In-law problems?
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Picolo:
Yep, I think that makes a huge difference.2ppaamm:
Lucky you!
Now we have mutual respect for each other. But who knows? If we had to live under the same roof 10 years ago, perhaps things would be different? -
2ppaamm:
I agree... Strangest thing is, on hindsight, I realised I should always have been more firm, expressive & direct. Occasionally, I really didn't know if I should have said my displeasure directly to my Outlaws or do what I've been doing - tell hubby to relate the message to them.
I reflected upon how the situations could have been better. If DH would believe me when I told him how his mum REALLY is, then I wouldn't get so angry. If he would listen a bit deeper into what his mum is saying against me, perhaps I wouldn't pick up a quarrel. Perhaps if he would offer a shoulder to cry on rather than focus on defending his side of the family, I will not think I'm alone in this battle. This defense won't change wife's point of view and improve MIL/DIL relationship, it only pulls hubby and wife further apart, it seems.
My Outlaws clearly angered me in the last few weeks. After the episode when she decided to cut his hair and bringing him to their home without the intention of telling me (let alone ask), more followed. They came to my shop on the beach. FIL told me he wants to bring my son to Macdonald's to eat french fries. I told him nicely that his car has no baby seat and therefore not safe to drive him unnecessarily for a few km. The restaurant in the club sells french fries too and they can eat there. The kids played and after some time, he was carrying my son. He told me that he's bringing him for a walk. I asked what time will he return and he said it's just a very short walk. My son refused to leave with him and was pulling my maid along. So all of them went. It was almost one hour before my maid came back with my tot. They had gone to Mac and guess what? There was no stroll, they went straight to the car. My FIL intentionally lied to me for his self-gratification. He could hv driven my hubby's car or he could hv merely insisted to defy me, instead of telling a blatant lie.
I was hot...but since they did not return, I could not say anything. Hence I told hubby what happened and asked him to tell them that what they did was offending to me. My hubby did not say anything for 3 days because he claims he did not know what to do. I explained to him that issues concerning his son's safety is an instinctive one, not discussive one. There's no need to call for a board meeting nor to be afraid of offending his parents. Apparently so. In no time, the old folks will forget and nothing gets done, things are bound to repeat. They will continue to barge into our home without calling, take my son away without informing/asking, lie to me despite my clear instructions...all because they think it's their rightful authority to their grandson and whatever DIL says is trivial/can be ignored.
We had our first major quarrel in years and it can only be over his parents. As most have agreed, kids' issues are nothing compared to Outlaws' issues...I can't agree more. -
I used to get angry with my FIL for doing such things as well. But, now that he has passed on, I really miss him and I can only think of all the good things he did for me. I wished I had been kinder to him.
If safety is an issue, and FIL definitely wants to drive his own car, get another car seat (2nd hand or booster seat also can) for FIL’s car, perhaps? It will save a lot of quarrels and headaches for DH. I’m sure he will appreciate you for doing so.
Your FIL seems to love his grandchild a lot. How I wish my MIL will love my kids like this, too.
Just a suggestion. -
Sufermom,
I agree with 2ppaamm. Maybe, if you put yourself in his shoes and you can better understand your FIL’s intentions? I believe he loves his grandchild a lot and just wants to sayang and spends some good time with his gc.
My FIL loves my kids very much and would always drive all the way to my place to pick them up and bring them to various parks to play. He drives them in the van! Should I be worried? Yes. Of course as mothers we will definitely have the saftety concerns. But, I wouldn’t pick up a fight over this, because I know deep inside he loves the kids a lot and will drive carefully. He is never a reckless driver. I will also tell the kids not to be rowdy in the van so that their grandpapa can concentrate on his driving.
My FIL does this a lot lesser after we bought our car few years back, but, I know my children have always have the beautiful memories of those days when their grandpapas bring them out. In his van. -
surfermom,
to me, i think you can take 2ppaamm advise and get another car seat for your FIL’s car. BUT I also think you have to talk to both of them about lying to you. Tell them that kids learn from adults and if they are doing this, they are not setting a good example to the kids. If its to me, the lying part is more serious then the safety part. but talk to them properly. -
2ppaamm:
Yep, I think that makes a huge difference.
my two hands up - it certainly is a huge difference.
i'm still staying with my PILs - 10 years now, right from the very first day i got married. to be very frank, sometimes i wonder if i have chosen the wrong guy... i'm very unhappy staying in this place, felt more like a prison to me then a real home. and it get worst when we have kids. there are more issues and friction... with MIL.
There are twice, that i've considered divorce. as hubby refused to move out and the only way out for me is to have a divorce. then i can officially move out with my kids. but my poor kids... hubby works late everyday and he is always not at home. I've got to rush home to be with my kids everyday. There's always endless comparisons between my kids and SIL's kids which by the way, her eldest and youngest are 11 and 6 while mine are 7 and 2. MIL likes to compare my 7yo to SIL's 11yo or her 9yo. And my 4yo with her 6yo. how to compare? then she will praising SIL's kids saying they are obedient blah blah blah, and then she will say your kids are very difficult to teach blah blah blah. She attacked me personally saying i'm very strong-willed and so on in front of my kids. There's only criticism and accusation and complaints to everything i do no matter how hard i try.
People also thought i must be the most fortunate person living with PIL - no need to pay for housing instalments, can save a lot of money cos they are thinking my PILs pay for everything. true, i don't have to pay for housing instalments, no need to pay for utilities bills, but other then that, i get to pay for every single thing in the house. if i were to go for holidays, i have to make sure that there are enough food in the house before we go. she will not go and get anything at all. i am a FTWM with 3 kids, so could be rather busy with the kids after office hours. no time to go supermarket - i have to resort to going to supermarket at the wee hours of the day! you can always ask me where is the 24 hours supermarkets in singapore... prob can find me there once a week at least at say 1am? even during confinement, i've got to buy food, shopping for grocery and household items from the 3rd day onwards. even got to buy rice on my 7th or 8th day after giving birth. my confinement lady can be my witness.
I have always wanna treat her like how i treat my own mum. but how to when you have this kind of MIL? i've tried and tried and tried and time and time again, i hurt myself from putting in the effort. the love is simply not reciprocated.
so this year, my new year resolution is to get my own place. i've decided that my sanity, dignity and my kids and my family wellbeing is most important and the best way is to move out. -
tree nymph:
I'm kpo, but how do you intend to get a new place? Rent or buy? If you are looking to rent, I can recommend this organization that rents very cheaply. I used to pay about $1100 for a 8000 sq ft land when I first moved out. I believe that has increased (that was 14 years ago). I believe that same house costs about $2000 or so. They also have apartments big enough for 5 members, maybe about $1500 (town area).2ppaamm:
Yep, I think that makes a huge difference.
my two hands up - it certainly is a huge difference.
i'm still staying with my PILs - 10 years now, right from the very first day i got married. to be very frank, sometimes i wonder if i have chosen the wrong guy... i'm very unhappy staying in this place, felt more like a prison to me then a real home. and it get worst when we have kids. there are more issues and friction... with MIL.
There are twice, that i've considered divorce. as hubby refused to move out and the only way out for me is to have a divorce. then i can officially move out with my kids. but my poor kids... hubby works late everyday and he is always not at home. I've got to rush home to be with my kids everyday. There's always endless comparisons between my kids and SIL's kids which by the way, her eldest and youngest are 11 and 6 while mine are 7 and 2. MIL likes to compare my 7yo to SIL's 11yo or her 9yo. And my 4yo with her 6yo. how to compare? then she will praising SIL's kids saying they are obedient blah blah blah, and then she will say your kids are very difficult to teach blah blah blah. She attacked me personally saying i'm very strong-willed and so on in front of my kids. There's only criticism and accusation and complaints to everything i do no matter how hard i try.
People also thought i must be the most fortunate person living with PIL - no need to pay for housing instalments, can save a lot of money cos they are thinking my PILs pay for everything. true, i don't have to pay for housing instalments, no need to pay for utilities bills, but other then that, i get to pay for every single thing in the house. if i were to go for holidays, i have to make sure that there are enough food in the house before we go. she will not go and get anything at all. i am a FTWM with 3 kids, so could be rather busy with the kids after office hours. no time to go supermarket - i have to resort to going to supermarket at the wee hours of the day! you can always ask me where is the 24 hours supermarkets in singapore... prob can find me there once a week at least at say 1am? even during confinement, i've got to buy food, shopping for grocery and household items from the 3rd day onwards. even got to buy rice on my 7th or 8th day after giving birth. my confinement lady can be my witness.
I have always wanna treat her like how i treat my own mum. but how to when you have this kind of MIL? i've tried and tried and tried and time and time again, i hurt myself from putting in the effort. the love is simply not reciprocated.
so this year, my new year resolution is to get my own place. i've decided that my sanity, dignity and my kids and my family wellbeing is most important and the best way is to move out.
PM me. I will give you the contact. Do make sure you do all financial calculation properly and carefully before the move. Also, I hope your hubby is totally with you on this initiative. -
2ppaamm,
hub finally ‘see the light’ and agreed to buying a place and stay on our own. but as he is spoilt by his parents, he wanna look at private housing first. I’ve done up some calculation, don’t think we can afford lah. but will let him try lor. more logically it should be a HDB. but have to be around district 5 - to be near to DS1’s school.
I will pm you. better to rent first then hubs will see the urgency to move! -
There are 3 units going out this month at about $1000+ to $2000. They are in district 9, 10, 11 and 21. I’ll PM. If this costs less than your expenses in the household if you were to stay with the ILs, then this is a good bet.
I’ll PM you. -
2ppaamm:
Thanks 2ppaamm. I'll check it out. will keep a look out regularly if the units are not suitable this monthThere are 3 units going out this month at about $1000+ to $2000. They are in district 9, 10, 11 and 21. I'll PM. If this costs less than your expenses in the household if you were to stay with the ILs, then this is a good bet.
I'll PM you.
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