In-law problems?
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Hehe, I’m back…with Boomz, Bangz whatever also can. AuntieM, yes confirmed, same University of OUTLAWS!!! I bet they have PhD and Buds’ Outlaw is Professor there + Head of Faculty!
3Boys, I agree there are MILs who are genuinely nice, I hv also stated that in beginning of my post. True, the rest of us are just not so lucky. You’re indeed very blessed. Actually, my hubby’s aunty is a great MIL to hv…she’s above all a great educator to her grandkids, genuinely caring & selfless. I love to interact with her and I told my cousin-in-law that if I had her as MIL, i’ve no doubt having 2-3kids straightaway and having her to care for them. My aunty-in-law also dislikes my Outlaw (in fact most relatives) cos of her Insensitivity, Tactlessness etc. Like Buds, further issues with my FIL etc (more of their r/p which makes her worse). Unfortunately for me and my fellow long-suffering moms here, I truly know what you mean when you say that they spin stories to their sons, make themselves the victims and accuse of us saying/doing certain things to create trouble. That we r lousy moms and poor children, we just are not taking good care of them. Pretend to be very poor thing, so selfless in front of their own family. Need my son for photo-taking sessions and to show off to mahjong kakis-hey, me too, AuntieM! As for buying presents, her first present to him was on his 2nd birthday which was 2 weeks ago. Better late than never?? I almost fainted out of disbelief!
AuntieM, ya that really wasn’t nice to say. It’s like cursing the baby (choy!). My OUTLAW claims that I was the one who doesn’t want baby, waited so many years to hv baby. Actual fact is that my hubby did not want bb and i persuaded him. Juz cos i’m very outdoorish, sporty and ‘happening-looking’ doesn’t mean I am. My hubby is much fairer but just as crazy in windsurfing but hey, sons will never suffer wrongs, they will always be right in mom’s eyes. All the blame on me. Once at a gathering, she proudly proclaims to her sisters that my son inherits my daddy’s good looks and unfortunately inherited my ‘dark skin’. She’s always been repulsed by my tanned skin & the fact that I’m totally into sports. She thinks all women shd be fair as porcelain, into dancing, shopping & facials. What use is there to defend myself or my son, that it’s due to his swimming & being on the beach everyday (of cos he’s not dark as we put sunblock on him, just a bit more tanned than most indoor kids). In short, all good genes are from daddy and all bad genes are from mommy. This is how it has been all these while. My son’s good nature genes fr daddy and when he throws tantrums, must be ME! She doesn’t even try to say it tactfully, she just lets go as a matter-of-factly. The most amazing thing is my hubby never notices such things. To him, it’s ok or normal for his mom to say. He also doesn’t defend me.
She also kept saying I make my son "go to work" at such a young age & threatens to babysit him since my son doesn’t like her so much & allow her to carry him. She tends to think I instigate my hubby for everything negative to her. Don’t u agree with me that we can never explain enough that these are either joint decisions or hubby’s opinion. I’ve made a stand to hv hubby tell her, anything that comes from my mouth is seen to be MY decision & that hubby is forced to listen to wife. I’ve learnt to totally keep my mouth shut. If she calls to ask why i’m not eating dinner etc, I’ll tell her to call hubby as it is HIM who has program, not me and to ask him, not ask me. It’s really amazing why Outlaws always think our men have no opinions and listen to wives for everything. It’s hardly true at all. Right, Buds?
Actually, I’m the straight-forward-lash-it-out kinda DIL…I try to, tactfully…but because I say it as tactfully as I can but firmly, (i have to cos my hubby doesn’t defend me), it makes my Outlaw hold her horses & realise that she cannot climb over my head. I actually don’t hv many opportunities to rant & destress abt Outlaw issues, so to reduce friction, I meet as little as possible, keep my mouth shut, don’t talk to her, don’t share anything abt our lives unless she asks abt baby. Yes, I try to ‘ren’ but I cannot close both eyes. If I do, they will kidnap my son & dunno do what rubbish to him. I am occasionally sarcastic to counter her comments. Such as "he’s not sick, what’s the point of being ‘white’ (fair?)". Use poison to counter poison (yi du gong du). hahaha. The fact that I dare to stand up to her actually does frighten her a little, I think. Not sure abt the rest of u, perhaps we need to assert ourselves? Will this help your situations? I’m sure in most of yr situations, they won’t listen and just make themselves the most pitiful victims. I can totally imagine that. Heh. -
Hi there comrade surfermom
Reckon if we two serving army or become POW sure same camp
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Must not fall into their trap and strain relationship with hubby. Sometimes stand up for your right, sometimes play blur.... .. I can only stay 'sane' this way.
MIL doesn't get much support from son cause brought up by nanny and my hubby very bochap. Sometimes when MIL order food that he doesn't like he literally camp outside restaurant with handphone.
Oh yes ,present! I am not expecting big Lego sets or expensive toys. Even story book also jardi right? No No... my son got a $7.50 Ringgit remote control car meant for toddlers when he was six. I really had a good laugh :roll: -
3Boys:
erm.... very little husbands have issues with their MILs leh...Lets be fair. There are many MILs that are genuinely good people. I am blessed with one such. Although she is quite traditional in her outlook and so she and I don't see eye to eye on quite a few things, she commits a large chunk of her time to managing the babies and maid, and doing a good job at it.
hearsay is that mothers are generally kinder to their daughters (and their husband which meant in your position) than to their DIL.
ok, having said that, i have very good PIL, not without my share of rant, but good enough to agree with me that my husband (her son)'s interest is top priority....and they cook for me too :oops: ...Envy me anot? :oops:
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jedamum,
yah, envy envy… but mine only cook when her daughter is coming back, and I will usually provide the ingredients…
MIL is not so stingy on buying stuff for the kiddo. clothes from salvation army, is only $2 per piece, so cheap and still very good and new hor… its ok for me lah, i will still let the kids wear. cannot complain on this. -
3Boys:
3Boys,Lets be fair. There are many MILs that are genuinely good people. I am blessed with one such. Although she is quite traditional in her outlook and so she and I don't see eye to eye on quite a few things, she commits a large chunk of her time to managing the babies and maid, and doing a good job at it.
Reading through this thread just makes me feel extra lucky.
As I stated in an earlier post (for which I was soundly lambasted!), sometimes (and I emphasise SOME) its just a generational gap. A bit of live and let live goes some way.
yeap, you are very lucky to have a delicated MIL to help you manage the babies and maid. Mine want the babies to be looked after by the maid so she can have her own free time to enjoy - i can't fault this, cos I'm the kids mum. But my mum is prob same as your MIL as she is a very delicated caregiver and yet my MIL just wanna snatch the babies to be looked after by the maid... why? anyway, i stand firm on this issue - luckily DH supported me on this too - and we brought the kids back to my mum's place. I am expected to take leave to look after the kids myself. she will never ever postphone her golf to another day to help keep an eye on the kids. when my babies cry or scream at night, even if they are about to tear the whole house down, she is still blissfully asleep, would never wake up to check what happened. even during my confinement time when she told me that she will help look after the baby...
generation gap - i guess so too. except i think she is from the olden days thinking when the ladies still have to bond their feet, oops, no, i think even older then that even. cos my grandma, with her bonded feet, did not share the same kind of thinking as her even. MIL has the idea that DIL has very low status at home. DIL has to kneel down and serve tea to her every morning. i'm like the maid at the house i'm supposed to call home. -
Augmum:
this is what happened long time back...tree nymph, so sorri to hear what u had gone thru .....
hope things are much better for u now
And i was from a very traditional chinese school with very strong confucious influence. I respect elders, my teachers and although I am straight forward and buddly, i'm quite eager to please.
I agreed to stay with PILs cos FIL told me that they are getting on his years, and that they don't want to be alone in the house. and since i thought MIL is an educated lady and so should be quite open-minded. boy, i was really off... -
during my first confinement, my mum has to cook mee sua with threadfin and pork and tabao for me to eat. and when i were fitter, i got to go to the wet market to buy ingredients and supermarket for the grocery. even then, there was a lot of disputes and upsets in the house. so much so that i sank into depression and one fine day, i sat down and told MIL that if there are so much unhappiess going on with the birth of my baby boy, then he must be the devil. i will go to the nearest tall building and jump down with him as i can’t take all these nonsenese any longer.
I think everyone sat up and listened after this. I can’t remember very well then already because i was really about to lose my mind. but i remembered that MIL retreat and gave me a peaceful few months after this. -
Just in case you were thinking that my mum is younger then MIL… My mum is 4 years older. MIL was very strong and fit due to her regular exercise regime.
Did you engage a malay massage lady for post natal massage during confinement? I did. So did my MIL. she also wanna the massages… so i got to pay for my massages and hers as well.
auntieM,
same as yours. MIL also almost did not buy anything for me for confinement. She left me to pay for the household just before i got preggy with the first kid. so i got to continue from there and even though i just given birth, i was also expected to buy for the household… will continue my story more later… -
Tree nymph, it much be really tough what you are going through…, and on a daily basis. Stay cool oki!
When I was pregnant I had dinner once at MIL’s place. Exposed salted eggs n dated peanuts with porridge…
She bad mouth me and my mum big time coz you can ‘hear’ and sense the sarcastic remarks they make.
I left English name to hubby, and insist that Chinese name to be given by feng shui master. I wouldn’t compromise and end up never use the middle Chinese character for their family. Till now, almost 7 years later, his aunt will still ask me in full detail why boy’s name never follow family …blah …at least twice a year, in front of everyone.
Whether I 'm protrayed as super b***h or not I dun care liao, at least I have control over my little boy and myself. -
auntieM,
same with names. I came from very traditional chinese schools, must say that my chinese language is quite ok. Out of respect, I asked her to choose English names that she likes and we will pick one from her list. I have already had in mind the chinese name for my kid. She insisted that I have to get her mother to name the child. She said that the names she picked for the kids ended very well for the kids and that the names bring out the best for the kids. gosh, her mother really did think of a name: yong sheng. The name i choose has a very good meaning and i also have a few other words that i can use later for my other kids - already planned out well. Every day she would nag me to take the name that her mother has thought of. One day, I finally cannot take it and told her that I want to use the name I have prepared and she told me:\" who are you to name the baby? you know nothing about it and you obviously can't name the baby well. You are not fit since you are not old enough. better to use the name granny has choosen, she is after all, so old already so can think of good names...\"
upon hearing this, i ren ren ren... :x :x then cried in my room.
what did she mean that i'm not fit to name my own child? I AM HIS MOTHER! even if i were to name my baby ah gou ah pig, nobody can fault me too! and furthermore, i'm not an eighteen-year-old mummy, i was over thirty already when i have my first child!
no, i didn't give way and use yong sheng. but we spent money to engage a name master to 'count' his name... I'm not very happy still but this is a compromise that i settled.
i'm not making this episode up... what will you do if you were in my shoes and you are the DIL?
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