In-law problems?

[tree nymph]

jedamum,

yah, envy envy… but mine only cook when her daughter is coming back, and I will usually provide the ingredients…

MIL is not so stingy on buying stuff for the kiddo. clothes from salvation army, is only $2 per piece, so cheap and still very good and new hor… its ok for me lah, i will still let the kids wear. cannot complain on this.

[tree nymph]

3Boys:

Lets be fair. There are many MILs that are genuinely good people. I am blessed with one such. Although she is quite traditional in her outlook and so she and I don't see eye to eye on quite a few things, she commits a large chunk of her time to managing the babies and maid, and doing a good job at it.


Reading through this thread just makes me feel extra lucky.

As I stated in an earlier post (for which I was soundly lambasted!), sometimes (and I emphasise SOME) its just a generational gap. A bit of live and let live goes some way.

3Boys,
yeap, you are very lucky to have a delicated MIL to help you manage the babies and maid. Mine want the babies to be looked after by the maid so she can have her own free time to enjoy - i can't fault this, cos I'm the kids mum. But my mum is prob same as your MIL as she is a very delicated caregiver and yet my MIL just wanna snatch the babies to be looked after by the maid... why? anyway, i stand firm on this issue - luckily DH supported me on this too - and we brought the kids back to my mum's place. I am expected to take leave to look after the kids myself. she will never ever postphone her golf to another day to help keep an eye on the kids. when my babies cry or scream at night, even if they are about to tear the whole house down, she is still blissfully asleep, would never wake up to check what happened. even during my confinement time when she told me that she will help look after the baby...

generation gap - i guess so too. except i think she is from the olden days thinking when the ladies still have to bond their feet, oops, no, i think even older then that even. cos my grandma, with her bonded feet, did not share the same kind of thinking as her even. MIL has the idea that DIL has very low status at home. DIL has to kneel down and serve tea to her every morning. i'm like the maid at the house i'm supposed to call home.

[tree nymph]

Augmum:

tree nymph, so sorri to hear what u had gone thru .....

hope things are much better for u now

this is what happened long time back...

And i was from a very traditional chinese school with very strong confucious influence. I respect elders, my teachers and although I am straight forward and buddly, i'm quite eager to please.

I agreed to stay with PILs cos FIL told me that they are getting on his years, and that they don't want to be alone in the house. and since i thought MIL is an educated lady and so should be quite open-minded. boy, i was really off...

[tree nymph]

during my first confinement, my mum has to cook mee sua with threadfin and pork and tabao for me to eat. and when i were fitter, i got to go to the wet market to buy ingredients and supermarket for the grocery. even then, there was a lot of disputes and upsets in the house. so much so that i sank into depression and one fine day, i sat down and told MIL that if there are so much unhappiess going on with the birth of my baby boy, then he must be the devil. i will go to the nearest tall building and jump down with him as i can’t take all these nonsenese any longer.


I think everyone sat up and listened after this. I can’t remember very well then already because i was really about to lose my mind. but i remembered that MIL retreat and gave me a peaceful few months after this.

[tree nymph]

Just in case you were thinking that my mum is younger then MIL… My mum is 4 years older. MIL was very strong and fit due to her regular exercise regime.


Did you engage a malay massage lady for post natal massage during confinement? I did. So did my MIL. she also wanna the massages… so i got to pay for my massages and hers as well.

auntieM,
same as yours. MIL also almost did not buy anything for me for confinement. She left me to pay for the household just before i got preggy with the first kid. so i got to continue from there and even though i just given birth, i was also expected to buy for the household… will continue my story more later…

[auntieM]

Tree nymph, it much be really tough what you are going through…, and on a daily basis. Stay cool oki!


When I was pregnant I had dinner once at MIL’s place. Exposed salted eggs n dated peanuts with porridge…
She bad mouth me and my mum big time coz you can ‘hear’ and sense the sarcastic remarks they make.
I left English name to hubby, and insist that Chinese name to be given by feng shui master. I wouldn’t compromise and end up never use the middle Chinese character for their family. Till now, almost 7 years later, his aunt will still ask me in full detail why boy’s name never follow family …blah …at least twice a year, in front of everyone.
Whether I 'm protrayed as super b***h or not I dun care liao, at least I have control over my little boy and myself.

[tree nymph]

auntieM,

same with names. I came from very traditional chinese schools, must say that my chinese language is quite ok. Out of respect, I asked her to choose English names that she likes and we will pick one from her list. I have already had in mind the chinese name for my kid. She insisted that I have to get her mother to name the child. She said that the names she picked for the kids ended very well for the kids and that the names bring out the best for the kids. gosh, her mother really did think of a name: yong sheng. The name i choose has a very good meaning and i also have a few other words that i can use later for my other kids - already planned out well. Every day she would nag me to take the name that her mother has thought of. One day, I finally cannot take it and told her that I want to use the name I have prepared and she told me:\" who are you to name the baby? you know nothing about it and you obviously can't name the baby well. You are not fit since you are not old enough. better to use the name granny has choosen, she is after all, so old already so can think of good names...\"

upon hearing this, i ren ren ren... :x :x then cried in my room. what did she mean that i'm not fit to name my own child? I AM HIS MOTHER! even if i were to name my baby ah gou ah pig, nobody can fault me too! and furthermore, i'm not an eighteen-year-old mummy, i was over thirty already when i have my first child!

no, i didn't give way and use yong sheng. but we spent money to engage a name master to 'count' his name... I'm not very happy still but this is a compromise that i settled.

i'm not making this episode up... what will you do if you were in my shoes and you are the DIL?

[tree nymph]

MIL is also crazy with controlling.


Whenever we are back, we have to look for her and call her and tell her that we are back. whenever we leave the house, we have to also look for her and tell her that we are going off. even if we are rushing for time, we have to do this. I received a lot of phone calls from her in the office chiding me for not calling her and telling her that i’m going to go and leaving the house soon. if you say something like, oops i’m late gotta go while grabing something to eat at the dinning table DOES NOT count! You still have to look for her and tell her:" hi mum, going off now. see ya!" no matter how late you are. Nowadays, if my kids left without telling her, even if i tell her that we are leaving, not counted also. the kids MUST and HAVE to call out her and say bye to her and tell her that they are going off…

early in the days before having kids, she also like to check on me. like where did i go, what time did i come back, who did i go with, what did i have in the plastic bag, where did i go for shopping, what did i buy, how much did it cost, why do i need to buy… halo? i think my mum also never ask so much question. like i’m a prisoner in the house…

i ren…

[tree nymph]

then come the episode of caning...


MIL can't give up her lifestyle and give her time to look after the kid. therefore i have to shuttle the kid to my mum's house and if i were late from work, i will let the kid stay over and bring back on sat. this is the best arrangement for everyone so everyone has some space for their own CCA.

I still remember this happened when my kid is around 20 mths old. He could speak already and could address all the people and everyone knew this. One Sat, we brought him back from my mum's place. As we came in the house, we have to call her and tell her that we are back. but this little boy is having one of his moments and he refused to open his mouth.

MIL said:\" huh? what happened? why you didn't want to call me? come back from that side become like that? huh? why are you like that?\"

I have to keep asking the little boy to call her, but at their age, how do you do that?

all this while, MIL continues with:\" why? come back from the side become like that huh? you were not like that before what. why are you like that? huh? call me! quick call me!\"

i have to urge and urge him to call, but toddlers sometimes also have their temper also and this is one of the times

MIL:\" how can you let him be? come back from that side become like that. he is openly defianting the adults. how can he be like that? boy, why didn't you call me, how can? why? call me!!! you have got to displicine the boy!!!\"

In the end, with tears in my eyes, i told the boy that i will cane him if he didn't call ah mah. cos he is not obedient??!!! I really have no choice. what did she mean by that side? what did she mean by come back from that side become like that? what did she mean that you were not like that before?? what discipline??

I took the cane, tears falling internally inside my tummy - i can't cry - and started to cane the boy... i remembered this like yesterday... the cries from my boy is still ringing in my ears today... i caned until the boy calls her...

fair???

what kind of grandma will force the mother to use this method to extract one lousy 'ah mah'? and this grandma is an highly educated one somemore! even the old cleaning lady cleaning the toilet in my office building also understand that toddlers have their moments and that it is not fair to displicine them like that. just for one lousy 'ah mah'... this is the very first time i use cane on my little boy. and it felt like raining canes on myself...

[auntieM]

Quite amazing you are able to put up with all these on going day in day out.

Your MIL should wake up her idea really.
How can your hubby tahan all this going on around him??

My ILs came up with very very ‘orbit’ name. The first grandson they named didn’t turn out to be ‘blessed’ at all n guess my hubby rather pang tang too.