In-law problems?

[Andaiz]

tree nymph:

Andaiz,

how's the book? \"The Other Woman in your Marriage\"... does it offer any insights and useful tips?

It's quite good for a rookie DIL (bought it before marraige) and it talks about trying to understand MILs, how to maintain good relationship and since it is written for an ang mo audience, the \"festive minefields\" section needs to be applied everyday.

But one very important factor that they say (and I agree) is that the Spouse is a great support factor. And when all else fails, implore their sense of protection over their son(s) and tell them that the one who suffers is HIM!

Actually, the one I truly enjoyed is this book by a Malaysian author (I got directly through the internet so you can google) entitled MOTHER-IN-LAW, DAUGHTER-IN-LAW. It's very Asian in context so many things like \"face\", \"only one son\" etc are very relevant. Plus it ain't preachy - just very funny! :love:

[auntieM]

Hi all,

Seems that some MILs don’t have basic manners…wonder what will happen if their personal stuff gets meddled with, thrown or given to maid.

[Andaiz]

lovekidsverymuch:

..


When i told my DH bout it he says its ok she has not taken anything she is trying to tidy ur stuff i was like :x

wah, lovekidsverymuch, you're very patient leh... I'd have :rant: :nunchuk: I tidy MY stuff the way I like it done!

[winth]

tree nymph:

winth:

CNY coming.


SIL bec she is now married out so had to have CNY dinners with her own in-laws. So, now reunion dinner is changed to reunion lunch and I'm free from the reunion dinner with PIL.

After struggling for so many years on how we should arrange reunion dinners, finally, and thanks to SIL, now I get to have reunion dinner with my parents.

Last time, CNY was like dat:
- CNY eve, eat reunion dinner at MIL place as a family
- Day 1, eat dinner at MIL's elder sis place with her relatives*
- Day 2, eat dinner at MIL place together with her relatives* (she's ranked number 2 among the sisters)
- Day 3, eat dinner at MIL's younger sis place with her relatives*

*same batch of relatives

I'm no one's daughter and FIL doesn't get to eat dinner with his own relatives. Only first day of CNY, morning is allocated for him to visit his elder brother.

Last CNY, lagi worse, went for Malaysia trip with her side relatives to Cameron (nightmare trip), back home by Day 1 evening. Day 2 supposed to follow the above schedule, and was told that we just need to pay respects to my parents on Day 2 lunch hour.

winth,
you win liao! and you go with it?? :shock:

my MIL also treats me like I'm no one's daughter and we have to follow her's and her daughter's schedule. cos only her daugher and herself has a mother and no one else has a mother leh...

That was for the first few years.

And now every year (think since last 2 years), we go visit our parents on day 1 in the late afternoon right after the new year visits with FIL's relatives. Nowa'years', MIL told us that we don't have to go visit FIL's relatives too if we are tired. But MIL would tell us that we must go to her elder sis to pay respects (erm, i'm not the least related to her) and have dinner there. DH finally told her the big 'NO' few years back cos I would quarrel with DH all these years, how come I don't seem to be able to even visit my side's parents and relatives.

Now, we go for day 2 and day 3 schedule. I don't detest DH's third aunt cos she's a really sincere lady and I know that she doesn't gossip about me with MIL. She talks to me really nicely and I would like to go to her place to just sit around. So, that's not too much of obligation.

Now I'm just so happy that bec of MIL's daughter, she suggested reunion lunch. DH said he's fine with reunion dinner with my family or we just a cosy dinner as a family. I'm just so HAPPY!

[hquek]

hi winth,


congratulations on your 解脱. I’m lucky cos MIL’s DD married before us, so reunion makan prior to the actual day was set as such.

[3Boys]

Despite my misgivings, I must say some of you ladies really do crack me up with your posts :lol: .


buds, tree nymph, I don't doubt you have problems lah......read my post again, I think you'll understand what I am getting at.

[tree nymph]

hi winth,


so happy for you!

i'm still doing my reunion lunch with my parents and dinner with in-laws. For us, its exactly opposite of yours, DH's married sister's family can join us for the reunion dinner, cos her own married SIL's family can't do reunion dinner...

I'm ok with dinners with in-laws in general, very used to it liao. even the cold shoulders i get from MIL when her daugher and her kids are around is also ok for me, its like part of the dinner...

[Andaiz]

Found this very interesting advice on the website wholefamily.com:


How To Improve The Mother-In-Law / Daughter-In-Law Relationship

Each of us needs to feel important and appreciated. These feelings are fostered when we treat each other with respect at the outset of an in-law relationship. One newlywed told her mother-in-law at the wedding, \"Thank-you very much for your son.\" The mother-in-law still beams with pleasure ten years later when she recounts her daughter-in-law's comment. Verbalizing \"thank-you\" in words or writing is important. A mother-in-law who tells her daughter-in-law: \"I am happy that David chose you and that you are happy together\" is off to a good start.

Also, a spouse should make sure that his or her partner feels valued, the most important person in their partner's lives. Many parent-in-law irritations diminish and even disappear when the married couple is secure that he/she is valued above all others.

Advice to mothers-in-law: Becoming a mother-in-law does not include the same privileges of being a mother. You can no longer offer suggestions, visit, or phone your married children freely, especially the first year. Step back and refrain from unsolicited suggestions and criticism.

Advice to daughters-in-law: To improve your relationship takes effort: be attentive and respectful. Value your mother-in-law as an individual, not just for her utilitarian value. Remember that your mother-in-law expects and needs the same courtesy and respect you do.

\"Simple Politeness and Graciousness are Equal to Wind and Water, in Changing Matters\" This maxim is an important rule for both daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Respect and kindness are what each needs to enjoy this potentially wonderful relationship.

[tree nymph]

Andaiz:

Found this very interesting advice on the website wholefamily.com:


How To Improve The Mother-In-Law / Daughter-In-Law Relationship

Each of us needs to feel important and appreciated. These feelings are fostered when we treat each other with respect at the outset of an in-law relationship. One newlywed told her mother-in-law at the wedding, \"Thank-you very much for your son.\" The mother-in-law still beams with pleasure ten years later when she recounts her daughter-in-law's comment. Verbalizing \"thank-you\" in words or writing is important. A mother-in-law who tells her daughter-in-law: \"I am happy that David chose you and that you are happy together\" is off to a good start.

Also, a spouse should make sure that his or her partner feels valued, the most important person in their partner's lives. Many parent-in-law irritations diminish and even disappear when the married couple is secure that he/she is valued above all others.

Advice to mothers-in-law: Becoming a mother-in-law does not include the same privileges of being a mother. You can no longer offer suggestions, visit, or phone your married children freely, especially the first year. Step back and refrain from unsolicited suggestions and criticism.

Advice to daughters-in-law: To improve your relationship takes effort: be attentive and respectful. Value your mother-in-law as an individual, not just for her utilitarian value. Remember that your mother-in-law expects and needs the same courtesy and respect you do.

\"Simple Politeness and Graciousness are Equal to Wind and Water, in Changing Matters\" This maxim is an important rule for both daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Respect and kindness are what each needs to enjoy this potentially wonderful relationship.

hear hear! Thanks for sharing this wonderful write-up. Will bear this in mind...

psst........ can someone email this to my dearest MIL??

[autumnbronze]

Andaiz:

Found this very interesting advice on the website wholefamily.com:


How To Improve The Mother-In-Law / Daughter-In-Law Relationship

Each of us needs to feel important and appreciated. These feelings are fostered when we treat each other with respect at the outset of an in-law relationship. One newlywed told her mother-in-law at the wedding, \"Thank-you very much for your son.\" The mother-in-law still beams with pleasure ten years later when she recounts her daughter-in-law's comment. Verbalizing \"thank-you\" in words or writing is important. A mother-in-law who tells her daughter-in-law: \"I am happy that David chose you and that you are happy together\" is off to a good start.

Also, a spouse should make sure that his or her partner feels valued, the most important person in their partner's lives. Many parent-in-law irritations diminish and even disappear when the married couple is secure that he/she is valued above all others.


Advice to mothers-in-law:. Becoming a mother-in-law does not include the same privileges of being a mother. You can no longer offer suggestions, visit, or phone your married children freely, especially the first year. Step back and refrain from unsolicited suggestions and criticism.

Advice to daughters-in-law:To improve your relationship takes effort: be attentive and respectful. Value your mother-in-law as an individual, not just for her utilitarian value. Remember that your mother-in-law expects and needs the same courtesy and respect you do.

\"Simple Politeness and Graciousness are Equal to Wind and Water, in Changing Matters\" This maxim is an important rule for both daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Respect and kindness are what each needs to enjoy this potentially wonderful relationship.

Andaiz,

This is really v v good. I esp like the advice part. Am gonna print it out and put it on my kitchen notice board - a subtle strategy being used here ...

Thank you for sharing.