In-law problems?
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hi winth,
so happy for you!
i'm still doing my reunion lunch with my parents and dinner with in-laws. For us, its exactly opposite of yours, DH's married sister's family can join us for the reunion dinner, cos her own married SIL's family can't do reunion dinner...
I'm ok with dinners with in-laws in general, very used to it liao. even the cold shoulders i get from MIL when her daugher and her kids are around is also ok for me, its like part of the dinner...
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Found this very interesting advice on the website wholefamily.com:
How To Improve The Mother-In-Law / Daughter-In-Law Relationship
Each of us needs to feel important and appreciated. These feelings are fostered when we treat each other with respect at the outset of an in-law relationship. One newlywed told her mother-in-law at the wedding, \"Thank-you very much for your son.\" The mother-in-law still beams with pleasure ten years later when she recounts her daughter-in-law's comment. Verbalizing \"thank-you\" in words or writing is important. A mother-in-law who tells her daughter-in-law: \"I am happy that David chose you and that you are happy together\" is off to a good start.
Also, a spouse should make sure that his or her partner feels valued, the most important person in their partner's lives. Many parent-in-law irritations diminish and even disappear when the married couple is secure that he/she is valued above all others.
Advice to mothers-in-law: Becoming a mother-in-law does not include the same privileges of being a mother. You can no longer offer suggestions, visit, or phone your married children freely, especially the first year. Step back and refrain from unsolicited suggestions and criticism.
Advice to daughters-in-law: To improve your relationship takes effort: be attentive and respectful. Value your mother-in-law as an individual, not just for her utilitarian value. Remember that your mother-in-law expects and needs the same courtesy and respect you do.
\"Simple Politeness and Graciousness are Equal to Wind and Water, in Changing Matters\" This maxim is an important rule for both daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Respect and kindness are what each needs to enjoy this potentially wonderful relationship. -
Andaiz:
hear hear! Thanks for sharing this wonderful write-up. Will bear this in mind...Found this very interesting advice on the website wholefamily.com:
How To Improve The Mother-In-Law / Daughter-In-Law Relationship
Each of us needs to feel important and appreciated. These feelings are fostered when we treat each other with respect at the outset of an in-law relationship. One newlywed told her mother-in-law at the wedding, \"Thank-you very much for your son.\" The mother-in-law still beams with pleasure ten years later when she recounts her daughter-in-law's comment. Verbalizing \"thank-you\" in words or writing is important. A mother-in-law who tells her daughter-in-law: \"I am happy that David chose you and that you are happy together\" is off to a good start.
Also, a spouse should make sure that his or her partner feels valued, the most important person in their partner's lives. Many parent-in-law irritations diminish and even disappear when the married couple is secure that he/she is valued above all others.
Advice to mothers-in-law: Becoming a mother-in-law does not include the same privileges of being a mother. You can no longer offer suggestions, visit, or phone your married children freely, especially the first year. Step back and refrain from unsolicited suggestions and criticism.
Advice to daughters-in-law: To improve your relationship takes effort: be attentive and respectful. Value your mother-in-law as an individual, not just for her utilitarian value. Remember that your mother-in-law expects and needs the same courtesy and respect you do.
\"Simple Politeness and Graciousness are Equal to Wind and Water, in Changing Matters\" This maxim is an important rule for both daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Respect and kindness are what each needs to enjoy this potentially wonderful relationship.
psst........ can someone email this to my dearest MIL?? -
Andaiz:
Andaiz,Found this very interesting advice on the website wholefamily.com:
How To Improve The Mother-In-Law / Daughter-In-Law Relationship
Each of us needs to feel important and appreciated. These feelings are fostered when we treat each other with respect at the outset of an in-law relationship. One newlywed told her mother-in-law at the wedding, \"Thank-you very much for your son.\" The mother-in-law still beams with pleasure ten years later when she recounts her daughter-in-law's comment. Verbalizing \"thank-you\" in words or writing is important. A mother-in-law who tells her daughter-in-law: \"I am happy that David chose you and that you are happy together\" is off to a good start.
Also, a spouse should make sure that his or her partner feels valued, the most important person in their partner's lives. Many parent-in-law irritations diminish and even disappear when the married couple is secure that he/she is valued above all others.
Advice to mothers-in-law:. Becoming a mother-in-law does not include the same privileges of being a mother. You can no longer offer suggestions, visit, or phone your married children freely, especially the first year. Step back and refrain from unsolicited suggestions and criticism.
Advice to daughters-in-law:To improve your relationship takes effort: be attentive and respectful. Value your mother-in-law as an individual, not just for her utilitarian value. Remember that your mother-in-law expects and needs the same courtesy and respect you do.
\"Simple Politeness and Graciousness are Equal to Wind and Water, in Changing Matters\" This maxim is an important rule for both daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Respect and kindness are what each needs to enjoy this potentially wonderful relationship.
This is really v v good. I esp like the advice part. Am gonna print it out and put it on my kitchen notice board - a subtle strategy being used here ...
Thank you for sharing. -
Andaiz,
I think I need to add on:
MIL - must not think that the spouse your son chose is in any way inferior to your own flesh and blood. They should be on equal standing.
Mutual respect for each other is vital to a healthy relationship. -
3Boys:
you know, i just wanna a MIL who treats me with respect like what she expected to be treated. very simple stuff... but its so difficult.Despite my misgivings, I must say some of you ladies really do crack me up with your posts :lol: .
buds, tree nymph, I don't doubt you have problems lah......read my post again, I think you'll understand what I am getting at.
used to hold gatherings with my friends in my parent's place before i got married, now i can't because MIL doesn't like it and will always complain about it after the gatherings. I don't go into the kitchen anymore because that is also a sensitive area... very hard...
But i think buds can ren better then me... she is doing better then me!
:salute: -
Andaiz:
Instead of Thank-you, my MIL commented to my mum \"Dunno how long they (me and her son) will last?\" during our ROM day. And no wishes from her too....Found this very interesting advice on the website wholefamily.com:
How To Improve The Mother-In-Law / Daughter-In-Law Relationship
Each of us needs to feel important and appreciated. These feelings are fostered when we treat each other with respect at the outset of an in-law relationship. One newlywed told her mother-in-law at the wedding, \"Thank-you very much for your son.\" The mother-in-law still beams with pleasure ten years later when she recounts her daughter-in-law's comment. Verbalizing \"thank-you\" in words or writing is important. A mother-in-law who tells her daughter-in-law: \"I am happy that David chose you and that you are happy together\" is off to a good start.
Also, a spouse should make sure that his or her partner feels valued, the most important person in their partner's lives. Many parent-in-law irritations diminish and even disappear when the married couple is secure that he/she is valued above all others.
Advice to mothers-in-law: Becoming a mother-in-law does not include the same privileges of being a mother. You can no longer offer suggestions, visit, or phone your married children freely, especially the first year. Step back and refrain from unsolicited suggestions and criticism.
Advice to daughters-in-law: To improve your relationship takes effort: be attentive and respectful. Value your mother-in-law as an individual, not just for her utilitarian value. Remember that your mother-in-law expects and needs the same courtesy and respect you do.
\"Simple Politeness and Graciousness are Equal to Wind and Water, in Changing Matters\" This maxim is an important rule for both daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Respect and kindness are what each needs to enjoy this potentially wonderful relationship. -
shine_fs:
shine_fs,
Instead of Thank-you, my MIL commented to my mum \"Dunno how long they (me and her son) will last?\" during our ROM day. And no wishes from her too....Andaiz:
Found this very interesting advice on the website wholefamily.com:
How To Improve The Mother-In-Law / Daughter-In-Law Relationship
Each of us needs to feel important and appreciated. These feelings are fostered when we treat each other with respect at the outset of an in-law relationship. One newlywed told her mother-in-law at the wedding, \"Thank-you very much for your son.\" The mother-in-law still beams with pleasure ten years later when she recounts her daughter-in-law's comment. Verbalizing \"thank-you\" in words or writing is important. A mother-in-law who tells her daughter-in-law: \"I am happy that David chose you and that you are happy together\" is off to a good start.
Also, a spouse should make sure that his or her partner feels valued, the most important person in their partner's lives. Many parent-in-law irritations diminish and even disappear when the married couple is secure that he/she is valued above all others.
Advice to mothers-in-law: Becoming a mother-in-law does not include the same privileges of being a mother. You can no longer offer suggestions, visit, or phone your married children freely, especially the first year. Step back and refrain from unsolicited suggestions and criticism.
Advice to daughters-in-law: To improve your relationship takes effort: be attentive and respectful. Value your mother-in-law as an individual, not just for her utilitarian value. Remember that your mother-in-law expects and needs the same courtesy and respect you do.
\"Simple Politeness and Graciousness are Equal to Wind and Water, in Changing Matters\" This maxim is an important rule for both daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Respect and kindness are what each needs to enjoy this potentially wonderful relationship.
I think someone has to email this to your MIL too...
what a lousy start of the marriage and an in-law relationship with your spouse's mother! -
autumnbronze:
I'm enlarging the fonts and placing it in a VERY STRATEGIC (read: obvious) place in my house.
Andaiz,
This is really v v good. I esp like the advice part. Am gonna print it out and put it on my kitchen notice board - a subtle strategy being used here ...
Thank you for sharing.
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This gets better...
I'm framing this up for my future reference...
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2401096/how_to_be_a_good_mother_in_law_to_your.html?cat=25
How to Be a Good Mother in Law to Your Daughter in Law
By Rachel Carpenter (joyful327)
You rocked him as baby, kissed his \"ouchies\" when he got hurt, taught him to read, and helped him with his algebra homework. You've been his personal chef, nurse, counselor, housekeeper, chauffer and perhaps even fire fighter. And, now your little boy is all grown up and has another woman in his life: your daughter in law.
I know, I know, you've heard all the negative stories and issues that come with being a daughter in law. Some daughter in law relationships are wonderful, others are, well, not so much. Here are some tips on how to have a positive relationship with your daughter in law.
How to Be a Good Mother in Law Tip #1: Never, ever gossip about her.
One of the best ways to ruin a mother and daughter in law relationship is to gossip about her. Gossip is hurtful, tasteless, and inappropriate. As a general rule, never badmouth her to your friends, family (especially other daughters in laws), coworkers, etc. More that likely the gossip will eventually get back to her, and when it does she will lose trust in you.
Gossip will cause other people to see your daughter in law though a different lens. It can have serious consequences. If you aren't sure what gossip is, please read \"Is it Gossip? 7 Ways to Tell.\" As a general rule, don't talk about her behind her back.
If she has done something that has really hurt you, and you feel that you need to talk with someone about it, choose one close friend that does not know her. (And, never will know her or meet her.) Ask your friend to maintain confidentiality. But, do not, tell your church friends, yoga partner and your next door neighbor about your daughter-in-laws behavior. If necessary, hire a counselor for a third party opinion.
How to Be a Good Mother in Law Tip #2: Never criticize her.
It is not your place, nor your business to critique her. Never criticize her cooking, her home, her job, or anything about her in general. It won't help matters at all, and can just back it worse.
How to Be a Good Mother in Law Tip #3: Never criticize her children or her parenting styles.
In addition, you should never, ever criticize her parenting skills. For example, if she chooses to breastfeed, don't make any negative remark about breastfeeding. Don't criticize her on the way she dresses her children and her disciplining methods.
Now, obviously, if you are concerned about the safety of your child, you should confront your son. However, do it in a very polite and tactful manner.
How to Be a Good Mother in Law Tip #4: Don't expect your son and your daughter in law to be at every family function.
Remember that she has a family to, and might want to spend the holidays with them. Don't expect your son and daughter in law to be at every family function. Now, if they are spending every holiday and vacation with her parents, it is understandable how that can be upsetting. In that situation, the best thing to do is to confront your son politely and that you would like them to spend some holidays with you. Another option is to have Thanksgiving at a different time (such as the middle of November) and celebrate Christmas late.
How to Be a Good Mother in Law Tip #5: Treat her with respect.
Treat her how you would like to be treated. Even if she is disrespectful to you, respect her at all times.
How to Be a Good Mother in Law Tip #6: Avoid giving her unsolicited advice.
It is not your place, nor your business, to be giving her advice. Unless she asks for it, do not offer tips and advice on parenting, cooking, housekeeping and more. It is rude, and infers that you know more than she does.
These are just a few tips on how to be a good mother in law. Take it easy, hang in there, and be the best that you can be!
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