Windy:

Thanks. Actually it had been half a year that me and my children been living a life where we are family but the dad only around during weekend (day only)... Till now still fighting hard for my desicion as he always said that he will change but everynight I still don't see him at home.

Windy, you're a strong and caring person, perhaps that's why you're still in the marriage. I think many women would have flee given how your HB is taking everything for granted. And if my GF reads your story, I'm sure she would feel that she should just hold on just yet, since her HB is at least in the house all nites.

Nonetheless, remember that paper cannot hold fire for long.
Are we just evading the real problem?

Sometimes, perhaps both you and my GF should be selfish and spare a thought for your own health and sanity. Cos no one will take care of that except youself and you need to have that to take care of your kids and others that you love. Spend some time with yourself to find out how you can love yourself all over again. Do not mull over your problems while you do that.

In order to love others, know how to love and take care of yourself. When you're loved, you're better able to take care of others and make the right choice.

加油！

I think things gets a little muddy when the couples are not separated after those discoveries. That space is necessary, come to think of it.


When still under the same roof, every actions, words and unspoken stuff contributes to an already confused state of mind (for the women) and it really muddles feelings with reasons further. To leave or not became extremely difficult to conclude. And most times for some, it became a ‘swing’ decision, like my GF.

If I were to ‘isolate’ her now and ask her to decide, she said she would choose to divorce. But as she’s staying in the same room as her HB, his ‘gd behavor’ did sway her choice very much. But did not help with the distrust and insecurity that she felt. That’s why the conflict in her. Personally, she felt she can survive without the HB. Only holding back for her kids.

buds:

Keep all the documentation safely and a copy with someone

you trust in case yours get lost, missing or burnt.. :roll: That
is your back up plan. That when you find you reach a dead end,
you should have some faith however with THAT all may not be lost..

Windy, on Buds' note regarding evidence, I'm sure your lawyer would have mentioned to you, you can keep them and they're only good for 2 years from the date you knew of them. Thereafter, they will not be a strong evidence for you to fight. Unspoken, but taken that you've 'forgiven' him on that.

Wow, Insider you certainly takes after your mom in terms of strength and wisdom. One really need to feel strongly towards a person in order to take all the 'sufferings and unfaithfulness' for most part of the marriage. And equally important that the man must have a sense of responsibility towards the family, otherwise this equation will not work too.

On that note, are we to say that modern women lacks the dexterity to hold onto their marriage? Is this how a marriage eventually become for some of us?

Windy:

I felt sorry for my children as I had change from a loving mom to an uncaring mom after I realised abt my HB affair...


...Told him that he can revoke if he had change his life style, but he will not change, I know. He don't want me to know any new guy after divorce, but told him I can't promise. We will still stay togather for the children and will not tell them until they grow older. This is my plan. :roll:

Windy I think I understand how you feel. On one hand you have your kids best interests at heart and the other hand, your husband is causing a great injustice to your efforts through his actions and behavor.

Making a choice is never easy, especially when it involves more than jus yourself. My GF is swinging from one end to the other too. One moment she is going to sign on the line, the next, she gets soften by his words and slight 'good behavor'. Sure, maybe her HB 'sin' doesn't deserve a divorce, but it is no less 'sin' of the same nature, lust. And this can be a root for much misery be it now or later.

Another penny regarding divorce: Have to be prepare for a scenario where your HB default on the monthly alimony. My GF bro said the same to my GF. Some guys after a while or even immediately after divorce, they don't want to support their family. Then what are you prepare to do and what can you do. Know your options.

As for my GF, she had another session with HB and counselor and now HB 'sing' a different tune again. Saying porn is 'alright' since he cut down on his 'portion of time spent' and that he spent all his time with family now. What abt his pact with my GF? She stays so that he quits totally? Gone with the wind I guess. And he also avoided telling the new counselor that he had a prior agreement with the last counselor to follow-up with addiction problem. He told the counselor he didn't see any problems here at all. Except my GF, always looking at the negative - porn. Duh??? His words chilled my GF further. But she's also havn't got the courage to take that final step. It's a big decision afterall...

insider:

If someone is your good friend, then you should know about her stamina in a sense how much stress she can take and whether if moving on with the marriage can do more good or harm.

When seeing friends in difficult marital issues, gotta do a 'situation analysis' for them on their financial and emotional health + physical safety and then plan accordingly. Advice and encouragement to divorce may have to be given in the event that you foresee your friend maybe hurt or or even killed if carry on to be in a marriage...

Thing about my GF, she tells me she and her HB now got taboo topics on: their relationship, the monthly household $$ allowance, intimacy and pretty gals on street.

When together, HB behaves like a good HB, she'll be 'gd' too. She used to be a chatty person, now tune down becos she feels he's not interested to hear her. She doesn't carry her full range of emotion or self. Like a 'lite' version of her character without her heart and feelings of emotions. Then when she goes see her counselor, she breaks down and cries. Counselor said she suppressing emotions... that's why...

The rest, if she brooches the topics, either her HB gets protective or claimed she's paranoid and over sensitive. So, best for her not to talk about them least the balance is upset. now her HB also careful about his bank details.

She feels it's so 'perfectly-patch' on the 'surface' but quite hollow inside. What does this tell? Can her marriage still work given time?

She's normal on most days and a goody mom. however, when she finds out her HB download porn, google at young gals or even MIA that she can't get him on phone, her 'Hyde' self emerges. She gets impatient and full of anger in her. No way to release them except diffuse internally and sometimes spill onto her kids. During such time, she can come across as 'mean' and a 'horror'mom' to people who don't know. She doesn't abuse her kids, just 'bad' in relating to them.

To continue her marriage, she has to 'suppress' her true self is that workable? Being herself, loyalty is topmost importance. I think she has great difficulty buying the message that her HB now = faithful. A tiny suggestion of otherwise will almost ignite her self-doubt and all the pain all over again. Poor gal....

winth:

My guy friend who kanna STD (under treatment now), has very loose values of LOVE and SEX. Hope he recovers and changes his views of women as just sex (and brainless) objects.

Well, these type of guys always say pro they love family and will change, but quite rare. Can anyone here (confidently) quote anyone that they know who turns over new leaf in this aspect? Insider any positive story (besides your own account?) recover to recharge...

*sigh, they really shouldn't get married in the first place and all will be happy. Isn't it? Just play until they die lah, and keep friends for companionship loh. Why marry woman if you can't commit sexually?

yeah... if they do, sun rise from the West side man...


*sigh... conclusion, I guess it's better for my GF to leave her marriage?

Fluffy:

The impression I have is the husband is suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. In his case, he is very preoccupied with sexual impulses and unable to control his urge and thoughts on \"porn\" materials. He is trying to stay away from \"pros\" trips by spending more time with the children and family which unknowingly is also a form of therapy called \"Refocus\". However, as he is unable to control his obsession with \"porn\" materials, he needs external intervention which include a formal diagnosis from pyschologist or psychiatrist and recommendation of therapy and strategies to reduce his obsessive-compulsive disorder. If he truly wants to kick off the \"habit\", perhaps your GF may want to suggest restricting his usage of the computer. For example, I help my son reduce his addiction of computer gaming by refocusing his energy into sports and music activities, as well as restrict his usage of computer by password. He still gets to use the computer for school work and he is also allowed a 1 to 2 hours a week of computer gaming. In short, your GF's husband needs to recognise his addiction and seek help.

Fluffy, your diagnosis is so right! yeah, that's what the counselor said too. And my GF husband admitted too, agree that he needs treatment and end of his story. He doesn't feel he needs treatment, he feels he need acceptance from my GF. In fact, her counselor also said, porn and sex is his 'real' life. She and the kids are the ' unreal imposing life'.

My GF bro suggested to her to get some pills for her husband, to control his high sexual urges. However, I don't think that's such a good idea unless the husband is all for changing to a more 'moral' person and example for his kids.

As for appearance, must my GF dress like a queen and be as 'sexy' as young teenage girls in order to 'keep' her man? She's pretty decent, just no make-up and fancy hair do. We see a lot of ordinary loving couples too, they accept each other as they are inside and outside. I feel as long as a person is clean, tidy dress appropriately and maintain good hygiene habits, you can't pick no more.

Just think, on magazine and papers, we see movie stars, so pretty, didn't their man also cheat? HK Vivian is a good eg. I like her and I think she deserves better than that fellow she wedded. She's just one among many. Hollywood is full of this crap too.

理由多过'猪油' :roll: just cannot owe up that they are jerks.

insider:

She is now operating in Malaysia and is quite well known there. She told us in her clinic, a couple is supposed to do 'it' in front of her and then she will 'correct' their posture and teach them what to do to satisfy each other...

The psychology course somehow healed her guilt and shame of her past bad behaviours (she enjoyed the sex but felt guilt / shameful at the same time). My Trainer, through hypnosis, somehow made her understand sort of her previous experiences were necessary as helping couples to have a pleasurable experience in their life time relationship is her calling for her life as without such, it is difficult for her to be a Sex Counselor. The key learning lesson is always to forgive ourselves and make as much positive contribution as we can and move forward without those guilt of past mistakes (converting negative thoughts into positive energy).

What a woman. Well, at least she was upfront about her needs. When they're out of their closets, it is easier for others to 'accept' them. When a person choose to live double life, that's when trouble brews. Just like Insider friend, he was upfront with his childhood friend and even if one of those friends were to like him, I'm sure they'll steer clear knowing he can't make the cut as a committed husband. Same for my GF, if she knew he visited pro before, she really would think twice about their relationship.

There's something about the profile of people who enjoys pro. I think they're pretty selfish and delusional. And I think if the calling come for them to sacrifice themselves for the family, they will back down at the last min no matter how 'garang' they always project themselves to be. Bcos, they are already weak in their flesh and mind to even give up 'indecent' sexual pleasure in the first place. Wouldn't that be counted as a 'sacrifice' for the family if they decided to start one? Those jerks are just trying to 'justify' their guilt. Sorry...yeah, pretty upset with this bunch of people.

I'm not against sexual pleasure, who doesn't like to feel good or reach orgasm? Equally important, I feel both partners should carry out experiments together to explore their pleasurable points. For folks who like pros, they maybe exposed to Level 9 techniques with those women whereas their wives are at level 2 or 3. It would only be 'fair' if the husband 'progressively' train and explore with their wives so that they also progress onward to a higher level. But honestly, man hardly wants to spend their time doing that I suspect. Besides, they may have to do additional 'unrelated-to-sex-chores' to prep their wives (know what I mean?). They just prefer 'instant gratification' on most time. Wives' technique range maybe shorter cos they play other roles in the family too and constantly worried about the family. How I wish man are more thoughtful and loving like us woman. When they are, they will find the rewards are tremendous!!

My GF said if it wasn't that some of the sexual actics are 'unhygenic' and poses a 'health hazard', she won't mind doing it too if her husband enjoys it. Don't forget, a couple spend lifetime together and they have kids. Need to think with the big brain lah... A pro maybe just a one-off, (crudely and sadly) who cares if you contract SD or other aliments? they don't need to 'be together in good times and bad'. Right?!

BTW Insider, how is it that during a pyychology course the trainer uses hypnosis on her? Is that a 'proper' practice? My GF and I are also interested in pyschology course, which is a reliable school for such course?

why man must have such sexual thrills to feel satisfied? Is sex everything? My GF ever mentioned, she wants to end her relationship, so that she can steer clear of all these sexuals delusions problems. She just want to focus fully on her kids now. Possible?


Sex is not everything to a woman, or is it? But it’s most important to a man, is it?