a while to make him give up more milk to eat more normal food. Now he feeds better. Only thing: he only likes apple and won't try other fruits.

I confess, I sometimes unthinking ask them what they want to eat, obviously knowing they don't know what to eat since they're still so young. And giving them the chance to reject food too...*sigh Dumb... :stupid: I've to stopped voicing out my thots to them...

Hi Fluffy


Yeah, you hit another point - family support is crucial.

And she hasn't got much too. Her family also favors her to stay, although if she really does divorce, they will also support. However, childcare assistance is not very much there. This is on top of the fact that her MIL is not supportive of divorce and will not render assistance in anyway if that happens. And aside from me, she hasn't got that many close friends who knows about her woes. I tried my best to give her a listening ear and really wish I could do more for her too. But there is just so much I can do...

Well, I feel she really should leave. Like what Busymum said, her husband is also a spendthrift :celebrate: and wouldn't plan anything for the kids. Money just flow to don't know where and he didn't give her any monthly household allowance until last month during the final 'showdown' as a condition to improve. Sometimes, my GF thot she may save more for kids if they divorce and he pays her maintenance. If my GF were like Insider so wise right from the start of their marriage, then maybe she would have more reasons to feel secure and work things out.

As I understand, when my GF mentioned $$ and account with her husband, her husband gets tensed and uptight. She doesn't feel that her husband will at any time give her 70% of his income, not even 20%. He's not stingy with kids spending, in fact that area he is over indulgent. And she feels she's so out of control of the whole situation. Even right now, after her husband agreed to work out.

Does her husband really need more time to 'improve'? Even now, he's still downloading porn... how?

winth,

Agree with the punishment and condition thingy. As she told me, 3 weeks ago, she told her husband that's it. She's giving up for good since she cannot live in fear of offending her husband verbally (for not phrasing words positively when she spoke to him btw, they were not even arguing she said) and getting beaten for that. And many times, she felt her husband hostility in speech towards her. Also she really cannot stand him surfing and downloading porn every nite. As I understd, they hardly talk to each other prior to that nite. She wanted a divorce. Her husband said no no and ask her to think for kids. That's when she turned soft again.

The best part, :lol: haha.. her husband ask her what about the wedding vow she made? to stick together, in good times and bad... blah blah... said she's going back on her vow.... can you believe??! what about his vow and part?

So, the condition to stay was: he totally give up porn. And he said he can and want to so that the family is intact. After that nite, she found on two occasions, he still downloaded porn. Although now the pc is not on 24 hours download (can u beat that!), she feels he's still carrying on intermitent and not totally ready to get 'treated'.

So, it would make sense for her to go for separation since he eats his word, right? As 'punishment', she thought maybe getting him to sign on dotted line and then go for counseling is better than separation. As we understand, file for divorce and then go for counseling has a duration of maximum 1 year. If he fails the counselor grading after 12 mths, bye-bye he goes. Is this a good idea? :idea:

daisyt:

1) Eat up everthing in the bowl OR
2) Don't eat

If she really choose opt 2, let her be. In the later day if she gets hungry, do not give her any food. She has to wait for the next meal time. Try a few times and she would get the message right.

When you said no food, does that also include milk? So, let them starve until they relent, is that what you mean?

Busymom:

It is tough indeed...


Let me tell you my own experience. My parents also had lots of awful fights and quarrels when I was young. It was traumatic as far as I was concerned. I honestly wish that she would leave him. There was once when she went to see a lawyer, bringing me along. I was in Primary 3. The lawyer asked me if my parents were to divorce, would it be ok. I nodded my head. He then asked who would I want to follow and I replied that it would be my mother. Eventually, my mom decided against it. Not entirely sure why (although I think partly there was an \"advice\" from the higher order). But it took many many more years of heartaches and tears on her part as there would be more incidents to follow.

Are you thankful and happy that your mum decided against divorce back then? Is it not possible for a woman to live happy with her kids and not have a man? If the man is not caring or thoughtful and staying together is like no difference as being on her own (except she doesn't hv to pay household bills) :roll: , won't she be happier on her own?

winth:

I'll 'request' (note: not quarrel and run out of house in a heated manner) for a separation (note: divorce is never on my mind at this stage), move out from the house. Avoid all (phone, visual, letter, email) contact with husband, tell him he can visit the children but you get an intermediary to pass the children over to him, not via the wife.
If husband is interested, he can update more about wife via children (Children works miracles in a marriage).

Hi Winth,
the thing with her husband is, he doesn't want to move out. So if my GF moves, she'll hv to bring kids along and that would disrupt the kids schooling and she doesn't want that. She prefers to stay and he moves.
What's the objective of separation? To cool off or to re-evaluate? Her MIL said she won't let her son live with her if they divorce, I don't know abt separation lah.

I'll ask her to check out the thread on extra marital affairs...

And talking about inflicting hurt, my GF looks at betrayal very seriously. Don't know why. She had once attempted to strangle her husband when he was going to bed becos she was so angry. So, honestly, I think her threshold for betrayal is about reached. She had mentioned before, she feel she may lose control and potong her husband or do something to him :!: ... if he continues to take her for granted and cheat on her again. I'm worried for her, that's why also don't know if staying is good for her. No one can control that guy except himself. And if he still thinks it's alright as long as he pay the bills and wipe himself clean, then what's gonna happen? :shock:

I feel that her exasperation roots from her trying to forgive her husband since 2 years back and the repayment has been disappointments for her. Hitting her, continuation of porn, occasional cheats that she caught hold of thru his hp sms. If husband is real repentant, all that shouldn't hv happened right? If you know you're bad and you feel bad, shouldn't you work to change? But he still insisted to keep a part (the 'lust' hobby loh) of him? the part that started all the evil betwn them as far as I know. And not that enthusiastic abt counseling. She said in his opinion, it's just btween the 2 of them to work out their relationship, counselor please stand aside.

btw, I think after that prostitutes episode, she pressed and he confessed that when they were dating in the beginning, he visited pro too. So, honestly, that sounds like a relapse that had gotten worst until she found out the last 2 years.


She told me, if she knew that before marriage, she won’t get herself wedded to him. Would you?

hmm.. my GF told me they went to see a counselor on and off and her counselor told her, her husband maybe trying to stop the divorce. But to work on their marriage seems a little far, as he is not 'interested' in counseling session and having a weak will to give up the porn 'hobby'. Earlier she was the one arranging for sessions and he forgot to go sometimes, if he did, he didn't open up too. Citing don't like talking to 'stranger'.


Love wise, she sounds lost. Like how to love when you can't trust? She feels her husband is secretive at times, maybe taking half day leave for a quickie and kept it from her, pretending have to work late. I won't call her paranoid, since she did found some sms on her husband hp to pimp.

*sigh, yeah.. if we know the path ahead, I think most of us have lesser things to worry... :roll:

Qn folks:
1. can love be accomplished if faith is in question?
2. some man are simply lusty, don't you think the 'change' maybe short lived in this case?
3. My friend is a hands-on mum, the husband is hands-off. most of the time, he is aware there're 2 little people in the house but don't know much what to do with them. They will do what he wants to do or he let them do what they want to do, so that he can do what he wants to do 'surf or download' from pc. In this case, what's better off? For her to go or stay?