How do you handle questions about mortality?
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deminc:
Your child sounds very mature. From your description, it sounds like he may have gotten these from his preschool. Think you may need to start to read to him some stories that tells about living up to challenges in life and not to give up, as in just death.
We wondered too! He doesn't play computer games and his TV usage is very limited and fully monitored. The only \"live and die\" again concepst I can think of him getting is from his Catholic preschool. We've pulled him out already. Another is the mythical phoenix.
He is surprisingly sensitive to other issues like poverty and hunger, and animals, but when it comes to death ... :shock:
But for sure, kids do absorb information and concepts real fast, whether for the good or bad. -
For my ds, I can't remember what spurred him to ask about death at around 4 yo (or was it 3+? can't really recall). But one day he did and I chose a 'beautiful' way to explain death. I told him that when a person die, he/she would go to a faraway peaceful place with only happiness called Heaven. He asked many questions among which, would people still meet when they are in Heaven. Happily I told him yes. And that's the root of our problem. He started treating 'death' positively. On one occasion when I fell real sick, he told my husband happily, \"Mommy is going to die soon. But don't worry, we will get to meet her in Heaven.\" :x
That was the last straw. I 'corrected' him and gave him the true idea of death. Death is not something pleasant and to be spoken lightly of. Unfortunately, that led to another set of problems. This time round, the negativity of death was too much for him to handle. Every mention of death and old age would cause him to cringe and lose control of himself. Eventually, he got so upset that we avoid the topic totally.
It took a while before I could find the right opportunity and talked to him about death again. As what fo12eal shared, I told him something similar. After our death, though our bodies will rot and we are no longer physically there beside them, our love for them (the kids) will be forever. What's more important is living each day happily and treasuring each other.
As he reads more widely, he no longer fears death and old age as he used to. Instead, he treats them as a matter of fact now, which sometimes, *ouch*, kicks me in the wrong place :twisted:
[quote]But for sure, kids do absorb information and concepts real fast, whether for the good or bad.[/quote]It's not a bad thing if adults are quick to respond to them and direct them onto the right paths. But if left alone, these kids may move onto the wrong tracks with incomplete pictures. Thus, leading to more problems later on. -
phantom:
Your child sounds very mature. From your description, it sounds like he may have gotten these from his preschool. Think you may need to start to read to him some stories that tells about living up to challenges in life and not to give up, as in just death.
To be honest, some days - like today - I feel as if I am living with an angsty teenager. Doesn't help that DH introduced him to Guns & Roses and U2 some time ago, and he actually loves them and would scream and growl the songs out. It was cute the first two times. Definitely not anymore.
Ya, he's a perfectionist so I have been working on getting him to accept setbacks and failures. He also asked us if we would be sad if HE dies and why. After thinking the issue through, DH told him it's because if he dies young, there would still have been so many places that he's no visited, and so many things that he's not yet experienced. Ever since then, he has stopped talking about his own death, but he's rather unsentimental about it all, I must say. He has a rather clinical approach now - which perhaps I should not be complaining about after reading Chamonix's experiences!
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chamonix:
It's not a bad thing if adults are quick to respond to them and direct them onto the right paths. But if left alone, these kids may move onto the wrong tracks with incomplete pictures. Thus, leading to more problems later on.
My exact sentiments. It's so hard to not know what they've been exposed to in school. The teachers think it's an innocent picture or statement, not even worth mentioning, but the kids ponder over it silently for days and then come to potential harmful conclusions.
On a lighter note, one of the things DS said to me after his first week of preschool - Mummy, all girls like pink, because all the girls in my class have pink shoes and pink bags. You're a girl, so you like pink right?
:roll: -
deminc:
He also asked us if we would be sad if HE dies and why. After thinking the issue through, DH told him it's because if he dies young, there would still have been so many places that he's no visited, and so many things that he's not yet experienced. Ever since then, he has stopped talking about his own death, but he's rather unsentimental about it all, I must say. He has a rather clinical approach now - which perhaps I should not be complaining about after reading Chamonix's experiences!
I'm still not sure which is the more exasperating phase. After he got over with his and our death issues, he hit us with the factual phase. Once, a boy not much taller than him took the lift with us. My ds got rather concerned and asked us (in the boy's presence) if the boy's parents were dead, that's why he was taking the lift by himself.
Then came the questions about grandparents, why they are old but still not dead, when will they die etc. :oops: Fortunately, all his questions were not directed at my parents, otherwise they will be mortified!
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deminc:
School is not the only venue that they might be exposed to incomplete pictures. Books, advertisements, TV, etc might also lead to inappropriate conclusions.
My exact sentiments. It's so hard to not know what they've been exposed to in school. The teachers think it's an innocent picture or statement, not even worth mentioning, but the kids ponder over it silently for days and then come to potential harmful conclusions.deminc:
On a lighter note, one of the things DS said to me after his first week of preschool - Mummy, all girls like pink, because all the girls in my class have pink shoes and pink bags. You're a girl, so you like pink right making hypothesis and confirming it ?
:roll:
all girls like pink, because all the girls in my class have pink shoes and pink bags. - Great observation skill
You're a girl, so you like pink right? - making hypothesis and confirming it
He has the making of a future scientist! -
To all, including chamonix and deminic, I would suggest that the best way to let a subject fade away is to make it a small deal.
The first \"mistake\" here is probably turning it into a Big Deal, making a big fuss, spinning a complicated (even interesting) story around death. And the harder you try to change your kid's mind/attitude with more explanations and stories and ideas, the worse it becomes.
If you can make the subject a \"small matter\", give a simple matter-of-fact, answer, then the child is more likely to leave it as such, and even forget about it.
Eg. yesterday my daughter (6) and I were chatting about children/grandchildren, and along the way she said to me, \"I want to have children but I don't need husband\".
:shock:
So I thought to myself: \"if I say a husband is necessary, she'll ask me why, and I'll find myself getting awfully close to the subjects of sexual reproduction or even single parenthood.\"
So instead I said matter-of-factly and pre-empted her, \"Oh that's not possible. You have to have a husband - otherwise your child will have no daddy, then how?\" And while she's pondering, I go, \"Come, cross road here. I have to go there to buy dinner.\" :mrgreen:
Fortunately for me, my daughter has a simple, straightforward understanding of death. She understands it is about the loss of a person, and/or the consequence of dangerous actions. I don't make it any more or less fanciful, no talk about any form of afterlife. -
sashimi:
Hi Sashimi,To all, including chamonix and deminic, I would suggest that the best way to let a subject fade away is to make it a small deal.
The first \"mistake\" here is probably turning it into a Big Deal, making a big fuss, spinning a complicated (even interesting) story around death. And the harder you try to change your kid's mind/attitude with more explanations and stories and ideas, the worse it becomes.
If you can make the subject a \"small matter\", give a simple matter-of-fact, answer, then the child is more likely to leave it as such, and even forget about it.
Thanks for sharing. I suppose different parents have different parenting styles. For us, we never meant to turn things into a Big Deal or Fuss. Rather, I was trying to introduce him the notion of Death from a religion's perspective. Unfortunately, it worked too well for my ds. After that, we gave him the simple matter-of-fact explanation, which prompted him to ask even more questions. Frankly, I don't see his questions & reactions as a Big Deal or Fuss either. Firstly, to us, he's just a normal preschooler with lots of 'whys'; Secondly, this gives me an insight to his way of seeing things and opportunity to clarify doubts and fears.
Overall, I don't see him as being sensitive or over-reacting. Except sometimes, I do get a little annoyed with his questions on death, like the many other non-death related questions he has. :lol: I would think it's normal of preschoolers to be curious and ask a lot of questions. No?
[quote]If you can make the subject a \"small matter\", give a simple matter-of-fact, answer, then the child is more likely to leave it as such, and even forget about it.[/quote]Again, this would depend on the kids' personality and level of curiosity. On certain topics, my ds is willing to accept a simple explanation. But there are topics that no simple answers could satisfy him. Then again, I don't find that is necessary bad as I would like him to have a more inquiring mind.
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chamonix - yes, I totally agree. In fact I often advocate that children should not be treated as children, unless you want them to be forever childish.
I guess what I wanted to add to the discussion is that sometimes, answers to certain questions may give rise to unnecessary... inconveniences(?). Like your example about your DS saying you will die soon but it's not a worry cos can meet in heaven(!!).
While I'm mindful that no question should go unanswered, my preference is that certain \"levels\" of answers are appropriate for certain levels of (the child's) maturity. And as the child develops, we adjust the answer accordingly. It's a game of balance! -
sashimi:
Haha, that's what happens when kids are given incomplete pictures or simple explanations. Guess I learned a good lesson which helps me greatly in addressing issues about reproduction and so forth.chamonix - yes, I totally agree. In fact I often advocate that children should not be treated as children, unless you want them to be forever childish.
I guess what I wanted to add to the discussion is that sometimes, answers to certain questions may give rise to unnecessary... inconveniences(?). Like your example about your DS saying you will die soon but it's not a worry cos can meet in heaven(!!).
While I'm mindful that no question should go unanswered, my preference is that certain \"levels\" of answers are appropriate for certain levels of (the child's) maturity. And as the child develops, we adjust the answer accordingly. It's a game of balance!
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