In-law problems?

[buds]

2ppaamm:

I reflected upon how the situations could have been better. If DH would believe me when I told him how his mum REALLY is, then I wouldn't get so angry. If he would listen a bit deeper into what his mum is saying against me, perhaps I wouldn't pick up a quarrel. Perhaps if he would offer a shoulder to cry on rather than focus on defending his side of the family, I will not think I'm alone in this battle. This defense won't change wife's point of view and improve MIL/DIL relationship, it only pulls hubby and wife further apart, it seems.

I did this reflection too and thought, would it have been better to have
married someone we have known inside out before marriage... like the
marry best friend kind. :idea: But after that i pondered on an old friend
who did marry her long time beau since Pri Sch days and they didn't end
well either... maybe case of know too much about one another liao.

[buds]

[quote].......get another car seat for your FIL's car. [/quote]
While the suggestions from most wud be that in future a car seat be in
place in the ILs car to avoid future and prolonged issue with regards to
car safety based on the car seat preference...

Getting the ILs a new car seat for the boy is only about a quarter of the
problem solved in surfermom's case. On the day, this blatant display of
drama unfolded... there were indeed three ways to work round it.

1. Ask the ILs to drive to Mac's in surfermom's/surfermom DH's car,
since the car seat is in place...

2. Remove the car seat from surfermom's/surfermom DH's car and
fix it in the ILs car instead... ( if they aren't used to driving someone
else's car )...

3. Get Mac's to deliver.

Again, this would've only solved ONLY the issue for that day..

treenymph:

....... BUT I also think you have to talk to both of them about lying to you. Tell them that kids learn from adults and if they are doing this, they are not setting a good example to the kids. If its to me, the lying part is more serious then the safety part. but talk to them properly.

Reading into surfermom's recent posting and the ones before, i personally
have the feeling, through her sharings of course, that her kinda ILs are
beyond the talking and discussing phase. Especially since it ain't their 1st
time doing something which is outright opposite of the mother's wishes...

What more to talk to them about their lying to her. :shock:

I wud think that they'd think she was ill-bred. And that wud evoke yet
another unwanted eruption. While i agree that what they did isn't a
good example, there isn't a place with such people where one can sit
down and 'talk properly' cos honestly... i've been there. Cause in the
1st place the DIL has no place in family hierarchy to begin with..

While it is fine to overlook some trivial issues where baby is concerned..
safety issues are important.. health issues are important.. respect issues
are also equally important though hard to seep through. Getting a very
reluctant husband to the talking does make it worse cos there won't be
any conviction in what he wud say to his parents, hence making him the
victim in both sides of the party.. making him the least fun person to have
for the next few hours, days or even weeks cos he's been made to do
something beyond his will. Like many have cited, being a son or dotter
to their parents, there's this shadow of a stamp over both eyes where
due trust is natural.. and whatever one does is normal.. and definitely
not an issue. They just won't see things the way another person does
in a big deal.

My hubs is filial to a fault (not that it's ever a bad thing... :hugs:)... and
not once yet has he helped me talk to his folks on my behalf on anything.
I bet not anytime soon either.. not that i don't expect it... expect him to
stand up for me... when i AM right. As it oredi is, he's being labelled as
henpecked even now... just cos hubs tends to ask what i think or what
opinions do i have over certain issues. And if he should so even nod at
what my opinions may be, he'd get another round of ... duh, he's such
a sissy...

Let me recap an event of my ILs over what i thought was a talking over
properly discussion.

After a doctor's appointment for DD1 at a few months old, we were
advised to keep her off pets, smoke and dust infested areas and that
where she sleeps and plays be cleaned effectively and thoroughly on
regular basis. So sharing with both sides of the family was crucial so
that she won't get another bout of bronchitis again so soon after she
has just recovered. That visit to the doc's ascertained the doc's initial
guess that DD1 if exposed to certain allergens would develop shortness
of breath within a short period of time.

Being an ex-nurse at a GP hubs requested i lay the cards for them as per
what the doc said, cos he didn't know how to do it tactfully. All she said
was, i raised three sons with cats even though they had asthma and
none of them died. Then she rolled her eyes sharply in disgust. She went
on to say how she struggled to care for BIL in hospital ever so often cos
he would have attacks.. and i was like DUH? Letting a child suffer just cos
she believed a cat would not be able to have triggered any reaction to
her sick child just didn't make me feel that she did a good job at it, esp
since she knew how chronic her son's asthma was... yet she put him thru
it all. I couldn't even bear seeing my baby being given the neubalizer.

I related to hubs and he simply kept quiet. He did add on later what she
said was true... that they didn't die. :roll: So, on our following routine
visit i reminded him and yet when i left DD1 in his care just for minutes
perhaps, i saw DD1 being changed in their room on the bed where the
cat slept with them without so much as a changing mat even and worse
the cat was just beside DD1 with its tail wagging and almost stroking her!

I picked her up that instant and stomped out and true enuf within minutes
DD1 was on a sneezing spree while i tried to clear off all the fur all
over her dress. Needless to say, i insisted we went back right away
and this time i just had to show my displeasure. I threw her dress away
and changed her into a new pair i had in my bag and brought her to a
baby clinic recommended by hubs' colleague. Not only did i get an awful
reception from the clinic assistant and i could barely make out what the
doc (who spoke with a lisp) was saying, we were slapped with like almost
a hundred dollar bill and with one of the medication which she was
actually allergic to, followed by a long night with me not sleeping taking
care of DD1, drippy nosey.. red watery eyes.. and very bad bad cough
plus all that phlegm in her throat, she could barely breathe. Each time she
fell asleep i put her back in the cot only to have her cry again cos she had
difficulty breathing : nose blocked, drippy and phlegm made it harder for
her. I had to work too but hubs was deeply asleep and snoring in fact.
He didn't talk to me and ignored me completely. That day was supposedly
our wedding anniversary. And boy that was a memorable one to boot...

In short, that blatant refusal to adhere or simply make a gentle compromise
went down the drain just to prove that she was WHAT? Right?! :x ....
That what! She ate more salt?!? She had more kids?!
She had more experience???! She had more everything???!!! :x :x :x

I cried silent tears just holding DD1 in my arms trying so hard to breathe
through her discomfort... i couldn't sleep. I didn't put her back in the cot
after she finally managed to doze off, and i definitely was in no right mind
nor body condition to go to work. I got a stern reminder over company
policies cos i had to urgently declare i cud not go to work at the eleventh
hour. I felt so bad cos it was unlike me to be so last minute, i was
thoroughly shacked. DD1 barely just recovered from her previous flu
bout. I was pissin' furious! I didn't hell care whether he talked to me or
not. And i ain't gonna make the first move.. he couldn't even look out for
DD1 for that few minutes cos he said... what could possibly go wrong
since she was an experienced mother.

Well, in my case everything went wrong just so that she could prove..

In the case of safety, though some of us may feel it is fine to compromise
on such issues... some mothers may not have conceived their babies
easily like some others could... and cannot wait till accidents happen to
go to the point of pointing fingers and blame shifting... it would be too late.

In the case of health, some kids are just say... allergic to candy. Eat a
candy and they can die within minutes... to peanut butter and get a
heck of a reaction...

Well, some babies and some parents just can't take trivial matters as
that. Cos no matter how respectful we are to the ILs, some matters
are not negotiable... regardless of how experienced.. no matter how
salty.

Mebbe some wud not agree with me and my views on this but... for me,
i wud rather not come to the point where i would be too late... i cannot.

[buds]

Remember when i mentioned couple of days back about one occasion

where i just had it? Well, here was what happened..

If some of you remember, i wasn't on the top ten DIL list. All this time,
the ILs had a preferred DIL who was supposedly betrothed when they
were younger (to hubs). In olden days i suppose child betrothal was
still in fashion.. with hubs there was this special DIL material in both
their hearts. And she is rich to boot. To make things even easier, they
are close relatives and spent lots of time together growing up.

Being rich, the family indeed was a blessing in times of trouble and so
vice versa hubs and his family would be there for their family when the
need should arise.

Upon the uncle's deathbed, he made hubs promise he would marry his
daughter should he pass on.. which hubs couldn't even at his last breath.
He say wan lar.. i dunno the details for sure. So, to cut story short, hubs
didn't have similar feelings for the girl like what she did for him over the
years. Well, hubs was husband material. Responsible, filial, good with
chores, a handyman, practically the works.. but he wanted his own
choice of a wife. Besides, he thought he was too young to be tied down.
Even if it was with a rich girl. If i'm not mistaken she was an only child,
hence all the father's property and assets would've been passed on to
her at her father's demise.

Feeling helpless, the girl asked how hubs wud honour his promise to her
dad. He just said he couldn't no matter how much he loved and respected
his uncle a lot... and from then on, he spaced out from his cousin and led
his own life...

Fast forward to a couple of months back, the girl rung my ILs to say she
was coming over to Singapore for biz. Yes, she ain't from here. Then, ILs
quickly invited her over to stay at our place saying there was plenty of
room for her and that she cud stay however long she liked, without so
much so of .... informing hubs. But how to not incur hubs' anger and get
this plan in motion? It was to tell me.

We weren't even exactly on talking terms that time. ILs called me into
their room, which was even more strange. They told me nicely a relative
was coming to visit and that they had promised her already she could
stay over. They wanted me to tell hubs. :shock: And may i add... cajole
him to agree to the arrangement and that they were counting on me...

I asked, where she wud sleep. ILs said, in the kids' room la. I said where
got spare bed? They said one kid can sleep with us.. be nice. She's a
guest. I said but it's exam week, they need their room to work on their
school stuff, and it would be inconvenient. Then they said, if it's sooo hard
that i cannot compromise, they will leave the house so she could stay over.

I was like :whut:? I have to put my family's convenience and order of
priority first!! And how awkward would it be to have a still single lady
in the house? On those days hubs works nites, i usually go over my
parents' place to stay and de-stress and avoid the ILs.. does that mean
i have to allow her to be alone with hubs should he come back while i'm
at my folks? ILs said, she's a relative.. it's nothing what. I mean like yah..
and she is still single.. duh. And last i heard, she asked hubs if he remem-
red her father's death wish...

End of story, they ticked me off for being so calculative and chided me for
not even considering their face since they already promised the girl. End
of story they said, it was decided that they'd chill over BIL's house while
she cud take their (ILs) room. Apparently, they oredi asked BIL and he
said straight to his mother's face... it is inconvenient for them cos they
dun reali know her that well since we grew up and that his wife wud be
very uncomfortable with the arrangement of having someone in the
house.. Wow, BIL sure worked fast boy! And so it was like the problem
was planted onto my shoulders and that i should make it work..

I didn't know what to do. So when hubs asked what was the issue they
couldn't involve him with, i just teared up and told him what transpired in
the earlier behind closed doors discussion.

Never have i seen him so angry than ever before apart from the time MIL
tried to intrude in his disciplinary actions over the children. This time it was
beyond anger.. it was like pent-up frustration. He felt so bad for me.. that
i was even told to put it to him nicely so that he'd agree to her staying
over. I just said this is not my house so i got no say. That he and them
would have to decide on the eventuality of it.

MIL screamed that she cud promise what she liked since it was her house
and said that since she didn't mind giving up her room to her niece, that
it shouldn't bother us four at all. Hubs argued that they would have to
give her a set of keys to go for her biz appointments and back and care
for her meals and well-being while she was around. He added that we
were busy enough caring for then two kids who were unwell and with
exams round the corner as well. Hubs said no. The screaming match
escalated when MIL called hubs names like proud ass... dun remember
your roots and how people helped us and all that... Hubs got riled up..
Hubs said the day he helped lay his uncle to rest was the day he had
repaid his uncle for everything. MIL reminded him how hubs didn't keep
his promise to care for the girl before he died. At that he hollered at her
that he did not make such a promise.

She accused that she presumed i was the one who was insecure.. and
didn't let hubs agree to the arrangement. The last straw for hubs
eventually was when MIL stood up and yelled in his face..

\"If you don't have any feelings for her anymore then why are you so
afraid for her to be here... to be around you?!?!?!! Why are you so
scared??? Only if you still harbour special feelings for her then you
would be doing this.. Admit it! You have feelings for her isn't it? That's
why you disagree to even have a harmless visiting relative around da
house. This is MY house! I can choose to have her over without even
telling you about it. So what!! You forgot how she and her family was
there for us and all.. you forgot?! You're being ungrateful now that
you're successful. JUST ADMIT IT that you love her! Admit it! Why?
Scared your wife wud be angry? Be a man and own up!!! Just say
that you have feelings for her!!\"

Hubs turned red in the face.. I sat kneeled behind the door with my girls
in fright at the drama unfolding.. I cried at MILs attempt to bring the
house down with her insistence and definitely conniving plans.. I just
couldn't stop crying.

Hubs turned to MIL and said to her face. \"Soooo... it's my house your
house thing you're playing now huh? FINE! My final answer is NO and
if anyone still dares to bring her into the house, the minute she leaves
i want my name outta this house. You guys can start finding a place to
stay! I've had it with all the nonsense! And no i don't have feelings for
her. Never did!\"

Once hubs closed the door to our room, he just leaned on the wall at
the back of the door. His eyes red with anger... and tears flowed down
his cheeks... his back slowly slided downwards and as he sat with his
knees propped up, i noticed he was shivering. He said, \"I've never felt
this angry and sad at the same time in a long time...\" And he just cried
there and then.

After he cooled down, he hugged me and assured me that if she did
come over despite the confrontation that just occured, he asked if i
could ask my dad's permission for us to check into their place a couple
of days till his cousin went back to her hometown.

I met up with daddie the following day.. he was bursting with anger &
said of course we were more than welcome to stay there as long as we
wanted.. and he said this time if hubs didn't stand up for me... he would.

Daddie said he would for once hafta intervene and fight for his dotter's
plight. And he sent me back with much worry. He said, if hubs is a good
husband, he will take care of it. And that i wud be in his prayers. Indeed
hubs did.

And that folks... was the last straw i cud ever swallow.

I knew from then on, MIL's mission to break our marriage was still in
motion and would not stop at any cost to fulfil it... at any cost. :scared:

I knew there was no way ever i cud live in harmony with such a deceitful
person in the near future. There was just no way...

And to this day, i'm praying we'd get out of this rut. Like treenymph said,
for the sake of our dignity, sanity and happiness... we need to get our
own place no matter how big... no matter how small... as long as we are
all together. If he still wants us that is..

[Jennifer]

buds:

And to this day, i'm praying we'd get out of this rut. Like treenymph said,

for the sake of our dignity, sanity and happiness... we need to get our
own place no matter how big... no matter how small... as long as we are
all together. If he still wants us that is..

Hugs to you.

[PnTMom]

buds:

And to this day, i'm praying we'd get out of this rut. Like treenymph said,
for the sake of our dignity, sanity and happiness... we need to get our
own place no matter how big... no matter how small... as long as we are
all together. If he still wants us that is..

hugs buds

[2ppaamm]

buds:

And to this day, i'm praying we'd get out of this rut. Like treenymph said,
for the sake of our dignity, sanity and happiness... we need to get our
own place no matter how big... no matter how small... as long as we are
all together. If he still wants us that is..

I have PMed you the link for good-value rental places. Perhaps after you've moved out, your MIL will see your goodness and come to her senses. We can only pray for that, and you need not get involved with her anymore, except for occasions like CNY. I'm down to only that just to make hubs happy.

And, I know for sure you'll love to be yourself again. Getting a new place is like getting married once again. We had to get our finances calculation in place, set expectations, divide chores, get the children re-orientated. A lot of stress, too. Please plan carefully, and have fun!

I remember having to paint my children's room when I was 8 months' pregnant with DD1 14 years ago. And even though it was difficult, it was freedom, and I started charting our new course!

Having said all that, I still believe harmony is the best gift in any family. I do hope to see that in young families, and I sometimes wish I had given my FIL and hubby a bit more of that...

[Tri-mum]

:hugs: Hi Buds, accidentally chanced into this thread and by reading your posts really bring tears to my eyes....especially when you mentioned earlier that your DD said she will stand by you during your most devastated situation....so sensible and this s the most comforting words for sure (I believe even better than DH said I love you :lol: ). Your MIL is really a tough woman. Didn't your FIL say something and maybe you can try talking to your DH to move out and if your DH is worry for his parents maybe tell him to move somewhere nearby instead of staying under one roof and this will also helpt to reduce conflicts. God bless you and give you peace.

[cmm]

My heart goes out to u, buds dear.... :hugs: :hugs:


What you have endured all this while is more than what any other person could bear.

What can I say?? Preferred DIL or not, YOU are the DIL proper, for goodness sake!

\"What God has joined together, let no man put asunder....\"

[2ppaamm]

cmm:

\"What God has joined together, let no man put asunder....\"

How true, but some MIL are like that
:siao: My aunt was like that, too, always looking out for another person for my cousin when the kids were young. For some reason, she changed one day and became ok with her DIL (as in she no longer hates her DIL). Don't know what changed that, though. She has since passed on, and the kids are in their 20s already.

[rocklee]

Hi buds


I’m with you. Hope your girls are not "traumatised" by this drama. For this coming year of the tiger, I hope you can "roar" like a tiger and take charge of what you want. Take care!