In-law problems?

[Andaiz]

kiasimom:

When I was in USA with my MIL, the trick of self-defence I learnt is to SHUT UP. I only talk when necessary.

winth:

Yup. I learnt that trick too over the years.

Yeah, I TRY to but very difficult. I'm literally sick when I see her and SIL fawn over one another although they hate each other. I dunno how people can get this fake loh! :roll:

kiasimom:

Till today, I still feel very much pressurised being in the same room and breathing the same air as her :faint:

winth:

U know I develop headaches when I'm due to visit her. It might be self-inflicted cos I can't stop thinking about her. There is also high intensity in my breathing too and I will lose my temper easily and I vent my frustrations on the boys unknowingly. DH's face gets real red and hot when he is driving over and the usual smiles he has disappear whenever he deals with his mum. It's only when the whole event/dinner is over, then we are back into our usual behaviour.

It's worse than going for the exams!!!

That's psycho-somatic and you know something??? From this year on, it seems that DH and I are really exhibiting these signs too! I always need to practice lamaze breathing :stupid: :stupid: :stupid: in her presence and yet TRY not to sound as if I'm sighing. Aiyoh!

[MMM]

Similar with kiasimom, the approach I take with my mil (staying under the same roof) is to "shut up". I rarely talk to her although we are under the same roof. From day one, I’ve analysed her as someone who appears to be easy going but in fact, she is not that easy going. It’s like she likes to say "shui bian" but she is infact not shui bian at all.


Till today, my mum still gives me credit for identifying this trait correctly. Not sure if it is due to our "lack of communication", she is really wierd. When hubby and I went for our shorts in dec without the kids (we deposited the kids with my mum), she would call my mum to ask when are we going and when are we coming back… It’s wierd because hubby told them the information so what is she trying to fish from my mum??? Then she also commented that why are we taking hols again as we just came back from the family holiday. My mum told her that when the school reopens we will be very tied up with the kids again so it’s a good time for us to relax now.

Then during our recent absence, she called my mum to say things like :
1) I am very concerned about the kids’ studies, etc… (Reason being that I am very very strict with the kids. They need to be in my room by 8pm to start their homework/ study. If they don’t, I would scold them as I want to build that discipline). I think my sils are more lax as compared to me. So my mum just told her that of course must be concerned if not how can the kids catch up etc…? You know sometimes I feel that after doing so much (eg. setting nitely revision time and investment in time and $ on their enrichment) I hope the kids don’t fail me and can get decent results when they have major exams. This probably signifies to my mil that yes, what I am doing is fruitful.

2) We engaged a tutor for the kids. I pay the tutor on a per lesson basis. As we are not home, we would pass the $ to pils to handover to the tutor. My pils are financially independent and historically the thrifty type. On seeing the amount I am paying to the tutor, she went to make the remarks to my mum again that wow… the tutor so expensive dunno effective or not,etc… I feel that their heart ache for the $ rather than the effectiveness. This tutor has a track record with my kids and that’s why we got her. My mum knows the tutor as well and so she rebutted her.

3) Last sat, my K1 started her class with LW. So we were preparing to go out in the morning. Again, she was pestering my hubby like… wow she needs to go for class??? How much is it etc…??? I am quite irritated as it’s obvious that it was very $ focus. We are not asking them to pay a single cent and neither are they "suffering" as a result of the kids’ enrichment lessons expenditure we’ve. They still get the allowance and my hubby pays for the household stuff so I don’t understand why she has such a response. What is wrong with sending the kids for enrichment classes? When my kids started pre-nursery she also made comments like dun need to go to school until 5 yrs. Start so early for what???

4) She "complained" to my mum that why do I need to travel for my job. I was like, I only try to travel once a quarter and during hols when it don’t affect the kids. It’s not as though it’s extensive and she rarely see me at home. Then my mum told her it’s good that I’ve my own career and it’s good to travel once a while to gain exposure. It’s a good thing and nothing wrong with it. I feel that just because my sils don’t do it doesn’t mean I cannot do it as well?

In my case, I am thankful for my mother who "can communicate" with my mil. As usual, I will just take a bochap attitude. Haha so much for the grouses I’ve with my mil. I just feel better after complaining and life goes on as per normal.

[ooptimizer]

Don’t worry, a lot of in laws are like that…

[Andaiz]

MMM:

In my case, I am thankful for my mother who \"can communicate\" with my mil. As usual, I will just take a bochap attitude. Haha so much for the grouses I've with my mil. I just feel better after complaining and life goes on as per normal.

Well-said MMM, that's what this forum is for.

I'm glad that your mum can actually help you communicate better with your MIL as in see it from a grandparent's viewpoint. My mum did and still does (when required i.e., MIL calls her up); and I think it is easier for them to take it from another older person rather than us...

[kiasimom]

It is indeed heart-warming to know ILs and ILs can communicate to each other.

This is something hard to come by.

Especially if your MIL can talk to your Mom.

To me, thanks but no thanks

[Andaiz]

kiasimom:

It is indeed heart-warming to know ILs and ILs can communicate to each other.

This is something hard to come by.

Especially if your MIL can talk to your Mom.

To me, thanks but no thanks

morning kiasimom, looks like we've all had a change of schedule this year eh?

ILs can speak to ILs but then sometimes it's to fish for information and competition lah! My MIL's favourite phrase is \"is it???!? :shock: they didn't tell me...\"

[kiasimom]

Morning Andaiz dear,


My schedule is still the same la.
Wakes up at 5am to spend time with Smarty before he goes to school

Talking about MIL talking to Mom, it is NEVER

I doubt my mom will know how to handle my MIL, so I will rather keep the relationship as low-key as possible.

Sometimes, it is no good to be too acquainted.
Same goes to staying under the same roof with MIL.

If we stay together, I bet we will be at each other throat.
By staying apart, at least there is some respect from both of us.

The more acquainted you are with someone, the more you will say things to hurt that person as you are too comfortable with that person.

That’s why till today, my relationship with my ILs are merely superficial.
We still respect each other but sorry, not too personal though

I think I speak to you more than I speak to them

[buds]

Andaiz:

Well-said MMM, that's what this forum is for.


I'm glad that your mum can actually help you communicate better with your MIL as in see it from a grandparent's viewpoint. My mum did and still does (when required i.e., MIL calls her up); and I think it is easier for them to take it from another older person rather than us...

I agree with Andaiz.
You worded it perfectly, MMM.
And boy what a load off now that you've said it, aye.

My parents oso have nevermind attitude & will back us up like
MMM's mommy does. :hugs: They prefer a cordial relationship
rather than black face relationship that my MIL can really do.. :roll:

For a few years, during the New Year my ILs don't even make
effort to go over to my parents' place to visit.. that never mind
oso. When my parents were coming my ILs quickly made a dash
outta the house while i was preparing dinner. Wah liao.. dun
understand them man. It's not as if my parents have done them
wrong or anything.. i also paiseh when my parents, relatives &
cousins ask where they are, i dunno what to say... cos when they
called prior to coming over, the ILs were around. Just seems rather
rude lah to me, that one leaves knowing full well the other person/
people are already on the way over to come see you... to visit you..
Sigh. :roll:

But on a positive note, the entire big group of us had a great time
catching up! And hubs was fantastic help with the kitchen & preparing
the table together with me. My girls occupied the babies & toddlers so
the parents and grandparents can eat and chat. :hugs: And the group
stayed for a few hours just chilling out. It was nice.

There were many occasions too that we had a lotta guests but they
just stayed in their room... and i just said they may be sleeping only
to have them suddenly all coming out the next minute to go to the
kitchen or something.. and just go about their stuff without even a
simple acknowledgment or a nod lah at least to any of the guests.
Sometimes, my guests would acknowledge by nodding and saying..
hi auntie... uncle... only to get no response. I paiseh lah..

My guests will ask, who are they... I said my ILs. Then, they say...
Not that its any of my concern, but why like that? I just tell them
I reali dunno and i apologize for the lack of courtesy on their part.
I mean there i was not wanting to make them seem unfriendly or
that they were not nice or that we weren't on good terms or any
thing like that... but the attitude given in the presence of others
just invites questions and makes it difficult for me at times. But i
just try to be diplomatic with my response as much as possible..
Just need to do some quick thinking lah.. I'll say like \"Mebbe they
are just tired, did i tell you they are still working despite their age?\"
Side track a bit lah. Dowan to go into the awkward moment.
If ya noe wat i mean... :oops:

[kiasimom]

Actually hor... I am a bit like buds ILs leh :oops:


My hubs will always inform me in advance if my MIL is coming.

And guess what? If I am at home, I will hide in the room and asks my hubs to tell her I am not at home. ( Many times she didn't bother to ask too. )

And if she happens to drop by when I am out of the house, I will return only after she left.

I do not want to force myself to put on a fake mask and entertain her. Note, the word is ENTERTAIN.

Unless I am forced by circumstances, otherwise I will never want to be in the same room with her.

[mummy of 2]

kiasimom:

It is indeed heart-warming to know ILs and ILs can communicate to each other.

This is something hard to come by.

Especially if your MIL can talk to your Mom.

To me, thanks but no thanks

In my case, it's my MIL who \"counsels\" my mother, ironic?