@rinsider To answer your question: My two kids were unplanned, although they came after marriage haha. I was not the type of person who needed to have kids, although I’m very glad that I did, and I do live for them, in many ways. For one, they’ve made me improve myself so that they would have a better role model. My life with kids is infinitely better, but I wouldn’t really want to prescribe this to someone else, as we’re all different. If we’d had more access to resources when we were 20-somethings, be it the social media financial experts or AI, I think we might’ve done a lot of things differently too!

@rinsider We had a discussion about this last night, with some friends (also parents)! Among our group, we have one neighbourhood sec school teacher and one allied educator. Some points: Girls bully as well, so what’s the punitive measures for them, and are these effective? Or we are sticking with less-effective measures for girls, due to their perceived physical vulnerability? What teachers see on the ground: the victim may not be adequately supported, especially if they are bullied in their graduating year and leave the school after that. Gentler measures such as corrective work don’t have much effect. Getting teens to help out in school (e.g. cleaning toilets) requires plenty of time and effort from already overstretched teachers. It’s unrealistic/unfair to expect teachers to do double-duty as therapists, coaches. Teachers are not experts in behavioural change. Perhaps every school needs a dedicated team to handle these non-academic challenges, not just a handful of counsellors? Will school caning, the way it is currently carried out, really serve as a bullying deterrent, or is it performative? We talked about the whistleblowing aspect as well. We know of teachers who are alerted to fights and they personally intervene. But not everyone has that relationship with their students, and that’s not a real solution. We also talked about victims, especially male victims, who may not talk to anyone about what they’re facing.

@rinsider said: So what kind of mixed signal is he sending to his son? “Daddy is outraged as the teacher could have expressed it better, therefore daddy had to redeem himself against this remark… I’m not just a Grab driver…” Under any circumstances, for someone to make a remark like “they’re just an XYZ,” it doesn’t reflect well on them. And if we’re on the receiving end of that statement, I guess defensiveness is one of the natural responses. Eg stay-home/wfh/freelancer moms may be triggered if someone says they’re “just staying home,” or implies that they’re not productive, or even just “bumming around.” (Tbh, even friends/very decent people have made those kinds of statements to me before, and I could be just as guilty of saying something that reveals my own bias.) The response might then be to try and qualify one’s value. So… in that sense, I don’t really blame the dad for sending those mixed signals. One could also say, “Yes, this is what I do, and I like it/am proud of my work.” But I suspect we’re all a little more complicated than that!

@rinsider said: Besides tuition, how do parents nowadays try to incorporate Chinese into their kids’ lives actively? Especially if you were weak in the language yourself? My son (now Sec 3) has a millennial tutor, but he’s more of a friend/mentor, so these sessions are enjoyable. In the past, we had asked our tutor to take my son and his friends on outings, like to the Sun Yat Sen Memorial Hall. Apart from that, I had hired my friend’s daughter (early 20s) for a small fee, to have conversations and play games with my son. But ultimately I think if we don’t speak the language in our daily life, it’s quite hard to improve!

@rinsider said: What compelled you to get married and have babies? Rose-tinted glasses or a genuine feeling to have and grow a family? Although I hardly dated before university, I think I always assumed that I would get married one day, though I was uncertain about having kids (I’ve never been interested in babies!). It just seemed preferable to have someone to share life with. It turned out that I met my husband in our first year in university, started dating, and married a year after graduation. It was 3 yrs later that I finally made up my mind that I wanted kids (my husband said either with/without kids was OK by him), and then it took 4 yrs of infertility treatment plus a couple of years after giving up before I got pregnant. I can’t really explain why I wanted kids - A desire to create something uniquely ours? Having the opportunity to nurture and care for new humans? Biological urge? We have made it clear to our girls that we don’t assume that they will marry, or have kids, and we are fine either way. We don’t believe that either is necessary for happiness, and we only want them to marry and have kids if they actually want them. Having kids “for the sake of society” is too big an idea to cope with! One daughter is now married, and I’m fairly sure she will want to have kids eventually (she’s 26). I think she enjoyed growing up in a family with a sibling, and she is willing to reduce or stop work for a time if need be. I think that the lack of interest in having kids is partly due to the pressure to do well in career, earn more, etc, coupled with the materialism that equates happiness with having more and indulging self. Nurturing and caring for kids, especially in the early years, is costly in time, effort, emotions, opportunity cost, and of course, money. Our govt is trying to fix the problem with money, but really, no amount of money is going to tip the scales from “no kids” to “yes kids”; it may change “1 kid” to “2 kids”. It’s only if our young people consider the sacrifice worth it that they are likely to have kids. How to “fix” that is a tougher issue and has to be dealt with in families, and not by social policy. How many of us raise our kids to do housework and chores, and to put others before self? If kids are used to putting themselves first, then it’s less likely they will willingly have kids that will take precedence in their homes. Just my thoughts.

@sharonkhoo said: As far as I know, only the surviving parent becomes the guardian automatically. Oh! I was not aware, thank you for highlighting this! I’ll update when I have some proper processes in place, and in the meantime, we can share useful info here!

@rinsider Oh if it’s Grab/Gojek, and I’m the one that’s feeling lazy/tired and wants to take a ride, I’ll usually cover the cost if there’s someone else with me, and choose a drop-off point that’s good for both. I treat it as my own ride. The conversation I was referring to in my previous post involved people who drive, who’ve been dropping their friends and fam off out of goodwill. It’s quite tricky to suddenly make a request for cost-sharing, I feel! But personally, I think it’s a fair request to make, and no one should expect to be ferried around for free.

@rinsider I think if we are able to speak basic Mandarin, we don’t really notice it, but increasingly, at cafes and some restaurants, I have noticed that it’s easier to get what we need by speaking Mandarin. But that Grab notice was unacceptable, for sure! Our family is biracial and I don’t think my son is comfortable using Mandarin at shops, or to buy food. My daughter, probably more so, but I’ve hardly heard her say anything in Mandarin. My dad doesn’t really speak Mandarin, so that’s just how I grew up as well. I think my Mandarin is quite adequate for local practical usage, but not to have deep conversations!

@rinsider said: @sharonkhoo my daughter is 20. Nearly a legal adult! 🤭 My kids have closed their doors for years, but in recent months, she has been locking her door. She’s had a phone since 16. So I can’t understand this recent behaviour. She said she wants to “isolate” herself. Have been feeling bad and At 20, you can’t really dictate her behaviour without a strong reason. On the other hand, if this is a recent change, I think you should try to find out more. Try to find out why she’s changed? Why the need to isolate? Has something happened in school/uni/whatever she’s doing at the moment outside the home? You probably need to find a good time to ask gently. It could be something to do with friends/boy friend, or studies/work etc. A reason you could give for not wanting internal doors locked for long periods is for safety reasons. Privacy can be assured if everyone knocks and waits when the door is closed; in emergencies, a locked door makes response time longer. This is a perfectly reasonable request as you are ultimately responsible for safety of all the residents. You could start with this and see if it opens up more info about why she wants to lock her door.