In-law problems?

[buds]

2ppaamm:

After close to 2 decades of nonsense, I have learnt to just ignore whatever my MIL and SIL say. It's so easy for them to swing from one truth to another. Don't know if it is the culture or something.

I totally dig this one, 2ppaamm. For me it is the entire clan lah.
MIL, FIL and younger BIL.. At this point in time, i dun reali bother
know whether it really is culture or part of the soul oredi.. But sure
know how to make the swinging soooo real. Sigh.

2ppaamm:

So Buds, my sympathy, and I honestly don't know what is the best solution given you are living under the same roof, I got out 14 years ago. Perhaps plan frequent holidays out of the country, or even to Sentosa over the weekends just to avoid the contact.

We do. And that's the best we can do for now. Hubs has been more how
should i put it... more understanding... even when i dun have words to
say it... or expressions to show it... over the years he has learnt to keep
his ears peeled and keep his eyes open for what she really is saying.. He
doesn't say that he thinks i'm petty anymore especially after he told me
once, dun say stuff about my mother like that. She IS after all MY mother
and she IS not like that. Like you 2ppaamm, hubs had to take time off from
me after i said that. And we didn't speak for a few days. It was so hard.
There i was the victimized being and yet he made me feel like i was the
one who did wrong. I thought about what i said. I have also uttered those
words like you... that i would respect her with all the strength i find in me
cos i've been brought up right... but like you... i feel nothing for them.
I do feel something, but that again would just lead to another few days
of not talking ain't it. Hands down that alone (what hubs said) dictated
that he didn't wish to hear any of my lamenting anymore. And all i can do
when i get mistreated is just cry until he's sick of it. I just say lah.. \"I
didn't say anything what.. I just want us to get out of this place.. Please..\"

2ppaamm:

My experience tells me that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it is really difficult to turn the situation around. So, I resort to avoiding. I found that it is really not worth quarreling over people who really didn't matter in the relationship, it's just between the 2 married people, right? And if hubby is a great guy, then it won't be fair to him if we act irrationally.

I agree on the part of \"if hubs is a great guy...\" IF... Tho hubs wasn't my
first choice of mine, after taking a vow i seeked to honour it the best i
can. I forsake the love of my life, my first choice to be with hubs. Can
you imagine how sad i was when i was mistreated by his M and didn't
get support from him?

All the time the first year especially, i pondered on whether i made the
right choice listening to mum.. Yes, i followed my mum's choice in the
selection of my husband. Cos she forbade me to marry any others &
refused to give me her blessings had i resisted. It was one of the
hardest decisions i had to make in my life. And now when my bros come
to me for love talk, like...\"Jie, wud you choose someone from heart for
love or mind for rational (choice)...\" I replied, \"After my personal
experience, i would choose love... anytime...\"

I sucked up my pride and tried my darnest to live up to my potential and
my best to be the good wife, the good DIL and a good mother. Whatever
happens, my conscience is clear that what bad happens from then on... it
was never me... yup... never about me. Cos through my limitations and
restrictions, i rose through the adversities... i knew i learnt from them. If
i put it in positive retrospect, it will be positive... god willing.

As for people who don't matter part, family matters to me in this aspect.
I'm very close to my family. And i am definitely saddened that his family
doesn't accept me as i have tried to accept them. I tried a lot.. I'm just
too tired now.

2ppaamm:

These days, I don't have any contact with my ILs until absolutely necessary. One time, my MIL wanted to come over and visit, and I knew it was because she wanted to know my daughter's PSLE score and I was defiant, didn't want to tell her. I basically got out of the house with the whole family so that she could not come. She was disappointed, but I was determined not to let her intrude into my family life. She will go around spreading all my kids' results which I do not like, whether it is good or bad. Don't like to compare here, compare there among the relatives.

Nothing's new here aye.. it's either they curse.. they get sarcastic and
play those mind games they like so much.. they compare... and they
forever carry tales, thicker than Grimms. The compare part, i dig that
too.. cos i'm forever the dumb DIL who can't take care of her son, my
kiddies nor go to work or have a life. She sees nothing in me.. and i
dun see why i should bother to prove her wrong. This is one race i dun
want to win... nor compete to begin with. Just duh and blah... Whatever.

2ppaamm:

When she promised me to do my confinement, she came for a week (no night duties), and then cried to FIL that she lost 3 kg and left. She left me with no help during confinement. When I learnt that lesson and got a confinement lady the next round, she was upset because she felt I wasted her son's money. When I had the next child, I made sure DH didn't inform her anymore.

I DO NOT dare to even put myself or rather think of myself in confinement
with HER. Yikes! :!:

Hubs did seem offended. Well, he wouldn't if she hadn't said anything.. but
that's only my guess. :roll: He said since my mum did my first confinement
why not give his mum a chance to do my second... and i was also seemingly
more positive the second time round (due to being better prepared i
suppose : more bullet-proofed!).. but i really had to say no to this cos
just the thought of it creeped me out.

The thought of her not allowing me to b'feed like my first.. The thought
of eating her food which i just cannot swallow (just not my taste or type)
and the thought of her bad-mouthing me at my child's infancy stage was
just a horrific thought. NO! I just can't. Offended as he was, he obliged
when i said that the one who will give birth is me.. the one in pain and
all is me... the one who needs rest is me... so i cannot do that if i am
constantly not in tandem with all MIL's ways. No offence, but it is my
child and for this confinement, it is my body that has to rest. He left
it at that. We quarrelled a lot when second one was born, didn't help
that baby was very hard to care for and he had a new job posting that
took so much time away from us. And that little time we had, we argue.
It was a horrible time in my life. Again i pondered whether i married the
right guy.. many many things happened and i was so frustrated that once
again divorce was on the table. I hated what i had to go through. Nuff said.

2ppaamm:

Heh heh.. CNY is coming. We'll spend 3 hours there and I'll be off. Less contact, less conflict. Afterall, I am the useless DIL. Let others who have no kids bond with her.

Yeah. Ditto that. The useless DIL should just keep mum. Pun intended. :lol:

[buds]

2ppaamm:

Husbands are also like that lah. I prefer to think that he is a good man, he will not bad mouth his mother or his family. My DH will claim he has forgotten everytime I remind him what the ILs do. I used to think he was lying. Now I believe he really forgot the unhappiness. By the same token, you will know that he will never say bad things about you.

Same here.

2ppaamm:

Be cheerful, and focus on the baby, read books to him, play some nice music, avoid MIL for now. Work on your kids. That'll be the best revenge.

Angela, 2ppaamm's right. Cause that's what i did for mine. The children
were my best distraction and my solace for the unhappiness in my life to
date. I work with the kiddies, bring them to the playground and really go
all out playing with them... crawling, sliding, climbing... you name it.. the
works and it also gave me good exercise. At home we'd be in our rooms
locked in dancing to baby music, watching baby shows together and even
sleep sniffing their sweet smelling baby scents... it brings me more peace.
And when the children grow up, i somehow feel in the corner of my heart
that the three of us have telepathy. :hugs: During one of my tsunamis,
when my girl said she was here for me and would always be here for me,
that turned my life around and made me stronger..

Don't give up on your life... your children... your happiness... cause this
choice of happiness is the choice you have to make for yourself... No one
else can make it happen for you, even if you plan to give up on your MIL
or your marriage (i hope not to that extent though)... dun give up on
yourself. It won't be worth it. Esp not worth it for the sole reason of MIL
alone.

Stay strong, stay positive, stay healthy... in mind and body, Angela.
The baby inside of you needs you and your strength to soldier on a bit
more... Hang in there. I'm here for you. Take care, Angela. :hugs:

[minnie2004]

…

[daisyt]

So, should I conclude, when choosing husband, better don't choose one who is a mummy's boy or one who has strong bonding with his parents side :roll: :?


I have seen a case, the husband very towards to wife's parent side. Everything is wife's parents come first, not his own parent. Everything is wife and his own kids come first, his own parents last.

[2ppaamm]

Hm... maybe not. I believe a filial son has probably got good values and a kind heart. Very important husband material, leh.


However, as they say, he shall leave his parents and be joint together as one with his wife. So, after the marriage, wife should come first mah... It is when the priority is reversed that the problem arises.

So men, to get your wifey happy, wife really has to come first, not mama. But mama also must respect. BUT wife still first. Then, children, then your mama and sister and brother.

Honestly, I sometimes think I am also too petty lah. Especially after a few years of marriage, when I was mistreated a few times, I think I over react. Time to tone down, and turn deaf and dumb. No contact, no conflict. Maybe, after this cooling down period (a decade or so? :lol:), things will be better.

I reflected upon how the situations could have been better. If DH would believe me when I told him how his mum REALLY is, then I wouldn't get so angry. If he would listen a bit deeper into what his mum is saying against me, perhaps I wouldn't pick up a quarrel. Perhaps if he would offer a shoulder to cry on rather than focus on defending his side of the family, I will not think I'm alone in this battle. This defense won't change wife's point of view and improve MIL/DIL relationship, it only pulls hubby and wife further apart, it seems.

I don't think anyone wants the hubby to disown his mum, it's just that wife should be ranked above, and feel that she is more important in his life, and she IS more important, then things will simmer down more quickly.

Also, gals, don't think divorce lah... I feel very sad hearing this leh...

[Picolo]

angela:

Hi all mothers,


After reading all your posts, I realise that all MILs are all the same. Sometimes, my friends also complained about their MILs.

My ILs are staying with me and they dun have house. Now, I am pregnant with my second one. My first one is a girl and they were very disappointed as they want to have a grandson. When I was pregnant with my first one, before they knew the gender, my MIL still cared about me and my baby but after that dun care. Now, they knew that my second one is also a girl, they totally hard care. Dun even bother to ask anything after my every scan. Sometimes, I feel very sorry to my children. My first girl is taken care by my mother. My mother's side love her alot. But my ILs just care about my SIL's children. Always think of them, never spare a thought on my girl. The worst part is that I cannot talk any bad things about them to my husband. He will bad at me and give me face.

Actually, I should try to feel happy and relax as I am pregnant but look at them, I really cannot tolerate. Sometimes, complain to my mother and today, I cannot tolerate, I cried infront of my mother. My mother feels sorry to me and told me that if they dun love my kids, she will love them and look after them.

Sometimes, I really want to divorce. If I dun have any kids, I really will divorce but now, cannot, I need to think of them.

I really scare that I will get depression after I give birth in the April. My husband also doesnt concern about me, always thinks of his parents.

Not all MILs are the same la... my MIL doesn't want to stay with us from day 1 even when my husband is the only son. She said, \"More freedom. Can go anywhere whenever I like to.\" Looking back, I feel that she is such a wise mum, wise in the sense that she knew it's hard not to have ILs conflicts if we are to stay under one roof. I also value the freedom to run my household the way I/DH like to.

Almost EVERY weekend, my family and families of DH's sisters will still gather at my ILs' place for dinner. The little ones get to play together.

My MIL suffered during her times - she have 5 daughters before having a son.

Why care about what other people think? We can't please everyone. Children are God's gifts, and we have the responsibility to bring them up to be good people, boy or girl.

[2ppaamm]

Picolo:

Not all MILs are the same la... my MIL doesn't want to stay with us from day 1 even when my husband is the only son. She said, \"More freedom. Can go anywhere whenever I like to.\" Looking back, I feel that she is such a wise mum, wise in the sense that she knew it's hard to have ILs conflicts if we are to stay under one roof. I also value the freedom to run my household the way I/DH like to.


Almost EVERY weekend, my family and families of DH's sisters will still gather at my ILs' place for dinner. The little ones get to play together.

My MIL suffered during her times - she have 5 daughters before having a son.

Why care about what other people think? We can't please everyone. Children are God's gifts, and we have the responsibility to bring them up to be good people, boy or girl.

Wise indeed, but it also takes an understanding DIL like you to appreciate.

BTW, did she help to look after your children or anything?

[angela]

2ppaamm:

Hi Angela,

If you are still in the 2nd trimester and can travel, go take a breather somewhere else.

Also MIL are no big deal lah, they are not the main feature or characters in your life. Your children and hubby are. So what if MIL don't love you? You are already big ma, it is the children who need your love, so focus on them, and not on that MIL of yours. If yours become of somebody one day, she will come knocking, for sure. She will boast to all her friends about the grandchildren by you. So work on that.

Husbands are also like that lah. I prefer to think that he is a good man, he will not bad mouth his mother or his family. My DH will claim he has forgotten everytime I remind him what the ILs do. I used to think he was lying. Now I believe he really forgot the unhappiness. By the same token, you will know that he will never say bad things about you.

Be cheerful, and focus on the baby, read books to him, play some nice music, avoid MIL for now. Work on your kids. That'll be the best revenge.

Hi,

Thanks for your reply.

My mum also told me that. She told me that since my ILs love and put all their attention on their daughter's children, nevermind, we just raised our kids well and smart. So next time, she will know that my kids are all smart and well-behaved.

Actually, after that day cried infront of my mum, I felt really relaxed. I worried that I will affect my baby. I also told my baby that I will try not to think too much, will try to be happy and relaxed.

Luckily, I have my mum to look after my girl. If I dun have my mum to help me, I dunno whether I will go crazy or not. Ha ha ha!

[corneyAmber]

2ppaamm:

I believe a filial son has probably got good values and a kind heart. Very important husband material, leh.

I also think the same. So on that premise, I also go easy on my MIL, at least she inculcates good values and kind heart in her son.

[Picolo]

2ppaamm:

[Wise indeed, but it also takes an understanding DIL like you to appreciate.


BTW, did she help to look after your children or anything?

She lives in the north and I stay in the west, so I prefer to find a baby-sitter living nearby to look after my eldest when my maternity leave was coming to an end. Anyway, she is also the kind who likes to go on holidays a few times yearly, cos her daughters will sponsor her trips! However, she is very supportive lah. She will be there whenever we needs her help. Like, when we went on short overseas trips without my eldest when he was less than 3, or when he was ill or we can't/don't know how to take care of him due to our inexperience, she would come over to look after him without hesitation. When my second was born, I started to have a domestic helper and my mum who lives nearer came over to help me watch over the household matters while I was at work. My MIL took care of me during my 3 confinements. :love:

My MIL is the decisive and straightforward type, very 豪爽, like a 侠女! Well, this is how my sis describes her