How do you handle questions about mortality?

[cnimed]

joining in the conversation late, but I'm seriously :shock: by my 4 year old's various take on mortality. Anyone else heard similar stuff from their child?


He first worried us by reenacting the crucifiction.

Months later, I overheard him saying he wished he could die and start his life all over again (when he will go to school later in life).

When I stressed that he couldn't and there's only one of him, he said DH and I can hve another baby, give the baby the same name, same haircut, same clothes, and we'll have the same-named baby again! :shock:

After we sorta` fixed his school issues, he was all sugar and spice. One afternoon, out of the blue, he said,\"I love you Mummy. I love you so much I wish you can grow again after you die. Because I would miss you and I love you forever. But I know you can't. I just WISH.\" Then he gave me a BIG smile, turned and walked off. :shock:

Then recently, he said - isn't it lucky that you have two children? So if one dies, you'll still have another one left! - again, a knowing smile, and off he went. :shock:

[phantom]

deminc:

joining in the conversation late, but I'm seriously :shock: by my 4 year old's various take on mortality. Anyone else heard similar stuff from their child?


He first worried us by reenacting the crucifiction.

Months later, I overheard him saying he wished he could die and start his life all over again (when he will go to school later in life).

When I stressed that he couldn't and there's only one of him, he said DH and I can hve another baby, give the baby the same name, same haircut, same clothes, and we'll have the same-named baby again! :shock:

After we sorta` fixed his school issues, he was all sugar and spice. One afternoon, out of the blue, he said,\"I love you Mummy. I love you so much I wish you can grow again after you die. Because I would miss you and I love you forever. But I know you can't. I just WISH.\" Then he gave me a BIG smile, turned and walked off. :shock:

Then recently, he said - isn't it lucky that you have two children? So if one dies, you'll still have another one left! - again, a knowing smile, and off he went. :shock:

Wonder your child get those idea and knowledge from. But I do feel that it sounds concerning that there is a notion that just by dieing life will start all over again. It do sounds like the concept of playing a computer game where if things don't work out, we can just restart from last level or start all over again.

[sashimi]

I think a little fear of death is healthy. I’ve also been hit a few times by my DD telling me in tears, "Daddy I don’t want you to die". More recently she even told me that if I die, she also wants to die with me. (Which is MY line actually). I’ve told her that it’s natural that I will die first, because I am older.


Beyond this, I tend to use mortality as a means of warning. Eg. when crossing roads, poisonous substances, electricity, etc. So long as she doesn’t go all paranoid or hypochrondiac about it, I’m fine.

[cnimed]

phantom:

Wonder your child get those idea and knowledge from. But I do feel that it sounds concerning that there is a notion that just by dieing life will start all over again. It do sounds like the concept of playing a computer game where if things don't work out, we can just restart from last level or start all over again.

We wondered too! He doesn't play computer games and his TV usage is very limited and fully monitored. The only \"live and die\" again concepst I can think of him getting is from his Catholic preschool. We've pulled him out already. Another is the mythical phoenix.

He is surprisingly sensitive to other issues like poverty and hunger, and animals, but when it comes to death ... :shock:

[phantom]

deminc:

We wondered too! He doesn't play computer games and his TV usage is very limited and fully monitored. The only \"live and die\" again concepst I can think of him getting is from his Catholic preschool. We've pulled him out already. Another is the mythical phoenix.

He is surprisingly sensitive to other issues like poverty and hunger, and animals, but when it comes to death ... :shock:

Your child sounds very mature. From your description, it sounds like he may have gotten these from his preschool. Think you may need to start to read to him some stories that tells about living up to challenges in life and not to give up, as in just death.

But for sure, kids do absorb information and concepts real fast, whether for the good or bad.

[metz]

For my ds, I can't remember what spurred him to ask about death at around 4 yo (or was it 3+? can't really recall). But one day he did and I chose a 'beautiful' way to explain death. I told him that when a person die, he/she would go to a faraway peaceful place with only happiness called Heaven. He asked many questions among which, would people still meet when they are in Heaven. Happily I told him yes. And that's the root of our problem. He started treating 'death' positively. On one occasion when I fell real sick, he told my husband happily, \"Mommy is going to die soon. But don't worry, we will get to meet her in Heaven.\" :x


That was the last straw. I 'corrected' him and gave him the true idea of death. Death is not something pleasant and to be spoken lightly of. Unfortunately, that led to another set of problems. This time round, the negativity of death was too much for him to handle. Every mention of death and old age would cause him to cringe and lose control of himself. Eventually, he got so upset that we avoid the topic totally.

It took a while before I could find the right opportunity and talked to him about death again. As what fo12eal shared, I told him something similar. After our death, though our bodies will rot and we are no longer physically there beside them, our love for them (the kids) will be forever. What's more important is living each day happily and treasuring each other.

As he reads more widely, he no longer fears death and old age as he used to. Instead, he treats them as a matter of fact now, which sometimes, *ouch*, kicks me in the wrong place :twisted:

[quote]But for sure, kids do absorb information and concepts real fast, whether for the good or bad.[/quote]It's not a bad thing if adults are quick to respond to them and direct them onto the right paths. But if left alone, these kids may move onto the wrong tracks with incomplete pictures. Thus, leading to more problems later on.

[cnimed]

phantom:

Your child sounds very mature. From your description, it sounds like he may have gotten these from his preschool. Think you may need to start to read to him some stories that tells about living up to challenges in life and not to give up, as in just death.

To be honest, some days - like today - I feel as if I am living with an angsty teenager. Doesn't help that DH introduced him to Guns & Roses and U2 some time ago, and he actually loves them and would scream and growl the songs out. It was cute the first two times. Definitely not anymore.

Ya, he's a perfectionist so I have been working on getting him to accept setbacks and failures. He also asked us if we would be sad if HE dies and why. After thinking the issue through, DH told him it's because if he dies young, there would still have been so many places that he's no visited, and so many things that he's not yet experienced. Ever since then, he has stopped talking about his own death, but he's rather unsentimental about it all, I must say. He has a rather clinical approach now - which perhaps I should not be complaining about after reading Chamonix's experiences!

[cnimed]

chamonix:

It's not a bad thing if adults are quick to respond to them and direct them onto the right paths. But if left alone, these kids may move onto the wrong tracks with incomplete pictures. Thus, leading to more problems later on.

My exact sentiments. It's so hard to not know what they've been exposed to in school. The teachers think it's an innocent picture or statement, not even worth mentioning, but the kids ponder over it silently for days and then come to potential harmful conclusions.

On a lighter note, one of the things DS said to me after his first week of preschool - Mummy, all girls like pink, because all the girls in my class have pink shoes and pink bags. You're a girl, so you like pink right?
:roll:

[metz]

deminc:

He also asked us if we would be sad if HE dies and why. After thinking the issue through, DH told him it's because if he dies young, there would still have been so many places that he's no visited, and so many things that he's not yet experienced. Ever since then, he has stopped talking about his own death, but he's rather unsentimental about it all, I must say. He has a rather clinical approach now - which perhaps I should not be complaining about after reading Chamonix's experiences!

I'm still not sure which is the more exasperating phase. After he got over with his and our death issues, he hit us with the factual phase. Once, a boy not much taller than him took the lift with us. My ds got rather concerned and asked us (in the boy's presence) if the boy's parents were dead, that's why he was taking the lift by himself. Then came the questions about grandparents, why they are old but still not dead, when will they die etc. :oops: Fortunately, all his questions were not directed at my parents, otherwise they will be mortified!

[metz]

deminc:

My exact sentiments. It's so hard to not know what they've been exposed to in school. The teachers think it's an innocent picture or statement, not even worth mentioning, but the kids ponder over it silently for days and then come to potential harmful conclusions.

School is not the only venue that they might be exposed to incomplete pictures. Books, advertisements, TV, etc might also lead to inappropriate conclusions.

deminc:

On a lighter note, one of the things DS said to me after his first week of preschool - Mummy, all girls like pink, because all the girls in my class have pink shoes and pink bags. You're a girl, so you like pink right making hypothesis and confirming it ?
:roll:

all girls like pink, because all the girls in my class have pink shoes and pink bags. - Great observation skill

You're a girl, so you like pink right? - making hypothesis and confirming it


He has the making of a future scientist!