In-law problems?
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tree nymph:
shine_fs,
Instead of Thank-you, my MIL commented to my mum \"Dunno how long they (me and her son) will last?\" during our ROM day. And no wishes from her too....shine_fs:
[quote=\"Andaiz\"]Found this very interesting advice on the website wholefamily.com:
How To Improve The Mother-In-Law / Daughter-In-Law Relationship
Each of us needs to feel important and appreciated. These feelings are fostered when we treat each other with respect at the outset of an in-law relationship. One newlywed told her mother-in-law at the wedding, \"Thank-you very much for your son.\" The mother-in-law still beams with pleasure ten years later when she recounts her daughter-in-law's comment. Verbalizing \"thank-you\" in words or writing is important. A mother-in-law who tells her daughter-in-law: \"I am happy that David chose you and that you are happy together\" is off to a good start.
Also, a spouse should make sure that his or her partner feels valued, the most important person in their partner's lives. Many parent-in-law irritations diminish and even disappear when the married couple is secure that he/she is valued above all others.
Advice to mothers-in-law: Becoming a mother-in-law does not include the same privileges of being a mother. You can no longer offer suggestions, visit, or phone your married children freely, especially the first year. Step back and refrain from unsolicited suggestions and criticism.
Advice to daughters-in-law: To improve your relationship takes effort: be attentive and respectful. Value your mother-in-law as an individual, not just for her utilitarian value. Remember that your mother-in-law expects and needs the same courtesy and respect you do.
\"Simple Politeness and Graciousness are Equal to Wind and Water, in Changing Matters\" This maxim is an important rule for both daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Respect and kindness are what each needs to enjoy this potentially wonderful relationship.
I think someone has to email this to your MIL too...
what a lousy start of the marriage and an in-law relationship with your spouse's mother![/quote]ya...our relationship is bad till today.... -
tree nymph:
That's why I say different expectations lar, no right or wrong. Sorry to be brusque, but if it were my DIL, I also won't let her hold a gathering at my house if they were living with us. Certainly if I were staying with my MIL, that's something I would never even think of doing.
used to hold gatherings with my friends in my parent's place before i got married, now i can't because MIL doesn't like it and will always complain about it after the gatherings. I don't go into the kitchen anymore because that is also a sensitive area... very hard...3Boys:
Despite my misgivings, I must say some of you ladies really do crack me up with your posts :lol: .
buds, tree nymph, I don't doubt you have problems lah......read my post again, I think you'll understand what I am getting at. -
If you really get into the different grouses here, you will see that although seemingly unified by a dislike for an OGRE MIL, there are actually 3 different flavours to the complaints. And some of them are more reasonable than others
The complainants may think they agree on the key issues, but actually if you tease it out, some of the positions taken are at least 90 degrees to each other.
There are some genuine hardship cases here, you know who you are, and my sympathies are with you. I sincerely hope you can think of some creative way to defuse the situation or maybe put your foot down with DH to sort things out. The rest of the post is not for you, so good luck.
Other things I don't see as being totally reasonable.
If there is one truth in life, is that we Judge Others by their Actions, and Ourselves by our Ideals.
We can make pronouncements about what great ILs we WILL be in the future. Well, it ain't happened yet, and talk is cheap. And then there is the wonderful list about what a Good MIL should be like. When you stick that on your fridge, remember to give your MIL the link so that she can go download the one for Good DILs and stick it next to yours.
Then we complain that we want them out of our lives and hair, but when we need cover so that we can take that holiday or for some emergency, \"WHOA, MIL, how can you run off playing golf!! I gotta take e-leave and now my boss is on my back.....\" You can't have it both ways, take the good with the bad.
You don't want them to interject? I told of a case where a misguided new mum was so adamant on full breast-feeding, that the DH and mum had to forcefully remove the infant to prevent her starving to death. Pregnancies and post-birth are heated, exciting and emotional periods, people do and say stupid things, including yourself. Perceptions are also heightened, and a tired, desperate new mum is especially sensitive to any remark that may be perceived as criticism. Put yourself in their shoes, if they perceive a danger to the infant, what do you EXPECT them to do? Put it past you and don't hold a grudge.
CNY. Its a no win situation isn't it? My mum confided she finds is a real chore to organise, but if she don't, then how does the family get together? She sees it as her DUTY. Her kids (us) basically too lazy to do anything, I go get a free makan, ang-pow for kids, wives along (thankfully they know a good deal and have the sense to clam up), is it such a burden? Yeah, it won't be perfect, and it'll be less interesting for some than for others. But its what you make of it, isn't it. What will you do when its YOUR turn? You gonna organise a dinner, set the table so that your precious DS can bring along that useless DIL that you don't even like?
Yep, its great fun ridiculing their mannerisms. Your cute, obedient 6 y.o. DD, fast forward 10 years to a not so cute, dyed-hair 16 y.o. teen horror, on a chatroom with her friends; \"You know my b.... of a mum! Good grief, she would NOT let me have the party in the house. Yeah, and she is so obiang, wonder why dad hasn't run off with someone else by now. Can you believe her superstitions? I mean, she made me move my furniture to have better 'feng-shui', can you beat that?\" Then we scratch our heads and wonder, where on earth did they learn to be so heartless and disrespectful? -
3Boys:
That's why I say different expectations lar, no right or wrong. Sorry to be brusque, but if it were my DIL, I also won't let her hold a gathering at my house if they were living with us. Certainly if I were staying with my MIL, that's something I would never even think of doing.[/quote]Hi,
used to hold gatherings with my friends in my parent's place before i got married, now i can't because MIL doesn't like it and will always complain about it after the gatherings. I don't go into the kitchen anymore because that is also a sensitive area... very hard...tree nymph:
[quote=\"3Boys\"]Despite my misgivings, I must say some of you ladies really do crack me up with your posts :lol: .
buds, tree nymph, I don't doubt you have problems lah......read my post again, I think you'll understand what I am getting at.
understand that. but its for my 3 kid's first month baby shower... the guest lists - PIL relatives and some of DH's close friends. #1, at the house - its also where we stay. then because of the complaints, we held #2 and #3 ones outside...
i mean, if we were to stay together, shouldn't we get some freedom to do some things? and we did ask for permission before and organized everything. if one is so calculative, then its better not to stay together as an extended family...
jia jia you ben nan nian de jin... qing kwan nan duan jia wu shi... very difficult.
For the how to list - i totally grateful for the tips. but the reverse is also true for us DIL. But i really do agree that respect for each other is very important... and really have to watch that passing remarks! MIL is a nice person, she is filial to her parents and a good sister to her siblings. She is a loyal friend too. She just cannot accept me, i think its probably not me, by and large, any woman who may be her DIL. I think she just don't think that there are anyone in this world who can be an equal then her own flesh and blood... there's just so many issues and so many sorrows.
i really want to stay out now before the relationship gets any worst. maybe then, when we can maintain our sanity and not at each other's throat constantly, then we could mend the relationship and hopefully we can have better relationship after that. and when the time comes that they are too old and need us around, we then may stay together again. by then maybe we would have achieve a certain level of understanding to appreciate each other and can live in harmony. i pray for the day...
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3Boys:
That's why I say different expectations lar, no right or wrong. Sorry to be brusque, but if it were my DIL, I also won't let her hold a gathering at my house if they were living with us. Certainly if I were staying with my MIL, that's something I would never even think of doing.
Hi,
understand that. but its for my 3 kid's first month baby shower... the guest lists - PIL relatives and some of DH's close friends. #1, at the house - its also where we stay. then because of the complaints, we held #2 and #3 ones outside...
i mean, if we were to stay together, shouldn't we get some freedom to do some things? and we did ask for permission before and organized everything. if one is so calculative, then its better not to stay together as an extended family...
jia jia you ben nan nian de jin... qing kwan nan duan jia wu shi... very difficult.
for the list of tips on how-to, i totally agreed with the tips. And this how-to, also works for DIL right? its a double-edged sword. But i really do agree that respect for each other is very important... and really have to watch that passing remarks! MIL is a nice person, she is filial to her parents and a good sister to her siblings. She is a loyal friend too. She just cannot accept me, i think its probably not me, by and large, any woman who may be her DIL. there's just so many issues and so many sorrows.
truth be told, i didn't even dare to ask my parents to come over to see me and the new babies during my confinement... YES, Its that bad...
when i was going to give birth to my 2nd baby, i was still very busy going to supermarket and markets buying groceries for the house and food for everyone and a little more in case i go for my labour. the maid didn't inform me that we are running low on rice. My MIL infront of everyone, that is, FIL and DH, told me not to worry and that she will get the rice and all the food stuff during my confinement. For my 2nd confinement, i got clever, we got a confinement lady to help to cook and look after the baby. My baby was 4.2kg at birth and it was a natural birth with no pain killers. BUT my MIL didn't do any marketing. My mum got to do the marketing in the East and send it to us in the West. Nevermind, on day 5, MIL informed me that there's no more rice and asked me to go get it from the supermarket. 10kg a pack and i need to get 2 packs. I almost fainted in the supermarket. and this got better. for my 3rd (and definately the last) confinement, the day i check-out of the hospital, i got to go to the supermarket to get food stuff already. but this time round, i got the maid to follow me. still it was an ordeal and i was very tired and weak, having just given birth 2 days ago...
and her daugher? 7 mths preggy and she wanted us to take turns to be her driver and drive her around. said that its very tiring to be pregnant and can't drive comfortably so we had to be her drivers. I took the bus and walk home even to the day before i was giving birth. didn't hear anyone telling anybody to fetch me - not even from the bus stop. and i also need to carry my big tummy to the market to do marketing for the family. the stall holders would ask me how come i'm still doing marketing with such a big tummy and carrying heavy stuff... i just smile... and some of them are so nice to help me bring the heavy stuff to the car...
i really want to stay out now before the relationship gets any worst. maybe then, when we can maintain our sanity and not at each other's throat constantly, then we could mend the relationship and hopefully we can have better relationship after that. and when the time comes that they are too old and need us around, we then may stay together again. by then maybe we would have achieve a certain level of understanding to appreciate each other and can live in harmony. i pray for the day...
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Andaiz:
Ha! That's exactly what she did during our first 2 years into our marriage. She calls and calls every weekend to different phones - house phone and his mobile just to ask if we are coming.Advice to mothers-in-law:[/u] Becoming a mother-in-law does not include the same privileges of being a mother. You can no longer offer suggestions, visit, or phone your married children freely, especially the first year. Step back and refrain from unsolicited suggestions and criticism.
If DH tells her that he's busy or needs to rest due to his work during weekdays, she'll tell him that she has already broiled soup and prepared our dinner.
If we were taking our naps, she will call till he wakes up and answers the phone call. There was never a 'no, I can't go' cos there will be reasons why we have to go. And if we go for dinner on a Saturday, she will tell us that she needs to go this temple, this shopping centre, this beach on the Sunday and we should be present. Our weekends are always burnt in the early part of our marriage. If we reach her house at 6pm, MIL or SIL will say that we are so late. But we didn't have a car then, we need to take MRT and bus and needs to be out by 430pm.
Then we tried another technique cos she always prepares our dinner.
- We called her way in the am that we won't go, she'll say that she bought the ingredients and it's already defrosting.
- Then we called her 2 days in advance to tell her we can't go, she'll say that she already bought the fresh foods from the market in preparation for the family dinner
It's like: there is no way out for us cos we have to go.
NOW, MIL's own daughter is married. If she's sick/tired, MIL will tell her 'no problem, rest at home'. Now her daughter is handling her own in-laws, MIL gladly took the backseat and is so considerate about her needs.
NOW, if MIL's daughter cannot make it for Saturday, she'll change to Sunday for her. It's really okay, even if her food is defrosting, she'll just put it back in freezer quickly for her.
But well, till now, we have to be present for dinner.
DH tried to say that he's real tired and wants to rest at home, SIL will tell him, \"Tired also need to eat right??\"
With that, we got nothing to say.
End of story. -
BUT
I have to say that it’s getting better every year cos we start to know her ‘patterns’.
And after quite abit arguments between DH and her, I think she knows her boundaries. I’m glad too that DH is always on my side and telling me to just ren cos her mother had gone through alot of tough times in her younger days and now in her own marriage and with her own children.
He acknowledges that his mother is a tough nut, so we just have to accept this fact and live simply or get around things just to make sure we don’t clash directly with her. -
tree nymph:
huh? immediately after birth can carry so heavy stuff? I thought that's prohibited by the doctor?? Bravo to you for seeing it through....and giving birth 3x somemore!!! Salute!
, on day 5, MIL informed me that there's no more rice and asked me to go get it from the supermarket. 10kg a pack and i need to get 2 packs.
I think it's very funny, during grandkids' first month celebration, usually the grandma is very happy to see guests and all??? Anyway, it's past. -
tree nymph:
Hahaha, give me her email account.
hear hear! Thanks for sharing this wonderful write-up. Will bear this in mind...Andaiz:
Found this very interesting advice on the website wholefamily.com:
How To Improve The Mother-In-Law / Daughter-In-Law Relationship
Each of us needs to feel important and appreciated. These feelings are fostered when we treat each other with respect at the outset of an in-law relationship. One newlywed told her mother-in-law at the wedding, \"Thank-you very much for your son.\" The mother-in-law still beams with pleasure ten years later when she recounts her daughter-in-law's comment. Verbalizing \"thank-you\" in words or writing is important. A mother-in-law who tells her daughter-in-law: \"I am happy that David chose you and that you are happy together\" is off to a good start.
Also, a spouse should make sure that his or her partner feels valued, the most important person in their partner's lives. Many parent-in-law irritations diminish and even disappear when the married couple is secure that he/she is valued above all others.
Advice to mothers-in-law: Becoming a mother-in-law does not include the same privileges of being a mother. You can no longer offer suggestions, visit, or phone your married children freely, especially the first year. Step back and refrain from unsolicited suggestions and criticism.
Advice to daughters-in-law: To improve your relationship takes effort: be attentive and respectful. Value your mother-in-law as an individual, not just for her utilitarian value. Remember that your mother-in-law expects and needs the same courtesy and respect you do.
\"Simple Politeness and Graciousness are Equal to Wind and Water, in Changing Matters\" This maxim is an important rule for both daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Respect and kindness are what each needs to enjoy this potentially wonderful relationship.
psst........ can someone email this to my dearest MIL?? -
insider:
DH left for business trip thinking his mum (with the maid) will get stuff for the confinement nanny to cook. Anyway, that is what his mum said she would in front of DH and FIL mah. I must add that his mum has her own car.tree nymph:
10kg a pack and i need to get 2 packs.
Errr...where's your hubby all this while during that time. Should have just given him a list and get all the stuff? I cannot imagine he also allowed you to go through the chore...
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