In-law problems?

[ponyo]

Hi tree nymph,


Sorry to hear of your problems. Really are like the long suffering DIL in those yue yu chan pian....you know those black and white kind where they always play this classical piece at the climax of the suffering:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXuzLRVi6qk

No trying to make light of your situation, but hopefully, can elicit a smile from you

Tho MIL is not as nasty as yours, I do have my fair share of conflicts with her esp when #1 was just born. Have learn to change my perspective (to preserve my own sanity) and see things from her point of view. Whether i agree with it is another matter but at least it's a way for me to rationalise her sometimes irrational behaviour. Hope you can try that too.

Can only thank God that am not staying with her as MIL herself is a victim of a bullied DIL in her younger days and she knows she has an extremely bad temper that perhaps only her own daughter can withstand so it was mutually agreed that we live near each other but not with each other...heng!

[janet88]

Hi Ladies,


Oh dear, to think you have suffered all these.
I refuse ‘honey honey’ with my PIL or they will climb on top of my head. My son at 10 knows how fake they are…I don’t brainwash him. I never stop hubby from going back to see them, but do not expect me to go along.

[buds]

auntieM:

Thx buds, swear stories all real oki :lol:.

Funny lay you. :lol:

auntieM:

Luckily I am staying with my own parents now.

Your own familiar territory mah.. so safer ground lah.

Your hubby okay with your side of the family?

auntieM:

My FIL said 'oh damn shit' when my hubby told him I am pregnant with a boy. How to forget such incidents?

About the \"damn shit\" part... :idea:

My FIL has a habit of spouting bad words.
Not that he's a bad person.. he just likes
to curse. In every line of conversation, he
will utter one bad word. And living with them
makes it hard for me to cover my children's
ears all the time cos it's like breathing to him.
Habitual trait since his growing years.

I had stinging hearing from all these years
being in the same house with him. He can do
it in sooooo many different dialects & languages!
I made sure i hmmph my unhappiness each time
he uttered one and will bring my kiddies away
from that conversation. He sensed that i was
really uptight about it and made effort to say
it less. He told hubs openly in front of me...
\"So difficult lah your wife and her family from
Shakespearean era... I hafta watch how i speak
each time in her presence. And her English so
Queens! I don't even understand what the kids
are saying. Their English is bombastic!\" At this,
i remember hubs answering as a matter of factly
that he can just speak as for normal minus the bad
words, that's all... and that he minds that the kiddies
are exposed to it too. So in short he just told his dad
cheekily to bite his tongue on the not-so-nice words..

On my end, i just tell the children that the words don't
mean very nice things hence it isn't nice to say them..
until today.

auntieM:

I am just trying to tell part of my story in a lighter manner, not in anyway trying to make ILs look bad

Uh-huh.. we don't want that do we? :rotflmao:

All we want is some TLC... tender... loving... care...
Just like our own mother would... especially for DILs
still living with the ILs, the ILs should cut the crap abt
any nonsensical ideas of us stealing their sons and all
that insinuations.. We are still practically living under
the same roof NOW! What's there for us to steal?
They're stealing our happy lives from us rather... the
lives that we could've have chosen to lead from the
beginning of marriage had we insistently chose to.

They say, if you have a daughter and she gets married,
you gain a son. Doesn't it hafta be vice versa that when
their son got married, the ILs / MILs gained a daughter?
Or perhaps they dun need daughters & dun care if they
gained one for that matter!

Stay together fine lah.. just dun give us problem lah!

[janet88]

I wouldn’t stay with them for more than 3 hours, let alone one night. For the past 10 years of my marriage, I stay miles away and keep my lips sealed in their presence so as not to incur problems.


The paternal grandmother only has 3 grandchildren-one boy and 2 girls. She has never bothered what her grandson likes to eat. There was once she asked me after 9 years and the idiotic reply I got was ‘wah, so precious ah?’ BTW, my son loves to eat braised mushrooms. Not braised abalone. She as the so-called grandmother shouldnt say such things.

[buds]

Since i'm on the track on FIL, i would like to expand further

on him being a contrast to MIL. He dotes on the children A
LOT & i truly appreciate his stance on playing neutral party.
He tries not to take sides during misunderstandings but i hear
him nagging his wife about her mouth and the stuff she says..
(behind closed doors). He tells her to so termed : forget about
it already kinda closure. MIL however is adamant that she wins
each time. So, in cases where MIL gets confrontational, he will
pull MIL into their room and tell me to go to mine and take the
children inside... My children will ask why MIL like that, and i'll
just tell them, she probably is having a bad day and they will
wipe the tears off my cheeks and give me lotsa huggie-wuggies
inside the room. When the coast is clear, i'll bring the kiddies
out to the playground to play. I find solace in playing with them
and just letting go of the child side in me. We will all come back
adrenaline pumping and happier. Doesn't matter anymore even
if we come back to a black face. We went out and de-stressed!
So, like... whatever.

FIL's presence in the house that help make tacky situations less
in-yer-face and he is quite the joker. He tries to make light of the
issues we face through his jokes to ease tension. Just that at times
when we need him to be serious, hard to get him back on the issue
at hand.

I remember one occasion after a big argument, FIL told MIL in her
face. \"Please lah, they willing to let us stay with them so don't give
people unnecessary problems with your tantrums and outburst. Not
many children / DILs wanna stay with ILs if you noe wat i mean...
No need to look so far.. look at our other son.. quickly follow his
wife and cha-but to another house away from us and not even
telling us in advance.. he just went pecking after his wife.\" :lol:

For FIL, i find the light side of him rather endearing. Except those
times he sides with his wife (even when she's totally at fault!)
when she threatens him and starts to get authoritative on him. :x

Bully.

I hate bullies.

[tree nymph]

buds,

lucky you still got a FIL who understands his wife very much and can stand up to the wife.

not mine leh...

We are staying in HIS house not ours, I think MIL has the thinking that we are living off him and so i have to see her face colour. She really does not appreciate us staying with them. Now you mentioned it, DILs in general do not want to stay with ILs liao, I've heard this so many times when i told people that we stay with them...

me too, trying to keep my sanity leh... staying with them coming 10 years liao. getting more and more tedious maintaining clear headed-ness. that's why i could never give up my full time job. Its my de-stress time! but on the other hand, i am also constantly worried what my MIL will say to my kids when I'm not around. I kept telling myself that I cannot be like her when i got old, so worried that her siao-ness will grow in me leh! anyway i also don't wanna stay with any of the ILs when my kids get married (if they get married). I've suffered a lot staying with IL and i don't want any of them to suffer like how i've suffered. i want my kids and their family to be happy and no stress from me! :love:

[janet88]

Hi buds,

You are lucky to have an understanding FIL.
Mine acts like a mouse at home…quiet on the outside and cunny on the inside. Very scary.

It’s never easy to stay with ILs. NEVER.

Hi Tree Nymph,
Have you thought of getting your own place ? Why wait till your kids have grown up ? You need a life too. The fortunate thing is you are holding a full time job, or else will go mad staying at home. My hubby’s mother only regards her children as humans, not her son-in-law or daughters-in-law. She puts on a show in front of her sons, like some poor old thing. Behind their back, her devil horns appear. This is the reason why my hubby will never see her true self.

[tree nymph]

janet,

Yes, thinking of moving out. but FIL kept begging us to stay. Honestly, I pity him, and i feel lousy leaving him behind the house. But if we don’t move, it will be unhealthy for us too… we were chased out of the house twice already by MIL! that is another story liao… FIL kept begging us to come back and to stay… but this is also not solving the problem…

[auntieM]

Really really not easy .....


Dear Buds, my hubby is extremely nice to my parents, even after all these years. I am the only child so when we first dated more than 20 years ago I told him I would like to stay with my parents.
He travels frequently so it was good to have my folks around.

[buds]

auntieM, guess as an only child either

you stay on your own or stay with yer
own parents would be the most ideal
arrangement in your case.. :celebrate:

Well, you're one of the few lucky ones
who managed to get out of the rut, aye!

Your hubby understands your tension
with his mommy?