In-law problems?

[Picolo]

Sufermom,


I agree with 2ppaamm. Maybe, if you put yourself in his shoes and you can better understand your FIL’s intentions? I believe he loves his grandchild a lot and just wants to sayang and spends some good time with his gc.

My FIL loves my kids very much and would always drive all the way to my place to pick them up and bring them to various parks to play. He drives them in the van! Should I be worried? Yes. Of course as mothers we will definitely have the saftety concerns. But, I wouldn’t pick up a fight over this, because I know deep inside he loves the kids a lot and will drive carefully. He is never a reckless driver. I will also tell the kids not to be rowdy in the van so that their grandpapa can concentrate on his driving.

My FIL does this a lot lesser after we bought our car few years back, but, I know my children have always have the beautiful memories of those days when their grandpapas bring them out. In his van.

[tree nymph]

surfermom,

to me, i think you can take 2ppaamm advise and get another car seat for your FIL’s car. BUT I also think you have to talk to both of them about lying to you. Tell them that kids learn from adults and if they are doing this, they are not setting a good example to the kids. If its to me, the lying part is more serious then the safety part. but talk to them properly.

[tree nymph]

2ppaamm:

Yep, I think that makes a huge difference.

my two hands up - it certainly is a huge difference.

i'm still staying with my PILs - 10 years now, right from the very first day i got married. to be very frank, sometimes i wonder if i have chosen the wrong guy... i'm very unhappy staying in this place, felt more like a prison to me then a real home. and it get worst when we have kids. there are more issues and friction... with MIL.

There are twice, that i've considered divorce. as hubby refused to move out and the only way out for me is to have a divorce. then i can officially move out with my kids. but my poor kids... hubby works late everyday and he is always not at home. I've got to rush home to be with my kids everyday. There's always endless comparisons between my kids and SIL's kids which by the way, her eldest and youngest are 11 and 6 while mine are 7 and 2. MIL likes to compare my 7yo to SIL's 11yo or her 9yo. And my 4yo with her 6yo. how to compare? then she will praising SIL's kids saying they are obedient blah blah blah, and then she will say your kids are very difficult to teach blah blah blah. She attacked me personally saying i'm very strong-willed and so on in front of my kids. There's only criticism and accusation and complaints to everything i do no matter how hard i try.

People also thought i must be the most fortunate person living with PIL - no need to pay for housing instalments, can save a lot of money cos they are thinking my PILs pay for everything. true, i don't have to pay for housing instalments, no need to pay for utilities bills, but other then that, i get to pay for every single thing in the house. if i were to go for holidays, i have to make sure that there are enough food in the house before we go. she will not go and get anything at all. i am a FTWM with 3 kids, so could be rather busy with the kids after office hours. no time to go supermarket - i have to resort to going to supermarket at the wee hours of the day! you can always ask me where is the 24 hours supermarkets in singapore... prob can find me there once a week at least at say 1am? even during confinement, i've got to buy food, shopping for grocery and household items from the 3rd day onwards. even got to buy rice on my 7th or 8th day after giving birth. my confinement lady can be my witness.

I have always wanna treat her like how i treat my own mum. but how to when you have this kind of MIL? i've tried and tried and tried and time and time again, i hurt myself from putting in the effort. the love is simply not reciprocated.

so this year, my new year resolution is to get my own place. i've decided that my sanity, dignity and my kids and my family wellbeing is most important and the best way is to move out.

[2ppaamm]

tree nymph:

2ppaamm:

Yep, I think that makes a huge difference.

my two hands up - it certainly is a huge difference.

i'm still staying with my PILs - 10 years now, right from the very first day i got married. to be very frank, sometimes i wonder if i have chosen the wrong guy... i'm very unhappy staying in this place, felt more like a prison to me then a real home. and it get worst when we have kids. there are more issues and friction... with MIL.

There are twice, that i've considered divorce. as hubby refused to move out and the only way out for me is to have a divorce. then i can officially move out with my kids. but my poor kids... hubby works late everyday and he is always not at home. I've got to rush home to be with my kids everyday. There's always endless comparisons between my kids and SIL's kids which by the way, her eldest and youngest are 11 and 6 while mine are 7 and 2. MIL likes to compare my 7yo to SIL's 11yo or her 9yo. And my 4yo with her 6yo. how to compare? then she will praising SIL's kids saying they are obedient blah blah blah, and then she will say your kids are very difficult to teach blah blah blah. She attacked me personally saying i'm very strong-willed and so on in front of my kids. There's only criticism and accusation and complaints to everything i do no matter how hard i try.

People also thought i must be the most fortunate person living with PIL - no need to pay for housing instalments, can save a lot of money cos they are thinking my PILs pay for everything. true, i don't have to pay for housing instalments, no need to pay for utilities bills, but other then that, i get to pay for every single thing in the house. if i were to go for holidays, i have to make sure that there are enough food in the house before we go. she will not go and get anything at all. i am a FTWM with 3 kids, so could be rather busy with the kids after office hours. no time to go supermarket - i have to resort to going to supermarket at the wee hours of the day! you can always ask me where is the 24 hours supermarkets in singapore... prob can find me there once a week at least at say 1am? even during confinement, i've got to buy food, shopping for grocery and household items from the 3rd day onwards. even got to buy rice on my 7th or 8th day after giving birth. my confinement lady can be my witness.

I have always wanna treat her like how i treat my own mum. but how to when you have this kind of MIL? i've tried and tried and tried and time and time again, i hurt myself from putting in the effort. the love is simply not reciprocated.

so this year, my new year resolution is to get my own place. i've decided that my sanity, dignity and my kids and my family wellbeing is most important and the best way is to move out.

I'm kpo, but how do you intend to get a new place? Rent or buy? If you are looking to rent, I can recommend this organization that rents very cheaply. I used to pay about $1100 for a 8000 sq ft land when I first moved out. I believe that has increased (that was 14 years ago). I believe that same house costs about $2000 or so. They also have apartments big enough for 5 members, maybe about $1500 (town area).

PM me. I will give you the contact. Do make sure you do all financial calculation properly and carefully before the move. Also, I hope your hubby is totally with you on this initiative.

[tree nymph]

2ppaamm,

hub finally ‘see the light’ and agreed to buying a place and stay on our own. but as he is spoilt by his parents, he wanna look at private housing first. I’ve done up some calculation, don’t think we can afford lah. but will let him try lor. more logically it should be a HDB. but have to be around district 5 - to be near to DS1’s school.

I will pm you. better to rent first then hubs will see the urgency to move!

[2ppaamm]

There are 3 units going out this month at about $1000+ to $2000. They are in district 9, 10, 11 and 21. I’ll PM. If this costs less than your expenses in the household if you were to stay with the ILs, then this is a good bet.


I’ll PM you.

[tree nymph]

2ppaamm:

There are 3 units going out this month at about $1000+ to $2000. They are in district 9, 10, 11 and 21. I'll PM. If this costs less than your expenses in the household if you were to stay with the ILs, then this is a good bet.


I'll PM you.

Thanks 2ppaamm. I'll check it out. will keep a look out regularly if the units are not suitable this month

[buds]

tree nymph:

hub finally 'see the light' and agreed to buying a place and stay on our own.

:hugs: I'm so happy for you, tree nymph! :hugs:

I've tears welled up in my eyes just reading the above liner..
It's definitely good news to the coming new year.
HE must've heard your prayers.

tree nymph:

but as he is spoilt by his parents, he wanna look at private housing first. I've done up some calculation, don't think we can afford lah. but will let him try lor. more logically it should be a HDB. but have to be around district 5 - to be near to DS1's school.

I will pm you. better to rent first then hubs will see the urgency to move!

2ppaamm... when my time comes, can i PM you oso?

You got good lobang for apartments and pte housing arh?
Paiseh, OT a bit here.. :oops: :siam:

[buds]

2ppaamm:

I reflected upon how the situations could have been better. If DH would believe me when I told him how his mum REALLY is, then I wouldn't get so angry. If he would listen a bit deeper into what his mum is saying against me, perhaps I wouldn't pick up a quarrel. Perhaps if he would offer a shoulder to cry on rather than focus on defending his side of the family, I will not think I'm alone in this battle. This defense won't change wife's point of view and improve MIL/DIL relationship, it only pulls hubby and wife further apart, it seems.

I did this reflection too and thought, would it have been better to have
married someone we have known inside out before marriage... like the
marry best friend kind. :idea: But after that i pondered on an old friend
who did marry her long time beau since Pri Sch days and they didn't end
well either... maybe case of know too much about one another liao.

[buds]

[quote].......get another car seat for your FIL's car. [/quote]
While the suggestions from most wud be that in future a car seat be in
place in the ILs car to avoid future and prolonged issue with regards to
car safety based on the car seat preference...

Getting the ILs a new car seat for the boy is only about a quarter of the
problem solved in surfermom's case. On the day, this blatant display of
drama unfolded... there were indeed three ways to work round it.

1. Ask the ILs to drive to Mac's in surfermom's/surfermom DH's car,
since the car seat is in place...

2. Remove the car seat from surfermom's/surfermom DH's car and
fix it in the ILs car instead... ( if they aren't used to driving someone
else's car )...

3. Get Mac's to deliver.

Again, this would've only solved ONLY the issue for that day..

treenymph:

....... BUT I also think you have to talk to both of them about lying to you. Tell them that kids learn from adults and if they are doing this, they are not setting a good example to the kids. If its to me, the lying part is more serious then the safety part. but talk to them properly.

Reading into surfermom's recent posting and the ones before, i personally
have the feeling, through her sharings of course, that her kinda ILs are
beyond the talking and discussing phase. Especially since it ain't their 1st
time doing something which is outright opposite of the mother's wishes...

What more to talk to them about their lying to her. :shock:

I wud think that they'd think she was ill-bred. And that wud evoke yet
another unwanted eruption. While i agree that what they did isn't a
good example, there isn't a place with such people where one can sit
down and 'talk properly' cos honestly... i've been there. Cause in the
1st place the DIL has no place in family hierarchy to begin with..

While it is fine to overlook some trivial issues where baby is concerned..
safety issues are important.. health issues are important.. respect issues
are also equally important though hard to seep through. Getting a very
reluctant husband to the talking does make it worse cos there won't be
any conviction in what he wud say to his parents, hence making him the
victim in both sides of the party.. making him the least fun person to have
for the next few hours, days or even weeks cos he's been made to do
something beyond his will. Like many have cited, being a son or dotter
to their parents, there's this shadow of a stamp over both eyes where
due trust is natural.. and whatever one does is normal.. and definitely
not an issue. They just won't see things the way another person does
in a big deal.

My hubs is filial to a fault (not that it's ever a bad thing... :hugs:)... and
not once yet has he helped me talk to his folks on my behalf on anything.
I bet not anytime soon either.. not that i don't expect it... expect him to
stand up for me... when i AM right. As it oredi is, he's being labelled as
henpecked even now... just cos hubs tends to ask what i think or what
opinions do i have over certain issues. And if he should so even nod at
what my opinions may be, he'd get another round of ... duh, he's such
a sissy...

Let me recap an event of my ILs over what i thought was a talking over
properly discussion.

After a doctor's appointment for DD1 at a few months old, we were
advised to keep her off pets, smoke and dust infested areas and that
where she sleeps and plays be cleaned effectively and thoroughly on
regular basis. So sharing with both sides of the family was crucial so
that she won't get another bout of bronchitis again so soon after she
has just recovered. That visit to the doc's ascertained the doc's initial
guess that DD1 if exposed to certain allergens would develop shortness
of breath within a short period of time.

Being an ex-nurse at a GP hubs requested i lay the cards for them as per
what the doc said, cos he didn't know how to do it tactfully. All she said
was, i raised three sons with cats even though they had asthma and
none of them died. Then she rolled her eyes sharply in disgust. She went
on to say how she struggled to care for BIL in hospital ever so often cos
he would have attacks.. and i was like DUH? Letting a child suffer just cos
she believed a cat would not be able to have triggered any reaction to
her sick child just didn't make me feel that she did a good job at it, esp
since she knew how chronic her son's asthma was... yet she put him thru
it all. I couldn't even bear seeing my baby being given the neubalizer.

I related to hubs and he simply kept quiet. He did add on later what she
said was true... that they didn't die. :roll: So, on our following routine
visit i reminded him and yet when i left DD1 in his care just for minutes
perhaps, i saw DD1 being changed in their room on the bed where the
cat slept with them without so much as a changing mat even and worse
the cat was just beside DD1 with its tail wagging and almost stroking her!

I picked her up that instant and stomped out and true enuf within minutes
DD1 was on a sneezing spree while i tried to clear off all the fur all
over her dress. Needless to say, i insisted we went back right away
and this time i just had to show my displeasure. I threw her dress away
and changed her into a new pair i had in my bag and brought her to a
baby clinic recommended by hubs' colleague. Not only did i get an awful
reception from the clinic assistant and i could barely make out what the
doc (who spoke with a lisp) was saying, we were slapped with like almost
a hundred dollar bill and with one of the medication which she was
actually allergic to, followed by a long night with me not sleeping taking
care of DD1, drippy nosey.. red watery eyes.. and very bad bad cough
plus all that phlegm in her throat, she could barely breathe. Each time she
fell asleep i put her back in the cot only to have her cry again cos she had
difficulty breathing : nose blocked, drippy and phlegm made it harder for
her. I had to work too but hubs was deeply asleep and snoring in fact.
He didn't talk to me and ignored me completely. That day was supposedly
our wedding anniversary. And boy that was a memorable one to boot...

In short, that blatant refusal to adhere or simply make a gentle compromise
went down the drain just to prove that she was WHAT? Right?! :x ....
That what! She ate more salt?!? She had more kids?!
She had more experience???! She had more everything???!!! :x :x :x

I cried silent tears just holding DD1 in my arms trying so hard to breathe
through her discomfort... i couldn't sleep. I didn't put her back in the cot
after she finally managed to doze off, and i definitely was in no right mind
nor body condition to go to work. I got a stern reminder over company
policies cos i had to urgently declare i cud not go to work at the eleventh
hour. I felt so bad cos it was unlike me to be so last minute, i was
thoroughly shacked. DD1 barely just recovered from her previous flu
bout. I was pissin' furious! I didn't hell care whether he talked to me or
not. And i ain't gonna make the first move.. he couldn't even look out for
DD1 for that few minutes cos he said... what could possibly go wrong
since she was an experienced mother.

Well, in my case everything went wrong just so that she could prove..

In the case of safety, though some of us may feel it is fine to compromise
on such issues... some mothers may not have conceived their babies
easily like some others could... and cannot wait till accidents happen to
go to the point of pointing fingers and blame shifting... it would be too late.

In the case of health, some kids are just say... allergic to candy. Eat a
candy and they can die within minutes... to peanut butter and get a
heck of a reaction...

Well, some babies and some parents just can't take trivial matters as
that. Cos no matter how respectful we are to the ILs, some matters
are not negotiable... regardless of how experienced.. no matter how
salty.

Mebbe some wud not agree with me and my views on this but... for me,
i wud rather not come to the point where i would be too late... i cannot.